Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out a fantasy film from 1984. That movie is "Conan The Destroyer".
Now, at the beginning of this marathon, I reviewed the first, and only other, Conan movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I wound up being rather surprised by how good it was. I seriously was not expecting to like it as much as I did, but I still ended up liking it quite a bit.
Which now leads us into it's only other sequel, which is what I'm gonna be watching tonight. And this one is sort of a polar opposite here. Where with the first movie, people had a lot of positives things to say about it. This one, however, not a lot of people seem to have liked very much. Now, I'm not totally sure as to why that is, but hey, that's what I'm here to find out.
So, I'm hoping for this thing to somehow surprise me, like the first movie did. However, I could end up being disappointed by it as well, seeing as how many other people seemed to have not liked this movie as much. But the only way I'm gonna find out if this movie is good or bad at all, is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Conan The Destroyer".
6 minutes later
So, guys, for the second straight time, Conan has just punched another animal in the face. And instead of being drunk like he was in the previous movie, this time, he actually punched a horse to knock the rider off of it, while completely being completely sober. Gotta say, it's still really funny to see. Granted, it's more of just rehash of a joke they've already did, but still really funny.
5 minutes later
You know, I didn't really know how much continuity was gonna carry over into this movie, but the fact that they brought back the camel, who Conan, who I should mention by the way, just punched the camel *again* here, is honestly kind of an interesting touch there. Granted, I don't really know how his merchant friend knows about the camel, but still, it is interesting to say the least.
19 minutes later
So...I'm not totally sure what this bird creature is suppose to be that this king turned into a moment ago. But I will say that the effects for it look really cool. Almost like if it was hand-drawn or something.
20 minutes later
You know, guys, this movie started off kinda interesting, but now, it's starting to get a little bit dull. I see that there's tons of action going on right now, but I'm honestly not finding much of a reason to invest myself in it. I'm hoping, maybe, that the film will pick itself up sooner rather than later, but I'm not totally sure if it will or not.
7 minutes later
You know, guys, out of all the things I was expecting from this movie, a drunk Conan teaching this princess how to use a sword is not one of them. I mean, granted, I could totally see Conan being drunk and all, but teaching someone how to fight with a sword, while being drunk, is totally not what I was expecting.
9 minutes later
OK, I have a really dumb question here, but I really want to ask it. So, this is the second time that Malak has taken some kind of jewelry and such, and he just completely swallowed it inside his mouth. Is that, like, a thing thieves did during the fantasy age? I know it's probably not worth looking into, but I don't really think that's very healthy, or wise for that matter, to swallow something that is completely made up of some kind of stone. Just thought I'd ask it, because it's really starting to bug me a little bit.
20 minutes later
You know what, guys, I'm just gonna say this right now, I'm kinda happy that the movie is almost over. It's honestly been starting to drag now and I've been losing more interest as the movie goes on. Just wanted to share that with you guys now, so that way I'll have more to talk about when the movie is actually finished.
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Conan The Destroyer". And uh...yeah, that was "Conan The Destroyer". Let me go ahead and shut the film off here...OK. Good lord, where to start with this one? Well, I guess I should answer this question first, even though it's completely obvious as to what my answer is on it. Is this movie as good or even better than than the first one? No. Not even remotely close. This movie is just a fucking disappointment and a half, and that's honestly the best way I can phrase it. Just...good god, this movie really sucked.
Why don't we just get right into this here and first talk about the writing. And I first want to start with the movie's tone. And just to let you guys know, I'm gonna be comparing a lot of this to the first movie. Just bare that in mind as I go through with this. Now, if you'll recall, the first movie had a lot of dark fantasy elements to it. Which was Conan is mostly known for. But at the same time, the movie was also able to dish out a lot of character and lore to Conan, which made it a lot more interesting to watch. And also, the movie was able to balance out the darker moments with a hint of some of it's quieter, and, sometimes, lighter moments. Which was also really well done. Basically, guys, that movie had the perfect balance of setting it's tone. And it was great stuff, which made the film really unique in it's own way.
Which is why I can't say the same thing about this movie. This movie goes in, almost, the entire direction and tries to aim for more humor. Which, while there was some semblances of humor in the first movie, it didn't completely overshadow the overall tone of it either. This movie, on the other hand, tries to go for more jokes. Which, I probably would've been open to that, if any of the jokes were actually funny. The worst of these moments comes from Malak, one of Conan's allies in this movie. I'll get more in depth on him in a moment, but to summarize, guys, everything he says when it comes to jokes is unfunny as shit. The only bits of humor I was able to get a laugh out of is when Conan punches a horse in the face. And well, the camel, too, as it makes a brief return here. Yeah, it was more or less a rehash from the first movie, but it was still the only thing that made me genuinely laugh. I wanted to include the bit where Conan got drunk during one scene, but I honestly didn't find it all that funny. It was slightly amusing, sure, but it didn't really get me to laugh at all.
