Reaction & Review | Yoga Hosers

Welcome, one and all, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a horror comedy from 2016. That movie is "Yoga Hosers".

Now, truth be told, I didn't know anything about this movie's existence up until about a couple of months ago. I was just browsing through my local mini-mall one day and I happened to discover a copy of this movie, which only costed about $2 for me to buy. And there's a couple of reasons why I wanted to cover this movie. For starters, the plot to this thing is about some sort of Nazi splinter group raising an army of monsters under this convenience store that our two female leads run. Which sounds pretty interesting by itself.

Speaking of our female leads, that brings me into the second reason why I wanted to cover this thing. See, our two leading ladies go by the names of Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp. And both of them are related to two other cast members that are also in this movie. The first one is Johnny Depp, who is pretty self-explanatory, considering he's one of the most well-known actors in the world. He's related to Lily-Rose Depp, because she is Johnny's daughter. The second cast member is Kevin Smith, who is a director mostly known for films such as the 3 "Clerks" movies, and he's had cameos in many other films that are too many to count. He's related to Harley Quinn Smith, because she's also Kevin Smith's daughter. I should also mention that he's also the writer and director for this movie, as well. Now, I know some people don't exactly have a high opinion on Kevin Smith, mostly in regards to the He-Man controversy from about a year or so ago. However, seeing as how I have no attachments to the He-Man franchise, it doesn't really bother me as much.

But anyway, like I just mentioned, he's the writer and director for this movie, and this is the first time I'm ever watching a film directed by Kevin Smith. I don't know how well this movie's gonna go over for me, personally, but I am gonna find out momentarily. I'm also curious to see whether or not these two ladies can even act and put on a decent performance here, considering the relationship they share with their fathers. And the only way I'm gonna find out the answers to any of my curiosities, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Yoga Hosers".

2 minutes later

So, guys, the movie's just started, and I can already tell you that our two leading ladies can't sing. I know you guys can't hear this for obvious reasons, but their singing REALLY sucks. Now that may be the intention here, in the fact that they're not very good singers, but I'm kinda hoping that this doesn't turn into a musical now. Otherwise, if I get more singing like this, then this might be a bit of painful experience here.

8 minutes later

So this yoga instructor's name is "Yogi Bayer"...? That has got to be one of the laziest pun names I have ever heard of! And here I thought "Ali Gator" was a lazy name for a Garbage Pail Kid, but "Yogi Bayer" is definitely in the running for the title of laziest creative name ever. That name is just stupid as hell.

7 minutes later

Well, guys, unfortunately, we do have another song here by our two ladies. Plus side is, at least it's not as bad as that first song was. The bad news, however, is that they still can't sing very well. In fact, listening to more of their singing here, it actually is beginning to sound rather tone deaf. And it's kinda making this slightly decent-sounding song here sound a little bit worse.

15 minutes later

I am gonna say this much, guys. Johnny Depp's performance as this man-hunter so far has been REALLY fucking good. In fact, Johnny Depp's character is probably the only likable character I've run into so far. Everyone else, including our two leading actresses...not so much. I'm hoping that they get better as the film goes on. But as of right now, I've only found ONE likable character in this movie so far, and that's kinda depressing, really.

5 minutes later

So, guys, this movie just came out and admitted that the name Yogi Bayer IS indeed a lazy name, and also, apparently, he was on the phone with Warner Bros. lawyers, because they felt like he was infringing copyright with the name sounding too familiar to their trademarked character. And you know what? That joke probably would've been really funny...if they didn't just come out and EXPLAIN the fucking joke! Jesus Christ...did Kevin Smith actually even think about that when he was writing this thing? Apparently not, since, so far, this supposed comedy has yet to make me laugh, and I don't even know if it's going to at this point.

2 minutes later

Is that Kevin Conroy?! Legendary voice of "Batman" Kevin Conroy? What the fuck is Kevin Conroy even doing in this movie?! Dude...I know you're sadly not with us anymore, but I want to know what kind of a bet you lost in order to appear in this fucking movie? I'm REALLY curious here, and I honestly believe I'm never gonna get an answer for that.

