Reaction & Review | Golgo 13: The Professional

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering an animated movie from 1983. That movie is "Golgo 13: The Professional".

Now, my first exposure to this series actually came from the 1998 OVA called "Golgo 13: Queen Bee", when I discovered a VHS copy of it at my local mini mall a couple of years ago. And I greatly enjoyed it. So much so that I wanted to see more from this series. And upon looking this series up, I found out that there is at least two live-action movies, plus the first animated film from them that I'm gonna be covering tonight. Which is pretty cool.

Now as from what I remember about Golgo 13 himself, I do know that he is a professional hitman, similar to another famous hitman character known as Agent 47 from the "Hitman" video games. The only major difference is that Golgo 13 does not have an obvious barcode on the back of his head. So there is that. Plus, well, I'm not that invested in the "Hitman" games, surprisingly enough. I tried playing one of them a year ago and it just wasn't my thing.

But getting back on topic, I do hope this movie is gonna be really good. I'm hoping that it's gonna be just as good, if not better than "Queen Bee" was. But I really won't know for sure unless I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Golgo 13: The Professional".

5 minutes later

Well, guys, I am able to say that this opening song here is actually really good. I know you guys can't hear it for obvious reasons, but I'm *really* liking this opening song here. I'm hoping this is a good sign of things to come.

5 minutes later

So, guys, I've learned that Golgo 13 really doesn't do anything when a woman is trying to have sex with him. I mean, he's lying down on his back, but he really has no emotion or anything while this woman is trying desperately hard to get him in the mood. I didn't think that was actually possible, guys, but I guess you do learn something new everyday.

8 minutes later

All right, guys, two things. One, I got it wrong earlier in thinking that Golgo 13 doesn't do anything when a woman is making out with him. He will totally do her back. And two, I've already mentioned this before, but I'm really loving the music in this movie. This jazz score here is just so good. I don't have much to say about the story yet, but I'm still very intrigued nonetheless.

11 minutes later

So, despite getting stabbed in the back shoulder, along with a bunch of guys that just shot and blew up a church that he was in, Golgo still somehow manages to escape. At this point, I kinda have to ask if the guy is superhuman, because I don't really know if *anything* will actually effect him.

6 minutes later

Alright, well, now that I've gotten a chance to see more of this guy, I believe I can confirm that Snake is very creepy and sadistic as shit. I could use more colorful words, however, I think what I've said now is good enough for him.

12 minutes later

OK, that was a fucking awesome shot. And the way that Golgo was able to hit his target through multiple windows through one building like that was really fucking awesome. I loved that!

11 minutes later

You know, guys, I'm hoping that, by the time this movie finishes, Snake gets a horribly painful death that will be incredibly satisfying. Calling it now.

14 minutes later

Wait, let me see if I understand this. So the little girl that Dawson had under her control fired some kind of gun hidden inside her doll at Golgo 13. It misses, and Golgo retaliates by shooting at the butler next to her, whom also had a gun in his possession. He kills him, and he just walks off like nothing has happened. I should note that this took place at an airport where multiple witnesses were present. And yet, nobody tries to stop him after he just killed a man? I understand that the man is a professional assassin, but I really would've thought that maybe some kind security would attempt to stop him. Just something I wanted to make mention of.

6 minutes later

Oh yeah...I seem to have forgotten about this. So, I didn't mention this before, guys, but I remember seeing a trailer for this movie some years ago, and I remember something very distinctive about it. Mainly, the usage of these CG helicopters that I'm seeing right now. And, my god, do they look laughably terrible. The fact that I'm seeing it now just makes it stand out in a jarring way. Just...good god, this CG just looks horrible.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Golgo 13: The Professional". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off now...OK. So, now that I've finally seen this thing, I can officially say that I really did enjoy this movie. Did I enjoy it as much "Queen Bee"? Most definitely, yes. I'm not quite sure if I enjoyed it more than that one. I'll have to rewatch it at some point to see which of the two I liked more. In fact, I might actually just do that after I finish this review. So at least I know what I'll be doing after all this.

But before I get to that, I first want to go over the movie itself. I'm gonna start with writing. Now, if you're not familiar with the "Golgo 13" series, I can tell you guys straight up that this movie's tone is rather dark. In fact, both this and "Queen Bee" is very dark in tone. Nothing about this is light-hearted in any way. This movie has a ton of killing, rape, and with how it all plays out is sometimes even more disturbing. It doesn't let up on itself to show this sort of graphic detail. Now some people are gonna see this as a huge turn off, seeing as how the movie is almost pitch black in tone. And I can understand why. But that, I believe, is the charm of what makes this movie so damn compelling to watch, because it knows what it wants to be and, had this movie kinda been more jokey with itself, I think it would've ruined it's dark tone and would've been completely out of place. Which is a criticism I think James Gunn would be allergic to, since he only knows one kind of movie to make and constantly repeats that process with his other movies.

But setting aside that, the tone here definitely works to it's advantage. Our main assassin, Golgo 13, is also in the same category in which he has no real emotions even when he's on the job. Now, if I had any sort of criticism to make, it would be Golgo 13, or Duke, as his first name indicates, doesn't really have a backstory to speak of. And I'm bringing this up because when I was watching "Queen Bee", I noticed that the man didn't have a backstory in that thing, so I figured that since this is the first kind of feature to where it's focused on Golgo 13, I would think maybe they would try something of a backstory about how Golgo 13 is and how and why he became the assassin that he is today. Well, you don't really get that kind of thing here. Which I'm a little bit surprised by, because, again, I genuinely thought they would throw in some kind backstory for our main assassin, but we don't get anything like that. And normally, I would probably write this off as his character being kind of bland. But then again, I actually think it does work for him in this film because it's not really meant as a character piece. It's more about him going after the targets that he's been paid to kill and still looking badass while doing all this.

One thing I did want to mention is a plothole that I didn't really think about until this movie actually addressed it. You see, our main villain of the movie, Leonard Dawson, is hellbent on killing Golgo 13 after the assassin killed his son, who was suppose to take over his father's company. And later on in the movie, the wife of her now dead husband asks Leonard why doesn't he focus on killing the person who hired Golgo 13 rather than Golgo 13 himself? And that makes sense because Golgo 13 is just doing a job. So why the personal vendetta against him? And Leonard doesn't explain anything other than saying to her that he can't talk about it. And he still doesn't. That is, until near the very end of the movie where we actually do get an answer as to who hired Golgo 13 to kill Leonard's son. And I won't spoil it for you guys, but I will say that it actually does make some sense, in a cruel way. I'll just leave it at that because I really don't want to spoil this movie for you guys.

One other minor nitpick about the writing I wanted to bring up is something I brought up earlier, in which I was gonna ask on whether or not Golgo 13 is superhuman. In which, I mean he's able to outmaneuver everyone that's after him and still be walking out on his own two feet. And for the most part, he's mostly like that. He rarely, if ever, gets damaged or even slows down. The only times you get to see that out of him is with his fight against Snake, and Gold and Silver, the latter being a duo of criminals who were released from prison from the Pentagon. Yeah, I should mention that Dawson has recruited help from the Pentagon, CIA, and FBI to go after and kill Golgo 13. And despite all these governmental agencies all teaming together, Golgo is about to outmaneuver them with very little problems. Like I said, the only ones able to provide any challenge are Snake, Gold, and Silver. All of which take place in the last act of the movie. And even then, Golgo's still able to walk it off with very little problems. Again, it's just a minor thing, but it is something that I did happen to notice as I was watching the movie. So you can take that for what it's worth.

But ultimately, guys, the writing in this movie is very strong. Again, I can understand why some people would be turned away from the darker tones of the film, but I still believe that it works very well and doesn't shy away from it. And while I think it could've benefited from delving into a little bit of Golgo 13's backstory, what is here is still enough to where you could overlook it because what you see from him is what you get, and it's still very good regardless. Now as for the acting, I watched it with the English dub, and I gotta say that the dub here is very good. I can't really recall any instance to where anyone might've phoned it in because everyone did an outstanding job with the script that they were given here. And given that this dub was done in 1992, it is surprisingly very good. Now as I've done with quite a few other anime movies, there is an option to where you can obviously watch it with the Japanese audio with English subtitles, just in case you're not into English dubs. So both sides of the coin are satisfied here.

Now let's talk about animation. And the first thing I need to let you guys know is that the animation was done by TMS. I've talked about them extensively back when I did "Lupin the Marathon", when I was covering "Lupin The 3rd" movies, and they also did this movie. And while I will admit that there is a couple of bits in animation where it could've improved, most of it is just very minor stuff. The art design here is great for this movie, as is the color palettes. This is some really awesome stuff, especially for something that came out in 1983. This is definitely one of the more impressive looking animated films that came out during the 80's. Maybe not as a whole from back then, but I would probably say at least from 83. So at least there's that. But yeah, the hand drawn animation here is great.

