Reaction & Review | Rollerball

 

Welcome, one and all, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm covering a movie from 2002. That movie is "Rollerball".

Now as much I would like to give you a ton of information about this movie, I can't. What I can tell you is that this movie is, apparently, a remake from 1975 with the same name. I honestly had no idea that this movie was even a remake of anything, until I decided to look up the scant bit of research that I did on this thing. So I can say that this is going to be the first remake I'm covering for this series. I can tell you that it's about a violent sport that the main character takes a part of. Which, OK, that does sound sorta interesting. I'm kinda hoping that the movie will make it interesting.

I can also tell you one other thing that I do know about this movie. And it has to do with two people from the world of professional wrestling making cameo appearances in this movie. One of them is Paul Heyman, who is the mastermind of ECW. And the other cameo comes from Shane McMahon, who is the son of WWE Chairman, and a man who should honestly retire by this point, Vince McMahon. I know about Shane's cameo, because I've seen at least one clip from this movie where it involves how much time he's actually in the movie. But I'm not sure how much of a role Paul Heyman is going to play in this movie. It might just be a one off appearance, or he might be in the movie for much longer. Who knows? But I'm going to find out soon enough.

Honestly, guys, I have no idea what to expect from this movie. Since it is a remake, don't expect me to compare it with the original film from 1975, because I've never seen it. I am certainly hoping for this movie to be pretty good. But the only way I'm gonna find out, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Rollerball".

6 minutes later

So, hold on a second here. So, this guy picked up John from his car, after John was doing some sort of stupid skateboard race with another guy while on their backs. Rather than accepting the invitation to qualify for Rollerball, John, instead, refuses the offer, and gets out of his friend's car. He DOES know that the cops are still after him, right? See? Right there! The cops are right across the block from where he's standing at. Are you telling me that none of these cops notice him, after getting out of his friend's car? I'm really sorry, guys, but that is just incredibly stupid, to me.

15 minutes later

Guys, I know that this is a trivial thing to be bringing up, but out of all these helmets that I've seen so far in this movie, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos's helmet looks, by far, the stupidest. She looks like a shitty villain I would see out of a Tokusou Sentai series. I wish she would take that stupid thing off her head, because I can't really take her seriously with that helmet on her head. Again, I understand that it's a trivial, and stupid, thing to be bitching about. But it's just sorta bugging me a bit, you know?

17 minutes later

So, guys, are we actually going to get a conflict in this movie that's halfway interesting? So far, this story has gone nowhere fast, our characters are shallow and shit, and you would think I would care about Jonathan hooking up with Rebecca Romijn-Stamo's character in this movie, but no, I don't. I'm genuinely hoping that the story will pick up within the next hour or so, but right now, my hopes of that happening are kinda slim.

7 minutes later

Well, guys, I am willing to say this much. The soundtrack in this thing, so far, is fucking awesome. Why? Because this song that's playing right now is from Rob Zombie. And almost anything from Rob Zombie, music wise, is always awesome to listen to. It's kinda sad that the only positive I can find in this movie is the soundtrack. But, hey, I'm willing to take any positive that I can get out of this thing.

9 minutes later

You know, guys, I would love to say that this accident involving Aurora's bike catching fire would've been awesome...if the effects leading up to it weren't noticeably shit. That was just terribly done. And it, kinda, ruined what would've been a cool scene.

8 minutes later

Oh...my...god...and just when I thought this movie couldn't get any worse, this entire scene is shot in night vision. Really poorly shot, too, because it's making the picture quality in this scene look like absolute shit. My god, guys, I was kinda hoping that this movie would be sorta interesting. But it's not. And with this shit involving night vision, it's taking a kinda shitty movie and making it worse. I cannot wait for this scene to end.

