Reaction & Review | Red Sonja

Welcome, one and all, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentleman, I'm gonna be covering a fantasy film from 1985. That movie is "Red Sonja".

Now, I'm not too familiar with the character of Red Sonja. From what I could gather, she started life back in the 1970's over at Marvel Comics. And Marvel published comics about Red Sonja up until about 1986. I'm gonna get back to that part in a bit, because I have a theory about something regarding that. But anyway, aside from a single one-shot that Marvel published in 1995, this character really didn't get much of any spotlight up until Dynamite Entertainment came along and took the character under their wing, and they've been publishing Red Sonja comics all the way through today. At least at the time that I'm writing this review, anyways.

So anyway, aside from comics, in regards to movies, there's only about 2 Red Sonja movies that exist. One of them is an animated film that I had no idea even existed up until I started to do research going into this movie. And speaking of which, there's also this movie that I'm gonna be watching tonight. I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than who stars in it. One of them is Brigitte Nielsen, who plays our lead character. And the other cast member is Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have no idea if that's gonna be a good thing or not, but I'll find out eventually when I start watching the movie.

Before I do that, though, there is a theory that I do want to touch upon. Mind you, this is all just a theory, so you have to take it for what it's worth. You see, as I mentioned earlier, this movie came out in 1985. And about a year after this movie came out, Marvel stopped publishing comics about Red Sonja. And I can't help but wonder if this movie was the one responsible for damaging this character's reputation? Because not a lot of people were very kind to this movie, both fans and critics alike. And because of this film's negative reception, part of me wonders if this movie was so bad that Marvel was forced to stop publishing Red Sonja comics to a point where they had to, basically, shelve this character for almost 20 years, before Dynamite Entertainment came along and gave the character's reputation back? I don't know, and I could be totally wrong on all this, but it does leave me very curious.

I don't really know what to expect from this movie, guys. I kinda have my doubts about this thing being any good, what with it's questionable reputation and all, but it still might be interesting on a laughably bad level. I have no idea if this movie is gonna end up meeting those standards, but the only I'm gonna find out is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Red Sonja".

16 minutes later

All right, guys, I think now is the perfect time to mention this as any. The costuming in this movie looks like shit. Most of the armor on all of these knights look terrible, the helmets look overly detailed, and the costuming on this old guy that I just saw looks ridiculous as all hell. And the worst about this is that I'm gonna have to get use to this horrible costuming for the next hour and 10 minutes or so.

7 minutes later

Jesus Christ, the acting in this movie is fucking terrible. Mind you, I was kinda expecting this from Arnold, but shockingly, the acting from Brigitte Nielsen is even worse! Holy shit, guys...I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to get use to this horrible acting, especially if it's coming from our two main leads. This is gonna hurt...

13 minutes later

Wait, are those guys wearing blue jeans? It's kinda hard to tell, but it really looks like a couple of these guys are wearing blue jeans. I didn't know jeans existed back in the middle ages, but hey, I guess you learn something new everyday, don't ya?

18 minutes later

You know, guys, you would think that a scene where our heroes battling for their lives against a sea creature would be kinda cool and interesting, but no. It's fucking boring as shit. Then again, this entire movie has been boring as shit, and I still haven't been given a reason to care about anything as to what's been going on. I really hope as we get closer to the final act, it's gonna get more interesting from there, but somehow, I really don't think it's going to.

18 minutes later

Guys, I'd just like to state right now that out of all the characters in this movie, Prince Tarn is the one I want the most dead. He has been painfully annoying since he's been on camera, and I just want him dead. I totally understand that it's probably not going to happen, but I can at least dream of it, can I?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Red Sonja". Thank god, it's over. Let me go ahead and shut this crap off...OK. Jesus Christ, that was boring. So...um, what to even start with? So...you guys happen to remember my theory about how this movie supposedly damaged this character's reputation to a point where Marvel stopped publishing comics about this character for a long time? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that theory turned out to be true. Because this movie is just garbage, and it's not even the fun kind of garbage you can laugh at for almost 90 minutes.

