Reaction & Review | Mr. Nanny

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out a family film from 1993. That movie is "Mr. Nanny".

Now when I decided to do this little tradition where I cover a movie starring Hulk Hogan every year in the month of July, I knew there was one movie of his that I was kinda dreading on watching. This is *that* movie. Yeah, I'm not gonna beat around the bush guys when I say that I am dreading watching this movie.

Now some of you who may have never heard of this thing might be asking why? Well, it's not because he's dressed up in a tutu for whatever baffling reason. I'm sure there is some story-driven reason as to why he's wearing a tutu, as unlikely as that may seem. No, the thing I'm dreading most about this movie is it's plot. The plot to this thing is about a former pro wrestler who's been assigned as a bodyguard to look after these two kids. Why? I don't know. I'm sure, again, there's some legitimate reason as to why he's looking after a couple of kids. And apparently, "hilarity" ensues between him and the kids.

Yeah, as you might've surmised, this plot sounds fucking stupid, and honest to god terrible. And the thing that makes this thing already looking worse is that there was another movie that attempted this sort of plot. That movie was called "The Pacifier". You know, the 2005 movie where Vin Diesel, who plays a secret agent in that thing, was assigned to look after a family and a bunch of annoying bratty kids, and again, "hilarity" supposedly ensues between him and this family. And just to let you guys know, "The Pacifier" really sucked. So you'll forgive me if I'm going into this one with very low expectations.

Now who knows? Maybe, in some deep dark part of the Shadow Realm, this movie might actually end up being watchable. Not good, mind you, just watchable. And I also know this movie was put out by New Line Cinema. The same studio that also put out "Suburban Commando". And I enjoyed "Suburban Commando" for all of it's cheesiness. So there is a very slim chance that this movie could also have the same charm that "Suburban Commando" had. And now that I've typed that, I have a strong feeling that that statement is going to bite me in the ass hard. But hey, who knows? I really won't know for sure how this movie is gonna sway for me unless I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Mr. Nanny".

1 minute later

So, guys, this movie's starting off with Hulk Hogan being beaten down by wrestlers from the WWF days. Let's see, I recognize Kamala, George "The Animal" Steele, Jim Neidhart...not sure who the wrestler is in the zebra gear. I'm not really familiar with him. Anyway, what I find sorta funny about all this is that that they're beating up Hogan and I can't help but feel some, if not all of them, had some sort of heat with Hogan for real for basically playing backstage politics. At least that's the theory I'm going with, anyways. But regardless, it is pretty cool that we get to see them as cameos in this movie, so that's always awesome.

7 minutes later

OK, what the hell just blew up in Mr. Mason's desk? Seriously, what the hell was that?! If it was like a fake bomb or something, then there is no reason for that to be in his desk! Just, what the hell, man?!

19 minutes later

So, guys, I'm gonna ask this, even though it is still kinda early in the movie. This thing is suppose to be a comedy, right? So when the hell does it start to get funny? Seriously, I want to know this. We're almost a half an hour into the movie and I haven't even laughed once yet. That's kind of a bad sign when your comedy fails to make you laugh. I'm hoping maybe it'll get funny sooner rather than later, but somehow, I kinda doubt it.

17 minutes later

You know what's worse, guys? It's one thing for a comedy to not make you laugh. It's a whole another thing when it starts to get boring. I mean it, guys, this thing is becoming boring as shit. I'm struggling to stay the fuck awake because this film is beginning to put me to sleep. That's how bad this movie is becoming, and I fear it's only going to get even worse from here.

2 minutes later

OK, you know what? I didn't think it was gonna be possible, but this movie actually got me to laugh. In which the little girl tries to get Sean Armstrong to sing, only to tell her that she has a terrible singing voice. At least that's *one* decent joke that they've told so far. So I gotta give this movie that much.

8 minutes later

Guys, I've just found a continuity error. A moment ago, Burt said that he took a bullet for Sean Armstrong back in the day, which grazed his knee and also caused an artery to pop, which also caused blood to fly into the air. Well, guess what? We're getting a flashback to that incident, and I didn't see *any* blood going into the air. And yes, I know it's a very stupid continuity error that I'm bringing up, and it's also possible that Burt was just over-exaggerating it anyways, but it's still something that I wanted to bring up because I'm kind of a sad bastard who likes to over-analyze those nitpicky details sometimes.

8 minutes later

So, guys, do you remember when I brought up Hulk Hogan being dressed up in a tutu? Well, now I know the whole thing in context and...yeah, it's about as stupid and predictable as you can imagine it to be. This is kinda painful to watch.

12 minutes later

OK, that's something new. I've never seen anyone use an AK-47 to shoot their bindings off from their wrists with their toes. That's definitely unique, I gotta say.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Mr. Nanny". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. Dear sweet Jesus, where do I begin with this thing? Well, I may as well answer a couple of questions right off the bat here. Is this movie bad? Oh definitely, yes. This movie sucks. Is this as stupid as I imagined it would be? Oh yeah, it totally is. Is this the worst movie I've seen all year? Oh hell no, not even remotely close. I've seen far, *far* worse for this series. The final question I'm gonna answer: Is this Hulk Hogan's worst movie? Honestly...it's kind of a tough call. I'd almost say yes...however, I can't quite say that. So far, in my opinion, the worst film I've seen starring him was "Shadow Warriors 2: Assault On Death Mountain". Mainly because that movie was so boring and plotless that I couldn't produce any kind of real reactions towards that movie. At least this one got me more material to work with, all things considered. But that still doesn't stop it from being a really bad movie.

So, with that overly long introduction out of the way, let's finally get into this thing. I'm gonna start with writing. And really, guys, there's almost no plot here to speak of. The only bits of story we get out of it is that Hulk Hogan's character, Sean Armstrong, is a former pro wrestler who's being hired as a bodyguard by Mr. Mason to watch over his two kids, while Mason tries to protect this microchip, which has all the data for something called the Peacefinder Project. Which is essentially just an anti-missile that can bring down any other missiles from blowing other countries up. And our villain, Thanatos, wants the microchip for himself simply because he's evil. I would be exaggerating that, but his first line of dialogue in the movie was basically him admitting that he's an evil psychopathic genius, or something like that. But yeah, Mr. Mason tries to keep it out of his hands while Sean Armstrong is busy being assaulted by the kids with their fucking "Home Alone" traps to get rid of him.

And right off the bat, I have to talk about the movie's attempt at humor. It's obvious that the filmmakers of this movie were inspired by "Home Alone", so the main gimmick in this movie is it's physical humor. However, unlike "Home Alone", where the traps there were kinda sorta creative and not completely over-the-top, this movie tries a little too hard into making all these wacky antics as funny as possible. For example, you have Armstrong being electrocuted, or whenever he's using the exercise bike, the kids try to manipulate by using some kind of gadget where they make it go really fast, or when they use the weights to try and smother Armstrong with it. The movie tries all of these antics, and none of it is funny. I didn't laugh at a single thing these kids did to Sean Armstrong. In fact, it kinda reinforces my own personal bias, because I don't like kids, and this movie obviously didn't change that at all. The only laugh I got out of it was, again, when Armstrong tells Kate that her singing voice is terrible. And that was only because it kinda came out of nowhere. So that's part of the reason why I got a laugh out of it.

But aside from that, guys, the humor here is mostly a misfire. And while I'm on the subject, let's talk about the two troublemaker kids next. Because, as I was watching the movie, I had to wonder *why* they even hate nannies to begin with? My theory is that because their Mom died early on, and they just get rid of nannies because none of them would be able to replace her. However, I also have to remember that there's a cook there, too, and she's stuck it out, despite all their antics. So, I don't know if it's just a pick and choose thing, or if it's just because they do it because they're bratty little kids. I don't know. I would also add their father, Mr. Mason, who's also away on business all the time and he *never* disciplines these kids once. And what's funny about this is that when Armstrong confronts him about this, Mason whines that it's difficult to raise two kids alone. And while Armstrong sympathizes about the Mom's death, he says to him that if he can't give what his kids want, then he should get rid of them. And honestly, I wholeheartedly agree with that. Not just because of my own bias against kids, but more so on getting rid of them to live with any of their relatives. Especially if the jobs too hard for him. Now it's possible that they may not have any relatives to look after them, but the idea is certainly still there.

So yeah, the writing in this movie is pretty terrible, especially if you try to put in that kind of logic into a family film. However, since I just mentioned that, it's obvious that this movie isn't really trying to aim to be psychological anyways. So that point is sorta moot, but that still doesn't excuse the rest of the writing here to really suck. Now I will say that, despite the questionably bad writing, the acting here is surprisingly halfway decent. And I'm even going to include the two child actors for this movie. They did a pretty decent job for the material that they were given. The weakest actor would, unsurprisingly, have to be Hulk Hogan. However, I will say that, when compared to "Shadow Warriors 2" and "Goldie and the Bears", this is a step above those movies. Just not by much, mind you. The hammiest actor, by far, would have to go to our villain of the movie, Thanatos, who is played by David Johansen. This guy hams up his performance in this movie so much that it kinda makes him stand out as the best actor in the movie, at least, again, in terms of his hammy acting. And while it's never gonna be on the levels of William Shatner, when he does hammy acting, it's still really hilarious on it's own standards. So, I have to give David Johansen a lot of props for trying to make his obviously evil character work.