That then brings me into the CG, which I actually didn't think I would ever talk about in an animated movie from 1983, but yeah, here we are. This is the very first animated film to include CG, and, boy, does it show it's age. Now maybe, at the time, that this was very revolutionary. However, I happen to remember watching "TRON", which came out a year prior to this one, which also used CG and they did it significantly better. The CG in this is just terrible. A lot of that involves the helicopters, and they stand out like a sore thumb. Also, the outside buildings are rendered in CG, too. Though I will say that they don't look too bad for it's time. The helicopters, on the other hand, are not so fortunate. And it's especially more jarring when they're in action, because at certain points, it will switch back to traditional animation after Golgo 13 takes down a helicopter, and the copter itself is hand drawn. And obviously, it looks a hell of a lot better than the ugly-looking CG models. And I know I shouldn't be complaining about these models, seeing as how it's the first 2D film to include CG, however, I still feel like I have to mention it anyways and give my own input on it, as I'm suppose to do with a movie review. Again, maybe for it's time, it looked really interesting. However, I still would've thought it looked terrible, even for the standards of 1983. So yeah, the CG here is terrible. Granted, you could get a laugh out of how terrible they look, so I can't say that there isn't any merit to them at all. But still, I'm not quite a fan of them myself.

Anyway, the sound-mixing here is good. The score here is fantastic. It has mixture of jazz, early rock music, etc, and it sounds fantastic. Especially the jazz music, because I really like how well the jazz music was done here. Granted, some of that is incorporated into the sex scenes, which Golgo still has an emotionless expression even when he's suppose to be banging whatever gal he comes across. Still though, outside of that, the music is still great from top to bottom. There isn't a single bad track that I came across, so it makes a great movie even better.

So yeah, guys, I think you already know what I'm gonna say here. When it comes down to it, can I recommend "Golgo 13: The Professional"? Oh yes, definitely, guys. This movie is great. The only thing I have to sorta caution you on is that the very dark tone of the movie is not going to be for everyone. So if you're uncomfortable with the darker themes of the movie, then you probably won't want to watch it. But I still believe it's worth checking out, especially if you're someone who's either a fan of the "Golgo 13" series, or if you're a newcomer and you want to get into it, then I wouldn't mind this being your first film. Just, again, you have been warned about what I said involving the dark tones of the movie. So yeah, guys, I can definitely recommend "Golgo 13: The Professional". I'm glad that I was able to get around to it after buying it at a convention a couple of years ago and it was totally worth the wait. Now, I said earlier that I was going to watch "Golgo 13: Queen Bee" after I finished watching this movie, and I'm still gonna hold to that. So I'm gonna go do that right now as soon as I upload this review because I really do want to see it again.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Splatter University

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a slasher film from 1984. That movie is "Splatter University".

Now, I'm gonna tell you, guys, I know almost nothing about this movie, other than it being a slasher movie. Now from what little information that I was able to find on this film, apparently, it was distributed by Troma. But the version I have on DVD does not have their name listed here. Instead, the studio I got on here that put out this DVD goes by the name of Elite Entertainment. I have never heard of them prior to me covering this movie. Maybe it's possible that they have some affiliation with Troma in some way. Though if that is the case, then Troma's name should've been on here anyways. I don't know. Perhaps maybe I'm just looking way too deep into this more than I should, but it is something that seemed slightly odd to me.

Beyond that, guys, I don't know what to expect from this movie, although considering it's a slasher film, I think I might have a pretty good idea as to what the content is gonna be shown here. That said, I'm really curious to find out if this film is gonna be any good at all. And the only way I'm gonna know that for certain is for me to shut up so I can push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Splatter University".

2 minutes later

So, guys, our movie's just started, and already, we have our first kill, which resulted in this doctor getting stabbed in the crotch. Never thought I'd actually get to say that when doing these reviews, but hey, there's always a first time, isn't there?

11 minutes later

Well, guys, I think I can safely, so far anyway, that the acting in this movie is just horrible. I want to say that it's so bad it's funny, but I haven't really gotten that kind of acting yet. God, stop howling, dude! Anyway, maybe I'll get it later on, but I seriously doubt that.

11 minutes later

All right, guys, I have a bit of a tip for anyone who's interested in doing a slasher film. If you're gonna have a fake out scare, make sure your actors aren't smiling when you're getting a close up of each of them screaming. Because that's what this movie just did with it's actors, and it looked terrible. I'm hoping that these jagoffs get killed off sooner rather than later. Because I'm already despising every single one them!

14 minutes later

So, guys, I'm gonna ask this, because I'm really curious about something right now. Is *anything* interesting gonna happen in this fucking movie?! I'm serious, guys, this movie is becoming boring as shit! And for a movie that claims to be a slasher film, I haven't seen much slashing going on for quite a while. Can this movie do one thing interesting that I can maybe give a fuck about?! I'm really hoping so.

5 minutes later

Wait, let me see if I understand this. So they acknowledge the girl that got killed at the drive-in, yet earlier, when another high school girl was killed by the same maniac at a parking lot, apparently, nobody gave a fuck about it! Even though she probably went to the same high school along with our band of high school retards! Oh my fucking god...I'm hating this, guys. I really am. I never thought I'd feel this way about a slasher film in a long time. But, my god, this movie is just getting worse with each passing minute. And I still got another...fuck, 33 minutes of this crap!

13 minutes later

Did Ms. Parker seriously leave the newspapers from Mark's desk that she pulled out and just left on top of his desk?! Even though she was the one who broke into his apartment, and now she's hightailing after he gets home without putting the newspapers back inside his desk! Jesus Christ...I want to find the people who wrote this and I want to beat them with a fucking sledgehammer to their faces because this is just inexcusably shit, guys.

The Review

Oh...thank you god, it's over! Well, guys, that was "Splatter University"...good fucking god. So...now that I've had a chance to kinda sorta mellow out on my own for a moment, I'm gonna tell you guys right now that this is easily one of the worst slasher films I have seen in, well...ever. I know that may seem like an over-exaggeration on my part, but you guys seriously have no idea how awful this movie truly is.

So, now that I have given you an idea of what I feel about this movie, let's talk more about it, shall we? Let's start with the writing. I would say that the writing here is completely stupid. However, that would be a horrible insult to the numerous amount of stupid movies I have seen for this series. Why? Because those movies at least have that sort of charm to them to where they earned that naturally. I would probably say that this movie is completely retarded, however, I can't even do that either, because in some small way, movies that border on being retarded still at least have some sort of redeeming value to them, to where it could meet the standards of it being so bad it's good. This movie, on the other hand, is on a level that I rarely ever use this sort of term to describe anything. That term that I would use to describe this movie is brain-dead. That's how low this movie goes. Hell, I would say it goes even lower than that, because this movie wouldn't even meet the standards of somebody who might set their expectations on it being complete shit. That's how horrid this movie really is, guys.

I want to talk about the characters, because this is where most of the horrid writing comes from. Now I know that since this movie is technically a slasher film, you really shouldn't be expecting anything when it comes to character depth in slasher films, because that rarely ever happens there. That said, I would at least like a reason to care about any of these characters before they get killed off. And this movie fails at this miserably. There is not a single character in this movie that you're going to give a fuck about. Every high school student here has all the depth and personality of a burnt piece of toast. Hell, I could barely remember any of their names, outside Johnny and Cathy, because they were kinda going out and Kathy ends up getting killed at the drive-in theater. Beyond that, I could barely tell you anything about them, or any of these high school students. Not even the one who got killed and was dumped into a trash bin, because apparently, no one gave a fuck about her, or even mentioned her after that. So either she was a complete orphan and her parents never called about her disappearance, or she was just a terrible actress that was never originally suppose to be in this movie, but she still got in just so she could get a quick paycheck. Either way, her existence in this movie could've been cut out and you wouldn't have missed a thing.

Now with all the worthless high school characters out of the way, let's about our main character, Julie Parker. Oh, sweet heavenly fuck, where do I start with her...? Guys, I understand that it's a common trope for horror and slasher films to have some stupid characters be present in some way. But when your main character is this fucking brain-dead like the entire movie is, you have a serious problem that I don't think could ever be rectified. There is no way in way hell someone wrote this and thought to themselves that they could make a main character more brain-dead than they could possibly imagine. But rather than just describing how brain-dead she really is, I should probably talk about a couple of examples that brought her into being brain-dead.