11 minutes later

There's even a Stan Lee cameo in this thing, too...? Guys, I would normally appreciate something like this, but it STILL isn't funny. Granted, it's one of the more interesting parts of the movie, but there's no joke here! It's just cameo appearances because...well...fuck you, that's why! Holy shit, guys, I really thought this was gonna be better than what it was, but no! This thing is becoming worse with each passing moment, and I don't even know if I'm even gonna garner a SMILE at this point. This is just horrible...!

16 minutes later

Guys, if I ever get the chance to meet Kevin Smith, I want to ask him specifically what made him think that ANY of this shit was suppose to be funny? They're STILL explaining jokes and references that anybody with some basic knowledge about movies would already know. This is NOT good writing, and the more that they continue to explain jokes, the more that I'm hating this movie with each passing moment. And I honestly cannot wait for this piece of shit to end.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Yoga Hosers". And...good lord, we're actually closing out this movie with our two female leads singing again...no, shut up. I'm done listening listening to your awful singing ladies. Fuck you! Jesus Christ...well, so...what the fuck do I even begin with? Like, seriously? What the fuck do I even start with?!

You know what? I'm just gonna try to go through this the old fashioned way. Let's start with the writing. And the first thing I have to get out of the way is this: There is no story here. I'm not kidding when I say this, guys, there literally is NO story here whatsoever. The premise that I described to you guys earlier is mostly just an afterthought up until about the last 30 minutes or so of the movie. And by that point, my interest for this film almost drained me completely because this story really does nothing of interest whatsoever. It tries to play itself off as a wacky horror comedy, but nothing about this movie is even in funny the slightest. The closest thing I ever got to a chuckle was when someone referenced a Canadian website that features body parts being cut open. But even then, I didn't smile or anything, because it was just a moment that really left no impact on me. The rest of the movie tried and FAILED to be funny, and by the time that the movie got to it's final climax, I started to doze off, because this movie is that fucking boring. It's only 88 minutes long, however, since this movie has no fucking plot to speak of, it just dragged on and on, desperately trying to be this campy, bullshit comedy starring our two female leads. And I normally LOVE campy humor, but this shit is not the fun kind of camp that I love when it comes to comedies. This thing is almost anti-comedy at best, and while I will admit that I have never seen any of Kevin's Smith's other films, this movie is almost kinda making me dread watching his other movies. And that's pretty sad to think of, especially considering that this is the first one of his movies that I ever had the chance to watch.

Now since I keep mentioning the comedy not being funny, let's touch upon the film's humor some more. Specifically, I want to talk about how the movie handles references and jokes. You see, guys, one of the golden rules about comedy that you should already know about is that you should NEVER explain a joke after you tell it. Because once you do that, the joke instantly dies. And this movie commits that cardinal sin in spades. One of them I already mentioned earlier is when Yogi Bayer is on the phone with someone over at Warner Bros. because his name sounds too similar to the cartoon character of Yogi Bear. And after he gets off the phone, one of the Colleen sisters asks why he was on the phone with Warner Bros.? And he basically explains the entire joke as I told you already, which kills the joke instantly. Although thinking about it again...I'm curious as to how one of the sisters even knew that Yogi was on the phone with someone over at Warner Bros.? But honestly, that's the LEAST of this movie's problems. Getting back to the movie's humor, at one point, our villain has our heroines, along with the man-hunter, captured at a secret underground Nazi base under the convenience store that our two heroines run. And as he's talking, he'll switch up voices by impersonating famous celebrities such as Sylvester Stallone, Ed Wynn, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Adam West. And on that first one, the man-hunter is basically *telling* our two heroines that the villain is impersonating Stallone's character from "Rocky" because our villain quoted the line "Yo, Adrian!". Again, anybody that has any basic knowledge of movies don't need to be told this, because they're smart enough NOT to be handheld through these all of these references that get spoon-fed to them, because this movie doesn't know how to handle references correctly!