Special effects in this movie are kinda on the same par with "Suburban Commando". Which makes sense, considering that both movies were put out by the same studio. Most of the CG in this movie comes from the electricity, and it's pretty standard stuff there. The make-up effects for Hogan during the pool scene was the only one that stood out at me the most, and it was decent, I suppose. I would mention costuming as well, however, that would then lead me into mentioning Hogan wearing a tutu and, well...the less said about that, the better. So yeah, special effects, overall, are kinda average at best.

Camerawork here is pretty good. Lighting here is lit perfectly fine. The sound-mix here is mixed pretty good. Music here is OK, although I will admit that I don't recognize any of the songs in this movie. Part of me wants to assume that they're original songs made for the movie, however, I don't really know if that's the case or not. And to be honest, I don't really care either way. It's mostly just forgettable, at least for me it is.

Ultimately, guys, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Mr. Nanny"? Personally speaking, no. And that's mainly because of my disdain for children. However, if you're somebody who's really curious about this sort of thing, and if you, for whatever reason, want to show this to kids, you might find something more our of it than I did. Just don't expect very much here. As I said, the movie's boring as shit and the comedy here doesn't land at all, save for one joke that I personally found funny. I mean, if you really want to see a better film from Hulk Hogan, go watch "Suburban Commando". It's not exactly a good film either, but at least it's a little more creative and funny than this thing is. In fact, I kinda want to watch "Suburban Commando" right now. seeing as how I'm mentioning it here. So you know what? I'm gonna go watch that next as soon as I get done with this review. And I'll certainly be more entertained by it than this boring thing by a mile.

So anyway, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Left for Dead

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a Western horror film from 2007. That movie is "Left for Dead".

Now, I don't really know a whole lot about this movie, other than that it's a western horror movie. Which, interestingly enough, I don't think I've ever seen a Western horror movie before ever. I've seen Westerns that delve into heavy drama at times, but never have I seen this genre go into horror before. So, this ought to be interesting to see here.

Now the only other thing that I know about this movie is it's director, who goes by the name of Albert Pyun. And I've covered two of his films for this series. The first one was "Arcade", which I covered way back in the lead up to my 100th episode at the time. And I quite enjoyed it, despite it's flaws. And the other film that I reviewed from him is something that I didn't even know he directed until I looked up his entire filmography in preparation for this review. That movie was the "Captain America" film from 1990. Which surprised me honestly because, again, I didn't even know that he directed that thing to begin with. And much like with "Arcade", I did kinda enjoy it, despite it's flaws.

So, the man knows, well *knew* how to make interesting movies before sadly passing away in 2022. But setting his passing aside, I'm hoping for this movie to continue the legacy he had in making interesting movies. I don't know if it's gonna be any good, but I'm hoping to find out for myself. So, without further ado, it is time to kick back, relax, and check out "Left for Dead".

15 minutes later

OK, I have to ask this. Why is this alleged rapist the only one who has subtitles, despite the fact that he speaks perfect English? I really don't understand that, especially considering these guys that are chasing after him also speak perfectly fine English too. So why bother with subtitles at all? It just doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to me.

19 minutes later

Wait, why do these women have Clementine bound in chains? I thought she was with them to search for Sentenza. So, why is it then do they have her in chains? I'm gonna be honest, guys, this movie's beginning to not make sense. Mind you, I'm still interested to see where this movie's going, I just want it to make some sense is all.

15 minutes later

Guys, I really wish this movie would make up it's mind on whether or not Blake should speak English or Spanish. I swear to God, guys, this movie is just flip-flopping back and forth between Blake speaking English and then speaking Spanish along with English subtitles. Pick a language for him and stick with it! Because this is starting to get old, really quick.

16 minutes later

You know what's really sad, guys? Barring the shoddy-looking CG, almost everything else apart from the story is actually pretty good for what it is. Mind you, it isn't great, but I can see that there is effort put into it. I just wish the writing was more interesting, but sadly, it really hasn't improved at all. In fact, I'm actually getting a little bit bored with this movie. And that itself is also really fucking sad when you think about it.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Left for Dead". I'm gonna go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. Wow, um...where the hell do I even begin with this...? Well, I suppose I can start by saying that I really wanted to like this movie. I really did. I mean, it's a Western film, and most of those do turn out to be pretty good. At least, to me, they do, because it's a genre that I grew up on thanks to my Dad. And I was hoping that this movie, knowing that it was also a horror film, I wanted to really like it. And, in the end, I just wound up being really disappointed by it.

So, I'm gonna start this off by talking about one of the biggest problems, if not *the* biggest problem with this movie as a whole: the writing. I am gonna say that this movie started off really promising with it's plot. Where 15 years ago, this priest, who's later named Mobius, ends up getting a woman pregnant, which in turn makes these group of whores end up killing everyone in town. And I mean every man, woman, and child. Which they then kill the woman that the priest hooked up with and also caused her to get an abortion in a rather sick, and disgusting way. It's where they also kill the priest, who ends up becoming a vengeful spirit after dying, and then gets his revenge against the whores who killed his spouse and unborn baby. Basically, guys, he's a cowboy version of Ghost Rider.

And on the flipside of all this, we have our main character, Clementine, who's out for vengeance against someone named Sentenza, who left her along with their infant child all by themselves. And she's not alone on this journey, because there's also another group prostitutes who are after Sentenza, when one of them got raped and impregnated by Sentenza. What's strange about this though is that the impregnated prostitute claims that it wasn't rape since, apparently, she told him to do whatever he wanted to do to her. I don't know why, but honestly, I'm not going to question that kind of logic. Believe me, that is the least of this movie's writing problems.

Before I go more into what I disliked about the writing, I am gonna say this much. The beginning of the movie and it's ending, is actually the most interesting parts about the movie. As I already mentioned a moment ago, Mobius, ends up becoming a vengeful spirit by killing all the whores who were involved in the killing of his spouse and unborn child. Now admittedly, what sorta ruins it a bit is the fact that most of it was done in text, meaning that they mostly tell you what happens, while we get a few very short clips of how it all went down. It sorta cheapens the experience a little bit, but honestly, I'm able to overlook it, because the opening still caught my interest. And as for the ending, without trying to spoil it, ends in a rather dark fashion. Granted, I know that the movie is a horror film, but towards the end of it, it is a really dark scene. That, to me, was totally worth it to sit through the whole movie for.

And on that note, that brings me into the biggest problem with the writing as a whole. The middle portion of the movie is where the whole thing falls apart. One big reason is simply because it's boring as shit. I was trying to stay the fuck awake for most of it because the story was just going nowhere. Not only that, but it started to become convoluted the moment that I saw Clementine in chains. Which, again, makes no sense because she was with these prostitutes to hunt down Sentenza. And when I saw her in chains, I honestly had no idea why she was like that. The only thing I can think of is that they found out that Blake, her former husband, was the one who ran off and they believe that he impregnated one of their girls, Michelle, and that they're slowly torturing him to death by impaling the side of his body with a meat hook, just so they can get him to admit that he raped her. Which still doesn't really make any sense because I don't recall him ever being this Sentenza guy. I mean, it's possible that he might've been, but because this made no sense to me, I just kinda rolled with it since nothing else about it made no sense whatsoever.

As for the characters, well, I would *love* to tell you that the characters in this movie are deep and are worth caring for, but honestly, I can't. The only two exceptions to this are Clementine, and that's mainly because of her actress that made her character stand out a little bit more. Her actual character is a little bit one-notish, but it is understandable storywise. And the other character that is worth mentioning is Mobius, who I've already mentioned his backstory a couple of times already. In fact, thinking about it now, if this story had been focused more on Mobius getting his revenge on the prostitutes that killed his girl, I would've enjoyed it a lot more. Because then, the movie could've turned into a Western horror revenge flick. That would've been much better than the story we got here. Again, the premise that is here sounds really cool, and the beginning and ending of it is totally worth watching. But it's the middle that ruins it entirely because it's bullshit nonsense, plus the padding too, since this movie does crawl to a screeching halt the moment the middle portion rears it's ugly head.

So yeah, guys, the writing here is just a massive disappointment. What could've been sounded better than what we already had. Now, despite all that, the acting here is really solid. The best actress by default has to go to Victoria Maurette as Clementine Templeton. She is great here. Her character is, again, a little bit on the shallow side, but her acting is what makes her performance stand out tremendously. She is great here. The rest of the cast is pretty good too. They're not as standout as Victoria Maurette was, but they still do a good job with their given roles.

Special effects in this movie are mostly terrible. Now yes, I totally understand that this is a very low budget movie, but I still have to call it out. The CG in this movie is horrendous. Most of it used for stuff like gunshots, especially against Mobius. Because whenever you see any part of his body shot out, it looks as if it was almost chroma-keyed. However, I can't quite use that excuse here, because this movie was shot on location in Argentina. So, they had to use some original CG for it, but it still looks terrible. Also, for no real reason at all, there's a CG rendered skull that's used in the final shot of the movie and it also looks horrible, too. The only thing that looks sorta decent are the blood and gore effects, because they're done practically. They actually look pretty cool. Especially that one scene I mentioned earlier in regards to Mobius's backstory. I won't mention it in graphic detail, but the effects for it still look really good for the intention of it's scene. So overall, the CG is terrible, but the practical effects are pretty good.