So anyway, let's just get into this movie by talking about the writing. Now, going into this movie, I originally thought that this story was going to be an origin story for our main character Red Sonja. Because since it is a common trope for comic book movies, you would expect that kind of thing to happen here, too. And while that does happen, it's very one and done. Because we're first introduced to this ghostly spirit that visits Sonja, who explains to her that her home was burned down and her family was killed by Queen Gedren's forces. Sonja tried to fight back by leaving a cut mark across Queen Gedren's face after she refuses to be in her army. And then she's met with what I just mentioned, along with her being raped by Queen Gedren's soldiers and then leaving her for dead. And after that happens, the ghostly spirit tells Sonja that in order to get vengeance against Queen Gedren, she's going to bestow her the ability to fight, as long as she never falls in love with a man until she's beaten in a fair fight by him. By the way, I should mention that we NEVER learn about anything about this ghostly spirit that visits Sonja. Like, how is she able to grant Sonja the ability to fight? Where did she originally come from? Is it normal for this ghostly spirit to just grant anyone powers to someone who's gone through hell by Queen Gedren and her soldiers? Or is it just because fuck you, that's why? I don't know. My guess would be the latter option, but I have no idea if that was a thing in the comics or not. If it was, then I kinda hope there's a better explanation for it. Otherwise, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Now the reason why I say that Red Sonja's origin story is just one and done is because that entire explanation I just gave out happens within about five minutes, and then the story kinda kicks off from there after we get through the opening credits. I say 'kinda', because the story then becomes a very safe, by the numbers fantasy movie. Where it's not really doing anything new or different, so it ends up becoming a very standard fantasy movie. And if it was just that, then I wouldn't have had a problem with that. However...there really isn't much of a story here. This movie is damn near plotless, outside of a talisman that was stolen by Queen Gedren's soldiers that's able to destroy the world, and Queen Gedren wants it for herself for it's power. And we learn all that from Sonja's sister, who ends up dying after she tells all this to her, and that she has 13 days to destroy the talisman, otherwise the world will be destroyed. And once she's been told all this, the story just comes to a dead stop because nothing of interest really happens here. Our characters are all fucking shallow and lifeless. You'd think after what we learned about Sonja's backstory, we'd have a reason to care about her. But no, her personality in this movie has all the likability of a kitchen sponge. And it barely, if at all, changes throughout this entire movie. Then we have Kalidor, who is Schwarzenegger's character in this movie. What's funny about him is that even though he takes up most of the space you see on the front cover, he's BARELY in this movie. He shows a few times in the beginning portion of the movie. He then later disappears throughout the entire middle of it after fighting some soldiers wearing some really goofy-looking fish armor, which I'll talk about later when I get to costuming. And then he comes back randomly during the third act while our other characters are trying to fight off this sea creature, who is actually a machine. Don't ask why, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.

Speaking of which, that leads into our other two characters, Prince Tarn and his aide Falkon. Jesus Christ, this prince is one of the most irritating child characters I ever came across in this entire movie. And what's sad about all this is the fact that we have to put up with his annoying ass throughout a majority of the entire movie. I really thought that, since Schwarzenegger was advertised for this movie, he would be more of a focus and that we might see some conflict between him and Sonja. However, that gets kneecapped because the two writers for this movie thought it would be a much better idea to have an annoying young prince be more of a focus than Schwarzenegger. And sadly, nothing really bad happens to this prince, which I'm not too happy about, personally, but whatever. What I'm also not happy about is the dialogue. Let's talk about the dialogue, shall we? Dialogue in this movie is fucking horrible. Most of that could be attributed to the terrible acting, but what also makes it terrible is that, on certain occasions, our characters would state the fucking obvious. For example, when Sonja is first about to choose her sword, the Grand Master that teaches her in the art of combat states that a good swordsman needs a good sword. Really now? Next thing you'll tell me is that she needs the fucking Master Sword to defeat Queen Gedren for all I know. But anyway, there is that. Also, when her sister finally dies after telling her that she needs to go to Queen Gedren's castle and destroy the talisman, Kalidor puts a hand on her shoulder and tells her that she's dead. Thanks Kalidor, I NEVER would've known that if you hadn't told us. And my favorite one of the bunch has to be when Sonja and Kalidor are battling the sea monster. After they rip out it's eyes, Kalior tells Prince Tarn and Falkon to get out of here, because the sea creature is blind. No shit the creature's fucking blind, Kalidor! Anyone with a pair of functioning eyes could've seen that for themselves!

