Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a made-for-television film from 1985. That movie is "Goldie and the Bears".
Now this movie has a little bit of an interesting history. See, this movie was originally made to serve as a pilot for a television series on ABC that never made it to airing. Now, whether it was due to a lack of viewers interest or not, ABC decided to turn it into a made-for-TV film instead. And after they finished airing it, it was never shown again. And it stayed that way for the better part of about 40 years or so before someone on YouTube discovered it and uploaded the entire thing onto their channel. I'll get a little more into that in a second.
Now admittedly, the main reason why I wanted to cover this movie was because it starred Hulk Hogan. And for those of you unaware, I have been doing a tradition for this series where I would cover at least one movie starring the Hulkster every July, and I have done this for at least several years now. Though in the case of last year, I covered two movies starring Hulk Hogan, because they were both part of the same series, AKA the "Shadow Warriors" movies. Well, this year, I have decided to go back to doing one movie, and this one peaked my interest because I had honestly never heard about this movie up until maybe a couple of months ago. And now I finally get to see if this thing is any good whatsoever.
Now, there's one other thing that I need to mention about the version of the movie I'm gonna be watching. See, there's actually 2 different versions of this movie that are available on YouTube. One of them runs almost an hour long, while another version runs at about 45 minutes. And there is a reason as to why that is. As I just mentioned, this was originally made as a made-for-TV film. And because it was made for TV, that means that the commercials that were running during the movie are also present for the nearly hour long version. I'm not gonna be watching that one, because the 45 minute version cuts out all of the commercials. So naturally, I'm gonna be watching that version instead, because I don't review TV commercials anyways. I really care more about the content of the film itself.
So with this in mind, I'm hoping for this thing to be decent. I don't really know if it's gonna be any good or not. I kinda have a feeling that it won't be, but who knows? It could still be fun in a cheesy sort of fashion. And the only way I'm gonna find out as to whether or not this thing will be any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Goldie and the Bears".
3 minutes later
OK, guys, now that we're at the opening credits, I can tell you right now that I had no clue what the fuck just happened! So, Goldie was being ambushed by a couple of these guys because...reasons. And Hogan, who just came from the trunk of the car, ends up saving Goldie along with the rest of his buddies, and afterwards, Goldie says to them that the job was well done. What job was that? I have no fucking clue. But I am gonna give this thing a chance and perhaps, maybe, we'll get something resembling a plot later.
14 minutes later
You know, guys, it's really not surprising to see how exactly this thing didn't get released until 4 decades later. And it's really noticeable too, because it seems like the film itself is being fast-forwarded at times. And I can't blame the version of it on YouTube, because this thing was mostly likely being taped as it was when the film first aired back in the mid-80's. Mind you, it's not entirely ruining the movie, but it's definitely kinda taking me out of it a bit. Just thought I'd let you guys know.
6 minutes later
So, Goldie, upon finding a surveillance van outside of her home, just turned on her vacuum cleaner so that she could talk with her friends about what's been going on, all the while keeping the people who have been monitoring her in the dark. I gotta say, that is somewhat of a creative plan...though how much of what she's able to tell them while the loud noise is going on is something I'm not entirely certain about. But hey. lesson learned, if someone's attempting to spy on you in that method, just turn on a vacuum cleaner and you'll most likely be in the clear. At least that's something worth noting, I guess.
4 minutes later
So, guys, um...this movie decided to skip ahead of itself by about 20 seconds. I can tell you that, because after the film came back from a non-existent commercial break, the movie skimmed through a scene where Goldie was talking with somebody who I've never seen before in this film up till now, along with a scene of them being monitored by the same people again, which then lead into the current scene with Hulk Hogan doing something on the computer. I really wish I could tell you what it was, but I honestly don't know because whoever recorded this thing decided to skip over it simply because...well, fuck you, that is why. Good god, that was just completely unnecessary!
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Goldie and the Bears". And uh, well...that was "Goldie and the Bears". So, let me go ahead and shut the film off here...OK. Well, um...good god, where do I even begin with this one?
