Welcome, one and all, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentleman, I'm covering a Swedish action movie from 1989. That movie is "The Russian Ninja".
Now technically, this movie goes under two different titles. One of them is "The Russian Ninja", and the other is "Russian Terminator". But since the YouTube thumbnail shows the title of "The Russian Ninja", that's the name I'm gonna be sticking with. Plus also, and this is just a personal preference, I kinda like "The Russian Ninja" title, because it comes across as incredibly cheesy, yet sorta awesome.
Now, to give you guys a bit of a recap. Last month, I covered "The Ninja Mission". And to make a long story short, the movie was complete shit. It had no fucking plot to speak of, characters who were all shallow and lifeless, action scenes that were all samey up until the last half hour when it wanted to do something that was considered partially interesting. It was an, overall, pile of shit. So much so that I still believe that fans of plotless action movies would find it to be incredibly boring. I also mentioned that the movie had spawned a couple of supposed sequels. Tonight's movie being one of those supposed sequels. Now, why do I keep saying that they're supposed? Well, according to Mats Helge Olsson himself, he claimed these movies to be a sequel to "The Ninja Mission", because that movie was his one big hit. And it was. Because "The Ninja Mission" made millions in both the American and Asian markets. I wish I could give you some figures, but unfortunately, Wikipedia, or any other online source that I could find on this movie, doesn't have that kind of information. So while I can't give out any kind of figures, I can say that "The Ninja Mission" was Olsson's most successful movie. Now I don't know if there is any real connection with this movie being a 'sequel' to "The Ninja Mission", outside of the fact that it has something to do with ninjas. Or in this case, a Russian ninja. And before I get into this movie, I do know about the other supposed sequel to "The Ninja Mission" called "Eagle Island". I'm not even gonna bother with that movie, because this is the only 'sequel' I'm gonna be focusing on. Partially because of the awesome sounding title.
I really want this movie to be interesting. I want to note and say that I want this movie to be 'interesting'. Because after watching "The Ninja Mission", 'good' is the last thing that this movie is ever going to be. And if "The Ninja Mission" was Olsson's big hit, then I have almost no faith in this thing being halfway decent. But who knows? This movie could shock me and actually wind up being halfway decent. But the only way I'm gonna find out, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "The Russian Ninja".
2 minutes later
Well, guys, I can tell you one thing that this movie carried over from "The Ninja Mission". The laser sounding guns are back. And it's still irritating as shit to listen to. You would think within the 5 years between this movie and "The Ninja Mission", we would've gotten past the idea of using laser sounds for guns. But no. It's still here. And I fear that this movie may suck, guys.
1 minute later
OK...apparently, the original title of this movie is called "Ninja In Geheimer Mission 2: Russian Terminator". Even though the thumbnail on YouTube for this movie clearly says "The Russian Ninja". I don't know if that was a misleading fuck-up on the person who uploaded this movie, or if the people who made this movie didn't know what to even title this thing. Either keep it as "The Ninja Mission 2: Russian Terminator", because I'm going to assume that was the title that they were trying to reference. Or keep it as "The Russian Ninja", because that's the thumbnail I saw on YouTube. I understand it's a trivial thing to be bitching about, but it's those little details that kinda bother me slightly, you know?
15 minutes later
Did she seriously just described the ninja, that broke into their home, as a black commando? Because, you know, that's the first thing anyone would think of when they see someone garbed as a ninja. They think of them as "black commando's". I understand that's a trivial, and stupid, thing to even be mentioning, but that comment kinda threw me off slightly, you know?
7 minutes later
By the way, guys, do you know what else this movie carried over from "The Ninja Mission"? The acting is just as terrible as it was in the previous film. Scratch that. The acting is WORSE here than what was in "The Ninja Mission". That is just terrifying to witness, guys.
19 minutes later
So, guys, we're about halfway into this movie, so I'm gonna ask this. When the fuck is something interesting going to happen? Better yet, are we going to get a character that's worth caring for? I ask this, because since this movie has been crawling at a snail's pace, you would think that they would use that time to try and develop our characters. But no. This movie doesn't want to do that. And I fear that it's not going to do that anytime soon.