I want to touch upon editing for a moment. Because there's something about this movie that really kinda irked me a bit. And that is the over usage of freeze frames. In case you don't know, freeze frames are used whenever a movie freezes on a still frame. There are so many of them in this movie that you could literally turn it into a drinking game. If you ever get a chance to watch this movie, take a shot every single time that a freeze frame is used in this movie. I guarantee you that by the time this movie ends, you will be totally wasted. It really is that obnoxious. Now, I probably wouldn't have been bothered by this if they did this maybe once or twice, but when you go over that count, it starts to show a problem in which it's all style, no substance. And also, it ties in back to the padding issue I mentioned a moment ago. Since there are so many freeze frame shots, it brings the movie down some to a screeching halt, and they really could've cut back on these particular shots. So yeah, the editing in this movie is pretty shit.

Camerawork here, minus the shitty editing, is pretty good. The lighting here lit perfectly fine. But then again, most of this movie was filmed outdoors, and on location, so it's to be expected. Sound-mix here is mostly decent, but there were a couple of scenes where some of the sound quality, whenever an actor is speaking their dialogue, sounded a bit quiet. Those could've been fined-tuned a bit. The music here is actually pretty good. It totally fits the atmosphere and mood of this movie, and for a Western, it works very well here. So, I'm gonna give the music here a definite positive.

But unfortunately, the negatives outweigh the positives here. So with that, can I recommend "Left for Dead"? Unfortunately no, I can't. This movie is just a massive disappointment. And that's coming from someone who grew up on Westerns. This movie could've been amazing, but with a script this convoluted and terrible, there's no way I can recommend this thing to you guys. Had the middle portion of the movie been written better, or they would've gone with my suggestion, it could've potentially been great. But as is, it's just not a very good movie. Now, it's not the worst thing I've seen, especially for this year, but it's still very lackluster. So sadly, I cannot recommend it to anybody, unless if you have a morbid curiosity like I did. So yeah...this movie...god, this thing could've been great. But you know what? I still have a lot of other Western movies to satisfy me. Perhaps I'll maybe go and watch something like "McLintock!", cause I love that movie to pieces. So I'm probably gonna go do that next once I get done with this review.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Uncle Sam

Happy late Independence Day, guys, and welcome to an all new Reaction & Review. Yeah, I know the 4th of July has kinda passed already, but I still want to celebrate the anniversary of our great nation by covering something that's rather festive for this time of year. And I found the perfect movie for that celebration. It is a horror comedy from 1996. That movie is "Uncle Sam".

Now the premise to this movie is pretty simple. Some guy who's dressed up like Uncle Sam, goes on a killing spree against anyone that's unpatriotic. At least, that's what I'm going to assume from the little information that I looked up in preparation for this movie. Anything beyond that, I don't know of, content wise. I know of only one person that stars in this movie, and that person is Isaac Hayes. What role he plays exactly is, again, something I don't know of at this time.

But that's what I'm here to find out. I'm gonna find out if this movie is any good at all. I'm also hoping for it to be really funny, too. But the only way I'm gonna find all that out is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Uncle Sam".

3 minutes later

OK, I have to ask this. Now, I've heard of sniper rifle bullets going through more than one body at a time, but are handguns able to do that as well? Because Sam Harper grabbed one of the soldier's live body, and shot him through the stomach multiple times, and they're *also* able to go through the colonel's body from quite a distance to where he was standing. I admit, I don't own a handgun myself, but I'm really curious to see if it's possible that anyone could actually pull that off. I'm quite curious about that.

8 minutes later

All right, I know this is a minor point and all, but I find it really sorta douchey to let a loved one know that right after someone they were close to has died in the war, he immediately says that she'll get over this in due time. I understand that this high-ranking solder or colonel or whatever was trying to console her in his own way, but it still comes across as rather douchey and mean-spirited to me, you know what I mean?

7 minutes later

Hold up, something just came to me. So, Jody's attending school...in July? I know this, because the opening scene after the prologue is suppose to take place on the night of July 1st. And I'm going to assume this is the next day, meaning that it's now July 2nd. So, does that mean then that Jody is attending Summer School or something? I'm really curious about this, guys, because I really can't think of any other explanation that would make any sense about this.

8 minutes later

OK, I need to ask this, because this is starting to bother me slightly. Now, I admit, I don't exactly know what Jody's age is suppose to be in this movie. I'm just going to assume he's either suppose to be 9 or 10 years old here. And if that's the case, why is it that he's talking like he's 20 years old? I mean, I get that he's mourning over the death of his uncle, but it's a little bit jarring to see him talking as an adult rather than a kid his age. Just thought I'd mention that.

19 minutes later

OK, so far, out of the two kills I've seen Sam Harper commit, this one is the more methodical approach, where he simply just buries a guy alive, in Harper's own grave nonethless, after breaking one of his bones. I will say that it is definitely effective, even if it's a little bit on the slower side, in my eyes.

2 minutes later

All right, now that kill was definitely a little bit more creative. In which, Sam just hangs this guy on a flagpole until he dies. Again, it's a little bit more methodical, but it is still a little bit creative, I will say that much.

12 minutes later

Well, guys, so far, I've found the best kill in the entire movie. This fucking douchebag teenager gets killed by decapitation from a cleaver. That was pretty awesome. And well worth it, too.

10 minutes later

Well...just when I thought I found the best kill in the entire movie, the next one just topped itself. And we also got an extra kill, too, on top of that. I'm really starting to get more impressed with these kills, guys, they're really starting to win me over.

The Review

All right...well, guys, that was "Uncle Sam". And I'm gonna go ahead and shut this movie off here...OK. Wow, um...where to even start with this thing? I'm gonna be honest, guys, this one is gonna be a bit tough for me to review. Because, on one hand, this film does have a lot of positives. But on the other hand, there's just....something about it that doesn't exactly fit here. I'll get more into this in a second, but I am gonna let you guys know now that the movie is honestly just OK. I can't really say that it's a bad movie, or even a great one, it's just more so in the middle of it being a bit average. Which is honestly more disappointing for me, personally, because I love horror comedies, and this one, unfortunately sorta falters a bit in that area.

So, why don't we start off with something I normally start with in a lot of my reviews, which is the writing. And I have to start off with one of the big problems that this movie suffers from, which is it's pacing. Because for the 40 minutes or so, the pacing here is incredibly slow. It takes a long time for our titled character to finally make his appearance and start his killing spree. And the film itself is only 90 minutes long, but it still feels like it took forever just to get to that point. And, just to compare it with another horror movie that has a similar premise, "Jack Frost", the 1997 horror comedy, had the exact same runtime that this movie does. But the reason why it works better there is because, one, it was much better paced, and you actually got to see Jack Frost, the killer, really early on when he starts his killing. This movie, though, takes up a little too much time in getting to the meat of it's premise.

And while I'm on that subject, I want to talk about the next big problem that this movie has. Now, as I've mentioned before, I love horror comedies, especially ones that make me laugh. Now, of course, I totally understand that humor is subjective, and the humor for that genre may not appeal to everyone. But for me, personally, I love it, and when a horror comedy *does* make me laugh, then mission accomplished: You have succeeded in being really funny to me. And that's where this movie falters greatly with it's comedy. Most of is it isn't really that funny, aside from a moment where the douchebag teenager gets his head chopped off from a cleaver by Sam Harper. And it was funny there because, well, I really didn't like that fucking teenager, so it was completely satisfying the moment he got his head chopped off. But aside from that, there really wasn't a whole lot of funny moments here.

In fact, I believe I know why this thing falters on being a horror comedy. You see, this movie suffers from an identity crisis. I truly believe that this film was never meant to be a horror comedy to begin with. With the way the movie plays itself out, it felt like it wanted to take itself more seriously. You, the viewer, were suppose to take it's story, and setting, seriously. However, the problem with that is that it just doesn't work here. The story is really kinda boring, with it's characters being underdeveloped. Part of that has to do with it's really slow pacing, but the buildup to it also isn't really all that interesting anyways. Now if this thing leaned more on being self aware of it's plot, in which there is an undead soldier who comes back to life and is killing people masquerading as Uncle Sam, I think this would've been a whole lot funnier. But again, this movie doesn't really feel like much of a horror comedy, if at all.

And, again, I wanted to compare this thing with the 1997 "Jack Frost" movie. The main reason why it worked better there, aside from what I already said about it's pacing and the killer appearing early on, is that it was self aware of it's own premise. I mean, there was no way in hell the filmmakers there were gonna have you take that story seriously, what with it being about a killer snowman and all. And they knew it, too, because of how ridiculous the idea was, so they did their best to try and have fun with it. And it worked, too, for all the reasons I just listed. But this film, on the other hand, doesn't really do that very much. While there is some campiness to be found here, it doesn't really go all the way with it. It mostly tries to be a somewhat more serious story, and it fails at that, because it doesn't try to be more self aware of it's own plot. Which is what hurts this movie the most for me, because this kind of movie *should* be more hilarious. And on paper, it could've been great, but sadly, in terms of execution, it doesn't really work here.

Now, with all of the criticisms I've thrown at this movie already, you might think that I'm going to say that the movie's writing is completely terrible and that the movie really does suck. And while I've done that for a few movies that I've said about beforehand, I'm not going to do that for this one. Why? Well, like I said, I think there are quite a few positives to this thing. For one thing, most of the acting here is decent. It's not great, mind you, but it's definitely not as bad as it could've been. The best actor, by far, would have to be Isaac Hayes as Jed. The man is great at what he does, and this movie is no different. The actor, though, who I'm going levy against the most here is the child actor playing Jody. His acting in this movie is damn near wooden. He puts no effort into sounding emotional about anything, and it's kind of a double-edged sword here. Because on one hand, it sorta makes sense on his character's part to sound like that, because he really admired his uncle and wanted to be a soldier like him one day, but on the other hand, the actor playing him just doesn't know how to emote properly. But then again, this is also what happens when you put a child actor on camera and you make him the star of the movie. And I would've been fine with this if, again, his acting wasn't so wooden that it hurts, but it did. And it just comes across as completely terrible. But aside from him, most of the acting is decent for what it is. Again, it's not great, but it could've been a hell of a lot worse too.