18 minutes later

OK, I have a question. It's probably a stupid one, but I'm going to ask it anyway. So, the rules have been changed to anything goes for this final Rollerball game. There are no foul plays or disqualifications. Basically, the players know that it's going to lead to certain death with these rule changes. Shouldn't the players like, I don't know, walk out on this shit? Because if you know that these rules are going to be played with no consequences, shouldn't you at least take a stand against the corrupt people who own Rollerball and say that you're not going to partake in this game? I understand that I'm putting logic into a movie that seems allergic to it, but it was just something that came to me, you know?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Rollerball". Dear god...was that "Rollerball". Plus side is, we're closing out with an awesome song from Rob Zombie. And I know it's awesome, because this song was Edge's old theme back during the early 2000's. Now, as much as I would like to continue jamming out to this song, I have to review this shitbag movie. So, I'm gonna go ahead and shut the movie off...OK. Now, I have to talk about this thing. Let's start with the writing.

You guys happen to remember earlier when I mentioned that this movie was a remake of another film with the same name from 1975? I really hope that movie had more writing than this, because this movie has no story. The closest we have to a plot is that we have the promoter of Rollerball trying to garner ratings by getting the players hurt in some way, shape, or form, so that the ratings will stay up in hopes of him getting a TV deal in America. In other words, this story is a cliche, bullshit, plot you would see in movies centered around music, where we have a corrupt manager, and the singer tries to get back at them in some way. Well, instead of a singer, we have Jonathan, our main character, who's this big star of Rollerball, and he's trying to get back at our corrupt promoter, who's trying to cause injuries to other players and making the game more 'real' than it should. I want to touch upon that, and I need to do that by talking about the last game of Rollerball. So, I mentioned earlier that the game rules have been changed for this game of Rollerball, where we would have no rules, and, basically, anything goes. The players can do what they please, and no fouls or disqualifications would be a factor. This shit makes no fucking sense because, first of all, the entire last game is a giant clusterfuck. Where too much shit is happening, and the rules are almost, literally, thrown out the window. Basically, I want you to imagine WWE booking a wrestling match where there are constant interference's by random wrestlers throughout the entire match, and none of it makes any sense as to why this is happening. That's what I got out of this, when I was watching this part of the movie. What makes it even more confusing is the motivation from our villain, who, despite getting told repeatedly that they should stop this because it's getting out of hand, he just decides to keep it going, even though there are ton of players bleeding, getting injured, to a point where they begin to walk out of the game. Well, except for Jonathan, who has no choice but to continue playing the game. I'll get to him when I talk about the characters. But anyway, the owner doesn't care and just insists on continuing to show everything. Now, I have a question, and this is kind of a serious one. If you're an owner of a sporting event, such as Rollerball, and you're trying to get a TV deal in America, don't you think it would make more sense as to put on the best show you could possibly come up with and NOT resort to a clusterfuck where players are getting injured, bleeding, and you would not have them turn against you if things were already getting out of hand? I don't know. Maybe that's just a little common sense on my part. And the asshole who wrote this, obviously, doesn't have any. 