The first example I'm gonna bring up is something that I brought up earlier as I was watching the movie. So, she and her friend went over to Mark's home because Julie suspects that Mark is the killer of all these killings that have happened at the high school that Julie is teaching at. She breaks into his apartment and starts going through a certain area at his desk, where he apparently has been keeping newspapers where all of the headlines feature the killer being at large. And as she's going through this, she hears Mark's car parking nearby and she decides to get out of there. She does this, even though she left all the newspapers on his desk rather than, you know, putting them back inside his desk where they belong. And when he comes in to discover that his desk has been ransacked, he hears a car outside to where he sees Julie leaving with his best friend in the car and he does nothing about it right then and there! Yeah, he tries to call her later on, even though she hung up on him without getting any answers.

So, to summarize so far, Julie is guilty of trespassing, breaking and entering, and leaving her fingerprints all over his desk, and doorknob, yet Mark decides not to report her because of reasons that ultimately won't matter in the end. Which then brings me to the second example of Julie being brain-dead, and that also has to do with our killer. See, throughout most of the entire film, the movie is trying to hint at the viewer on multiple occasions that Mark might be the killer. And I'll spoil this much, in case you're dumb enough to watch this film, Mark is not the killer. It's someone else entirely. And it's very blatantly obvious as to who it is based on their movements and their clothing. And if you don't figure out who it is by the time the movie reveals this sort of twist, well, then you're about as brain-dead as Julie is because she never has any other suspects in mind, other than Mark. Which I find to be incredibly ironic, considering that she's suppose to be a teacher, but I guess she's not a smart teacher at all if this movie is anything to go by.

So yes, guys, the writing in this movie is absolutely horrible. It's horrible as a slasher film. Which probably wouldn't be saying much, seeing as how a lot of slasher films aren't known for their award winning writing, but considering how horrible the writing is in this movie, it takes that awfulness and reaches a new low that I haven't come across in a movie in a long, long time. And that's saying a lot, considering all of the horrible movies I had to suffer through for this series, and this one definitely ranks very high up there. Now to add on to the horribleness, the acting is absolutely atrocious. A lot of the acting here is wooden as shit. Everybody sounds like they're bored at their jobs. The worst actress has to go to this red-headed high school student who apparently doesn't get the memo that you shouldn't be smiling when you're screaming. It happened twice in this movie. The first is the example I brought up earlier in the movie. The second is when she's about to be killed. She has her mouth opened as she's screaming and while the killer is about to stab the inside of her mouth. And on her face, it looks as if she's smiling as she's about to stabbed! What the fuck is she smiling for as she's about to be killed is anyone's guess. But it should also serve has a how-to guide on what not to do when making a slasher film. This actress is the definition on what not to do and I hope she has never set foot in front a camera again after this because I do not believe that she knows the basics when it comes to acting. She was horrendous on every single fucking level.

Special effects here are decent at best. In terms of it being a low budget slasher film, the practical effects in terms of blood and gore effects are probably one of the only bright spots in this entire movie. Mind you, it's not the best kind of blood effects I've seen from a low budget horror movie, but I can't say it's entirely bad either. So I can say, at the very least, the effects there are fine. The kills themselves aren't really anything spectacular, as most of is just consists of stabbings. Which, I'm rather disappointed by, because they would've done something halfway interesting with it's kills. But sadly, that's not the case here. They just went for the safe and standard way of stabbing or cutting the victims skin off with a knife. Which I believe is the only weapon the killer uses. So, that kinda coincides with the standard kills this movie has to offer.

Camerawork here is OK, but the picture and sound quality is just terrible here. And I'm mostly gonna put the blame for this on this DVD. Because this movie looks and feels as if it was ripped off a bad VHS and was just put on DVD without actually cleaning any of the footage up. It's especially noticeable with the sound quality because a lot of this movie just feels very quiet. There are some scenes in particular, such as any of them involving the high school kids, where the audio makes these scenes more quieter than usual. And I was curious about something, so I looked up to see if this movie was up on YouTube somewhere and, sure enough, there actually is a copy of it on there. And when I was checking it, I noticed, of the couple of scenes that I skimmed through, the sound and picture is a *lot* better improved. Which makes me ask what the hell was going on when Elite Entertainment put this thing out on DVD? I know Troma distributed the movie, but as I mentioned earlier, the version I have doesn't have Troma's name anywhere on it. Lloyd Kaufman is actually involved as one of the producers, but I still didn't see anything involving Troma. Now it's very well possible that the DVD and Blu-ray versions that's distributed by Troma actually has cleaned up the footage. Because if they did, then that makes the version I have on DVD completely unwatchable. Now yes, I know the movie is complete shit, but it would've helped had Elite Entertainment got off their lazy asses and actually did something to make this DVD more presentable. But since they didn't, I can't give them any props here.

So yeah, as I said earlier, the camerawork here, minus the shitty picture quality, is passable at best. Lighting here is also OK. The sound-mixing here is garbage, as I've kinda already touched upon earlier. It's also especially bad because it feels like the boom mic might've gotten too close to some of the actors when it picked up their dialogue, because it sounds pretty loud when that happens. But again, I'm mostly gonna put the blame on this for the version I watched on DVD. Music, well, there's really not much I can say about it. It just kinda exists, really. So yeah, the technical work is, oh, heavily mediocre at best.

And with all that said, I think you guys know the answer already, but just in case, am I able to recommend "Splatter University"? No. Fuck no! This movie is fucking garbage. Ignoring all the technical problems involving this DVD, the movie itself is fucking horrendous. What with a story that is horrible, and the characters are all brain-dead to hell, this movie is quite easily one of the worst slasher films I have seen in a long time. And that's saying a lot, mind you, because I watched awful slasher films like "Garden Tool Massacre", which has some of the *worst* sound-mixing I've heard in a movie in years. This movie I would say is second place in that running in terms of horrible slasher movies I've seen, because this thing borders on being unwatchable. I know I said earlier that there is a version of this movie you could watch on YouTube for free. Do not waste your time. Even if they had fixed the sound quality in that thing there, that doesn't mean that you should take the time out in watching this movie. It is horrible from start to fucking finish! And the more I keep talking about this movie, the more physically ill I feel. So to make up for it, I'm gonna go and watch something better. Maybe a better slasher film like, well, I don't know...you know what? I'm gonna go and watch "The Vagrant" again. Because I need to feel better now after having to suffer through awful dreck.

So anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | The Hobbit

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering an animated movie from 1977. That movie is "The Hobbit".

Now, my history with "The Lord of the Rings" is a bit different from others. You see, I didn't grow up reading the books. And while everyone gushes over about how great the Peter Jackson movies are, I've never seen them. I might've seen a little bit of the first movie on TCM years ago, but nothing beyond that. The only thing I've seen from J.R.R. Tolkien's series is when I watched Ralph Baskhi's version that came out a year after this film did. And while that movie was flawed as hell, what with it having a troubled production, I still enjoyed it enough to keep for my DVD collection. I also have played the video game version of "The Hobbit" on Gamecube, although very little of it. I've been wanting to get back into it at some point, however, a huge backlog of gaming has been piling up, so I kinda have to work around that somehow.

So yes, my history isn't as aligned with this series as most others are on it. Which then brings me to this movie. And if you're not familiar with this movie, it's essentially a prequel to the "Lord of the Rings", where it focuses on Bilbo Baggins. Which is great for me because, while I'm a little familiar with how "The Lord of the Rings" goes, I haven't really experienced too much of it's prequel storyline. So this will be a new experience for me. Also, I should mention that this movie was produced by Rankin/Bass and Topcraft. I've talked about them beforehand when I reviewed "The Flight of Dragons", because they've produced two wonderful movies, both in "The Flight of Dragons" and "The Last Unicorn", the latter being my favorite fantasy film of all time.

And now, I get to experience another film from their catalog. And I'm hoping that this one is going to be just as good as the other two films are. Granted, I know that's sorta setting a high bar here, but I really want to like this one because I just have that feeling that it's going to be great. So it's time to see if this movie will actually live up to that greatness as I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "The Hobbit".

9 minutes later

Well, guys, this really shouldn't come as a shocker, seeing as this film is from Rankin/Bass, but the music in this movie is really good so far. Granted, the songs are a little slower paced than others, but I'm still really liking it, guys. It's just that good.

4 minutes later

OK, I have a question here. Really kind of a stupid one, but I'm still gonna ask it anyway. So, Bilbo was caught by the trolls after he was forced into stealing their meat, while the trolls are sitting around their campfire eating. Why didn't they wait until *after* the trolls fell asleep? I'd think you have a better chance at that than trying to poach it while they're still awake. That just seems like a really stupid move on the dwarfs part. Oh, and now they're caught, too. At least Bilbo got away while the trolls were distracted. So, at least he has a chance to regroup and try to rescue them.

1 minute later

Oh...I didn't know that trolls turned to stone in the daylight. I always thought that was just limited to creatures like gargoyles, but I guess not. You do learn something new everyday, don't ya?