Special effects in this movie are definitely the best thing about it. Most of that is gonna be contributed to the make-up effects and costuming that are used for Sam Harper. It looks great on him, with the yellowish eyes to the green, almost husk-looking skin that I want to say almost looks like Freddy Krueger's own skin, though whether that was intentional or not is something I can't say. Still though, it does look really good. The blood and gore effects are also really good, too, as is the kills that lead up to them...at least, when you get to see it. However, I'll get to that in a moment when I touch upon camerawork. But aside from that, guys, the special effects here are really good. And the set pieces look really good, too. This almost feels like you're actually at a 4th of July festival of sorts and it looks great. So I gotta give them a lot props there when it comes to that.

Camerawork here is mostly really good, except for a couple of certain moments. What moments are those, you might be wondering? Well, this movie, unfortunately, has a bit of a bad habit of cutting away from certain kills before they can be executed. In short, some kills are done off camera. And there are two moments in particular I remember this happening. The first one involves the very first kill of the movie, where Sam has a pair of shears. And before the shears are able to cut into his first victim...the camera cuts to black before moving onto the next scene. The other moment that this happens is when Jody's teacher gets killed with an ax. And this one bothers me the most because, on the morning of the festival, the movie was making a big deal out of this ax because, apparently, one of the kids dressed up as George Washington was suppose to be carrying it throughout the parade. I don't know what an ax has to do with George Washington, but whatever, point is, the movie was teasing about this ax, and I was hoping to see what the movie could do with an ax kill. Well, sadly, they cut this one too, as you mainly get to see the teacher falling down with an ax to the head. It's really disappointing to see this because why make a huge deal about it if you're not going to show the damn kill?! It makes no sense at all, and it makes the movie feel a little bit more cheaper than what it was already running on.

Now...aside from those moments, the camerawork here functions normally. The lighting here is lit perfectly fine. The sound-mixing is mixed well. The score here is mostly just forgettable, too. So unfortunately, I can't really say anything positive about this film's score. It's just really forgettable.

So...with all this in mind, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Uncle Sam"? Kind of, yes, but only as a rental. I'd say that this movie is worth watching only once. I feel like, had this movie lived up to being more self aware of it's own premise, I would've said absolutely, and you should go find a copy of this movie somewhere, physically. However, seeing as how this movie has a lot of flaws to it's story that I just can't simply ignore, I would say that it's worth watching just once. Now, who knows? If you seriously want to check this thing out, you might really enjoy it more than I did. And hey, who knows? Perhaps maybe it could become a 4th of July tradition for you as well as something you could watch every year, too. Unfortunately for me, however, that's probably not gonna be the case. I don't see myself watching this thing again anytime soon. I'm more disappointed in it than anything else. Which is sad to say, but that's just how it is, sometimes. But still, I can recommend it to you guys, if you can somehow rent it, or find it somewhere on YouTube for free and you can watch it there. But to purchase a physical copy is something I'm not overly confident about. Luckily for me, my copy only costed about $7. So, I can't say I was entirely ripped off, but still...yeah, this thing just flat out disappointed me. So now, I'm gonna go and watch something else. I think I'm gonna go and watch my copy of "Escape From New York". Seeing as how I saw Isaac Hayes in this thing, and how awesome he was in "Escape From New York", I'm gonna go and watch that next, cause I really just sorta want to now. So, I'll go and do that next as soon I get done with this review.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Amon Saga

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering an OVA from 1986. That OVA is "Amon Saga".

Now, I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I know very little about this thing. What little information I found is what I picked up from the DVD case. First thing I can tell you is that the plot to this thing is about a warrior, who's set for revenge against the people that killed his mother. Which sounds like a simple premise enough. The other thing I can tell you guys, before I start watching this thing, is that the character designs in this OVA are from the same guy who also did the character designs for "Vampire Hunter D". Which sounds great, especially considering that I really enjoyed "Vampire Hunter D". However, just because you have the guy who did those character designs for that movie doesn't automatically mean that this thing is going to be any good.

Now, as I was doing the small amount of further research I did on this OVA, there is something that I found rather odd. See, when I typed in "Amon Saga" on Google's search engine, it advertises this thing to be about 80 minutes long. However, the version I have on DVD has a runtime of 90 minutes. And to add on to all that, there is a version of the OVA on YouTube that's about 75 minutes long. So...someone's got their runtimes mixed up here. Either it's the DVD version I own, or it's one of the other two possibilities. I'm gonna eventually find out for myself once I start watching it, because that part is really kinda bugging me slightly.

So, with all that said, I'm hoping for this thing to be pretty good. I'm not totally sure if it will be, but I am gonna find out for myself. And the only way I'm gonna do that is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Amon Saga".

13 minutes later

OK, well, I *was* gonna say whatever that creature was, after breaking off it's skin, looked fucking disgusting as hell. But considering Amon just sliced that guy in half, I don't think it really matters at this point.

13 minutes later

All right, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to bring this issue up until later in the review, but I have to comment on this, because I can't ignore it any longer. The resolution quality on this DVD looks ridiculously pixelated. I don't know if that's just my TV being all like that, but it's really starting to strain my eyes, and it's probably gonna hinder the rest of this OVA, especially if it doesn't improve. I'm hoping that it does, but I sadly don't think it's going to.

8 minutes later

OK, I have a rather dumb question here, and I know it's too late to ask this, but I want to ask it anyway. So, this messenger from the king was killed. And the reason why he was held hostage originally was because one of the 9 men that had been recruited by Emperor Valhiss is believed to be a spy amongst one of them. Wouldn't it have made more sense to use the messenger as a hostage situation? In which I mean, if one of them doesn't come up and admit that they're a spy, then the messenger's life would've been spared? I understand that it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyways, but it's just a thought that came to me, you know what I mean?

9 minutes later

All right, this is starting to get a little annoying now. This is the 4th or 5th time that they've shown this flashback where Amon's mother was killed. I think we already got that point bludgeoned into our heads now. I don't need to see it again, unless you provide some more context to it. Otherwise, I'm getting tired of seeing this flashback already. This is nothing more than padding, and it's really unnecessary, too.

19 minutes later

You know, guys, I would love to say that what I'm watching at this moment is really interesting and I want to see where it goes from here...but I can't. I have honestly just been kinda bored with most of what's been going on right now. I honestly just don't have a lot to say at this point, but I'm still gonna hold out some hope that it will get interesting, now that we're in the final climax and all.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Amon Saga". And let me go ahead and shut this thing off here...OK. Wow, I'm just...flabbergasted. I really thought I was in for something epic here, and what I ended up with was being really disappointed. Yeah, this thing...kinda sucked. I almost hesitate to say it's bad, but I can't necessarily go that far. It just feels very underwhelming is all.

I do have to comment on something, first and foremost. I commented on the questionable runtime that this movie has. I thought it was going to be 90 minutes, as what was advertised on the official DVD release of this OVA. But no, that's actually *not* true. And it's not 80 minutes either, according to Google's search engine. No, the runtime of this OVA is the version that was advertised on YouTube, which was about 75 minutes long. So, I have to ask: Where is the other 15 minutes that this DVD claims to have in order to be 90 minutes long? I know it probably won't change anything, considering the quality of this OVA and all, however, I hate being lied to. Again, this is the *official* version that was released on DVD. And unless there's an uncut version of this movie that I wasn't made aware of, you do *not* advertise a false runtime of something that it claimed it was going to be, only for it to be much shorter than that!

But do you want to know something that's sorta funny to me? Even though this DVD advertised a false runtime, I'm actually kinda happy that it wasn't 90 minutes long. Because if it was, then that would've only added more to the padding that this movie already has. And I may as well just jump right into the writing here. And to start with, the pacing in this movie is just painfully bad. There are scenes in this movie that could've been trimmed down or just cut out entirely, because they do not need to exist. We don't need to be reminded 4 or 5 times that Amon's mother was slain as a child. Any viewer that doesn't have the mindset of a goldfish would've already ascertained this information within their mind without it being, again, bludgeoned into the viewers brain over and over again.

And since I'm on the subject regarding the flashback, the characters in this movie are mostly flat and lifeless. And in Amon's case, that is a *horrible* thing to say, because you would think that, with a backstory like his, you have more than enough reason to care about him getting revenge on the bastards that killed his mother. But no, because Amon has the personality of dried-up paint. There is no reason for you to care about Amon's quest to avenge his mother because his personality is just so bland that it almost hurts. Almost everyone else I can say the same thing, too. The only exception to all this is Gaius. Gaius is the only character in this OVA who's almost the exact opposite compared to Amon, because he actually has something resembling a personality. And ultimately, he ended up being the only character in this thing that I actually sorta liked. There's also this blue creature that only appears two times in the movie to help out Amon, and there's *no* explanation as to who this is and why he's even helping him to begin with.