You know what? I may as well just start with the elephant in the room. And that is the overall quality of the version that I watched on YouTube. Because I feel like this is most likely gonna sound like a deal-breaker to you guys for when I tell you how bad it really is. Now, in some fairness, I may be doing some speculating with it, so bear that in mind as I talk about it, because I may not be 100% with all of it. So, to start with, I'm once again not surprised by the fact that this thing was taped. Because, as I mentioned before, this movie was only aired once and it *never* aired again afterwards. So, unless if this thing was somehow released on VHS or DVD, which I highly doubt that, then this thing will never see a restoration with a clearer picture and better sound. And that's kind of a shame too because, had this thing gotten that treatment, I'm sure we wouldn't be getting the version that we have now. But then again, if this thing had never been shown again until now, I wouldn't have the chance to review it for you guys. So really..it's kind of a win-loss situation here. That said, I am at least thankful that this movie has some sort of release, and it's honestly better than nothing.
So with that said, I want to actually talk more in detail about the overall quality of the movie itself. And sticking with the version on YouTube, the picture quality is ridiculously fuzzy. Now again, what with what I just mentioned a moment ago, it's understandable as to why that is. And I've even covered movies for this series that had this sort of low quality to it. Two movies I can think of at the top of my mind are "Fright House" and "The Ladies Club". However, at least with those movies, they were still viewable in their current state. More so the latter, than the former, but that's besides the point. This movie, though, it's low quality is way too fucking noticeable for me to overlook. For starters, there are moments in the movie where it will fast-forward itself through certain scenes, such as the one I mentioned earlier. And it didn't just stop there. It happened at least a few different times, and I honestly don't know if it was because the person who recorded this had a drunk moment and just pressed the fast-forward button on their remote control or what have you, but it was completely *unnecessary*. And because of this, certain scenes are un-viewable because it was fast-forwarded. So I couldn't really tell you what Hogan was doing on the computer. *Maybe* he was trying to get information on something, but the context of it is completely missing, so I couldn't make heads or tails of it either way.
Now, setting aside the fast-forwarding issue, the issues with the picture quality don't end there. One scene I can remember is when Rhino was getting in the drivers seat of a moving truck, the analog distortion on the screen will show these black and white lines, and it overlays the entire screen for a moment until it fades away, and somehow, Rhino is now laying front-side on top of the moving truck! Like, how the fuck did he get up there so quickly?! I don't know, and maybe it was just a simple jump-cut. But I couldn't tell you if that was the case or not because of the black and white lines that overlaid the screen! It really is *that* bad, guys. Now I have no idea as to whether or not this movie was recorded on VHS, or possibly even Betamax, but whatever device this person recorded it from, it just looks awful. And again, I want to stress that I've seen movies with this kind of low quality before, but a lot of them looked a fuck ton better than this! This is just looks painfully bad, and it will definitely get in the way of your potential enjoyment out of this movie, if you ever decide to watch it.
And on that note, I may as well stop side-stepping the issue and try to talk about the actual content of the movie itself by discussing the writing. Now, if I had to summarize how the story is laid out, it's basically just a watered down episode of "The A-Team" series. Which makes sense, seeing as how this is a made-for-TV movie and all. However, I say that it's watered down, because, unlike the A-Team show, where it had a cast of characters who you could actually care about. this thing really doesn't have that. OK sure, it has Hulk Hogan in it, but even he can only carry this movie so far because his character in this movie is ridiculously bland. Then again, I can say that for about *all* of the characters in this movie. None of them have any interesting personalities that you could care about. They're all former football players who get formed together by their friend, Goldie, who ends up creating a Private Investigations Unit with them as her associates. Now that would be completely fine, however, the problem with this is that the movie really doesn't feel like an actual pilot episode. This thing really feels like a 2nd or 3rd season episode finale that really feels out of place here.
Now, to give you guys an example, there's a scene in the movie where Goldie meets up with a police detective she knows, and she's trying to convince him that her friend was killed by the people who run this toy company that he use to work with. However, he tells Goldie that her friend was already killed because of an accident involving some leaky plumbing or something like that. And it's here where we get a mountain of exposition between the two where Goldie use to work as a clerk in the police department. And the police chief claims that he got tired of her sticking her nose into his business, in which it later caused Goldie to leave and form her own agency, AKA the P.I.U. I mentioned earlier. And this conversation comes right out of nowhere, because it feels like there's suppose to be tension here between two characters that never really existed before then! Now perhaps if this movie had gotten picked up as a TV series, then I would've given it the benefit of the doubt to see how these two characters knew each other better. But since that didn't happen, this is one of the only scenes where we get this kind of interaction and, like I said, it just comes right the fuck out of nowhere.