9 minutes later

OK, I have another question here. So this is the second time that Gandalf has saved Bilbo and the dwarfs. Why doesn't he just stick around with them rather than just going off on his own merry way until they get into trouble? I know he's technically on the journey with them, but it seems to me that Gandalf's really the only one who's doing any actual work rather than any of the dwarfs. I'm just saying that, maybe, they could contribute a little bit other than just having Gandalf saving their asses every time. Just a thought, really.

17 minutes later

OK, so Gandalf is actually gonna let Bilbo take over as leader of the dwarfs for the rest of the journey by giving him the map, while Gandalf goes out to take care of some business. Hopefully, he stays true to his word this time, because, well, it's suppose to be centered around Bilbo Baggins. If not, then I'm gonna be a little bit disappointed.

8 minutes later

All right, guys, I am gonna say that the songs here are still really good. That much I can say with certainty. However, I'm having a slight problem with how the story is playing out with Bilbo just narrating about what's been happening as the movie progresses. I'll talk more about it later once I get to reviewing this film, but I just wanted to let you guys know now that the writing here is becoming a little bit of a problem at the moment.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "The Hobbit". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. Well, I am gonna start off by saying that, while this movie is indeed flawed, I actually still think it's pretty good. It's nowhere near as good as "The Last Unicorn" or "The Flight of Dragons", but it is still enjoyable in it's own way.

So, why don't we go ahead and start this review off proper here by first talking about the writing. Now, seeing as how I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the Peter Jackson movies, I can't really make comparisons as to which is better and why. So basically, it really just comes down to how well this film is able to stand on it's own standards. And on it's own standards, I would say that it's a pretty good fantasy adventure film. However, it does run into a couple of noticeable problems that sorta plague this movie from being great. One of those problems is the runtime. This thing clocks in at 78 minutes long, and that really isn't time to let this sort of film breathe and help develop it's characters. I understand that when you are adapting something, whether's something like a novel, or game, etc., you have to make some changes or cut out some things in order for your adaptation to function, however, I feel like this film doesn't really do enough, because it feels like they just rushed through certain sequences in order to get to the mountain where Smaug is keeping the stolen treasure.

Which then greatly transitions into the next big problem this movie has. The pacing here is just incredibly uneven. Part of the reason why the pacing is uneven is due to the film's short runtime, but, like I also said, they rushed through quite a bit in order to get to the more interesting parts of the story. The biggest example is when after Gandalf gives the map to Bilbo and he travels with his dwarf companions, it's when the story starts to feel rushed. Which is funny, because the first half of the movie before that is actually paced really well. Because they did have a bit more breathing room to show more of Bilbo and friends adventure, and it never felt like they rushed through that. After that, though, a lot of what happens afterwards is told through narration by Bilbo. Now the reason why he's doing this narration is because he's making a journal to show his progress on what's been going on while Gandalf is away. And it's sort of a double edge sword because while it's cool that you actually see some of the progress while he's narrating, it's still rushed because this film doesn't have the time to show everything in a better paced fashion.

And on another note, I want to talk about something that really sorta bugged me about a certain part of Bilbo's narration. You see, after his companions get captured by the elven people, he mentions that it took *weeks* for him to discover the keys one of the guards was carrying and then use the barrels as a clever way to escape from the caves. And this raises a bunch of questions for me that I'll try to narrow down. One, how the hell is Bilbo surviving all this while his companions are jailed? Yes, I know he has the ring to make himself invisible, but he still has to eat and stuff to survive. Two, why the hell did it take him weeks, not days or hours, *weeks* to find the guards keys in order to release his friends? And three, assuming Bilbo was taking his sweet ass time to find the jail keys, what the hell else has he been doing this entire time while trying to find the keys?! Now yes, you could probably say that this question is just sorta combining the previous the two questions I already posed, but still, I really would like to know something about Bilbo's questionable methods.

And seeing as how I mentioned Bilbo and his companions, I'm gonna say that the characters in this movie aren't really that well developed. And it's not just because of the film's short runtime that hinders this, but also because the characters themselves, with the exceptions of Bilbo and Gandalf. I could probably maybe add Gollum and Smaug, because they actually have something resembling a personality. But as for Bilbo's dwarf companions, you really don't care about them very much. Hell, I can't even remember their names because a lot of them are just that bland and boring. And that goes for the humans, the elven people, and eagles. None of them have any real defining character traits and they're not really in the movie for very long. Also, I don't know if this came from the books or the movies, but apparently, from between Bilbo breaking out his companions to getting to Smaug's mountain, Bilbo also has a little blue bird that follows him. Again, I have no idea if this bird came from any of the books or movies, but that honestly felt a little tacked on and it just comes out of nowhere, really.

So, as you may have already guessed, the writing in this film is certainly flawed. However, as much as I can throw criticism at this movie, I still feel like it's worth watching. Because, as far as I know of, this is the very first anything from J.R.R. Tolkien that ever got adapted into a movie. Well technically, this one is a TV movie, but still, again, as far as I can think of, this film was the very first of anything from Tolkien to ever get adapted. Which, if that is the case, then that's really cool. Because it shows the potential of what you can do with this particular series and how it can be adapted to for future works, which is why we got Ralph Baksh's attempt at it, Peter Jackson's trilogy and his own take on "The Hobbit" films, and I also know that there is technically a sequel to this particular movie by Rankin/Bass, which is, oddly enough, "The Return of the King". Admittedly, that's a rather huge leap from this story to that one, but I'll save that for another time for when I ever get around to reviewing that movie. I'm really curious to see how they jump ship from a prequel to "The Lord of the Rings" all the way to it's finale.

So anyway, getting back on track with this movie, let's talk about the acting next. And I'm gonna say that the acting here is pretty solid. Granted, there are some lines here and there where it comes off as a bit cheesy for it's time, but for the most part, they were able to make their delivery work. Special mention is gonna go to Richard Boone voicing Smaug the dragon. And yeah, I was not expecting for Smaug to talk, but he does, and his voice just comes off as more American rather than having a lot of accents going on for the dwarfs. And also, he comes off as somewhat as normal up until he starts to get angry and starts going on a rampage. Of course, I'm talking about his character, Smaug, and not the actor himself, obviously, just in case someone reads my words wrong for some reason. But anyway, Boone's performance in this film makes Smaug stand out as the most interesting character of the entire movie. At least for me anyway. But overall, the acting here is still really good.

Animation in this movie is, for the most part, really good. However, there are moments where it'll feel a bit rough around the edges. Part of the reason is because of the fight sequences. A lot of them are just rushed and don't have any real weight to it, such as when Bilbo is fighting off the spiders. There's this weird psychedelic scene that happens as if someone's getting damaged or killed by Bilbo's magic dagger, and it just looks really visually off-putting. Another example is the final act during the war segment. Now granted, a lot of it is just lines and dots of what is happening, but it also comes back to a point where I feel like the movie could've benefited from a slightly longer runtime because they really could've extended some scenes, like the battles scenes in order for them to look a little bit more natural. Though that also could be seen as just me nitpicking that bit.

The character designs in this movie are really good. Bilbo stands out as the most unique because of his design, specifically his eyes, because his is the only ones that look slightly more detailed than, say, the dwarfs. The dwarfs themselves are designed well enough, however, despite them wearing different clothes, it's sort of difficult to get invested in any of them, seeing as how none of them have any actual character to them, outside of maybe one of them that interacts with Bilbo the most. I don't remember his name because, as I just said, his name is rather forgettable. Now I'm sure he probably had a bigger role in the books or the Peter Jackson films, but as I stated before, I've never seen any of the movies in full or read any of the books, and I'm reviewing this thing off it's own standards.

But getting back on topic with the animation, the design of Middle Earth is beautiful and it captures the kind of fantasy world that would fit into "The Lord of the Rings". Personally speaking, I feel like the Ralph Bakshi movie did it slightly better. However, I'm also aware that they are also two different stories, so I feel like it would be a bit unfair if I compared them based on that alone. Still though, what is here is still really cool and beautiful to look at. So on that end, I can at least say the animation and art design is really solid, aside from a few hiccups here and there.

Sound-mixing here is decent, although I feel like, at times, the sound can be a bit quiet with dialogue. Though that could be just a technical issue on my end, so I can't really fault the sound here too much, since just about all of it is very listenable. The music here is really good. Because, similar to "The Flight of Dragons", the score is composed by Maury Laws. And the music here is almost perfect for the kind of world that would take place in Middle Earth. However, if I had to nitpick one thing, I feel as if there's a little too much music playing at times. See, as I've already talked about this at length, but the pacing here is a bit of an issue. So to help sorta mend this, they have songs playing in certain sequences that I feel as if they really could've done with just a regular score. The best would be "The Last Unicorn" because while that movie did have songs in it, they didn't have them playing over certain sequences that didn't really need it. That, plus the songs were to help build the characters and the story. And while some of it here does work, it also feels like the movie almost refused to have a moment or two where you can have silence. Let me reiterate that the music here is far from bad, it's just that they could've balanced it out with some silent moments here and there.