While I'm on the subject of humor, this movie also deals with shit like toilet humor, internet humor, and even stereotyping Canadians. And all of that would be fine if it was written better, but it's not, because Kevin Smith doesn't know how to write any of that properly here. The worst of it comes from the last one, and I'm gonna have to warn some people here, specifically any Canadian viewers who might happen to read this. If, on the occasion, that you end up watching this movie, this movies feels incredibly *offensive* towards Canada. Now coming from someone who is not Canadian, this doesn't apply to me personally. But any Canadian who ends up watching this movie will probably end up hating it more than they should, because this movie will go after the tired tropes of Canadians having thick accents when they speak (which I'll talk more about later when I get to the acting) and anytime that they have to say the word 'aboot'. Oh yeah, that one hasn't gotten tired, hasn't it? Hell, even on a couple of occasions, they'll end up saying the word normally instead of 'aboot'. But again, it's not a tired trope at all, I assure you. They'll also have other lazy pun names like "Pucky Charms", which gets shown multiple times throughout the entire movie. And on two occasions, this movie will tell the exact same joke about how some celebrity, who I *think* is suppose to be Kevin Bacon (not totally sure), buying bacon at a grocery store. It wasn't funny the first time, and it sure as hell wasn't funny when the movie told the exact some joke almost beat for beat the second time.

Now as for our characters, well, none of them have any real depth or personality to speak of. Our two main sisters, both named Colleen, talk as if they've never interacted with people in their lives. Which *kinda* makes sense, considering that they're on their phones most of the time, and complain whenever they get their phones confiscated. Our man-hunter, played by Johnny Depp, mostly talks as if he's mumbling most of the time. And we have our villain, whose story is basically that he was a Nazi that wanted to become an artist. But because critics didn't like his work, he was basically hidden underground so that he could use this base to create an army of Nazi clones in order to conquer Canada and the United States within 100 years. But that was cut short by about 30 years, because not only was his Nazi underground base hidden right under the convenience store that our two leading ladies run, but it was also right under the bathroom where our two ladies practice their singing. Then something went wrong involving a power outage, and thus his clone army ended up turning into sausage Nazis, AKA Bratzis. And no, I am not making *any* of that up. Oh, and one other thing I want to mention about the movie's humor. You see, the main villain was originally cryogenically frozen for 70 years because he wanted to make sure his army was fully developed within 100 years. But like I mentioned, it was cut short because of what I had already discussed. Now I also mentioned earlier about how our villain can do celebrity impressions. Do you want to know how he got those impressions and spoke perfect English? Well, the answer is, and I'm not kidding here...he watched everything off Netflix. Again, no, I am *not* making any of that up. That is the level of depth that our villain has in this movie.

Now, I could ask a bunch of questions about this, such as how the hell did he get a Netflix account, and how was he able to watch *everything* off there, where I'm pretty sure it's not really all that possible to watch everything off of Netflix. If he had said YouTube instead of Netflix, it would've been slightly more believable, but still, the origin of all this is really fucking stupid, and I refuse to go further into depth on this, because my brain's just fucking hurting attempting to explain that shit. Overall, guys, the writing in this movie is just fucking horrible. The humor feels like Kevin Smith was taking a page out of Friedberg and Seltzer, what with the mishandling of references and jokes, and thought it would be a good idea to emulate that kind of humor for this film. Which is what ultimately brings this movie down because most of, if not all of the jokes here weren't funny in the slightest. And the story here goes fucking plotless up until the last third of the movie, and it has no actual payoff. But then again, considering that the humor itself has no payoff, I guess I shouldn't be surprised either way.