Now our story here, beyond Amon's quest to avenge his mother's death, also falters into the pacing issues as well. Because this story just feels really uneven and incredibly slow, too. Aside from Amon's own personal quest, there's another character named Princess Lichia, who was kidnapped by Emperor Valhiss. And she's being held hostage until her father, King Darai Sem, can provide him a map that will lead them to the Valley of Gold. Which, I think you can already guess what that entails to. But anyway, the story here feels very unfocused, even for a fantasy movie. Because it doesn't know whether it should focus more on Amon's personal quest or the treasure map. It doesn't really mesh at all. And had this thing been better paced, and better written, it probably could've been extended to it's supposed 90 minute runtime to help flesh it out a bit more.

But as it stands, the writing here is just not very good. This OVA is just put together in a rather clunky fashion that almost nothing here gels very well. And speaking of which, the dub for this movie is also just bad. Granted, in terms of 80's dubs, it's not the worst I've heard, but it's far from good. The dub here is kind of a mixture of being flat, to being a little overly campy at the same time. And as someone likes some campiness, this isn't exactly the good kind of camp that I normally would enjoy. It just fell kinda flat here. Now thankfully, there is an option where you can watch it with the Japanese audio and English subtitles. So if you have to watch this movie, it's recommend that you watch it in that version.

Animation here feels really cheap, as there are some moments of recycled animation that is used here. Mostly in the beginning during the flashbacks. And I don't mean Amon's mother being killed on repeat, I mean there are moments where there's people running, and it will use the same frame of animation at least two or three times. Now thankfully, it's not for entirety of the OVA, but it is still very noticeable. I will say that the art-style is really good, though that could be attributed to the character designs being made from the same guy who created the designs for "Vampire Hunter D". But that's just character designs, the color palettes here are used very well, too. So, I can't say that the animation is all cheap-looking.

I haven't talked about this in a while, but I need to talk about the picture quality on this OVA. Or, at least, the version I have on DVD. Now again, I don't know if this is just my TV that's causing this, but for some reason, the resolution looks very pixelated. And what I mean by that is that there are shots in this movie that looks very low-res. And I can't pick out any particular shot, because it happens a lot in this movie. The most noticeable patterns I've noticed about these shots is whenever a character is suppose to be seen from a faraway angle, and for some reason, they look very pixelated. And I can't figure out as to why this is. I don't know if this is from really shoddy compression issues, or if, again, that's how my TV shows it at times. And what's weird about this is, whenever I pop in any anime movies in my DVD player, sometimes those issues will pop up. But that's only very rarely, and they don't get in the way over the whole experience. The only time I can think of whenever I complained about this issue is when I reviewed "Belle" last year. Those issues popped up a lot, and I theorized that it could either be my TV or if it's just the DVD I own, and that these issues don't happen on Blu-ray. I don't know, because I don't own a Blu-ray player, and I still have no plans to own one.

But yeah, guys, that to me is what mostly turned me off about this OVA, because this one, for some reason, has this particular problem the most. It may just, ultimately, be an issue on my TV, so I'll have to check into that at some point whenever I get the opportunity. But anyway, guys, beyond all of that, the sound-mix here is mixed fine, and the music here is not too bad either. It's not great, mind you, but it's still decent at best.

So, when all is said and done, guys, am I able to recommend "Amon Saga"? If you can, somehow, find it for cheap anywhere, whether it's on DVD or Blu-ray, then I would say give it a shot. Or, if you want to watch it for free on YouTube, it's up on there, at least at the time that I'm writing this review, then sure, go ahead and give it a watch there. But if you plan on getting a physical copy of this thing, make sure it's somewhere within the $5 range. I bought this DVD at one of my local video stores for $12. And that, to me, feels a little bit too high for my tastes. That, plus the OVA's not all that good anyways, so I'm gonna be kinda happy to trade this thing in the moment I get that chance. For now, though, I'm gonna go and watch something better. I think, since I mentioned a couple of times in this review already, I'm gonna go and watch my copy of "Vampire Hunter D", because I'm kinda in the mood for something better right now.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Lock Up

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a movie from 1989. That movie is "Lock Up".

Now, I honestly don't know a whole lot about this movie. The only things I know about it is that it stars Sylvester Stallone, and from what I skimmed over on the back of the DVD case, he plays a prison inmate who's trying to survive his remaining time there, but he has to contend with some evil warden who wants to ruin it for him for some reason. I don't know why exactly, but I do know that the warden is played by the late Donald Sutherland. So that's kinda interesting to know.

But aside from that, guys, I don't exactly know what to expect from this movie. I do know the film's a little under 2 hours long, so it shouldn't drag out too long, hopefully. I'm hoping that it's really good, but the only way I'm gonna know for sure is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Lock Up".

13 minutes later

OK, I have a question that I know will probably be answered later on, but I want to ask it anyway. So, from before Stallone's character was being suddenly transferred over to prison, what was he doing there, originally, to begin with? So far, we haven't been given any real details about that, and I feel like we're kinda rushing things slightly. Mind you, none of it has been bad so far, I'm just curious to know why Stallone's character was even thrust into this situation in the first place?

20 minutes later

Sorry, guys, for not saying very much right now. It's just that this movie hasn't given me a whole lot to work with for the last while. Mind you now, the movie's been OK so far, I just don't have a lot to say about it right now.

9 minutes later

So, the reason why Frank Leone was put in prison originally was because some punks beat up his old man, and no one did anything about it. So, Leone took matters into his own hands, beat up the punks himself, and thus got into prison for 18 months due to aggravated assault. Well, at *least* they explained that much. It's kinda strange to know that the police didn't do *anything* about it to begin with, but I'll just chalk that up to corruption and leave it at that.

2 minutes later

You guys can't hear this for obvious reasons, but this song here that's playing right now is pretty good, actually. I'm gonna have to look it up later on what this song is, but I'm really kinda digging it.

10 minutes later

You know, guys, for a scene that has a car being smashed up to pieces, this sappy piano music that's playing right now is rather inappropriate. I would've assumed they would've gone for something a little more dramatic, but the fact that this sappy piano music is playing over the carnage seems really inappropriate to me. Just saying.

13 minutes later

OK, that's something new. I've never seen betting on cockroach racing before. And that's also something I never thought I'd get to say when I started doing this series, too. Go figure.

15 minutes later

You know, I'm a little surprised as to why Frank is even asking one of the guards, who's obviously evil, to let him use the phone to talk to his girlfriend, because she's in danger of getting killed. If he really thought that the guard was going to let him use the phone, then it kinda makes Frank a little bit on the dumb side, you know what I mean?

8 minutes later

You know, guys, for all the shit that Frank has had to go through throughout this entire movie, it's *really* satisfying to see him finally getting his revenge on one of these asshole guards by beating the shit out of him. It makes me curious to see if the warden will get his shit caved in too. I'm actually really curious to see if it will happen.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Lock Up". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. So...where to begin with this one? Well, I am gonna say, first and foremost, that the movie is OK. It's certainly not one of Stallone's best films, but I can't say it's the weakest either. At least, in terms of his filmography that I've seen. So far, I would say the weakest film of his would probably be "Judge Dredd". Mind you, I really do enjoy that movie, however, in terms of his more serious films, this one is a step above that film. At least, for me it is.

So, why don't we go ahead and start this review off proper by first discussing the writing here. Writing here, for the most part, is a pretty standard film where Stallone's character, Frank Leone, is trying to survive being in prison for the next six months after a sudden transfer where he's being watched by an obviously evil warden played by Donald Sutherland. And throughout the movie, the warden is trying every other way to break Leone's mental capacity. Essentially, he wants Leone to mess up and cause enough trouble to where he gets an extended sentence. But with Leone, he has more of a calm and collected manner to where he's just trying to serve the rest of his time out. And it's also where he's making friends with some of the prisoners there. Now, of course, he also has to contend with some of the inmates who are in the warden's pockets, while also dealing with these asshole corrupt guards, who also work for the warden. So, Frank obviously has a lot to deal with in this movie.

Before I get into the problems that this movie does have, one thing I will say about it is that it feels very humane. And what I mean by that is that it feels very down to Earth with it's characters. Most of everyone that Frank befriends with in this movie feels like they're people that you can have a drink with and just talk about stuff for hours upon end. And that's the biggest strength that this movie has when it comes to it's supporting cast, is that they feel real to you. They may not have the greatest character depth in the world, but they still feel like friends that you can rely on. The best example of this is during the montage where we see them fixing a Mustang. Admittedly, it is a little bit on the cheesy side, but it still mostly works, as the friendship between Frank and the other inmates is very good here.

That said, there is something that I do want to talk about, which is gonna lead into one of the biggest problems that this movie has. And that problem is it's uneven tone. See, going into this movie, I kinda figured that, with a premise like this where it takes place in a prison, this was going to be a drama. And it mostly is. However, the movie does try to balance it out by injecting some humor. Now, I don't really have a problem with that in of itself. What bothers me a little about it is that it sorta comes in at the wrong time. One big example I can think of is right after that montage I mentioned a little while back. Shortly after they fix the car, one of the characters asks Frank if they could turn on the engine because they've never driven in their life and they want to hear it just once. Frank gives in, but only if it's for 10 seconds.

So the other guy who's in the car ends up driving the Mustang out of the garage and ends up driving the car around the area where all of the inmates are hanging out. This goes on for a while until he finally stops driving the car while Frank pulls him out. And from there, the warden decides to make Frank go in the box for 6 weeks, even though he didn't physically do it. But anyway, my point in all this is that before Frank is taken away, he gets to witness the car being battered and destroyed by the prison inmates. Now, aside from the inappropriate music that plays during this scene, it also feels like a tonal whiplash. Because, we had just gotten finished with a light-hearted montage of him fixing a car with friends, to one of them driving it recklessly out of the garage, to then it finally getting destroyed. Which, by itself, is already swinging from light to already dark within a few minutes.

