Reaction & Review | The Punisher

Welcome, one and all, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be checking out an action film from 1989. That movie is "The Punisher".

Now for those of you who don't follow me, way back in mid-December, I posted a preview banner for my "Tales of the Longbox" series. Which basically features a particular set of comics that mostly act as hints as to what movies I would be covering for the first couple of months. One of those comics that was on that banner was something involving the Punisher. And there are several movies I could've picked involving this character. Do I go with the 2004 movie starring Thomas Jane and John Travolta? Well, no. Because I've seen that movie at least a few times already. And unfortunately, the movie hasn't really aged all that well with repeat viewings. What about "Punisher: War Zone"? You know, the one that came out in 2008? Well again, I've seen it, so that movie's also out of the running.

It then leaves me with the only other option that's available to me that I haven't seen yet, which would be the 1989 movie starring Dolph Lundgren. And that right there raises a couple of red flags for me. For starters, the very fact that you'd cast a foreign actor playing a comic book character that's suppose to be an American, doesn't really sound right to me. That'd be like if you reversed roles with Sylvester Stallone in "Rocky IV", in which you would have Dolph Lundgren playing Rocky, while Stallone would play the foreign heel. It just doesn't sound right at all.

Now, I would probably ignore all that, expect we come to the other reason as to why I have an issue with this casting choice. You see, I have heard Dolph Lundgren's attempt at acting in films such as "Rocky IV" and "Universal Soldier". Now with "Rocky IV", it's not that big of an issue. Because he had very minimal dialogue to work with in that movie. And then I watched his performance in "Universal Soldier", and, oh my god, his acting in that movie was fucking terrible. And that's mostly because, unlike "Rocky IV", he had more dialogue in that movie, and well...let's just say that his acting was one of the many things that brought that movie down for me.

So, you can kinda guess as to where my stance is going into this movie. The very idea of Dolph Lundgren being the star of this thing leaves me with a little bit of dread. Now, I don't know. Maybe Lundgren will actually surprise me, and actually turn in a decent performance here. I have strong doubts about that, but who knows? Stranger things have happened before. So, the only way I'm gonna find out if this movie is any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "The Punisher".

16 minutes later

Guys, I understand it's very early in this movie, but I feel like I need to mention this now. The acting from almost the entire cast has been pretty good...except for Dolph Lundgren as Frank Castle. Granted, I kinda expected his acting to be bad, but I wasn't expecting it to be THIS fucking bad. And I'm probably gonna have to get use to his horrible acting for the next hour and 10 minutes or so. This might be a painful experience, guys.

20 minutes later

You know, guys, you would think that an action scene involving the Punisher would be really cool and interesting. But so far, it really hasn't been either one of those things. I'm genuinely hoping that it will get interesting sooner rather than later. But as of right now, I'm not really sure if it's going to.

20 minutes later

Are these idiots ACTUALLY trying to ram a bus off with their tiny ass cars? What fucking sense does that even make?! I could maybe understand if they were driving something like pick-up trucks, then MAYBE they would have a slightly better chance at it. But to have them ram a bus with nothing except their tiny ass cars is fucking retarded on levels that I didn't think were even possible. I swear to God, this movie is getting stupider with each passing minute, and I still got more than half an hour of this shit to go! This is gonna suck, guys.

19 minutes later

You know, guys, I would probably care more about this final act of the movie in which they're trying to save Franco's son, if most of this entire sequence wasn't filmed with this red lighting. It's almost getting very distracting, and it's kinda making this final act a little bit hard to watch. Just thought I'd share that with you guys, since this movie hasn't given me a whole lot to work with.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "The Punisher". And unfortunately, my copy of the movie kinda crapped itself out towards the end credits. But hey, at least it got there enough to where I can see the credits start to roll, so I can go ahead and shut it off now...OK. Jesus Christ, that was torturous to get through. So...what the hell to even start with? I guess I was expecting a lot better from this movie, but...no. This movie really sucked.