Jesus Christ, guys, the writing in this movie is fucking terrible. Combine all that with characters who are shallow and bland as all hell, and dialogue which is just terrible beyond words, and you have, basically, a really poorly written movie. And top of all THAT, we also have the acting. Oh dear heavenly fuck the acting...where do I even start with this? Well, I guess I should state that I wasn't expecting miracles from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because his acting, at least to me, has never been that good. And because he wasn't in this movie for a good portion of it, I can give him a slight pass here. The same, however, can't be said for anyone else. The acting from everybody else in this movie is just awful. The two noticeable ones have to go to Prince Tarn and Sonja. Prince Tarn's actor falls into a trap that a lot of child actors fall into. You see, I've stated before that if you're working with a child actor, and that child actor is gonna be the focus of any movie that you work on, you better make damn sure that your child actor can at least put on a passable performance. Because if they don't, then you're running the risk of them bringing your entire movie down. And, lull and behold, Prince Tarn's actor falls into that category very easily. He is a terrible child actor, and his acting did not improve as the film went along. And yet, somehow, he's not the worst actor in this movie. That honor goes Brigitte Nielsen as Sonja. Now, guys...I am not kidding when I say this, but every single line of dialogue she gives out sounds overly stilted and incredibly robotic. There is no emotion in her voice when she's giving out her lines, and all of it sounds fucking painful to listen to. Now, I have no idea if that's how she naturally sounds like when acting, or if the material she was given wasn't good enough for her character, but she was in no way the right person to play Sonja. OK yes, she has the red hair of Sonja, but you could've gotten anybody else in that role, and either dyed their hair red, or get a wig for them, and they could've turned in a better showing than what Brigitte Nielsen could do here. She was just awful in this movie, and the same could be said for just about anyone else. Nobody here turned in a decent showing, and because of that, it makes a really bad movie even worse.

I normally don't ever talk about this very often, but I want to touch upon the costuming next. Because this is something that really bugged the shit out of me while watching this movie. I hinted at it at the start of this thing, but the costuming in this movie is almost complete shit. I say 'almost', because our main characters are the only ones who wear any type of normal clothing in this movie. Everyone else, though? Good lord, where do I even start? Well, a lot of the costumes in this movie, for some bizarre reasoning, are overly detailed. Two of which I can think of right off the bat are the Grand Master and Queen Gedren. I don't know what the hell the costume designers were going for here, but for some reason, the Grand Master has these ridiculously long wires that are just popping out of his shoulders, which also supports, I think, flag banners as well. I don't know if that's suppose to be his swords or what have you, but they had NO reason to be that fucking big. And Queen Gedren is not all that better. Because outside of having a ridiculous mask over face, she also has a cape that she wears, which is made entirely out of beads. To me, that just looks really impractical, but she does indeed wear that for some stupid reasoning. But then there are all the soldiers in this movie. Every single one of them either is ridiculously over-detailed, or it just looks really stupid on them. A couple of the helmets I saw some soldiers wear looked liked BDSM helmets. Don't ask me why I thought that, I just did. A group of them I mentioned earlier were ones that were wearing some really goofy, really stupid-looking fish armor that looked like rejects that came from fucking Atlantis. One particular helmet that REALLY looked out of place was during the beginning of the movie. We get to see some of Queen Gedren's soldiers moving the talisman away from this sanctuary after killing the priests there, and the helmets that they wear have horns that are just RIDICULOUSLY big. How big, you may ask? Well, this might sound like an over-generalization, but, to me, they looked like they were about 5-6 feet long! That is just incredibly unnecessary! I don't know how many people were involved in the costuming department, but they went WAY overboard went designing these costumes. And to me, anyway, the costuming in this movie is just shit because it was just trying way too hard to look interesting.

Special effects are really nothing to write home about. The effects here are mostly cheap. The only effect I could say that looked kinda decent was the sea creature. It wasn't anything amazing, mind you, but at least the sea creature looked halfway decent. So, I can at least give the effects that much. Camerawork here is OK. The lighting here isn't too bad. Sound-mix here is mixed fine. The score here is, actually, the one thing I could say that this movie did mostly well on. And that's mainly because the score for this movie was composed by the legendary Ennio Morricone. Unfortunately, even I can't say it's all that great, because I've heard far better from Morricone, mostly from the Dollars trilogy. But again, I want to stress that the score here isn't bad, it's just not very memorable, especially coming from Ennio Morricone. But that's just me, personally. Anyway, the score here is, honestly, the only real positive I can give this movie, mostly because it had Morricone's touch to it.

So anyway, when all is said and done, guys, can I recommend "Red Sonja"? No. I really cannot recommend this movie, unless if maybe, just MAYBE, you wanted to watch this thing on a bad movie night with some friends, and you want to just riff on something for about 90 minutes. If that's the case, then you go right on ahead and check it out for that reason alone. But if you're honestly looking for a good movie, then hell fucking no. This movie is fucking garbage from start to finish. There really is nothing here that will keep you invested, because the story is almost non-existent, the characters all feel bland and lifeless, the dialogue is complete shit, and the acting is even worse. Nothing about this movie works, save for the music. But that's really not enough of a reason for you to watch this thing. I may not have read the Red Sonja comics, but even I feel offended by watching this, because this movie was just that bad. And not even bad on a fun level, it's just...awful. Now...I'm gonna go and watch something better. And seeing that this was a fantasy movie, I think I'm gonna go and watch my copy of "The Last Unicorn". Because I need to feel happy after watching...this. Just...oh god, I'm sorry I even wasted the time on this fucking thing. So yeah, I'm gonna go and do that next.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.