So not only do we have a story that borders on plotless, and what little writing here makes no sense, we also have characters who are all shallow and lifeless. Now, I don't know if there were any characters who had some level of depth from the 1975 movie, because, again, I haven't seen the 1975 "Rollerball" movie. But if there were, then any depth they had is completely non-existent in this remake. We have our main character, Jonathan. Who, in the span of a few months, instantly becomes a big star of Rollerball. I would've like to have seen his climb to the top during those few months. Say, maybe make a montage of him climbing the ranks of becoming a top star of a sporting event, but hey, I guess character development doesn't really matter for this movie. Now granted, it would've been cliche if they did go that route, but, honestly, it probably would've added to this movie being kinda cheesy, and make it sorta fun to watch. But that's just me, personally. We have Ridley, who, outside of being Jonathan's friend, has no fucking character to speak of. Then we have Aurora, who is Rebecca Romijn-Stamo's character in this movie, and she and Jonathan share a love interest for each other. And the way they hook up makes no sense, either. Because we see them bickering with each other in the beginning of the movie. Now, when I saw them on the front cover of this movie, I kinda had a feeling they were going to be paired up, anyways, but the movie could've built it up to something halfway decent. Instead, the way we get them paired up comes right the fuck out of nowhere. Because at one point, we get to see Jonathan return to the locker room by himself, and he ends up seeing Aurora, who is half naked while training. And in a moment of fuck you, that's why, they end up kissing because we needed to shoehorn in a romantic relationship, rather than trying to develop our characters until we get to that point. Speaking of which, Jonathan is not only unlikable, but stupid as hell, because before we get to the final Rollerball game, he tries to make a deal with our evil owner that he doesn't want to see Aurora around. He doesn't want her involved in the event. He just wants her to stay away, period. And what do you know? The owner ends up putting Aurora on the opposing team because he was obviously going to stay true to his word. And rather than trying to do something about it, Jonathan just decides to play the game, because he does just about anything that the owner tells him. And I know that the owner has a name, but because his character was so bland and lifeless, I couldn't remember what it was. Anyway, Jonathan doesn't have the common sense to see if there's an alternative plan until he gets his shit caved in at the last moment where he decides to skate around the Rollerball rink, and throw the ball at the owner's face. I won't go any further than that, on the off chance you want to see what happens to him in this movie. But ultimately, guys, the writing in this thing is so dead and buried, that almost none of it makes any sense.

Now, I will say that, despite the writing being incredibly shit, the acting is halfway decent from our main cast. I wasn't expecting much from LL Cool J, but he was able to turn in a decent showing. So I can at least say that I won't be dreading about seeing LL Cool J's name on a cast list, because he was able to show me that he could act. Now, even though the main cast turned in a halfway decent showing, there is one actor in this movie who phones it in, and this one I'm rather disappointed in. And it's, of all people, Paul Heyman. For those who don't know, Paul Heyman is one of the greatest wrestling managers of all time. He's able to cut almost masterful promos and can make you care about what he says. In terms of cutting promos, he's usually mentioned in the same breath as The Rock, John Cena, Stone Cold Steve Austin, CM Punk, and I would even go so far as to mention Vince McMahon, when he's not trying to ham up his promos. But anyway, Paul Heyman is awesome, when he's able to cut a really good promo. Why then, is he phoning in such a terrible performance here? In case you are wondering, he's not just making a cameo appearance, as I thought he was going to do. He's in the movie as a commentator for the Rollerball games. And you would think that would sound amazing, except, most of the time, he sounds like he doesn't fucking care. There are rare glimpses of him when he sounds like he gives a shit, but most of the time, it's just him acting bored and is only in the movie for a paycheck. And that's really shameful, because I remember listening to his stuff when he was doing commentary for WWE during the early 2000's, and that stuff was amazing. And, mind you, this movie came out in 2002. So what the fuck happened here, Paul? Why were you phoning in such a god awful performance in this movie, when you were doing such amazing commentary during the Invasion angle? It just really boggles my mind because I know Paul Heyman can do better than this. Now, to give you a comparison, I mentioned Shane McMahon's cameo at the start of this. I'm gonna spoil his entire appearance in this movie. So, at one point, our corrupt owner is throwing a tyrant at some guy, while holding a gun. And the camera will focus in on Shane, as he turns around and just stares at the owner the entire time. And I'm gonna tell you, those few shots that Shane were in, he gave a masterful performance with a look that shows that he cared. And that is almost terrifying because, out of the entire McMahon family that's able to cut promos, Shane McMahon isn't exactly the best out of all of them. He's only above Linda and Stephanie, because Linda barely ever spoke during her time in WWE, and Stephanie McMahon, well current Stephanie anyway, is fucking garbage every time she opens her mouth to speak, and is one of the many reasons why WWE's current product is unwatchable. But I'm getting way off track here. My point is, Shane McMahon turned in a better performance than Paul Heyman, and that is almost sad and tragic. But as for the rest of the cast, they were able to turn in decent showings, especially considering the script that they were handed.