Anyway, I guess I can start with the writing, as per usual with these reviews. And I will say that this movie is, pretty much, a straight-laced, plotless action movie. And for many people that are into those movies, you're gonna probably gonna end up loving this thing. And being that this thing came out in 1989, this movie lives up to being one of those last bastion of 80's action movies that's just there to exist as being a mindless action movie. So on that end, it succeeds on doing just that. Unfortunately, I'm not into a lot of those plotless action movies, with a few exceptions here and there. So this thing doesn't really work for me. Which is disappointing to say, because I actually think there was something here resembling a story that could've been great. Yes, buried beneath this movie's mindless action, there is something kinda resembling a story here that could've been expanded upon. And in the case of a good writer, they definitely could've pulled that off. Unfortunately, like I just stated, this movie decided to be just another plotless action film that's not really doing anything new or interesting. And I mean that in both story and it's action scenes, the latter in which I'll get into later.

But for now, I should probably talk about the writing itself for a bit. Now, you would think that since this movie was working with a comic book property, such as the Punisher, you would expect the Punisher to just lay waste to the people that murdered his family, and everybody that's involved with the criminal underworld. And he does just that, because we get told by a news report at the very beginning of the movie that the Punisher has laid waste to about 125 mobsters. In fact, because he has laid waste to so many of these mobsters, it leaves the crime family in shambles. And our kingpin, Franco, who is also responsible for killing Frank Castle's wife and kids, has to bring in whoever is left that hasn't been killed by the Punisher, and combine them together as one unit. Which then leads into the Yakuza getting involved, lead by our main villain Tanaka. She gives a proposition to Franco that he can still run the crime family, but she, and the Yakuza, will get to control their finances and interests. Which then later leads into them kidnapping the children of these mobsters, including Franco's son. That way, they can get what they want, so the mobsters would fall in line, and they won't have to worry about their children getting sold off into child trafficking. Which then gets the Punisher involved when a friend of his pleads with him to go save the children. And that's pretty much it for plot. Because there's really nothing else here in terms of conflict that's of any interest. Anything involving the two detectives trying to find Frank Castle's whereabouts doesn't really go anywhere, our characters are all flat and fucking lifeless, and that also includes the Punisher. I may not have read any of the Punisher comics, but I know that a lot people who have read them can tell you that he has more depth and likability to him than this fucking movie did. Even the other two Punisher movies I saw, at least, tried to give Frank Castle some kind of depth to him. Here though, not so much. It also doesn't help when you have him played by Dolph Lundgren, but I'll talk about that later when I get into the acting.

While I'm on the subject of the writing, there is something I hinted at earlier that I said could've worked, if the writer for this thing, Boaz Yakin, had taken advantage of early on. You see, as I mentioned earlier, the only bit of plot that we do have here is that Tanaka, the leader of the Yakuza, kidnaps the mobster's children to use as leverage against the mobsters. Otherwise, they would be used in her child trafficking scheme. Franco actually gets the idea to have the Punisher get involved, so that he and the Punisher can forge an alliance to get his son back. Here's the problem, though. He does this very late into the movie after the Punisher turns himself in after rescuing the other children that were kidnapped. And when I say very late, I mean he does this when there's only about a half an hour of movie left. And by that point, it just comes across as too little, too late. And there's very little conflict between the two characters. Now, here's what I would've done to fix this. I would've waited shortly after the mobsters children get kidnapped, then have Franco find a way to contact the Punisher early on. I would then have the Punisher refuse him the first few times, because why would you help a guy that was responsible for killing his own family? And I would have this continue, until Franco finds a way to use some kind of leverage in order to get the Punisher to listen to him. Which then leads me into ditching the subplot where the two detectives are trying to find Frank Castle's lair, and have detective Berkowitz be kidnapped. Mostly because he's the guy that use to be Frank Castle's partner in the police force. Use the detective as leverage, so that he and the Punisher can work together to save the children and his son. You see, that way, if you did this early on, you would have more of a conflict between the Punisher and Franco. Where one is just itching to kill the guy that ended up killing Frank Castle's family, while the other is just wanting to get his son back while not wanting to be controlled by Tanaka and her Yakuza. In fact, I would say the last 10 minutes of the movie has something very compelling going on that involves the Punisher, Franco, and his son. It probably would've been better if my copy of the movie actually properly worked towards the end, but what I did end up seeing actually does kinda work. And before anyone asks, my copy of the movie was perfectly fine, it was just the last 10 minutes that wanted to crap itself out for no actual reason.

