Reaction & Review | Captain Marvel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, we close out this edition of "Tales of the Longbox" with something rather...unique. It's unique, because it's the first time I'm delving into this sort of genre. And you might already have an idea as to what it is, just based off the title and everything. But just in case, I should do the proper introduction first. Tonight's movie came out in 2019. That movie is "Captain Marvel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody".

And yes, guys, you are reading that title correctly. Tonight, I'm gonna be delving into the seedy world of porn. Not only that, but it's also a parody film of the "Captain Marvel" movie from the exact same year this thing came out in. Now I know, right off the bat, that you might have a couple of questions. First of all, why not just cover the "Captain Marvel" movie starring Brie Larson? Well, first of all, I have no interest in ever covering that MCU film, mostly because it looks boring as shit and Brie Larson herself can't really act. And the less said about me ever covering it's sequel "The Marvels", the better.

Another question you might be asking is why on Earth am I even covering a porno parody of an existing franchise? The short answer is...why the hell not? I mean, despite some peoples protests, porn is technically a film genre. But the longer answer is because I kinda just came across this thing by accident. Now yes, I could've covered another MCU film for this marathon, however, I usually try to limit one MCU film per marathon, and "Captain America" The First Avenger" took that slot. So, I wanted to find something different, whether it was an animated film or live action, as long as it was something I haven't seen before, then it's totally up for eligibility for this series. And well, this thing somehow came up, so I chose it out of random curiosity.

Now there is one other thing I wanted to touch upon before I dive right into this movie, and it has to do with part of the title. As you might notice, it's from a man named Axel Braun. I should mention, first and foremost, that I looked up this guy's filmography to see what kind of work he has done. And while there are a lot of films of his I've never heard of, he's also made a *ton* of porno parodies that consists of superheroes from both Marvel and DC. The list is a long one, so I'll just throw in a few of them down below. Some of those caught my interest and I *may* consider doing a review on some of those because they just sound stupidly promising.

"Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody"
"Superman vs. Spider-Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody"
"Avengers vs. X-Men XXX: An Axel Braun Parody"
"Suicide Squad XXX: An Axel Braun Parody"
"The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody"
"Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody"

But anyway, guys, um...I have no idea to expect from this thing, outside of the general premise being a porn parody. Especially of a character that I have little experience with. But hey, who knows, this thing could somehow end up being generally decent. And the only way I'm gonna find out if this thing is gonna be watchable at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Captain Marvel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody".

3 minutes later

You know, guys, I understand it's still early for me to be commenting on this, however, I can't help but notice the obvious green screen that's going on in the background as our two main characters, I'm going to assume, are having a sparring session. It's a little bit distracting, and I'm not totally sure if that's gonna be like that for the entire movie. And if it is, then it might end up being kind of a painful experience.

12 minutes later

By the way, guys, I probably should've mentioned this beforehand, but this movie is almost 2 hours long. Which is saying something, because so far, we've only had about 5 minutes of story, and the other 10 minutes is dedicated to our main characters fucking each other. And it's honestly kind of dull. I'm hoping, maybe, this film will pick up soon, but somehow, I kinda have my doubts about that.

9 minutes later

Thank Christ, that scene is over! I was gonna make another comment about how we're *still* on this scene, but thankfully, the film was gracious enough to move on with itself. Just...good lord, I never I'd say this about a porno film, but the pacing in this movie, so far anyway, is pretty abysmal.

5 minutes later

OK, guys, my knowledge about the Skrulls are pretty limited, but last I checked, they were suppose to be green-skinned. And if that's the case, then shouldn't their dicks be green as well? I probably wouldn't be asking this sort of question, except their faces are completely covered in shadow while Captain Marvel is busy sucking them off. I understand it's probably just me nitpicking, but it's honestly kind of bugging me a little bit, you know what I mean?

4 minutes later

OK, so they *do* have green faces like I thought they would. Granted, it still doesn't really make any sense as to why their dicks aren't green as well, but you know what? I'm not going to continue bitching about that, because it'll just hurt my head the more I do.

15 minutes later

Well, guys, I believe I just picked up another pattern when it comes to this movie's attempt at humor, in which they are *explaining* the references as to what's supposedly being made fun of. Good lord, this is starting to hurt...and we're not even an hour into the film yet. This is pretty painful, guys.

15 minutes later

So, guys, the movie's now making fun of how Captain Marvel went from wearing a blue and black outfit to wearing the standard red and blue costume she's most known for nowadays. And you know what? That would've been really funny...if again, they weren't explaining the fucking joke! God damn...I really thought we got past the Friedberg and Seltzer shit, but apparently, when it comes to this movie, I was totally fucking wrong.