But then comes the next sequence, where Frank is spending the next six weeks in solitary, which is probably the darkest scene of the entire movie. Because each time Frank is suppose to repeat his name and number tag, he slowly starts to get weaker, physically and mentally. And while I do think the scene went on a little bit too long here, it does get the point across where it shows that the warden will do *anything* to get Frank to his breaking point. Now while that's all well and good, it also, again, feels something like a tonal whiplash, because it had only been about, maybe, 10 minutes ago where we got to see Frank hanging out with his friends to him getting put into solitary for the next 6 weeks and him going through torture as well. Now perhaps, maybe, if this had been spaced out a little bit, I probably would've not minded it much, but it just seems like we rushed into it all pretty quickly, tonally speaking.

And speaking of which, that kinda brings me into the other problem with this movie, which would have to be it's villain, Warden Drumgoole. Yeah, I honestly didn't mention his name until now because he's honestly that forgetful of a villain. And the reason why he exists in this movie is because, prior to being the warden of this prison, he was also the warden of a different prison where Frank was also at. And it's there where we find out that Drumgoole wouldn't let Frank talk to his mentor, who was dying at the time. Which caused Frank to break out of that prison and tell the press about the mistreatment of the warden's prisoners back then, which is the only reason why Drumgoole is out for revenge. And while that's fine and everything, the character himself is not really all that interesting. He's hardly in the movie at all, and his personality is also very boring, too. And it's not just him either, the guards who work for him are obviously evil assholes, along with the inmates who are in his pockets, whom are also in the same boat. Basically, all of the villains in this movie are incredibly weak, personality wise. Which is a stark contrast, when you compare it to Frank's friends in this movie, when they're the most likable characters next to Frank.

So yeah, the characters in this movie are somewhat of a mixed bag here. That being said, despite all that, the acting here is what makes up for all of that. The acting in this movie is mostly fantastic. The only bit that kinda bothered me slightly is during the beginning where we first get to see Warden Drumgoole, I couldn't tell if Donald Sutherland was trying to give this guy an accent, because it almost sounded like he was trying to sound Russian. I don't know if that the was the case or if Sutherland was trying to improvise with his character some, but either way, it just sounded a little off to me. Now thankfully, he does drop the accent later on as he sounds a little more like himself. And as for Stallone, well, he definitely does sound rather natural here. But then again, I also feel like the supporting cast is what helps enhance his performance here. He looks and sounds very comfortable on camera, and I would say it's one of his better performances I've seen in a while. So yeah, the acting here is really solid for the most part.

Camerawork here is really good. The lighting here is lit well. The sound-mixing is fine. The music here is great. Again, not counting the sappy piano music that plays over what's suppose to be a dramatic scene. And I mentioned earlier about that song that plays during the montage of Frank and his friends fixing the Mustang. Well, I *did* look it up as promised, and the song is called "The Ides Of March". And it's a really good song, too. In fact, the score here is also really good as well. But then again, this is from the same guy who did the scores for both the "Rocky" and "Karate Kid" films. So I kinda sorta expected this. But regardless, the music here is really good for both score and soundtrack.

And with that all said, guys, am I able to recommend "Lock Up"? Yes, I certainly can. It's not a great film, mind you, as I've seen far better from Stallone, both before and after this, but it's still a pretty good movie overall. If you're a fan of Stallone's films, then it's possible that you've already seen this one and probably already own it on VHS, DVD, or Blu-ray. If not, then go ahead and find a copy of it somewhere. Or find it on streaming, if you can't find a physical copy of it. Whatever the case, go ahead and check it out. It is certainly worth your time. And for myself, well, I'm obviously gonna hold on to it to rewatch it again at some point. And speaking of which, I'm probably just gonna go watch one of the "Rambo" movies I already own, because I'm kinda in the mood now to watch something more with Stallone in it. So, that's what I'm gonna go do next once I get done with this review.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Heavy Metal 2000

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a Canadian adult animated film from 2000. That movie is "Heavy Metal 2000".

Now, for those of you who don't know, this movie is a sequel to a cult animated movie from the early 80's called "Heavy Metal". And I did watch it a long time ago back before I started doing this series. And...I thought it was OK. It was weird as hell, and I didn't really understand any of it, but I still sorta liked it. Mind you, again, it was a long time ago when I saw that movie, so my memory of it is a little hazy at best. What originally drew me to it was when I first saw that one "South Park" episode where Kenny was trying to get high off of cat piss and somehow ended in up in a different world with a different animation style, which was mostly inspired from "Heavy Metal". It was a weird episode, even for "South Park", but the episode was still pretty good overall.

Now since I did end up watching the first "Heavy Metal" movie, I sadly can't cover it for this series. As per rule for this series, I can't review movies I've seen before on my own time, unless there's some sort of exception to it all. But that's where things get interesting, because tonight's movie, like I said before, is a sequel to "Heavy Metal". And unlike the first one, where it's heralded as a cult classic, this one I haven't heard many positive things about. I'm not sure why, exactly, other than it's not as good as the first movie. Which doesn't really give me a whole lot of info to go on, but that makes things better for me because I like to go into a lot of these movies blind anyways.

So, I'm gonna see if this movie has any kind of redeeming qualities to it. I'm certainly hoping for it to be good, but I won't know for sure unless I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Heavy Metal 2000".

8 minutes later

You know, guys, when I heard from the beginning that anyone who touches the key will drive anyone insane...yeah, they meant it. Because Tyler has already killed most of his crew, leaving one to do the navigation duties. And considering he's voiced by Michael Ironside, you probably couldn't have asked for perfect casting, because he is nailing his role so far.

18 minutes later

Guys, I'm gonna comment on this later in the review, but so far, the music here...really hasn't been all that great. It's not completely awful or anything, but none of it has been all that memorable either. It's just kinda weak, really. I'm hoping maybe it'll get better within the next hour or so, but I'm not totally sure if it will.

4 minutes later

Well, guys, I just learned something new today. Sex robots, at least the one I'm seeing right now anyway, has bigger boobs and also has a vocabulary of over 200 dirty words. I'm not sure if that's something I needed to know, but at least it's something, I guess.

12 minutes later

I just saw two lizards humping each other. No, guys, I'm not joking about that, that it is a thing that *literally* happened. It's...different, I'll give it that much. But it's something that I definitely didn't need to see either. Just...what the fuck, man?

15 minutes later

OK, I have a question here, and I know it's a stupid one, but I want to ask it anyway. How does Tyler not recognize who F.A.K.K.2 is? I mean, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter to him, considering he's incredibly horny most of the time, but I'm still rather curious as to how he doesn't recognize her, considering she was the one who shot him "dead" way early on in the movie. Just something to consider is all.

4 minutes later

So this crazy doctor apparently has the robot aesthetics of the T-1000. Never would've guessed that, honestly.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Heavy Metal 2000". And we're closing out with an actual halfway decent song. I know you guys can't hear it for obvious reasons, but this song here doesn't sound too bad. Well, as much as I'd like to listen to more of it, I still have to review this thing. So I'm gonna go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK.

Before I get into the review, I need to give you guys a little bit of a history lesson in regards to the first "Heavy Metal" movie. And don't worry, this will be prevalent later on when I actually get to talking about its sequel. Now, as I stated at the beginning of this thing, "Heavy Metal" was a cult hit and was very successful, financially speaking. The thing is, despite it being a big hit, it was never really released on home video for the longest time. Now that's not to say that the movie was never shown again after it was released in theaters, it did mostly air throughout the 80's and early 90's on HBO. So if you were someone who grew up during that time, you probably had a better chance to watch it back then, as it was considered more of a special event. Mainly because it never did get a home release for a really long time.

Now, the main reason as to why it never got a home video release was mainly because of all the licensed music that was featured in that movie. And to give you guys some clarification, "Heavy Metal" was released in theaters in 1981. The official home release of this movie didn't come out until 1996, when Kevin Eastman, one of the co-creators of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", bought the rights to Heavy Metal magazine a few years prior and was actually able to release the movie with all of the music intact. And if you're not familiar with Heavy Metal's soundtrack, it is a *big* cast of music, mainly rock music, from artists like "Journey", "Black Sabbath" and Sammy Hagar, to list a few examples, it was an all-star soundtrack. And if you guys have never heard any of the songs from the first "Heavy Metal" film, go ahead and give them a listen to at some point. It's definitely worth your time, especially if you're a fan of classic rock music like I am.

So what exactly is this leading into, you might be wondering? Well, this is a good time to perfectly segue-way into this by talking about the biggest major flaw with this movie, which is the soundtrack. Because, one of the big things about the first "Heavy Metal" that a lot of people know about it is what I already mentioned, the soundtrack. The soundtrack for the first movie was really awesome. Even for someone like myself who had lukewarm thoughts about the first movie, I could at least say that it did have a great soundtrack to it. Most of the songs there were amazing, and it's one of the things that has aged really well about that movie. Including the animation, but that's besides the point. Point is, the movie had an amazing soundtrack.