10 minutes later
So these two soldiers notice that the door was open, and one of them asks why it's open. Rather than reporting it as something suspicious because, you know, there might be a possible break in, they decide NOT to report it and just brush it off as nothing. Considering how easy it was for our heroes, including our ninja, to kill off a majority of these soldiers as if they were nothing, I think it's safe to assume that these retards are the most incompetent soldiers in the fucking world.
20 minutes later
Why the hell isn't this piece of shit finished yet? Seriously, guys, I cannot wait for this fucking thing to end. The movie has been so dull that I've been counting down the seconds until this thing is done. I can almost taste it.
The Review
Oh, thank you, God. This worthless pile of shit is done. Well, guys, that was "The Russian Ninja", or "Ninja In Geheimer Mission 2: Russian Terminator", according to this movie. I'm gonna shut this garbage off...OK.
I want to talk about the issue involving the movie's title first. Because, as I was watching the movie, I read the description of the user who uploaded this movie onto YouTube, and it says that the title of the movie is in German, because the version that I watched came from a German DVD. OK, I guess that does make some sense. Probably would've helped if this person was honest in giving out the actual title of the movie, or just call it "Russian Terminator", because that thumbnail I mentioned where it read "The Russian Ninja" is never brought up during the opening credits. But I guess just showing it's actual title in the thumbnail was too much of a challenge. Honestly though, all of that is just a minor complaint. And there's a lot more pressing issues that I need to get to.
Let's start with writing. The writing here is complete shit. In fact, I would almost say it's a rehash of the same plot that was used in "The Ninja Mission". Which is mind boggling, considering that "The Ninja Mission" had no fucking plot. The only difference here is that instead of an invention that was in the previous film, we have a document that is important to this shadowy organization that wants it, because there's a code there that they need. I couldn't tell you what it was for. They just say that it's incredibly important for them to get it. If I recall correctly, it was in regards to something involving relations between the East and the West. Which, in case you weren't aware, is exactly similar to what was in "The Ninja Mission". And instead of a scientist and his daughter that were kidnapped in the previous film, it's one of our leading female's boyfriend. And they use him as leverage to make his girlfriend get the document that they need. I almost thought that this movie was written by the same person who wrote "The Ninja Mission". But shockingly, it wasn't. The person wrote "The Ninja Mission" is a man by the name of Matthew Jacobs. The person who wrote this movie was Mats Helge Olsson. Who, not only wrote this movie but also directed both films. I'm almost convinced that when he finished making "The Ninja Mission", he decided to rehash the same fucking plot for this movie, and probably "Eagle Island", which, as I mentioned before, is ALSO a sequel to "The Ninja Mission". By the way, no, I am not wasting anymore time on his fucking supposed 'sequels'. Because this movie was bad enough, and, as I made mentioned before, if "The Ninja Mission" was considered his best film, then I don't think any sequel will do that movie any 'justice'. And I'm gonna use the word 'justice' in the loosest way possible, because that film sucked massive amounts of throbbing fat dick. So in case you couldn't tell, the writing is the exact same shit that was in "The Ninja Mission", except it's more lazily written here than what was in the previous film. Part of that has to do with the acting, which, believe me, I'll get to in a moment.