18 minutes later

You know what, guys, at this point, I just want this stupid movie to end. The jokes are still unfunny, the sex scenes are surprisingly dull, and I have been given very little reason to care as to what's going on in this movie. I want something to happen in this movie that's gonna be deemed as partially interesting. Doesn't have to be good, just interesting enough for me to make me care! That's all I'm asking for.

11 minutes later

Oh my god...OK, guys, I am gonna say, so far, that the costuming here is actually pretty good. Except now, I'm looking at Captain Marvel wearing a ridiculously hideous-looking cowl over her face. And yet, somehow...it actually is the most interesting part of the movie. Oh, and Deadpool's in this movie, too, now for...some reason. And his costume is almost accurate to the actual "Deadpool" movies as well. That's...pretty damn impressive.

The Review

Oh...thank you, God, it's over. Well, guys, that was "Captain Marvel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody". I can finally shut this garbage off...OK. So, um...where the hell to even start with this thing? Well, I partially knew what I was getting myself into here, what with it being a porno parody and all. But after actually getting a chance to watch this thing, it was...different than what I was expecting. And definitely *not* in a good way either.

So let's try to get into this thing by talking about the writing. And right off the bat, I should mention that this movie barely has any story, if at all. Now granted, I understand when it comes to porno films, story is the last thing that anyone should expecting out of it. You *could* get a good story out of a porno flick, but that rarely ever happens. And when it comes to this movie, I was honestly expecting more out of it. Now yes, this movie has a *ton* of hardcore sex scenes. I'm gonna get more into that in a second. But part of the reason why I wanted to watch this movie was simply because of the fact that this was suppose to be a parody film of the MCU's version of "Captain Marvel". I wanted to see how exactly they could make fun of something that was, at the time anyway, one of the most financially successful films of the MCU before "Avengers: Endgame". Now like I mentioned earlier, I haven't seen "Captain Marvel" before and I still have no interest in ever watching it. But I do remember a few things about it beforehand that was pointed out by people on the internet, such as Brie Larson barely showing any emotions in the movie, or why exactly she was wearing a green costume, or how the movie was trying to promote itself as a "feminist" movie that was going to change the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And while some of the stuff I just mentioned is joked about in the movie, the way that they go about it is, well...shit, to it put it lightly.

In fact, let's actually talk about this movie's attempt at humor, because this is where the writing falls apart very quickly. And one of the big reasons why it falls apart is because it basically goes the route of Friedberg and Seltzer, where they have to announce what they're referencing and it kills whatever joke the movie was trying to go for. One example I can think of is right at the beginning of the movie where Captain Marvel and her sparring buddy are training with each other, and her partner explains to her that the implant device she's wearing looks exactly like the device from "Thor: Ragnarok" and Marvel's "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.". Now that one I didn't get, because I've never seen either "Thor: Ragnarok" or any episode of "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." But still, the very fact he tells her what it looks like and where it came from automatically makes the joke completely useless. Another example I can remember is when Captain Marvel first crash lands on Earth. And the first person she meets is suppose to be Samuel L. Jackson's character from "Pulp Fiction", because the guy has the exact same hairstyle and the exact same mannerisms. Except, when she contacts her partner from space, she directly *states* that the guy looks like Samuel L. Jackson's character from "Pulp Fiction". Again, guys, I really thought we got past this shit with Friedberg and Seltzer, but I guess some people thought his style of humor by directly announcing what they're referencing was suppose to be still funny in 2019. But it really isn't. 

The movie also goes out of it's way to reference it's self-awareness. Like I mentioned earlier, they go after Brie Larson and the stuff that fans had already pointed out about the MCU version of the movie. And most of this happens in a dream sequence, in which some sultry lady explains to Captain Marvel that the reason why she's in a red and blue costume is because they had to do a bunch of re-shoots, because the green costume was getting in the way of the obvious green-screen that was supposedly taking place in the dream sequence. And like I said, that probably would've been really funny, except, again, they had to explain the fucking joke! Now if they wanted to be more subtle with their references, instead of actually explaining the whole green-screen bit, what they could've done was have the sultry lady simply flip a switch on and off to show the obvious green-screen effects without actually having trying to explain it to Captain Marvel. Or going back to the whole shtick about the guy looking like Samuel L. Jackson's character from "Pulp Fiction", the movie could've had it where Captain Marvel doesn't obviously reference who the character is while the guy imitating Jackson is busy quoting lines from "Pulp Fiction". It could've been handled much better that way. It wouldn't necessarily make the movie any good, but at least the jokes would've been handled a little better.