This movie, however, doesn't really have anything resembling a memorable soundtrack. If anything, it's probably the most forgettable thing about this movie. I was hoping for it to get better the moment that I first mentioned the music not being all that great, but sadly, that's the not the case here. Mind you now, it does have a *lot* of songs from various artists, but none of them are memorable, aside from the ending credits song that I sorta listened to before shutting the movie off. In fact, looking up the soundtrack for this movie, I only recognized two artists in particular. One of them is Billy Idol, who also voices one of the characters in this movie. The other group is a somewhat infamous rap group known as the "Insane Clown Posse". Now, I haven't listened to a whole lot of their music, but from what little I did listen to from them, "mixed-bag" is probably the best way I can describe their music. That's *really* the best way I can summarize their music in a nutshell. How you interpret their music is up to you, of course. But yeah, even with those two names, they don't really do anything to help enhance this movie. Everyone else I honestly don't really recognize. Which if that's any indication, it just further proves that their music in this film is just so fucking forgettable that it almost hurts.

Now, I could go on and on about the music, but to give you guys the short version, the soundtrack is, by far, the weakest thing about this movie. Which is gonna be seen as a huge detriment, especially to fans of the first movie, who really adored the first movie's soundtrack. Now, another big change from the first movie to this one is how the writing is approached here. Now, before I go into more detail about this movie's writing, one of the other things that most people remember about the first "Heavy Metal" movie was that it was an anthology film. And if you're somehow not familiar with the term, an anthology film is basically where you take a bunch of shorter films that normally wouldn't reach the runtime of a feature length film, and you stitch them together to form an anthology movie of sorts. And that's what "Heavy Metal" was. It was a rock anthology that pretty much sold itself on it's own concept.

Which then leads me into this movie, because this movie ditches the anthology aspect and goes for a more traditional, straight-forward story. And to be honest, I'm perfectly OK with this because, again, I thought the first "Heavy Metal" movie was just OK at the time that I watched it. So I'm totally cool with this movie going for something a little more traditional with it's storytelling. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys when I say this, the writing in this movie is halfway decent. I can actually say that the story here, despite a couple of issues, is honestly sorta engaging. It's basically just a revenge story where our main character, Julie AKA F.A.K.K.2, is set out for revenge on our villain, Tyler, who ends up becoming a possessed, insane madman who wants the power of immortality. And Julie is out for revenge, not because of those reasons, but mainly because Tyler and his army destroyed most of her planet's people and kidnapped her sister. And she is joined by another character named Odin, who is the character that is voiced by Billy Idol that I mentioned a while ago.

And I guess this will also segue-way into the characters. Characters in this movie are mostly a mixed bag at best. There are 3 of them that are even worth mentioning. The first one is Julie. Julie is the one character here who has the most depth, as you know why she's out for revenge. I mean, she lost most of her family and friends, and with her sister being kidnapped, that's mostly enough for someone to set out for revenge. So, on that end, it works fine. And while her character is somewhat one-noted in terms of personality, she can also be sexy and badass at the same time, so it kinda balances itself out there. Odin is definitely the weakest character here, because he mostly ranges on being foil to comic relief. He was formerly a part of Tyler's army and got ditched by Tyler after Odin tried to help Julie's sister out of some rubble. But aside from that, he really doesn't have any redeeming qualities to him that makes him memorable.

Which then leads me into talking about the movie's main villain Tyler. Tyler, by himself, is admittedly somewhat of a bland villain as his only conquest is to become immortal after touching a crystal, which is also the key, that leads him into wanting to become immortal. And he's also incredibly horny, too. Which, for some people, might see this as a bit of a turn off, but I honestly think that kinda makes his character a little more charming to watch. But what helps it the most is the acting, which I'm gonna perfectly segue-way into, because if there's one thing that this movie does very well on is the acting. The best one, by far, has to go to Michael Ironside. The man is awesome at just about everything that he's in. No matter the role, he can make it into gold. And while his performance as Darkseid is gonna be the best voice acting role I've heard him from, his performance here in this movie is still really good. As is everyone else, of course. All of them really turned into amazing showings for their performances. So I can't really fault anybody here in terms of their voice work, as they all did an awesome job here.

Now onto the animation. And I'm gonna divide the animation into two bits, because while this movie is mostly hand drawn animation, it also does utilize CG, which I'll get to in a moment. As for the 2D style, the animation here is pretty good. Now, while it isn't as impressive-looking as how "Heavy Metal" looked with it's animation and art-style, what is here still works fine, as it tries it's best to be as weird and provocative as how the first "Heavy Metal" was. So essentially, you'll have a lot of shots where girls are nude, and they have their tits and ass showing. Which, again, I know might turn some people off, especially if you never saw "Heavy Metal" to begin with, as they also did the same thing there. But as with the art-style here, it's not too bad. It's not great, and while it doesn't completely replicate Heavy Metal's original art-style and animation, it's still decent enough on it's own standards, both in art-style and it's animation.

Now let's talk about the CG, and I am gonna say, for the standards of 2000's CG, it looks really solid for the most part. Now, of course, if I were to compare this to today's standards, I would say that it looks dated and really kinda shit. However, you would have to be a complete retard to compare the CG from the year 2000 to today's standards. Which I know may seem somewhat debatable nowadays to some people, but you get my meaning at least. So yeah, the CG for the ships and the layout mostly looks really solid...except for one thing. Now, I can't really go into too much detail on this one due to spoilers, however, I will say that the model for this and the way that it's rendered looks absolutely *horrible*! This is, by far, one of the ugliest-looking things I've ever seen rendered in CG. Which is saying a lot, considering I just talked about this sort of thing a couple of weeks ago in my review for "Recess: School's Out". And to be honest with you guys, the CG in that thing looks a hell of a lot better when compared to the one bit of CG that I witnessed in this movie. It looks like fucking shit! So much so that it would've looked terrible by 1990's standards rather than 2000's. It really is *that* bad. If you want to know what I'm talking about, well, go watch the movie for yourself if you're really that curious about it.

But aside from that one awful moment, the CG here is pretty solid, again, at least for 2000's standards. The sound-mix here is mixed fine, and I've already went into great detail about the film's soundtrack, so I'll just leave it as is.

Ultimately, guys, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Heavy Metal 2000"? It's a tough film for me to recommend. Because there's certainly a lot to like here for certain, but there are things that somewhat stops me from recommending it entirely. For starters, as a sequel to the first "Heavy Metal" film, soundtrack wise, it's definitely not as good as that film's music was. So don't really expect an awesome soundtrack from this movie if you plan on watching it. And also, if you have seen the first "Heavy Metal" movie and you loved it, chances are you're probably not gonna enjoy this movie, as it takes a completely different approach from it formerly being an anthology flick to a standard revenge story. That said, if you're somehow able to go into this movie and you're not comparing it to the first movie, you might possibly find some enjoyment here. I can't entirely assure that, but it is still possible. The writing here, even though it's completely different from the first "Heavy Metal" film, is still decent on it's own standards. And as for myself, well, I still enjoyed it, despite it's flaws. I don't know if it will be enough to watch on multiple viewings, but I might get another viewing out of this and see if it's worth holding onto or not. But until then, I think I'm gonna go watch something else. And seeing as how I've been talking about how this film took a departure from it being an anthology film, I think I'm gonna go watch an anthology film right now. I'm weighing my options between "Robot Carnival" and "Memories", so I'll pick one of those two and go watch them, because they're both really solid movies.

So anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Chinese Speaking Vampires

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out a film from 2021. That movie is "Chinese Speaking Vampires".

I'm gonna tell you guys, I know almost nothing about this movie. In fact, I didn't even know this thing even came out in 2021. I really thought it came out somewhere in the late 2000's or something. But no, it actually just came out a few years ago. So, go figure, I guess.

Now beyond the fact that it came out in 2021, I don't really know much else about the movie. I know it has something to do involving vampires, and I know that they speak Chinese in this movie as well...for some reason. I don't know what the context is beyond that. And yes, I could look at the back of the DVD case I own to read about the plot to this thing, however, as I've done with a lot of movies in the past, I want to try and go into them as blind as possible. And this film is gonna be no different.

So, I'm gonna hope for this thing to be at least decent. Or perhaps it could wind up surprising me and be really good. I don't know. The only way I'm gonna find out if it is any good at all, is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Chinese Speaking Vampires".

1 minute later

OK, guys, two things I need to bring up here, in regards to this opening narration. One, there existed a group of "Kung-Fu Vampires" who have the power of super speed, strength, and immortality. I'll get to that last one in a moment. And it's said that their greatest weapon of all was making their victims speak fluent in Mandarin. I don't know how that's suppose to victimize someone, but I'm really curious about that regardless. And two, in 1937 the Japanese army captured them and tried to make them fight for their side in the war, to no avail. And it's said that the Japanese army slaughtered them all in response...even though we were just a told a second ago, that these vampires were apparently "immortal". So...what exactly was their weakness, then? Did the Japanese army just use their weapons on them constantly until they died? Or did they have some sort of kryptonite to use against these vampires? I'm really curious about this now, guys, and it's really gonna start bugging me now the more that this movie goes on. I'm hoping that it gets answered at some point during the film, but for now, it's just really gonna bug the shit out of me.

8 minutes later

All right, I have kind of stupid a question here that I want to ask. So our main character, Tony, is given one month to speak Mandarin by taking a class that will help him speak the language within a month just so he can re-audition for the movie role that he was trying to go for earlier. Now, as someone who's never spoken another language before, don't you think that speaking another language would roughly take about a couple of years at best? I don't know, perhaps *maybe* it's possible to fluently learn a new language within a month, but I just don't see it, guys. I think it would take a lot longer than a month, if you ask me.