Unfortunately, like I said, all of this happens very late into the movie. And before all that, it's just another case of the movie playing itself out like a bunch of other plotless action movies would. So the writing here is just not very good. It's not very good by plotless action movie standards, and what little is here isn't very well thought out either. Now, with that out of the way, let's get into the acting. I made no secret of this when I first mentioned it, but I feared that Dolph Lundgren was gonna be the worst part about this movie. And, lull and behold, he is totally the worst actor in this entire movie. I was expecting, maybe, he would kinda surprise me a bit by actually turning in an OK showing, but no, he totally lived up to my original standards of him being the lowest point of this movie. In fact, do you want to know how bad he really is in this movie? He is so bad that all of the child actors that were in this movie, turned in a better showing than Dolph-fucking-Lundgren! Mind you, most of the child actors in this movie weren't very good to begin with. However, in their cases, they had very little, to no dialogue to begin with. In Dolph Lundgren's case, though, he did have more dialogue in this movie. And he sucked royally. Every other actor in this movie, besides the child actors, all of them turned in better showings. And they basically had to carry this movie, because some pinhead over at New World Pictures thought it'd be a good idea to cast someone who can barely act, let alone be in the starring role for this movie. In fact, I think this movie proves, at least to me, that Dolph Lundgren should never be in a starring role for any movie. If you are dumb enough to cast him in a leading role, then at least make sure he doesn't have too much dialogue to work with. Otherwise, you get movies like this, in which he brings most of it down entirely. So yeah, the acting is pretty good, but most of it is brought down by Dolph Lundgren's lackluster performance.

I want to touch upon the action scenes next. Because since this thing is pretty much a plotless action movie, you would expect that to be one of the things that would hold this movie together. And I will say that if you're someone who likes seeing shit being blown up, or sequences where guns are just blazing left and right, or fight sequences that mostly happen towards the final act of the movie. If all of that interests you, then you're going to absolutely adore the action scenes in this movie. Mind you, none of it is great, or even memorable for that matter. But like I said earlier, the stuff that is here totally works for an action movie. And I will say that the fight choreography here is OK. Again, it's not really that memorable, but I do think that this is one of the few moments where Dolph Lundgren gets to shine. Because when he's not being hampered with speaking dialogue, he does get to kick ass when he needs to. And at the very least, it's not as poorly done as the shit I would see in other 80's action movies such as "The Ninja Mission" or "The Russian Ninja". Granted, that isn't really saying very much, but at least this movie has some decent action that fans of plotless action movies would like. Special effects here are decent, mostly in terms of the blood effects. The squib work for the guns is perfectly fine. Pyrotechnics are pretty good, also. So yeah, again, all of this works fine, especially for an action movie.

Camerawork here is pretty good. The lighting here is mostly fine, save for a majority of the final act, where it's mostly filmed with this red lighting. Now there is kind of a reason for this red lighting, but it didn't really enhance the movie in any way, it's just kind of an annoying lighting effect to try and make the fight scenes look 'cool' and 'intense'. However, most of the fight sequences during that point is just one and done, and any intense moments during the final act doesn't really last long, or is even interesting. That being said, the sound-mix here is mixed fine. And the score here is OK, too. None of it is gonna be memorable, but at least it's serviceable in doing it's job.