Now because we have a story that is clearly identical to "The Ninja Mission", let's get to the characters. And guess what? There are no fucking characters. Actually, no. We do have characters, except we don't have any characters with interesting personalities or any depth at all. We have our main character, Mark, who is a retired agent, I think. They never really specify if he's an agent or what, but that doesn't really matter. And he's only in the movie because of an extortion. Basically, his gun was found in Berlin, and his fingerprints are all over the gun. I would love to know the context behind that information, but considering that Mr. Olsson can't write for shit, I guess I shouldn't expect too much from him. So Mark ends up taking the mission because fuck you, bribe. And throughout half of the movie, he spends that amount of time following Eve and Phil, because they are after her father's document. And it's boring, because when he's not following them throughout half the movie, he's also a dull and boring character who, apparently, wins almost every fight, and has this dead-pan look on his face throughout the entire movie. Guys, if you thought the rant I had about Chuck Norris not expressing an emotion in "Lone Wolf McQuade" was bad. This movie is worse. Mark does not have any emotion on his face throughout the entire movie. Not once does he ever express any kind of emotion on his face. You never see him smile, be sad, angry, nothing. I don't know if that's how he was written, or if the actor doesn't know how to act. I'm going with the latter on that one, but again, I'll talk about acting when I get to it. But again, Mark's only in the movie because, once more, fuck you, bribe. Is there anything else about Mark that's worth noting? Well, he has a girlfriend or a wife that he meets up with in the beginning of the movie. Again, the movie doesn't really specify on that, so I guess it doesn't matter, because Mr. Olsson can't write characters. Speaking of which, we also have Eve, who is the daughter in which her boyfriend gets kidnapped. She has no fucking personality to speak of. She has a friend named Phil, who is also with her throughout the entire movie. And I know they're friends because, the movie clearly states 3 or 4 different times that they were best friends since childhood. Because the viewers wouldn't have been able to take into account that Eve and Phil are best friends, because the movie has to tell them this multiple times over. Does Phil have any personality? Hell no, he doesn't. He's only there to do whatever Eve wants him to do because friendship. There's also Eve's boyfriend, who, not only has no personality, but he ends up being forgotten by the end of the movie. Because the last time we see him in this movie is towards the very end, where he ends up trying to escape, only for one of our villains to retie him back to a chair that he was secured to. And right before the closing credits, Eve's father tells Mark that his people will eventually find the place where he's tied up and free him. Never mind the fact that we don't ever get to see him rescued by any of our main characters. No, we'll just let him be rescued by some people that work for Eve's father because fuck you, that's why.
So not only have we established that Mr. Olsson doesn't know how to write an interesting story or characters with any level of personality, the man also doesn't know how to write tension. Let's talk about that Russian Ninja, shall we? First of all, even though the title of this movie has the "Russian Terminator" name, he never gets called by that in this movie. He actually does get called the Russian Ninja. Which leads me to even more questions as to why they couldn't just call this movie "The Russian Ninja", as per the title on YouTube, and not "Russian Terminator". But again, that is a minor thing, and I'm gonna try to move on from that. Now the reason why there is no tension in this movie has to do with the identity of the Russian Ninja. We are told by our villains in one scene, where they hear about these legends of the Russian Ninja, and how he has fans from America and Russia, and they wonder if they'll ever meet him. And the movie tries to build this up as if it's some big plot twist. It's not. Why? Well, this movie, and I am not kidding when I say this, telegraphs who our Russian Ninja is almost 10 minutes into the movie. So, when Eve's father leaves in his car, we get to see a shot of some dude who stares at Mark from a distance, and the camera seems to be focusing on the few shots that we see him stare at our main character. I should mention that Mark never sees him, which is a bit strange, but oh well. And I could tell you that he was the Russian Ninja because of the constant camera shots we see of him, as if the movie was blatantly telling you that this dude was going to play an important part of the movie. And I'm gonna give you a spoiler here, in case the movie thinks you're stupid. He ends up being the Russian Ninja...ta-da. I understand that I may have given away an 'important' plot point, but because there was no tension, and the movie telegraphed it so poorly, it just ends up being wasted. I haven't seen telegraphing done this badly since I watched "Tourist Trap". Granted, the telegraphing in this movie is not as bad as it was in "Tourist Trap", but it sure as hell comes close.
So, I guess the best way to summarize the writing is that it's complete shit. And even for a plotless action movie, it's really poorly written, too. Now, let's get to the acting. Oh boy...the acting. Well, as I have made mention earlier, Mark has no expression on his face throughout the entire movie. And part of the reason why that is was because since this script was so terrible, that the actor who played Mark didn't even try in this movie. In fact, that's what I got from just about every actor in this movie. Nobody put in any effort. And I honestly believe it's because none of these people know how to act. Some of them, such as Mark, didn't fucking care. Or you have lines that are poorly dubbed in, such as with the Russian Ninja. And yes, his lines were terribly dubbed in. So much so, that I felt the actor dubbing his lines was trying to ham up his performance. But you see, it has to be natural if you are trying to ham up your lines. When you're doing that intentionally, it makes your acting sound like shit. And that's what happened with our Russian Ninja's voice actor. But, by far, the worst actor in this movie goes to whoever played Eve. Holy shit, she is fucking horrendous in this movie. Not only does she not know how to emote, much like most of the other actors in this movie, but she does not belong anywhere near a film set. She does not feel comfortable on camera, and every time she tries to express an emotion of anger, it sounds fucking terrible. When she first talks with our villainess, who, as far as I know, does not even have a name, so I guess I can add that to more things that Mr. Olsson can't write. But anyway, when she's talking with our villainess on the phone, Eve, on two occasions, says "You bastard!". And both attempts at it sound fucking weak as shit, that it actually makes this movie painful to sit through. Well, that can go for the entire cast, but Eve stands out the most, because this actress cannot act at all. As I said, not only is she not comfortable on camera, but she should stay far, far away from a film set as humanly possible. She was just awful.
