Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a Canadian romantic comedy from 2016. That movie is "Chokeslam".
I'm gonna be honest with you, guys, I know almost next to nothing about this movie, outside of a couple of things. First off, I know this movie involves wrestling. And you would think that I would be interested in watching this movie because I am a pro wrestling fan. However, it's also coupled with the fact that it's a romantic comedy. And I can count on one hand the number of good romantic comedies that exist...which I'm still trying to think about, because that number remains at zero. So this movie is already off to a bit of a rocky start, and I haven't even pushed play yet.
Now I also know one of the stars of this movie is former WWE Champion, and hardcore legend, Mick Foley. And while I know that Mick Foley can cut a really good promo when he needs to, I don't know if that's necessarily gonna translate into whether or not Foley can act. That's kinda sorta the thing here. I don't know what role he's suppose to be playing in this movie, though I'll find out shortly as soon as I start the film up.
I'm hoping for this film to at least be watchable, or perhaps maybe even be actually good. However, as I just stated, I'm not a fan of romantic comedies, so there's a high chance that this movie is gonna suck. I'm not saying that I want it to suck, but my bias against romantic comedies is most likely gonna play a factor here. So with that said, I may as well see what this movie can actually do here. And the only way I'm gonna find out if this movie is at all watchable is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Chokeslam".
14 minutes later
So, guys, I'm able to at least confirm one thing so far. The acting in this movie is just awful. Like, seriously, this acting is some of the worst I've heard in quite some time. And I'm probably gonna have to put up with this horrible acting for the next...hour and a half or so. This might end up being a painful experience, guys.
17 minutes later
All right, guys, I've been patient for a while now, so I may as well ask this now, even though I don't think I'm gonna get an answer for it anytime soon. When does this shit get funny? I mean, OK, I know I'm biased against romantic comedies and whatnot, but you could at least churn out something related as a joke! This movie's not even trying to be funny, and the only thing that it's actually doing is making me bored and depressed as all hell. That's really kinda terrifying, guys.
14 minutes later
So the best thing this movie can do for it's comedy is having a piece of wood from Corey's fence stick up in his ass. I'd say this makes sense in context, but with or without it, it still isn't funny at all.
20 minutes later
Well, guys, at least this movie got one thing right. The title of this movie is basically just Smasheena's finishing move. I know that's not saying very much, but at least the movie was able to provide that much, so...I guess that's a positive.
16 minutes later
Oh boy, guys, now we have actual drama between our two main characters. Perhaps maybe if I gave half a fuck about this, I would probably care about it. But no, all the fucks I have left are completely gone. Actually, they went away long before this, but still, I really don't a single fuck about their troubled relationship. The only thing I really care about is the movie ending. And thankfully, there's almost 20 minutes left to go, so I'm gonna finally be happy once this film is done, guys.
10 minutes later
Wait, how the hell did Tab even know that Corey was in the building? Corey was barely in the building when he, his friend, and Dad showed up. So how the fuck did Tab even notice him? I'm really curious here, because that honestly just seems like it came from outta nowhere. Just thought I'd mention that.
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Chokeslam". Thank god, it's over. I'm gonna shut this garbage movie off now...OK. God, that song was annoying. You guys didn't hear it for obvious reasons, but that ending credits sounded incredibly annoying. Anyway...where the fuck do I even start here? Well, I guess I can answer this first, even though you guys already know what the answer plainly is. Was this movie good? No. Fuck no, this movie was boring as shit. Is it at least watchable? Uh...kind of, I guess. If you can overlook the horrible pacing this movie has. However, I'll get into all that later.