Ultimately, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "The Punisher"? Only if you are a fan of plotless actions movies. And if that is your thing, then go for it. You are probably going to end up loving this thing. However, for anybody else that's looking for more substance in their action movies, then hell no. This thing is not going to provide any real substance. It's mostly just a bland, boring, plotless action movie that doesn't really have much going for it. I would've said, maybe, if you were a fan of the comics, then I could possibly recommend a once-over. But I can't really do that, because there are two other Punisher movies out there that are better than this. They're not great by any stretch of the matter, but they are certainly better recommendations, at least, for a single viewing experience. This thing, on the other hand, is not worth that single viewing experience. Only fans of plotless action movies will love this thing. Myself, on the other hand, no. I am not going to give this piece of shit a second viewing. And considering that my copy decided to crap itself out towards the end, it makes this movie unwatchable. And the sooner I no longer have a copy of this thing around me, the better. Now...I'm gonna go and watch a better action movie. And the first thing that comes to my mind is "Escape From New York". I'm gonna go watch that next, because I want to watch a better 80's action movie that actually has more substance within it's plot. So, I'm gonna go do that next after I'm done putting this review together.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Gintama

Welcome, one and all, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a movie from 2017. That movie is "Gintama".

Now, I vaguely remember hearing about "Gintama" back in the early days when I use to read Shonen Jump. And I remember them advertising this series quite often when it was still new. I didn't really know what to think of it back when I was reading those advertisements, because they didn't really tell me a whole lot about it. And unfortunately, I never got a chance to read any of the actual books, or even seen the anime. So, I  pretty much missed out on it back during it's peak.

Fortunately, I finally have a chance to check this series out tonight. And as you may have noticed, I'm gonna be covering the live-action adaption of this movie that came out some years ago. Now normally, when it comes to live-action adaptations of movies that came from animated shows, they usually don't translate very well into live-action. Most people would cite "Dragonball Evolution" as the worst offender of this. Now I will say that, while "Dragonball Evolution" wasn't great and it's certainly not something I'd watch a second time, it really wasn't THAT bad. I mean, at the very least, the movie was watchable. At least, to me, it was.

But I'm getting way off track here by kinda defending "Dragonball Evolution". My point is that movies like "Dragonball Evolution" would be seen by a lot of people as how NOT to do a live-action movie of an anime. That being said, since the live-action "Gintama" movie was made in Japan, at the very least, there's a better chance that this thing will be more accurate to it's source material. I have no idea if that's really gonna be the case or not, since this is gonna be my first exposure to this franchise, but I will find out soon enough.

Honestly, guys, I have no idea what the hell I'm getting myself into here. I have no idea if this thing is gonna be any good at all. But if it is, then I may eventually go out and read some of the books, or track down some episodes of the anime. So the only way I'm gonna find out if this damn thing is any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Gintama".

6 minutes later

So, our main characters, who currently look like Mii avatars, are complaining about the opening intro to this movie. Oh, and now they're also pointing out that fans of the manga are gonna write harsh reviews about this movie. I gotta say...it is kinda funny. Though, since this is my first exposure to this franchise, I thankfully don't have to worry about any of that. Because if this movie does indeed suck, then I'll totally be harsh to it when I eventually review it.

1 minute later

Well, guys, I just learned something else from our main characters. Apparently, I have to watch this entire movie through, otherwise I'll be on Warner Bros. blacklist. THAT is actually really funny. Although, considering how much I've complained about the CG in their animated films, I may be on that blacklist sooner rather than later. Then again, I am a nobody reviewer, so what the hell do I know?

10 minutes later

So that entire beetle hunt ended with that golden beetle being eaten by...whatever that was just a moment ago. Also, the CG on it looked a bit questionable, but I'm gonna let that slide for right now. Maybe the CG will get better as the movie goes on.

8 minutes later

OK, I need to ask this. I can get what Elizabeth, or Q-Taro as Gintoki describes her as, is, but what is up with that white dog? It's only shown up for about two scenes, and they haven't mentioned who that dog really is. Is it suppose to be their pet? If it is, then that's a huge fucking dog that they're keeping. Seriously, guys, I want to know. What the hell is up with that dog being there? I'm really curious here.

10 minutes later

They just killed off Elizabeth...which is sad, really. Because she was becoming one of my favorite characters in this entire movie so far. Granted, the way she died was a little bit odd, but still. I actually feel kinda sorry for Elizabeth now that she's gone. Shit.