16 minutes later

So, one of the vampires gets skewered with, predictably, a wooden stake and dies. Never expected they would turn into dust, but whatever. At least that kinda answers one of my questions from earlier. Still doesn't really explain why they make their victims speak Mandarin, but still, at least they were kind enough to answer that much so far.

17 minutes later

OK, I have another question that I'm really curious about here. So, this teacher has been biting the necks of some of these female students, so now they can speak only Mandarin and are now vampires. If that's the case, then where the hell are their bite marks? Because the teacher was biting the right side of their necks, and there are no signs of bite marks *anywhere* on the right side of their necks. Either these vampires can hide their bite marks after getting bitten, or the person in charge of the make-up effects were too lazy to make decent-looking bite marks to show that they've been bitten. Well, considering how boring this movie has been so far, I think I'm gonna go for the latter in this case.

20 minutes later

Guys, I'm just gonna come out and say this right now, I'm actually really happy that the movie's almost over. The movie has about 18 minutes left to go, and I cannot wait until it's finished, because I have been struggling to stay the fuck awake. That's how boring this fucking movie is! I seriously cannot wait for it to end.

The Review

Thank you god, it's over. Well, guys that was "Chinese Speaking Vampires", and I'm gonna shut this piece of shit off here...OK. So...where the fuck do I start here? I'm trying to figure out where I even start with this thing, because this movie is just shit from top to bottom in just about *every* aspect.

Well, I guess, when in doubt, start with the writing. And to begin with, this movie has a bit of an identity crisis. See, this movie claims to be a horror comedy, along with it being an action movie. But the problem with that is that this movie is neither scary nor funny in the slightest. Every attempt this movie tries to go for as a joke falls flat on it's face, so none of it will make you laugh. It even tries to go for some racial humor. And I would be totally cool with that, if this movie were written in a way that's actually funny. But it's not. It's just casually racist, at best. The movie, like I also mentioned, is not scary in the slightest. But then again, you're reading this from someone who's kinda numb to these types of movies, so make of that what you will. And the action here does exist, but it's done incredibly poorly. However, I'll get into all that later when I talk about the fight choreography. But yeah, this movie is catered to *nobody*. It fails as a horror movie, it fails as a comedy, and as someone who prefers horror comedies over straight up horror movies, that's really disappointing to say.

Now, as for the actual writing...well, what fucking writing? There is no story here that is compelling, or that it will make you care about what's going on. What little story we did have at the beginning revolves around our main character, Tony, who's trying to audition for a movie role which requires him to speak in fluent Mandarin. Except, he's not really good at it, so he's later given a month to go to a Mandarin speaking school where he can learn the language within a month so that he'll be prepared enough to audition for the role again, and hopefully land it. Unfortunately, that subplot gets dropped, until the very end of the movie, where he's seen taking the classes, while also kinda getting accidentally involved in the whole vampire plot that happens later on. See, the girl that he likes, Susie, finds out that one of her friends ends up getting a "private lesson" from the teacher, Mr. Ma, who ends up turning her into a vampire, so that she can speak full-fluent Mandarin. And, in case you really give a shit about Susie, she also ends up becoming a vampire thanks to her best friend.

In fact, why don't we just get the characters out of the way here, shall we? There are no characters here that are worth caring about. Tony has probably one of the most thinnest personalities I've seen in a movie in a *long* time. There is not a shred of depth or personality that makes him interesting whatsoever. The most you get out of him is that, again, he's an actor trying to audition for a Mandarin speaking role, but aside from that, there's nothing about Tony that's gonna make you care about him, or his efforts in trying to get hitched with Susie. And on the latter part, there's a montage in the middle of the movie where it shows him texting with Susie while taking his classes, and it all plays off as some cringy romantic comedy that, much like I said earlier, isn't funny in the slightest. Then again, I despise a lot of romantic comedies in general, so it's just more of a reason for me to hate this movie as much as I do already. There's also these redneck priests that have these shirts that reads "America First! Chinese Vampire Slayers!". I don't know if that was suppose to be a dig at one of President Trump's slogans or not, but either way, it also wasn't funny either.

So yeah, guys, the characters in this movie are all shallow and pigshit. And the story here really is kinda stupid and plotless at best. There is nothing about the writing here that I can comment on further that could be considered a positive. So, why don't we go ahead and move onto the acting here. The acting here is mostly terrible from the entire cast. Now, I can't really comment on when the actors are suppose to be speaking Mandarin, because I'm not very familiar with that language. So, I have no idea if the actors in this movie who were speaking Mandarin were fluent at all, or if they were just making it up as they were going along. I don't know, so I'm just going to assume it's a little bit of both. Either way, the acting here is still terrible. Most of it is very flat and phoned in. Almost nobody here actually tried to act like they gave a shit about their performances. The only actor I'm giving a slight pass to is the actor playing our villain Mr. Ma, since his accent gives me the impression that he doesn't speak English very well. So, I'm not gonna hold that against him. Everyone else, no. All of the acting from them is shit from across the board.

Now let's talk about the special effects. And, oh boy, the special effects here are complete shit. Now, I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that this movie was filmed on an ultra low budget. And you can *totally* tell that the people who made this movie went for the ultra cheap here when it came to it's effects. The most noticeable one is the lack of make-up effects on any of the actors turned into vampires. Because when you see a vampire biting on someone's neck, there is no bite mark on their neck. The closest you'll get to that is the girl you see with Mr. Ma in his office, but even then, it's just a slight mark that you'll barely notice and doesn't really look all that good on her anyway. Which tells me the people in charge of the make-up effects didn't bother to even try to add anything resembling bite marks on their necks. It's cheap as shit, much like every other special effect in this movie. Stuff like when vampires turn into dust or the blood effects all looking cheap, and looking like shit. So yeah, special effects in this movie are complete shit.

And speaking of which, let's talk about the fight choreography. First of all, if you look up the DVD cover for this movie, you might happen to notice some of the vampires in this movie holding weapons that they never use. For instance, there's a girl vampire in the middle holding both a wooden stake and a gun. Wooden stakes are used in the movie, but only to kill the Chinese speaking vampires, obviously. There's also a katana that Tony is wielding, along with another vampire girl holding a shotgun. And again, none of these weapons are ever present or used in the movie. Instead, most of the fighting is taking place in the third act, and the fight choreography here is definitely a joke. None of it has any natural flow to it, and it's all clunky and half-assed. I would almost say it's on par with the awful fight choreography I saw in movies like "Panther Squad" and "The Russian Ninja". Which is saying a lot, because I can't think of any other movies I've seen that have had awful, terrible fight choreography than those two movies.

What makes the fights even more annoying is the editing and camerawork. I normally don't mix these two in very much, but for this movie, I have to make exception here. You see, most of the fight scenes are done in the third act, and most of it is just one gigantic brawl between the vampires, both the villains and heroes. And the camerawork during all this is jerky, it's shaky, and for whatever fucking reasoning, at times, they will even do these odd zoom-ins whenever someone gets hit or inflicted with damage. It's stupid, annoying, and it ruins the flow of all the fight sequences here. If you want fight scenes that are done right, or at least better than this crap, go watch movies like "Bloodsport", where the fight sequences there are done one at a time in a tournament fashion. It gives everyone who was in that tournament a chance to show off their skills, and the camerawork there doesn't ruin the flow of the fights either. This shit, on the other hand, doesn't know how to showcase fight sequences properly here. Like I said, it's all poorly done, and none of it feels natural in the slightest.

Now what about the editing? Well, similar to what I just talked about, not only are the fight sequences poorly done, but they're also poorly edited, too. Because most of the fights in this movie are done with jump cuts, and there are so many of them here that it almost made my head hurt. In fact, thinking about it, there was one other movie that I reviewed a *long* time ago that did almost the exact same shit, and that was a movie called "Valentine: The Dark Avenger". A movie that I honestly had forgotten about until just now when I was talking about the fight scenes and how poorly done they were. This movie is no different with it's jump cuts. The worst bit of editing comes from the final fight between Tony and Mr. Ma. Because the fight between them is either shot during the day...or at night. Yeah, so what happens here is the two will fight, but in some cuts, it will show the sun coming up, and in another cut, it will show them fighting during night...and then during sunrise...and then nighttime again. It's all very inconsistent, which makes this fight quite possibly the worst fight scene in the entire movie! That's how bad it really was.

So yeah, camerawork and editing here are complete shit as well. The lighting here is...OK...I guess. The sound-mixing here is passable. And music here is shit, too. There's some rock music, along with night club music, which takes place in the first half hour of the movie. It sucks completely. But then again, club music in general sucks, so I guess that's to be expected. But yeah, the score here is shit, as is the soundtrack, too.

So...when all is said and done, guys, am I able to recommend "Chinese Speaking Vampires"? What the hell do you think? No, I am not gonna recommend this movie to *anybody*. It sucks as a horror comedy, the action sequences are dogshit, combined with the horrible editing and piss-poor camerawork, it all just leads into a fucking disaster of a movie. If you see this thing anywhere on DVD or online, do not waste your time in buying this or giving it a single viewing. It's 80 minutes of movie that you'll never get back, and it's definitely one of the worst horror comedies I've ever had the displeasure of watching. It sucks from top to bottom, and it kinda makes me yearn for a better horror comedy, because I haven't really run into one of those in a while. So, until I find another decent one, I'm just gonna go find one of the ones I already have on DVD. Perhaps I'll watch something like "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" and if I'm for up it later, I'll watch "Dead & Breakfast" afterwards. So yeah, I'm gonna go do that next, so I can feel a little happier for myself.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.