Might as well just start off as I usually do with these reviews. Let's start with the writing. What fuck writing...? There is no story here whatsoever. At least one that doesn't have an interesting plot or characters that you can care about. No, this is the kind of movie that you would find airing on the Hallmark Channel, only without any of the profanity or the stick up Corey's ass joke that would never fly on the Hallmark Channel. Because without any of that, this would totally qualify as a Hallmark Channel Original Movie. Well, "original" is stretching it, because the Hallmark Channel doesn't know the first thing about being original. Especially when it comes to airing their Christmas movies, since they're all the same god damn movie, just by reworking the plot a little bit and giving it a new title, and there you go. Brand new movie title, same fucking shit. And I would not be shocked if this movie somehow actually aired on the Hallmark Channel in Canada, where this film was being made. I don't even know if Canada actually has a Hallmark Channel, but if they do, well, there you go Canadians, I've found you a new movie that you can air if you're that desperate for something slightly different for your Hallmark Channel.
So now that I've turned away any Canadian viewers who might actually be reading this review, let's talk some more about the movie itself. Now if you really want a summarized version of this movie's "plot", allow me to go through some of the motions for you. A female wrestler named "Smasheena" comes back for a 10 year high school reunion. Our main character, Corey, is looking to try and make amends with her and see if she wants to go out with him again. Turns out she actually has a boyfriend, who also happens to be her manager and is also a bit of a sleazy scumbag. Well, during a conference, Corey, with the help of Luke, and a couple of other people through various events, ends up promoting a retirement match, to which Sheena was already contemplating on with her manager to begin with, and also tells Corey not to reveal this information. To which, he inadvertently does, because his friend, Luke, ends up messing the idea by revealing it early and Sheena gets pissed at Corey, even though he it wasn't entirely his fault. And through all that, they end up play wrestling and eventually she has her retirement match in Corey's hometown, despite her manager's suggestions of holding it in some bigger arena in either Chicago or Florida. And, oh, drama happens between Corey and Sheena, and through via bullshit shenanigans and pep talks, they end up together and the movie just ends.
Seriously, guys, I'm not kidding when I say that this movie would be perfect for the Hallmark Channel. I know I've been beating that horse a bit, but I seriously don't know how I else I can describe the plot to this movie. It's predictable garbage that we've seen done many times beforehand, and this movie does nothing new whatsoever. Even with wrestling added to the mix, there's really not a whole lot of it that's interesting or even unique about it. It just feels incredibly tacked on, with a couple of wrestlers added to the mix to bring flavor to the movie. And on an off note, the wrestling itself is just boring as shit. I know people will keep bringing up the whole "wrestling is fake" shit, but, guys, as someone who has been to a couple of wrestling events, I can tell you that the matches I saw there were more fast paced and interesting than what we actually got in this movie. That's how uninteresting the matches are.
Now since this movie also advertises itself as a romantic comedy, I should go ahead and tell you guys that the comedy in this movie is a complete misfire. There's not a single joke in this movie that'll you make laugh. Actually, this movie doesn't even try for a joke at all because it just relies it's own made-up bullshit as humor, and none of it is funny. None of it is witty. And unless you find Corey's awkwardness to be completely humorous to you, then I guess you might find something funny about that. But again, this is something that's been done numerous times beforehand, and it wasn't interesting then, nor is it interesting in this movie. The humor in this movie is, as I just said, a complete misfire.
Adding onto that, the pacing in this movie absolutely atrociously bad. This movie feels like it takes *forever* to get itself going. I thought that, by the time we got to the retirement match for Sheena, the movie would probably end there. And it really should've, because at least then it feel something like an ending. But nope, the movie keeps going for another 20 minutes or so, and it just feels so fucking long. And even before that, the rest of the pacing is also horrendously awful. Nothing about this movie flows in a good matter and it makes wish that there as an actual editor for this movie who would trim a lot fat from this film and condense it down a bit. There is no reason whatsoever for this movie to be 102 minutes long. I would've not minded being that long, if, again, the pacing actually flowed better, and we got something that was actually interesting for it to warrant being 102 minutes long. But no, this movie feels way too long and really should've gotten rid of a ton of padding.