20 minutes later

You know, guys, I'm actually really liking how this movie's able to balance both it's humor and the seriousness of what story it's trying to tell. I'll get more into this when I eventually review this thing, but I just wanted to let you guys know now that this movie does have a pretty good balance between the two mediums. I'm actually kinda impressed by that.

2 minutes later

OK, that was probably the weirdest way I've seen anyone read a Dragon Ball manga. I kinda get what she was trying to do while reading it, but it was still fucking weird as shit.

15 minutes later

You know, guys, I am really digging the humor in this movie, but I'm getting a little tired of these two repeating the fact that this guy has a Lolita Complex, and him replying to her that he's a feminist. It's starting to get old already, and I'm kinda hoping that this movie will dial that back some.

8 minutes later

OK, that is probably one of the funniest ways that this movie could've referenced One Piece. I really wasn't expecting that kind of reference, but still, it was pretty cool.

13 minutes later

You know, guys, just when I think that this movie couldn't top itself with it's references, that one was actually even funnier than the One Piece reference! I totally dug how and what they just referenced there. That was really cool.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Gintama". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off...OK. Wow...what do I even start with? Well, I'll say this much. I'm definitely gonna have to track down some of the manga at some point, because this thing definitely made me interested in reading the series.

But enough about that. Let's just get into the film itself, shall we? I'm gonna start with the writing. The writing here is really solid for the most part. Now as I admitted earlier, I am not familiar with the "Gintama" series. So, I have no idea if this was attempting to adapt an arc from the manga, and or if they just decided to go with their own unique story, without it being tied into the manga. I have no idea. However, I've stated many times before that I am not here to judge whether or not this movie is loyal to the source material. I am here to judge this thing on it's entertainment factor, and whether or not I can recommend it. And I'm gonna tell you, guys, this movie definitely lives up to the entertainment factor. I wasn't really expecting much, honestly, but it definitely surprised me by how entertaining it really was. Our story here is, admittedly a little bit hard to follow, because there is a LOT going on here. You basically have stuff involving aliens taking over Japan after a war broke out between them and a band of samurais, thus leading into the aliens banning swords altogether. Then you have this evil sword known as the Benizakura, which is technically alive and that it's able to cut down ships. And the sword itself is in possession of our villain Nizo Okada. And then you have our main characters, such as Gintoki, who is looking for revenge, because Okada was the one who killed a friend of his known as Katsura. Like I said, guys, there is a LOT to unravel here. And you probably won't be able to get all of that on your first viewing. If you were to watch this movie on it's second, third, or possibly even fourth viewing, then I think everything would make a lot more sense. And what I just described to you is, more or less, an abridged version of what happens in this movie. Because while I did pick up on certain things, there were some things I kinda forgot about here and there, and I'll probably have to watch this movie again at some point in order to understand everything that's happened in this movie.

But what I do want to talk more about is the movie's humor. Because this movie has a ton of humor. And I wasn't really expecting much from it, but it really surprised me by how funny most of it was. And what makes it even better is that, for the most part, the humor is very balanced. I've mentioned this before on a couple of occasions, but one of the biggest complaints I've had with the MCU movies, what few I've watched anyway, is the fact they LOVE to shoehorn in a lot of humor, even when it's unnecessary. I hated it in "Guardians of the Galaxy", I hated it in "Iron Man 2", and unfortunately, from what I've heard, they're still doing this today with their movies. Again, I may not have seen a whole lot of the MCU movies, but from the few that I have watched, I can tell you that they don't know how to balance humor with it's seriousness. But this movie, on the other hand, knows how to do it right. Because it does have a very solid story, and at the same time, it knows when and where to have it's humor. Hell guys, right from the word go, this movie knew what it wanted to be. Which is, basically, a live-action anime. And it pulls it off really well. Now admittedly, not all of the humor is perfect. There are some jokes that kinda fall flat. Most of that is with two of our villains. One of them kept claiming that the other has a Lolita Complex, but he retorts by saying that he is a feminist. And they repeat those jokes about 3 or 4 times, to a point where it got pretty old, pretty quickly. Aside from that, the movie also relies on a lot of physical comedy, which they do quite a bit of in this movie, but thankfully, they don't completely overdo it. There's also quite a bit of sexual humor, and a little bit of toilet humor, although for the latter, they don't really do anything like fart or shit jokes. They mostly just mention piss. But aside from that, the toilet humor is kept to a minimum.