So yeah, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "The Hobbit"? Yes, especially if you've never seen this iteration of this movie before and have only been exposed to the Peter Jackson movies. Mind you, I would not call it great by any means, but on it's own standards, it's still a pretty good movie. And if you're curious to see how they were able to adapt something like this into animated movie, then I can certainly say that it's worth checking out, if at least just once. I myself still enjoyed it, despite it's short comings. I'm not entirely certain if I would watch it again on repeat viewings, but I still might give it another watch at some point. I'm also really curious how they were able to adapt the other story "The Return of the King" because, as I mentioned before, I've seen Ralph Bakshi's version of "The Lord of the Rings", and that film covered the first two books. This one I've seen, and it's basically a prequel to that famous trilogy. So that just leaves the animated version of "The Return of the King". But until that day comes, I'm gonna go and rewatch Ralph Bakshi's "The Lord of the Rings" because I still really enjoyed that movie despite it's flaws. So I'm gonna go do that next as soon as I get done with this review.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Assault of the Killer Bimbos

 

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a comedy from 1988. That movie is "Assault of the Killer Bimbos".

Now, I would love to tell you guys anything that I know about this movie, but unfortunately, I don't really have much to go on. The only thing I can tell you guys is that this movie was put out by Full Moon Features. And as I promised so far, I've covered at least two other films from them previously. The first one being "Skull Heads, which turned out to be pretty good. The other movie was "The Day That Time Ended", which really didn't turn out that good. But hey, that's what you get sometimes when covering a film by Full Moon. You're either gonna get something really interesting, or you're just gonna get something kinda shit.

Now I'm hoping that this one isn't kinda shit. I'm not totally sure if it's gonna be "good" per se, but it could still turn out to be halfway decent. I don't know. The only way I am gonna know if this film is any good at all is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Assault of the Killer Bimbos".

10 minutes later

So Peaches just said to her boss that calling girls 'bimbos' is the most degrading thing that can be called to a woman. Really? I mean, maybe that was prevalent during the late 80's, not totally sure, but is it really more degrading than calling a woman 'bitch', 'hoe', or 'slut'. I'm just asking this because I really wouldn't know any other degrading term you could call a woman. I just find the term 'bimbo' to be a little bit strange, you know what I mean?

20 minutes later

So, guys, I just found the most annoying characters in this entire movie. These surfer dudes, AKA the guys who I mentioned earlier, are easily becoming the most annoying characters in this entire movie. They have been mumbling random bullshit ever since our ladies took off from the cafe. I'm already despising them, and I have to put up with their shit for another hour or so! Yeah...*totally* looking forward to that.

8 minutes later

Wait, let me see if I understand this. Our trio of leading ladies took care of this gas station attendant that was trying to rip them off by stealing their money. They get payback when Peaches sprays some kind of weird-looking glue onto his hands and they put them against a wall, and sticks his hands on it before taking off. And yet, I don't think Peaches ever noticed that her gun was missing when the gas station attendant stole it from her bag. She got her money back, but I don't recall her taking back her gun. I wonder how long it's gonna take for her to realize this, I'm kinda curious here.

9 minutes later

OK, never mind, Peaches *did* get her gun back. I genuinely thought that maybe the gas station attendant was cleverly hiding it in his other pocket from when they weren't looking. But no, I guess she actually did get her gun back and it was probably just my poor eyesight or something. So, my mistake there.

9 minutes later

All right, I have a question here because it's sorta been bugging me for a while now. Why is Wayne not wearing any shoes? I swear to god, guys, every scene that he's been in, he's always been barefoot. His retarded friends are wearing shoes, but for some reason, he's not. I don't exactly get it, but then again, I'm somebody who always wears socks when not going out. So, who am I to judge, really?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Assault of the Killer Bimbos". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off now...OK. Um...I'm trying to figure out where to even start with this one. Well, I guess I can let you guys know right off the bat that this movie is dumb as shit. It may actually be one of the stupidest films I have seen in quite a while. And that's saying a lot, considering how many stupid films I have seen for this series. And yet, despite it's stupidity, I actually kinda sorta enjoyed it. Mind you, it's far from good, but I have to admit that this film does actually have some bit of charm to it.

So, why don't we just dive right into this thing and see what exactly I can dissect here. Let's start with the writing. And as I just stated, this movie is one of the dumbest films I have seen, so far, this year. Now admittedly, I may end up changing that statement if I end up covering another movie that will somehow top this movie's stupidness. But that's gonna be a challenge in itself because this movie has stupid written all over it's face. It never takes itself seriously, as it's mostly just a straight up comedy. This movie is essentially what would happen if Andy Sidaris was in charge of directing this movie. The only thing that would be added is an excessive amount of sex scenes, which you don't really get here, outside of a kiss between Lulu and Wayne-oh, my bad "Wayne-O". Yes, that's seriously his name, but I'm gonna let that slide for now. So anyway, yeah, this movie is pretty much a straight-laced comedy and it knows what it wants to be, too. So, a lot of the criticisms I may throw at it might be seen as overly trivial to some people.

Still though, I feel like it's worth going through. To start with, the writing here is very weak. Plotwise, there's not too much to go on other than our two leading ladies, Peaches and Lulu, who end up on the run to Mexico after their former boss was killed by our villain, Vinnie, who I'll talk about in a moment. And the reason why they're on the run to Mexico is because after Vinnie kills their former boss, Vinnie ends up putting his gun into Lulu's hands before he runs off. Which then leads into a confrontation between the patrons of the club and, well, you already know the rest. Well, at least from that point anyway. Later on, they end up running into a waitress named Darlene, who they kinda sorta end up kidnapping after a police officer, who also happens to be Darlene's lover, tries to arrest them before they end up on the run again. And that's kinda it for story. There's nothing much else going on beyond that. And what little is here is mostly just played up for laughs.

As for the characters, I'm gonna start with our villain, Vinnie. And I'm gonna summarize everything about his character as such: He is basically the Hispanic version of Joe Pesci. That's it. That's his entire character for you in a nutshell. And what's weird about all this is that this was before Joe Pesci even became popular in the 90's. So I can't really say that he's ripping off his style or anything, because this thing came out a couple of years before Pesci was more well known. And setting aside the comparison with Joe Pesci, Vinnie is basically just a sleazy mobster. At least, that's what I *think* he's suppose to be. I'm not totally sure if that's really accurate or not. He spends most of his time just hanging around with his woman and relaxing. He really does nothing else beyond that, and he really comes off as non-threatening anyways.

As for our three bimbos on the run, well, like I said earlier, Darlene was sorta dragged into it after the fiasco at the diner. Lulu and Peaches are more focused on, though that's not saying very much considering their characters are very shallow to begin with. Lulu is kinda sorta the airhead blonde who ends up falling for a surfer dude named Wayne-O, while Peaches is more of the leader of this trio, and her backstory is that she was gonna get into the film business where some guy was going to give her a big role. The only catch is that he wanted to have sex with her, and, according to Peaches, was also a huge pervert. So she decked him and the guy was going to charge her with assault and battery before she herself got on the run from him. And that's literally the only backstory you actually get from any character in this film, which I'm somewhat surprised by, however, it really doesn't matter very much as it's just focused on these three girls on the run for Mexico.

That said, there is one other set of characters who these women meet quite often, which would be our surfer trio. And oh, dear lord, where do I start with these guys? To put it simply for you, guys, they are all annoying as fuck and so stereo-typically surfer heavy. And what I mean by that is that they speak in surfer accents, and they're also surfers, too, of course. But yeah, Wayne-O's pals are so fucking annoying that I kinda wished they'd all fucking died. Sadly though, they don't. Wayne-O is the only guy who's sorta normal because he's the only one of the three who has something resembling a name. That, and he and Lulu fall in love with each other. The other guys don't have anything like that and are just there to be incredibly annoying. Now, in some fairness, they're not in the movie for too long. If I had to take a summarized guess, I would maybe say they're in for under less than half of the movie. Granted, I'm not totally sure on that. If I ever end up watching this film again, I would have to check to make sure.