Speaking of which, let's talk about the other reason why this movie falls apart, which would have to be it's runtime. Now admittedly, I'm not exactly a porn aficionado, so I may not be the best person to judge on how someone should be constructing their sex scenes. But being that this thing is suppose to be a parody film of a popular movie, I wasn't expecting an excessive amount of it. Now I am not complaining that they exist in the movie or anything. I mean, it's still a porno film at the end of the day. It's just that these particular scenes go on for *way* too fucking long. In fact, I could imagine that if you had cut out all of the sex scenes in this movie, then this thing would run at just under an hour long, probably even shorter than that. I've heard some other porno parodies actually do this where people just edit out all the sex scenes and you would have a much better paced movie. Granted, it would kinda destroy the concept of them being a porno flick, but at least they would flow better. And this movie honestly needed to be trimmed down some. There is no reason to have this movie go on for almost 2 hours. And I probably wouldn't have a problem with this, except the sex scenes themselves are boring as shit. Which admittedly, you could summarize the entirety of this movie with, but you get my point. It honestly could've been trimmed down to about an hour and a half, and it probably would've been better paced. But again, I am not really a porno maestro here, so what the hell do I know?

Beyond that, guys, the writing here, in terms of a parody film, is complete shit. The humor falls flat on it's face, what with it's constant need to announce what they're referencing. And as a porno flick, it's boring as fuck to watch. Which is something I would never expect to say out of a porno flick, but here we are. So with that said, let's talk about the acting. And again, this is gonna be a bit harder to analyze because, much like with writing, acting in a porno film is not something you should really be expecting. I guess the best way I can summarize the acting here is that it isn't necessarily good, but I can't really hold that against any of the actors, because you can really only work with so much when it comes to writing in a porno film. So I'm gonna give some of the bad acting a bit of a pass here, partially because I haven't really seen enough porno flicks to gauge an opinion on that. So again, the acting here isn't really that good, but it's not something I can really harp on too much either.

Special effects here are mostly cheap-looking. Now I can kinda understand why it looks cheap, because this movie was working with a very small budget, I'm going to assume. So you have CG here that looks ugly as shit, and the green-screen is actually the worst part of the movie. Now I mentioned earlier about the scene in which Captain Marvel and her sparring partner are training from behind an obvious-looking green-screen. Well, the green-screen looked a hell of a lot better there when compared to a later scene in which Fury and Captain Marvel are driving. And during this entire sequence, you can actually see the blurriness around Fury most of the time while he's driving, which makes the compositing of these shots look *awful*. I mean, they looked noticeably awful. And I don't know if that was suppose to be intentional or not, or if that really was just a case of terrible green-screening. But either way, the green-screen effects are probably the worst part about the special effects. The costuming, on the other hand, is actually pretty good. Captain Marvel's costume looks great in particular and Deadpool's costume looks almost exactly like the one Ryan Reynolds wears in his movies. Monica Rambeau's costume is probably the only one here that looks kinda cheap and shit-looking. But honestly, it's not too much of a complaint from me, so it's fine enough to what the actress had to work with. Otherwise, guys, the costuming here is fine for low budget standards, but the special effects overall are not very good.

Camerawork here is decent, minus a bit of shaky cam in certain scenes. The lighting here is decent. The sound-mix is little bit screwy in one particular scene where Captain Marvel and Monica Rambeau fight for a short time, and Monica ends up yelling something at Captain Marvel. However, the sound quality takes a little bit of a dump here because you can hear some of the background noise going on as this happens. I don't know if that was a case of poor boom-mic control or what, but it is rather noticeable, at least, to me, it is. The music here is pretty damn forgettable, too. I really couldn't remember a single piece of music that was in any way memorable. Most of the movie is silent when it comes to it's sex scenes, and the non-sex scenes don't really offer much in terms of passable music. So I guess I can say the music kinda sucks, and it's just really forgettable.

Ultimately, guys, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Captain Marvel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody"? Personally, no. Like I've mentioned a couple of times already, I'm not exactly a porn expert, so this stuff isn't exactly catered to me. That, plus I'm not that big a fan of the Captain Marvel character. However, if you are somehow into this kind of stuff, then you can probably find it somewhere online for free. Or you could find it on DVD or Blu-ray if you really are willing to spend money on a physical copy of this thing. But for everyone else, I would just say avoid this thing, especially if you're not into this kind of genre of film-making. And even if that wasn't the case, the humor is really poorly written, and the sex scenes themselves are way too long and are boring as shit. Perhaps maybe if I had focused on a different character in the Marvel universe, I probably would've had a better time with this. Like I said, I'm not a fan of Captain Marvel, and this movie didn't really make things better for me when it comes to this character. So, with that said, I'm gonna go and watch something better. I don't know, maybe I'll just go throw in my copy of "Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D." or something. Who knows? At least it'll be a better viewing experience than the stuff I had to suffer through for almost 2 hours.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of this year's "Tales of the Longbox" marathon. My god, did I ever pick a movie to end a marathon with, but hey, at least it was something different for this series. And speaking of which, we are very close to approaching 200 episodes of this series. Holy shit, is that gonna be a fucking milestone. I cannot wait to get around to it. But for now, guys, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.