Not only does our cast not know how to act, but half of the time, they don't even know how to feel pain. And this is where the fight choreography comes in. First of all, I can tell you that the fight choreography in this movie is fucking garbage. And I can attest to this by our very first fight between Mark and the Russian Ninja. Most of the fight ends up with Mark getting his ass kicked. And it would've been more believable if the actor playing Mark knew how to feel pain. Because when our Russian Ninja has to either punch or kick him, Mark has the exact same face that he has throughout the entire movie. Even when he gets knocked down, Mark's expression does not change. Which leads to me to believe either it was due to his shitty acting, or the fight choreography was so piss poor, that the person who was in charge of it hasn't seen a fight in his god damn life. And none of these fight scenes end up getting better. Now granted, we don't have the excessive gun fights that were in "The Ninja Mission". But honestly, I would rather have that again if I didn't know the fight choreography in this movie was this bad. And mind you, the gun fights were boring as shit in "The Ninja Mission", but at least you had one interesting action scene towards the end that kinda ended up working. Here though, there is nothing in terms of the fight choreography that makes it stand out. And I can't believe I would ever say this, but the action scenes in "The Ninja Mission", what few there were, are better there than what was in "The Russian Ninja". That is a fucking feat, in and of itself. And this movie should have no excuse for having fight scenes this poorly executed.
There isn't really a whole lot here, in terms of special effects. We do have blood here. Granted, it's not as much as was shown in "The Ninja Mission", but it's still here, and it looks OK. It's nothing great, but I can't really call it bad. Our squib work involving guns is pretty good. Although, I did notice something odd, and maybe it's just me, but during the latter scene where our heroes are storming a mansion, Mark's shotgun looks as though it's shooting fireworks. I'm not totally sure why it looks like that, but I did notice it, and it just seemed a little bit odd to me. Maybe it's just something that I never knew about shotguns back in 1989, where they could shoot fireworks. But it was just something I noticed, and most people aren't going to notice it, or even care about it, so take it for what you will.
Camerawork here is pretty good, the lighting is decent, our sound-mix is mixed pretty well. I actually will give this movie one thing when it comes to sound. I talked about the laser sounding guns, and how they made a return in this movie. And I figured that's what this movie was going to be focusing on during the action scenes. Well shockingly, the moment that I brought that up, the movie decided to stop using them. I might've heard it one other time during the final portion of the movie, but it was such a trivial moment, that I ended up forgetting it ever happened. And I can give this movie that much. The laser sounding guns are not as excessive as they were in "The Ninja Mission". Music, for the most part, is decent, save for one track. There's this one track involving drums, and I swear, you will hear this track play about two or three different times throughout the entire movie. And it got annoying really quick with how long that track played. Other than that, I can say the music here is decent.
So, when all said is done, can I recommend "The Russian Ninja"? No. Fuck no. This movie is fucking awful. It is one of...no, this is, by far, the WORST action movie I have ever seen. I cannot recommend it under any circumstance. And yes, you can watch this movie on YouTube for free. Do not waste your time on this movie. It is an hour and 27 minutes that you will never get back. I thought I hit the lowest ground when watching "The Ninja Mission". But, holy shit, did this movie dig under that ground and it kept going further down the shit hole. I knew, going into this movie, that it was going to be bad. But I didn't expect it to be this fucking terrible. The only bright spot out of this movie is that I don't ever have to watch it again. And now, I have to find something better to watch. I'm scanning my DVD collection for something better. And the first thing I see is "Bloodsport". I'm gonna re-watch my copy of "Bloodsport", because it had better writing, better acting, and much better fight choreography than this worthless turd. So I'm gonna do that, and hopefully, get this piece of shit movie out of my mind.
Anyway, with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all in the near future. Peace.
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