And speaking of which, like I also mentioned before, her three friends and former pro football players don't really have any sort of depth or personality to their characters. Hogan's character, Mike, is suppose to be good with computers. And I probably would've believed that...had the scene I mentioned earlier didn't get fast-forwarded the way it did. So it's possible I may have missed his oh-so excellent computer skills, but I somehow doubt that. Rhino's shtick is that he's into motorcycles. And Walker's whole character is that he wants to become an actor after retiring from football. And that's...pretty much it for character depth. Everything else is centered around our plot, which probably would've been fine as, like, a season 2 or 3 episode, but to have it as your pilot film basically just feels ass-backwards to me. I mean, this was suppose to serve as a pilot of a television series, and if *this* is the best that this movie could give out, then I would completely understand as to why ABC didn't pick this show up as an actual series. Because this movie just didn't do a very good job in trying to sell you on it's premise.
So, if it hasn't been made clear already, the writing in this movie is just not that good. And as for acting, well, it ranges on kinda passable to being rather wooden. I would say the best actor would have to go to Julius Carry as Walker. Even though the script didn't give him much to work with, he at least put on a somewhat decent performance here. Same goes for Goldie's actress, as she also turned in an OK showing as well. But as for the other two noticeable actors, Rhino's actor only has one type of voice, in which he sounds like he was trying to give out some kind of weird southern accent, and he comes off as *incredibly* wooden while doing this. He was definitely the worst actor in this thing. And as for Hulk Hogan...well, I guess it was...OK. Mind you, he's wasn't great either, but I wouldn't exactly say he was the worst, so...I guess that's something. However, there was one thing about his performance that kinda bothered me a bit. For whatever reason, whenever he's about to go into action against the bad guys, he will do this oddball grunting whenever he's about to either slam someone or throw them across a room. I don't know why that it is, but to me, it sounded like, every time he did that, he was trying to take a shit in the bathroom. Don't ask me *why* I thought of that example, it just came to me. So...yeah, the acting from Hogan here is, oh, barely average at best. So overall, the acting in general almost leans towards being mediocre at best.
The action sequences are laughable at best and the stunt-work is rather questionable as well. I really couldn't recall any instances of noteworthy special effects, so I'm just gonna skip that one. Camerawork here is OK, minus the whole problem I mentioned involving the picture quality, the lighting is sorta average, the sound-mixing is kinda terrible, and most of that, again, ties into the moments where the movie fast-forwarded itself. And the music is mostly just forgettable. I couldn't remember a single piece of music that was in any way memorable or worth humming to, so yeah, I can just toss the score as being really forgettable.
And that's kinda what this movie ultimately is, just forgettable. So, when all is said and done, can I recommend "Goldie and the Bears"? In it's current condition, probably not. I say this, because of all the issues that are present within the picture quality. And I have this sneaking suspicion that the hour-long version is also gonna have the same problems as well. I'm not totally certain, but I can almost bet that to be the case. But even without that, the movie itself really isn't that good. As a pilot for a television series, it fails to sell the viewer on why they should get involved with the show. And not even Hulk Hogan can really save it either. Granted, I understand that Hogan isn't really known for his methodical acting skills, but I do know that, especially around the time that this movie was released, he was a big star in the WWF. That said, he's not enough of a reason to watch this movie. If you *seriously* have to watch it, the only versions that are available to you are on YouTube. Just be warned of what I already discussed. I sincerely doubt that this movie will ever get a physical re-release on DVD, Blu-ray, or even 4K. And even then, I don't think the people over at ABC even remembers this show existing, so I'm sure it's something that they want to keep buried in their vault as well. To which, I can't entirely blame them for that. This movie just kinda sucked. It's not the worst thing I've seen, despite the highly questionable picture quality, but it's not something I'm ever going to watch again.
So...anyway, I'm gonna go and find something better to do. Perhaps I'll just go and watch something else. Maybe I'll throw in my copy of one of the "Dirty Harry" movies or something. It has been a little while since I last watched one of them, so I may as well go do that next. Anything better than to waste time on this movie again.
And with that, guys, we finally come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.
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