As for the story itself, well, guys, it is essentially a basic, by the numbers fantasy movie. Where it's really not trying anything new or different in it's fantasy setting, and is ultimately just playing it safe. And in most cases, I would be fine with that. Because, you know, that's just how a lot of fantasy movies play out. And admittedly, the first movie was sorta like that, too. However, what made the first movie interesting was the character dynamics and the depth that they all had. Mostly Conan, sure, but the characters were all very interesting. This movie, however, doesn't have any interesting characters. And that, unfortunately, applies to Conan, too. Conan in this movie feels a little bit watered down here. Not for the violence, mind you, that's still there with him. But as like a character, he really doesn't show any signs of advancements here. Most of that was done in the first movie, and this one doesn't really do anything to enhance him in any way. And the worst part about this is that, by the end of the movie, it's told through Mako's character that Conan eventually did get his own kingdom and wife, which also teased for another sequel. And spoiler alert, that third sequel never happens. So, to end it in this fashion is a huge slap in the face to Conan, because he's never gonna get that "true" ending that they were going for. If anything, that first movie gave him the proper ending that he already had. At least, to me, it did.
Now I've talked a lot about Conan and how his character has been downgraded, but what about the other characters? Are they any better to carry this movie? Well...no, they aren't. Almost all of our characters here feel very flat and lifeless, with the one exception being Mako's wizard character, since he's the only one, outside of Arnold, who reprises his role for this movie. The new characters that join him don't really add anything new or interesting to the cause. Zula is some female warrior that has no real character to her outside of her being a fighter. Whoopie. And as for Malak...oh good lord, Malak...I don't know what Conan saw in this guy, but he is easily the *worst* character in this entire movie. Basically, guys, he's this movie's comic relief character. And I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you, guys, I mostly despise comic-relief characters, and, very rarely, do I ever like any of them. And for a movie about Conan the Barbarian, there was no need to include that kind of thing in here. I mean, could you imagine Malak being in the first movie? I could just imagine that he'd be in it and fucking ruining the tension because it would've made that first movie worse if he *was* in it. And this movie proves that his character had no reason to exist here. Especially since he goes back and forth about not continuing on Conan's adventure when it gets more dangerous.
So yeah, guys, it goes without saying that the writing in this thing is a massive downgrade, especially when compared to the first movie. By itself, it's just a basic fantasy movie that ultimately plays itself safe, along with no interesting characters to back it up. And as for the acting, well honestly, most of the acting was actually pretty good. I'm even going to include Arnold here because, even though his character suffered a downgrade, the acting from him was still rather tolerable, especially given the script that he was forced to work with. The worst actor, though, by far, would have to be Tracey Walter as Malak. Not surprising, honestly, considering that his character was given some of the worst dialogue that he had to work with. And he phoned it in as a result. There was no point in this movie where he turned in a good showing, and it makes me wonder why they couldn't get back the guy who played the thief, who first befriended Arnold, from the first movie? I don't know, but since he doesn't come back here, you're stuck with a character with horrible dialogue, along with terrible acting to boot. Now aside from him, the rest of the acting is perfectly fine, since they were able to work with what they were given. But Tracey Walter's acting is what definitely brings this movie down the most.
Special effects in this movie are pretty good, from the blood effects, to the animation involving the bird, that stuff looked great. The costuming, though, I do have to comment on one thing. See, there's a moment in the movie where Arnold has to fight this monster in a room filled with mirrors. And the suit-work on the monster is ridiculously fake. Like, I'm talking about how cheap this costume really looks. The face looks OK, until you notice it up close when you realize it's just a cheap-looking mask. And the rest of the body is a mixture of scales and a human. And I don't know if that was done deliberately or if that was just a case of terrible costuming, but either way, the suit-work on that monster looked terrible. The one that they show later towards the end of the movie looked really cool, though, so there is that. But that first one you see will look noticeably fake and terrible.
Camerawork here is pretty good for the most part. Lighting here is also pretty good for the most part. The sound-mix is mixed fine. The music is, honestly, one of the only things that is consistently good from the first movie to this one. Why? Because it's done by Basil Poleouris, the same guy who did the music for the first movie. Mind you, it's nowhere near as good as the first movie's score was, but it's still pretty good for what it is. So I can at least give the movie that much.
But aside from that, guys, there's not much else I can really say about this movie. So, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Conan The Destroyer"? No. I honestly can't do that, because this movie fails to deliver as a sequel. And even by it's own standards, it's a really boring, by the numbers fantasy movie. Which is funny to me anyway, because this movie came out during a decade where fantasy movies were a huge thing in the 80's. But this movie really doesn't age all that well, when compared to most of the ones that came out during that time. If you guys seriously need to watch a movie about Conan the Barbarian, though, just stick with the first one and you can pretend that the sequel doesn't exist. You're better off not seeing this thing, since the movie doesn't really have a lot of things worth rewatching for again. Speaking of which, though, I'm probably just gonna go and rewatch the first one again, because I genuinely really liked it enough and this thing kinda made me want to remind myself how good Conan had it back then. So yeah, that's what I'm probably gonna go do next once I get this review done and typed up.
Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.
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