So yeah, the writing here is about as weak as you would expect it to be. However, as I said earlier, a lot of these criticisms I have here are gonna be seen as overly trivial, mainly because of the nature of the film itself being really stupid, and I'm pretty sure the filmmakers knew that when they were making this thing. And I have to admit, as much as I could rail on this movie more, such as the acting, which I'll get to in a moment here, I still ended up kind of enjoying it. Now yes, I know I said that earlier, but for those of you who have been taking the time to read these reviews, I love B movies. And while this one is certainly not on the hierarchy scale of my favorite B movies of all time, it still has quite a bit of entertainment value. Which is what I look for in movies mainly, and this one certainly does have that value.

Now, let's get into the acting. The acting here ranges on being pretty bad. Our female cast hams it up quite a bit in this movie and it's either something that you're gonna get use to, or you're gonna flat out hate it. Myself, personally speaking, I like hammy acting, as long as they don't overdue it. And while their acting is still terrible, it's at least tolerable in a so bad, it's good kind of way. There are two other actors I want to make mention of. The first one is David Marsh, who plays the club owner victim known as Joe "Shifty Joe". He turns in the best showing in this entire film even though he's not in it for very long. And the reason why he does the best here is because he basically kinda chews up the scenery in a rather goofy way. Trust me, it's better for you to see if for yourself, if you want to know the details. The other actor I wanted to mention goes by the name of Eddie Deezen. For those of you who don't know, the man is mostly well known for voice acting, though he has had some occasional roles in live-action films and TV. And the thing that makes him unique is that he has a peculiar nerdy voice that makes him sound rather recognizable. The best example I can give is when he voiced the character known as Snipes, AKA the kind of annoying bird from "Rock-a-Doodle". He's in this movie for a very short time as a police officer and his scenes are about less than 5 minutes long. So yeah, I wanted to mention him because I recognized that voice instantly. It's kind of hard to forget.

Overall, guys, the acting here, as I said, isn't really good. That said, I still believe it does enough to where it can be seen as being laughably stupid. So, acting is gonna get a pass here from me. As for other things, well, the costuming here is decent, apart from the rather revealing fruit clothes that Lulu and Peach were wearing during their little dances in the beginning at the night club. And it's not because that it's revealing, it's just more so that it looks kinda goofy and shit. But maybe that's just more of my unfashionable senses talking here. That said, I will also say that the stunt work here involving the chase scenes is not too bad either. So if I can give this movie any genuine positives, I can give it to the stunt work.

Camerawork here is pretty good, although I am gonna say that the picture quality is more on the low side of things. I imagine that this film's quality was taken from a VHS and just ported it over to DVD without really cleaning much of the picture here. Granted, that's been kind of a problem with a lot of the films I have seen from Full Moon that isn't "Puppet Master". However, I will say that at least it's still very watchable, much more so than when I watched "Mutant Hunt", another movie from Full Moon that had some of the worst picture quality I have ever seen from a movie, especially coming from them, seeing as how they uploaded the movie to their YouTube channel, and the quality of that thing looked awful. At least the low quality here looks decent for what it is. It's not perfect, but still better than certain movies I've seen with low picture quality. Lighting here is good. The sound-mixing here is actually pretty good, too. The music, well...the music kinda sucks. There's one song that plays at the beginning of the movie, and it sounded like ass. The other song happens during a montage sequence, and that one also really sucked. So yeah, the music here isn't really that good.

Ultimately, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Assault of the Killer Bimbos"? If you're a fan of B movies, then this one would certainly be worth checking out, if at least just once. If you're not a fan of B movies, however, then there's no way I can say that you'll enjoy it. You can probably just skip it and you wouldn't miss a thing. As for myself, well, I may end up watching this thing again at some point because it sorta has that cheeseball quality to it that I usually enjoy. And again, this movie is not really on my high list of my favorite B movies of all time, but I still did kind of enjoy it enough to where I can hold on to it for my DVD collection. Which, I have to be honest, I looked at the cover originally, and my first thought that it was going to suck. And then I noticed it had Full Moon's logo on it, and seeing as how hadn't covered a Full Moon movie in a long time, I figured it was worth at least checking out and to see if it would make for a decent episode of Reaction & Review. And you know what? I ended up getting that. So at least that's something. Now, speaking of my favorite B movies, I think I'm gonna go and watch "Frankenhooker" again, because the more I watch it, the more that I end up loving it. So, I'm gonna go and do that next once I get done with this review.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Dark Tales of Japan

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a made-for-TV anthology film from 2004. That movie is "Dark Tales of Japan".

And with that phrase alone, I have summarized the entire plot to you guys in a nutshell. It's an anthology film, and it has a few different short stories centered around Japan. Which might be prove to be interesting because I don't believe I've ever covered a live-action anthology film outside of the U.S. The only one I can think of is "Memories" from a few years ago, however, that was one was animated and, much like with this film, it was also from Japan. So this'll technically be the second anthology film I've covered from the Far East.

Now, I'm looking at the back of the DVD case here, and there's about 5 different stories here, along with the titles for all of these short stories. So the good news here is that I don't have to look it up online to figure it out because the back of the DVD case was kind enough to list them. So I can go over certain stories after I'm done watching the movie. Speaking of which, they've also listed each director for these short stories. Sadly, I don't really recognize anybody here, outside of one, who's named Takashi Shimizu. He's the gentlemen who produced the two Japanese "Grudge" movies, along with the American version. I've not seen any of the "Grudge" films, so I can't really comment on them. But he's the only one I recognized, thanks to the credits advertising what films he's made.

So, beyond him, and what I just talked about, I'm going into this film completely blind here. I'm hoping for it to be really decent, however, I'm not sure if will be or not. The only way I'm gonna find out for sure is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Dark Tales of Japan".

3 minutes later

OK, so this Spiderwoman that I'm seeing here is apparently wearing red clothing and has white shoes on her feet. And while I will admit that it does look a little bit creepy when viewed from afar, it doesn't really look scary at all. Just thought I'd mention that.

2 minutes later

Okay, I will admit, that actually does look a little bit creepy there, just seeing more body parts growing from her body. Granted, the effects for it are rather cheap, but I still think it actually looks kinda impressive.

17 minutes later

All right, well, I will say that, while that story was a little bit dull, the ending to it was actually rather creepy. Again, the effects for it are a little bit cheap and goofy-looking, but overall, that story was OK. So, I guess it's on to story number 2.

7 minutes later

So the reason why this guy set up red tape all over his apartment is just so he can get evidence of this woman that he can't see that was always watching him, and most likely killed him, too. Granted, I'm not totally sure so why exactly he needed to use red tape of all things, but then again, I wouldn't even think of that to begin with if someone was always watching me like that.

3 minutes later

Wait, that's it? That's the whole story? That story sucked! At least the first story had something of a decent narrative to it. This one had nothing! Well, I'm certainly hoping the third story's gonna be better. Can only go uphill from here, right?

4 minutes later

OK, I have a question here. So this woman, Mayu, has discovered some kind of symbol on her apartment door, which was covered in blood, and there were also some dead flies on the ground in front of her door. And the next day, this guy, who I guess is suppose to be Fukuda, has a bandaged hand on him, and she immediately suspect that it might've been him who had made all that. How does she know that's it's him, though? Is it because of the bandaged hand? That, to me, isn't really conclusive evidence that he's the one who did that. I just think we might be jumping to conclusions here is all.

9 minutes later

OK, never mind, he *was* responsible for putting all that shit on her apartment door. And just based on what I've been seeing, he apparently has homemade VHS tapes of all the girls that he apparently "cursed", I guess. But wait a minute, how does Mayu's mother know about all this, let alone trying to sacrifice herself to save her daughter from being sacrificed? Am I missing something here, because I'm totally lost here, guys.

4 minutes later

OK, that was genuinely fucking creepy as hell, guys. Just...what the fuck was that thing?!

2 minutes later

O...K, well, that story ended on a rather odd note there. Still, I can't quite get over how creepy that face was. Anyway, I'm hoping the next two stories are worth it, because, so far, this anthology has been a little bit on the uneven side.

8 minutes later

Well, I was totally off on that one, guys. That story was actually worse than the second story. I didn't think that was actually possible, but somehow, this story found a way to suck even harder! I really wasn't expecting that.

7 minutes later

You know what I find a little bit off-putting, guys? It's that the 3 people who have been inside this elevator have not moved an inch from where they've been standing. Even when the guy who entered the elevator with them, they still haven't fucking moved at all. Yes, I understand that there's not much room to move around in an elevator, but I still find that really kind of off-putting, you know what I mean?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Dark Tales of Japan". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. God, where do I even start with this one...? Well, um...I guess I can say that the movie was sorta average. I can't really say that it flat out sucks, but it's in no way amazing either. Like I said earlier, it's mostly ranging on the uneven side, if not just barely reaching on average.