To give you guys an example, let me talk about the characters for a moment. As I already said about Corey, he has this awkwardness to him that makes him unsure about whether or not he should go for the girl that he let get away from his high school reunion. That part doesn't really bother me as much as it should. No, it's every scene where he talks with this Indian woman about his troubles, and these scenes offer *nothing* of value. I'm serious, guys, every scene that involves her is, not only pointless, but also unfunny, too. If this film had cut out every scene involving her, the film would've flowed a *lot* better. And before I get some kind accusation of being racist, I'm not attacking her race. I'm attacking the scenes that she's involved in that serves no purpose to the movie whatsoever. If she had played more of a bigger part, like Luke or Corey's mother, I would probably be fine with it. But as is, her scenes had no rhyme or reason to be in this movie whatsoever.
As for other characters, well, you have Tab, who, as I said, is going out with Sheena, and is also a sleazy scumbag manager. Because that's totally not an overdone trope that we've seen done in many other films and TV shows, where the manager is always the villain and I'm personally really sick of that trope in general. As for Sheena herself, well, she's rather inconsistent. See, at the beginning of the film, it's shown that she has some anger issues. And I thought that would play more of a part as the film went on, but they really don't do very much with it later on, and eventually, she just drops that whole anger thing altogether as if it never happened. And as such, her entire personality is boring as shit and all she does is contemplate her feelings on either Corey or going to Japan to wrestle over there. And like with everything else in this movie, it's not interesting at all.
So yeah, guys, I think it goes without saying that what little writing is here is just complete and utter garbage. I really cannot think of a single thing about this movie's plot that I would consider a remote positive. Maybe I would've considered the wrestling bit to be decent, but with how much it's tacked on here, I can't really do that. So yeah, there's not a single positive I can garner out of this movie's writing. The acting here is almost equally horrible, with the one lone exception being Mick Foley. Granted, he's not in the film for very long, but with what few scenes that he's in, he's actually the only one here who seems to be having some kind of fun. And I should also briefly mention that another wrestler by the name of Lance Storm is also in this movie for a short time, too. However, like with Foley, he's not in the movie for very long either, and I personally have never cared about Lance Storm to begin with. But I at least wanted to mention him for anyone who might be interested to know. But yeah, outside of those two mentions, everyone's acting is just beyond garbage.
Costuming here is OK, I guess. And I'm mainly referring to the ring attire "Smasheena" wears. Granted, the bulky shoulder pads aren't really anything special, but at least the costume itself is decent I suppose. There's really not much I can comment on for special effects outside of, maybe, a little bit of blood being poured out at one moment between Corey and Tab. Beyond that, there's nothing much else I can say about special effects.
Camerawork here is really good. The lighting here is lit well enough. Sound-mixing here is decent. The music is honestly special. I'm kinda ranging it on being a little shit, mainly for the ending credits song. Like I said, it sounded really annoying to me and I doubt it'll actually get any better if I took the time to listen to it. So yeah, music here is kinda shit.
Ultimately, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Chokeslam"? Hell no! There's nothing about this movie that'll appeal to you, unless you find the whole tacked on wrestling bit to sell you on this movie. That, or if you are one of those sad bastards that actually watches Hallmark Channel Original movies and you want something that's safe and similar to that, then yeah, you could probably add this crap to your collection of viewing. But if you want something that's actually interesting, or if you don't like romantic comedies like myself, then there's no reason for you to watch this. It's boring, slow, and it offers nothing new or interesting, even as a romantic comedy. It's also not funny either, so that's another reason why I could not recommend this film to you guys. It it just trash from top to bottom and I'm thankful that I no longer have to contemplate on whether I should keep this thing for my DVD collection or just sell it, because it's going straight into the latter option. Now, speaking of my DVD collection, I'm gonna go and watch something better right now. And I want to watch something that both involves wrestling and is also a comedy. Well, I have two of those things. One of those is "The Calamari Wrestler", which I reviewed not too long ago and loved it. And I also have the first 4 episodes of "Ultimate Muscle" on DVD. I'm gonna go and watch those episodes first, and then I'll watch "The Calamari Wrestler" afterwards, because I could use a good laugh after getting through this fucking turd.
Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.