Costuming here is pretty good, and even though I still can't get over that stupid helmet that Aurora was wearing before her motorbike crashed, the helmets on almost everyone else were kinda decent. And I do think it kinda adds to the small layer of cheese in this movie, so I can give costuming here a bit of a positive. Speaking of Aurora's bike, let's talk about special effects, shall we? I brought this up during the reaction portion of the movie, but this one effect ruined a scene that would, normally, be great. So before Aurora rides her bike, we see this one guy from the opposing team cut off one of the hoses of Aurora's bike, which causes the gas to leak as she rides around the track. And then we see this guy again as he places a lit-up cigar down to where most of the gas has spilled. This causes a trail of fire to follow where Aurora has ridden. Now, that would look and sound awesome. Unfortunately, the fire effects were done in CG. And that wouldn't be so bad, except, when you get to see the fire up close from the motorbike crashing, the CG, even for the standards of 2002, were complete shit. And, as I just stated, it ruined would could've been an awesome looking scene. Now, even though the CG for the fire was terrible, I can say that the practical effects for stuff such as blood and makeup effects look great, especially during the final part of the movie where you get to see a ton of blood, and that stuff looked amazing.

Camerawork...oh boy. Camerawork, for the most part, is pretty good...until we get to one scene which looked hideously shot. And lighting is also going to come into play as well. Because there's one scene in the movie where it is shot with night vision. And it's a scene where Jonathan and Ridley are on the run towards the Russian border. This entire scene is shot, and lit, so poorly, that it will you pull you out of this movie entirely.  Because it looks as though it was shot in production, and they were just trying to fill in time for this movie. And just to add in a god awful chase scene, the picture quality during all this looks like shit. Now, I understand that because this scene was shot with night vision, you're not going to expect the best kind of picture quality. But, guys, I have seen terrible TV shows such as "Ghost Hunters" where they used night vision, and it didn't look half as bad as the shit that was in this movie. And, mind you, this movie had a $70 million dollar budget. Are you telling me that they couldn't afford proper lighting to film this scene without using night vision? It's just, my god, I have never seen something shot so badly, and you add terrible night vision on top of it, just to make your scene un-fucking-watchable. And that scene drags on for quite a while, too. On the subject of camerawork, we also get quite a few unnecessary jump cuts, where it'll focus on Jonathan on some shots, and, for whatever reason, these jump cuts come in, and it adds nothing to these scenes. So either it was filmed poorly, or it was, somehow, a stylistic choice from the people who edited this shit together. I'm going with the former, because I don't think any proper filmmaker would go to the lengths of using unnecessary jump cuts. Now, beyond all of that bullshit, the camerawork here is decent, as is the lighting. Sound-mix is mixed well. The music is the only real positive I can give this movie. Because we have a couple of songs from Rob Zombie, and they were awesome. We also have music from Slipknot and Pink, and they were pretty good, too. So, I can say that music is the only thing that carries this movie.

So, with all this in mind, am I able to recommend "Rollerball"? If you can find this movie airing on TV somewhere, such as HBO, Showtime, or even FX. I'm not totally sure if this thing ever aired on FX, but I could be totally wrong there. If it's airing on any of these stations, or anywhere you can find this movie on TV, then go ahead and give it a watch. You might something more out of this thing than I did. But to purchase? No. This thing is definitely not worth purchasing. Even at it's $5 bargain bin range, it's not worth that kind of money. As I said, your best bet is to watch this thing on TV somewhere. So that way, you don't have to waste the $5 that I did when buying this turd. My god, this movie was fucking terrible. I kinda wanted to like this movie, even with it's dull premise, but unfortunately, it just wound up being a waste of an hour and 40 minutes. And now, I kinda want to watch something better. And seeing as how I mentioned Paul Heyman's acting in this movie, I kinda want to go and re-watch one of my older WWE PPV's I have on DVD. And I see my copy of "ECW's One Night Stand". I'm gonna go watch that and be reminded of when Paul Heyman, and WWE, were watchable.

Anyway, with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all in the near future. Peace.