Before I start talking about the movie itself, I actually want to start with something that I normally never talk about when it comes to these reviews. I want to start with the DVD menu system. See, guys, normally, whenever I'm watching an anthology, usually, those films are stitched together in one setting, thus making it a full feature length movie. However, this movie does it's anthology on a different level. Because rather than just going through the stories one by one in a normal setting, it actually brings you back to the DVD menu screen after finishing it's story. Which is a very odd way of doing it because I've never seen an anthology of any sorts do that sort of thing.

Now I normally wouldn't be complaining about this too much, if not for the fact that there seems to be some content missing. See, on the back of the DVD case, it has a synopsis where it describes the movie's supposed framing device of a bus picking up a lone stranger at midnight and she begins to tell her stories in a hushed tone. And none of that is in the actual movie! I checked, just to make sure of this, and it doesn't exist. The only things that are available are the short stories that are actually presented on the DVD menu screen and subtitle settings. The latter wasn't really an issue because I immediately got English subtitles while watching it in it's original Japanese audio. So what happened to the rest of the content that was supposed to be in this movie? I don't know what happened to it. My only theory is that it got cut out from it's original television broadcast in Japan and what was written on the back of the case here is just a misprint of something that was supposed to be in here, but isn't. Now mind you, this entire anthology isn't really that great, but I really hate it when there's content here that's supposed to be in this movie, and yet, for whatever baffling reason, doesn't exist here.

Now...seeing as how I can't talk about the framing device, I may as well just talk about the movie that's actually presented here. And seeing as how I'm talking about an anthology here, I'm gonna have to start off with the weakest story...which is gonna be a little bit of a challenge, because the selection of short stories for this anthology aren't really that great to begin with. If I had to pick the weakest story, it would have go to the fourth story, which is called "Blonde Kwaidon". In it, there's some producer who's supposed to be meeting up with an executive producer in the morning about an audition of sorts. As for our main character himself, he is totally horny for blonde girls, specifically, American blonde girls. And by the end, he has, I guess, hallucinations about a blonde woman, who eventually kills him by the end. It really didn't make any sense at all. And what's really funny about this story is that, for a movie that's called "Dark Tales of Japan", this fourth story does *not* take place in Japan. It takes place in Hollywood, because that's where the setting took place in as we see our main character being driven by taxi while calling out to all of the blonde girls that he sees passing by. Like I said, the story doesn't make any sense, and it's easily weakest story of this entire anthology.

The second weakest story would have to go to "Crevices", the second one. Mainly because the story just feels so rushed that you could classify this one as more of a school fan project than part of an actual anthology. The story itself is only 10 minutes long, and because it's so short, it really doesn't have any time to flesh out any ideas that it may have had. What I could pick out from it is that some guy moves into an apartment after the previous owner disappeared, or as it's revealed later on, he was killed. And we see that immediately upon entering the apartment, there was red tape plastered all over the the place. And at the time, I didn't understand why. Well, part of the reasoning has to do with the film's title. In case you're not aware. the title is in reference to something like narrow openings, which is why you see the guy in the video tape, taping up his apartment with red tape, which is how all of the creepy-looking hands come up and, well, kill their victims, I guess. Again, it really doesn't make much sense. But then again, seeing as how this story didn't have much of a narrative to speak of, I can't really say it's as awful as I had reacted earlier.

As for the best story, well, that's gonna be harder to decide, because I really can't pinpoint one particular story that I liked. "Spiderwoman" was probably the more cohesive story, if not a little bit on the dull side. "The Sacrifice" didn't really make too much sense, and honestly would've worked better as a regular feature length movie, and the last story "Presentiment", while it had an interesting concept, still felt like it didn't really take any full advantage with it's story. All three stories each had their share of flaws that it's really hard for me to pick out which one I liked the most. They all range on just being rather average at best, which is rather disappointing to say, because usually, I can pinpoint one story that I enjoyed from almost any other anthology film that I've seen. Well, except for "Fright House", because that movie was complete shit. This one, though, isn't complete shit, just a little bit disappointing, really.

So yeah, I think that by itself is how I feel about the writing in this anthology. It just feels, well, really uneven. Yeah, I understand that I've been using that word quite a bit in this review, but I really can't think of any other way that I can describe this movie to you guys. Something about it just feels off to me that I can't quite put my finger on. Again, it's not awful by any means, but with how it currently is, along with the missing content, just feels incredibly standard and unfinished to me. Now as for the acting itself, well, it's fine, really. Mind you, this movie doesn't have an English dub, so I gotta go by off what I've got here, and, like I already said, the acting here is fine. I can't say it's great, but it's certainly not bad either. I would say maybe a couple of the actors here sorta hammed it up a bit. But aside from that, the acting here is just fine for what it is.

Special effects in this movie are...OK, at best. Mind you, since this movie was made for TV, don't expect much here, as most of these movies were most likely filmed on a rather low budget. The first story I want to mention, in particular, because that one probably has the cheapest effects out of all 5 stories here. The one that's gonna stick out to you is the CG, which there really isn't a whole lot of here in general, but most of it doesn't appear until the end of the first story and it looks, well, rather cheap and goofy as shit. Which, honestly, I actually didn't mind the effects here being cheap, because they actually have a unique charm to it that helps make the movie stand out a bit from all the others. Not that the effects in the other stories are bad or anything, they're actually halfway decent for low budget standards. But to me, "Spiderwoman" had it best when working with it's low budget effects. Second place would probably have to go to that creepy-looking face in "The Sacrifice" Yeah, guys, I still can't quite get over how creepy that face looked, it really is *that* creepy-looking.

Camerawork here is pretty good, although I did notice something rather odd. See, most of the short films here were shot on video, which I can appreciate, because I feel like that's what also helps make this movie stand out a bit. The only exception to all this is "Blonde Kwaidon", because that was the only story there which was filmed more professionally rather than being shot on video. And while that's all fine and good, it also feels really jarring to see because you had three stories prior to that one being shot on video, and to see this one being filmed with a slightly higher grade camera just looks a little out of place to me. Maybe if this story was the last one I watched instead of the actual fifth one "The Presentiment", I probably would've not minded it as much. However, seeing as how this entire anthology is being presented one at a time via the DVD menu screen, it really makes the viewing on this anthology really an odd viewing experience. At least for me anyways.

So yeah, the camerawork here is mostly fine for what it is. The lighting here is lit perfectly fine. The sound-mix here isn't too bad. The score here I honestly don't remember, because there really isn't a whole lot of music to begin with. So I'm just gonna count it as being unmemorable.

So, with all that said, guys, when it comes down to it, am I able to recommend "Dark Tales of Japan"? Well...if you find it for cheap somewhere on DVD, then sure I can maybe recommend it there. However, just don't expect this as a traditional anthology film. You just have to go through the movies one by one via the DVD menu screen. Granted, I understand it's really strange, but, at the very least, it's quick and easy to access. I still don't like how there's cut content from this film, but it is what it is, for better or for worse. So yeah, unless you find this cheap somewhere on DVD, then you can probably just skip this, unless if you're a big fan of horror movies and you want to see something that's slightly different. For me, though, I'm not gonna be watching this thing again. It's really disappointing to me, and thus, I see no reason for me to keep it for my DVD collection. So with that in mind, I'm gonna go and watch something better. Perhaps maybe I'll just go and rewatch something like "Battle Royale" again. I haven't seen that one in a good long while and I now just got the sudden urge to go and rewatch again after eyeing it in my DVD collection. So I'm gonna go do that next after I get done uploading this review.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Foxy Nudes

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out an OVA from 2004. That OVA is "Foxy Nudes".

Now for those of you who might be new here, and are reading this for the first time, I've covered at least two pornos for this series. The first one was that "Captain Marvel" porno I reviewed a couple of years back and it really sucked. I then covered an OVA known as "The Girl In The Shell", which was borderline unwatchable thanks to it having one of the most poorly produced English dubs I have ever seen. So, we're 0-2 for this genre and I'm considering this OVA to be the last porno anything I ever cover for this series.

And you'd think, what with this thing only being an hour long, that my pain will at least be short and sweet, right? Well, not necessarily, no. See, this OVA has the unfortunate fate of it being distributed by Kitty Media, the same distribution company that also put out "The Girl In The Shell". So already, this thing has a lot going against it, and I haven't even pushed play yet. And the only reason why I'm covering this thing at all is because I bought it at a convention out of morbid curiosity. Mind you, I also bought "The Girl In The Shell" at that same convention, and, well, you already know how that turned out.

So yeah, guys, I have absolutely no faith in this thing even being partially good, and I fear that I'm going to find the same problems that I did when I reviewed "The Girl In The Shell". I hope not, but I'm not giving this one much benefit. The only thing I ask from this thing is to at least be watchable. If it can do that much, than this thing has already done enough for me. However, I won't know for certain if this damn thing is actually watchable, unless I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. I honestly don't really want to, but I'm gonna have to here. So, without further ado, guys, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Foxy Nudes".