So with all that being said, let's touch upon the acting. And the first thing I want to mention are the accents. Now again, I could see that this movie was trying to have the actors putting on thick, sometimes borderline offensive, Canadian accents, and that part doesn't necessarily bother me as much. But, here's where I do have a problem with it. You see, while almost everyone in this movie is trying to put on a Canadian accent, our two leading actresses don't have *any* accents. At times they'll say the word 'aboot', but at no point do they EVER have any Canadian accents. Which is baffling, considering that their Dad also speaks with a Canadian accent. So unless he married an American woman, I don't see the excuse as to why our two leading actresses don't support any accents. But anyway, setting aside the questionable accents, what about the acting itself? Well honestly, even though I can rail on this horrible writing all I want, the acting was actually rather tolerable. Mind you now, the acting here isn't great by any stretch, but just about everyone here turned in the best showing that they could, considering the god-awful scripts that they were given. So really, I can't fault any of the actors here for not trying, because it seemed like they were trying to have fun with such a shitty script. And I would even include our two leading actresses, who certainly did try as well. Again, they weren't great, but I can at least say that they kinda tried here. So overall, I can say that the acting here is passable, and I commend the entire cast here for trying.

When it comes to special effects, I have to talk about the Bratzis. When it comes to them, the special effects are a mixed bag at best. I should mention that they are all played solely by Kevin Smith. And the Braztis themselves are as small as sausage, which sort of makes sense considering the backstory behind them. Now I will say that when it comes to the composite shots, most of them look OK, and I can imagine that Kevin Smith had to do a lot of improvisation in order make these characters look believable, in the sense that there are many of them moving around on their own. There might've been one or two instances where it looked like Kevin Smith was in front of a noticeable green screen, but honestly, those shots are mostly minor, especially if you're someone who is not looking for them. Now while I can say that the composite shots look decent, the CG on how they die looks like cheap dated shit that would've looked terrible by 2006 standards. Now yes, I understand that this movie was probably filmed on a low budget of $5,000,000, but this thing was made in 2016! There is almost no excuse to have CG looking this terrible. My guess is that a good portion of that budget was used to get Stan Lee here to do his usual cameo appearances and that's it. And whatever else that was used here in terms of budget definitely did NOT go into the special effects.

So anyway, beyond all that, camerawork here is pretty good. The lighting is lit perfectly fine. The sound-mix is mixed fine. The music here is OK, minus any attempts at our actresses singing. I'm going to say this again, in case it hasn't already been made clear, the singing from these two ladies is *terrible*. Like I mentioned earlier, they sound rather tone deaf about 95% of the time. I do think that one of the actresses has the potential to sound amazing with their singing, which would be Lily-Rose Depp. She actually sounds like she's trying to carry a note. But when you add Harley Quinn Smith to the mix, she sounds fucking *worse*, because Harley sounds like she's never sung anything in her fucking life. Now I'm not gonna go into the conspiracy that the only reason she's in this movie is because of her Dad, but maybe Kevin or someone else should've considered the idea that Harley Quinn Smith should never sing again in front of a film camera ever again, because she just sounds awful when she attempts to sing.

Ultimately, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Yoga Hosers"? No. There is no way in hell I can recommend this movie to anyone. As a comedy, it fails miserably because of the explained jokes and half-hearted references. The cameos, while interesting, didn't make me smile. It just made me kinda lose a little bit of respect for those people that had to appear in this god-awful thing. I don't really know if I could recommend this to fans of Kevin's Smith's films, because this is the only one I've ever seen from him. Speaking of which, I've also heard that this movie is some sort of spin-off of another movie from Kevin Smith called "Tusk", because, apparently, Johnny Depp's character in this movie was also in that film as well. And after watching this thing, I have no interest in ever watching "Tusk", because I fear it's probably gonna be more of the same. This is, by far, one of the *worst* comedies I have ever seen, and it just kinda makes me yearn to go watch a better horror comedy. And I've got plenty of options to choose from my DVD collection. And considering that we are in the Christmas spirit right now, I'm gonna go and watch my copy of "Jack Frost", AKA the horror comedy from 1997 about a killer snowman. That thing is far more funny than this thing could ever be. So I'm gonna go and do that next after I get done putting this review together.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.