2 minutes later

OK, why the hell is this news lady, Etsuko, spreading her legs like that? Furthermore, the cameraman seems to be focusing in on her panties. Mind you, there's not a sex scene going on at the moment, and yet, it's being broadcast worldwide while she's reporting the news normally. I know I probably shouldn't be questioning this sort of thing, what with it being a porno and all, but I still can't help find it to be a little bit strange, you know what I mean?

7 minutes later

So the best way you conduct business with the person you're about to be working with is by giving them oral sex. You know, that honestly doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

5 minutes later

All right, I have a dumb question here. So this guy has taken Mayumi hostage, and apparently, this has been going on for a while now. And outside, there are military personal approaching the apartment and are about to surround the place while the hostage negotiation is going on. Now I kinda understand wanting to bring backup in a hostage situation, but *why* do you need this many personal on standby? I'm asking this, because there's only *one* person taking *one* girl hostage. I could maybe understand if, say, there more than one hostage and hostage taker, but no, it's just one dude taking one girl hostage. I'm just saying it's little bit of an overkill if you ask me.

10 minutes later

Well, this might be a first, guys, but after experiencing two pornos, this is the first where I've seen where he's pissing in her mouth while giving her a blowjob. I would be shocked by this, but I'm honestly not. This is just kinda lame, really.

2 minutes later

So, guys, that was the end of the first episode. And it's just about as stupid as I predicted it was going to be. But, surprisingly, it hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I know that's shocking to hear, but I'll explain why later after I finish the second episode.

5 minutes later

So this idiot actually popped a boner after drinking a ton of booze. I won't even ask if that's possible, because I don't drink booze of any kind. But if it is possible, then I guess you learn something new everyday, don't ya?

5 minutes later

And now he's pushing anal beads up her ass. Again, I would say that this is shocking, but I'm still not surprised by any of it. It's just more stupid than anything else.

9 minutes later

O...K, I was actually not expecting that to happen. At least, not to her anyway. In fact, I don't think I've ever experienced any kind of shooting from a porno anything before. That was definitely something.

The Review

Oh, thank you, god, it's done! Well, guys, that was "Foxy Nudes". Let me shut this stupid thing off here...OK. Now, before I get into this thing, I am gonna say this much about "Foxy Nudes". It's not as horrible as I thought it was going to be. Mind you now, it's still bad, but of the three porno's I've covered for this series, this one is probably the least bad. Which, granted, isn't really saying much, but at least that can be counted as something, right?

Well anyway, let's just dive right into this thing here and try to dissect what I can from this thing. Let's start with the writing. Now, I know it may sound ludicrous to some that I would be talking writing in a porno, because, really, that's not what people, who are into porn, watch it for. They watch it for, well...the sex, really. Nothing else really matters, so it may seem like that I'm just wasting time discussing writing for something that clearly wasn't meant to be taken seriously. I can tell that because this OVA was more intended as a comedy. However, as someone who has covered action films with little to not plot whatsoever, I feel as if I do give porno's the benefit of the doubt, too, because they count as film as much as any other movie does. And as long as they meet the criteria for Reaction & Review, then they totally qualify to be covered. Granted, I don't think I'm gonna be covering anymore porno's for this series anytime soon after this one, but still, the fact I've covered at least three of them means that I've given them a chance. Which is better than me not taking risks on covering them at all.

So now that I have gotten that out of the way, let's actually try to talk about the writing here. I would say the writing borders on being fucking stupid and plotless as shit. Now I will say that, at least when it comes to the first episode, it was actually not as bad as I thought it was. Granted, the whole concept for how we got there is kinda stupid, but at least there was something of a cohesive narrative there. Yes, there were a couple of sex scenes in the first episode, but, even then, they didn't really bring the episode down at all. It was kinda towards the end of the episode where things started to go south after Etsuko and her cameraman break into the apartment to negotiate for Mayumi's freedom. See, it's been noted that this guy is holding the girl, Mayumi, hostage, sometime after he got fired from the victim's Dad's job and he's seeking some kind of personal revenge or something. It's not really clear what kind, unless he meant that he was going to hold the daughter hostage against her own will, I guess.

Well, anyway, once Etsuko apprehends the suspect, she then proposes an idiotic idea. That idea being that Mayumi will play as a victim in which the guy is just going to take advantage of her perilous state. And once it's all over, she is going to allow Mayumi on the network where she will pay her a huge sum of money. What Mayumi does with getting money afterwards is really up in the air. Not that it really matters since, a bit of a spoiler, she ends up getting accidentally shot and killed after a failed shootout happens between the hostage taker and the riot police. I know that may seem like a huge spoiler, but again, this is still a porno after all, and I don't think spoilers involving a porno's story is really going to affect someone's chances of watching this thing, unless they're *really* into the story for some bizarre reasoning.

In terms of characters, the only one I can really talk about is our main character, Etsuko. She's a news reporter and, as I mentioned earlier, she gets involved to do a negotiation with the hostage taker. And I would say that she is probably one of the worst main characters I've ever come across in quite a long time. Mainly because, she's just doing all this, mainly to get a high news rating. That's it. She really doesn't do anything, other than give Mayumi instructions on how this whole hostage thing will play out, while Etsuko herself will report what's going on in front of her. Now in any normal situation, Etsuko would probably do the morally right thing and try to save her friend from this fucking psycho that's continuously raping her. And she did, too, at one point, and lets him know that she has a black belt in karate. Which, if she has that, why not just take down the hostage taker and knock him out? Now I obviously know why she didn't do this, but if I were to put logic into this situation, then it would make the most sense to me.

So yeah, guys, the writing in this OVA is a complete joke. Nothing about it makes any sense, and trying to put logic into a two episode OVA that never takes itself seriously is like trying to combine peanut butter and oil grease together. It just doesn't work that way. Now, before I get into the English dub itself, I am gonna give this dub one positive. At least all of the lines are synced properly. And to give you guys a bit of context, the last time I covered a porno was back when I reviewed "The Girl In The Shell". And in that OVA, it had an English dub that was so amateurishly bad that over half the dub's dialogue didn't match the mouth flaps of the characters that were talking. It really was that bad. At least here, however, the dialogue mostly matches with the characters mouth flaps. Which, you know what? As bad as this dub is, the fact that they were able to get this much right makes this thing infinitely better than "The Girl In The Shell" by a long mile.

Now, as for the actual dub itself, well, it's not really good. For some reason, and it may just be me, Etsuko's English voice actress sounds like Jennifer Tilly, if Jennifer Tilly's acting didn't go anywhere without "Family Guy". I swear that's what she sounds like, guys, and she sounds terrible. The rest of the acting ranges from sounding hammy and over the top. I almost want to say that this dub ranges on being so bad it's laughable. So hey, if you're really in the mood to watch something that's out of your element, then this could be decent riffing material for you. Other than that, this dub here is terrible. And if you seriously have to watch this thing on any physical format, then at least this thing offers an option to where you could watch the subtitled version with it's original Japanese audio.

Art-style and animation here is decent for what it is. However, I can't help but feel that this looks like it was made on the cheap side. Granted, I understand this thing was made in 2004, so I wasn't expecting high quality when it came to it's animation, but this honestly feels like something that could've been made in 1994 rather than 2004. It just looks sorta off to me. Mind you now, the animation here isn't really bad, as most of everything here is animated pretty well. But aside from that, however, the animation and it's art-style is really nothing to write home about.

Sound-mixing here is decent for what it is. The score here is also really nothing to remember this OVA by. Admittedly, the song that plays over the ending credits for each episode isn't too bad. So that's at least one decent song out of an unmemorable score.

But really, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Foxy Nudes"? Only if you are a fan of this kind of genre. If you are one of those people that likes watching animated porn, then sure, I could maybe recommend it to those people there. Aside from that, though, I personally would not recommend this thing to anyone else. This OVA really kinda sucked. Mind you, it's not exactly the worst thing that I've ever seen. And in the case of porno's, the worst is probably gonna be staying with "The Girl In The Shell". But still, it's not something I could recommend to almost anybody, outside of those people that are into animated porno's or porn in general. But for me, I've had more than enough of watching and covering porn for this series, so I'm officially putting a ban on all porno's for this series. Now unless something comes around in which I may be tempted to lift that ban, I'm not gonna be covering any more porn for this series. Besides, after coming 0-3 with these things, I don't see anything else coming along and improving that score in a good way. So now, I'm gonna go and watch something else. I don't know what, exactly, I just want to watch something better right now. Perhaps maybe I'll watch something like "Pale Rider", because I haven't seen that film in a good long while. So I may as well go do that after having dealt with this OVA.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.