Now aside from the styles of humor that this movie was trying to work in, they also do references. Now I know a lot of people who have seen Friedberg and Seltzer's movies would be turned off by this, because when it comes to their movies, references are the one thing that they handle really poorly, such as them directly ANNOUNCING what they're referencing, and thus the humor dies. And while this movie does do that on a couple of occasions, it's slightly handled better here than with Friedberg and Seltzer. One of the reasons is because, unlike Friedberg and Selzter where they mostly just do pop culture references and shit that was relevant at the time, this movie only references manga and anime. And the other reason why the references are handled better here is because most of it is kept to a minimum. Now there a couple of obvious ones that they reference, such when Shinpachi's sister is reading a Dragon Ball manga to Gintoki. Or at one point, Gintoki also references the character of Migi from "Parasyte". Another one they reference is One Piece. Now, unlike the other two that I just mentioned, they don't tell you that it's from One Piece. You have to know that the fruit that Gintoki is given was the Gum-Gum fruit, and the hat that he briefly wears is Luffy's straw hat. One other reference that I do want to bring up is something that they kinda tell you what it's from, but the way that it's handled is fucking hilarious as shit. I won't spoil exactly what they are referencing, but I will say that they do reference a Studio Ghibli film. And to me, guys, that was one of the funniest references you could make involving it. Now I can't guarantee that you'll get the same reaction that I did when I saw that reference, but I still think it was funny as shit. So, you just have to take it for what it's worth, if you ever get the chance to watch this movie for yourself.

One other thing I want to quickly mention about the writing, that doesn't involve the movie's humor, is that most of our characters have a ton of depth to them. And as you may have noticed with the front cover, there are a LOT of characters in this movie. And you would think that, with that many characters, you wouldn't get a whole lot of depth from them. Well shockingly, this movie actually does give a lot of these characters some type of depth and personality to them. We have Gintoki, who is known as the dumbest samurai. We have Shinpachi, who is basically the timid guy with glasses, whom is also Gintoki's companion. We have Kagura, who is basically the cute red-headed monk that is also Gintoki's companion. We have the police chief, who has a boner interest for Shinpachi's sister. And we also have a couple of blacksmith's, who also play a pivotal part in this movie. Like, there is a lot of depth to these characters. Whether it's the main characters, the secondary characters, or even the villains. While not all of them have loads of depth, at least they all have some type of personality to their characters. Which is something that I don't see a whole lot of from movies nowadays, but at least this movie was trying to aim for that kind of standard. And that's something that I can definitely appreciate.

So basically, guys, the writing in this movie is mostly really good. It kinda stumbles here and there with it's humor, but it's mostly a minor stumble. And the story here, even though there's a lot to take in, what is here does work, so I can definitely say the writing here is really good. Now, before I get into the acting, I do need to make mention of something important. You see, guys, this movie does not have an English dub. So, if you're someone who is not interested in reading subtitles for over 2 hours of the movie's runtime, then this movie is probably not going to be for you. Because I know a lot of people who prefer watching an English dub over reading subtitles. Now that being said, I do think that the acting here is pretty good for the most part. There are quite a few instances where some of the actors have to shout their lines. One character in particular that does this is the character known as Tetsuya Murata. His entire gimmick in this movie is that he shouts his entire dialogue. And to some people, that could be seen as rather grating. Now admittedly, this didn't really bother me, but I could definitely see others having an issue with it. And if you do have an issue with it, well again, this movie might not be for you, especially knowing that you'd have to be reading his subtitles AND hearing his shouting at the same time. But regardless of that, the acting here is pretty good from, just about, the entire cast. Everybody here feels comfortable on camera, and everybody seemed very suited for their roles. So, I have to give the actors props on turning in a rather good showing for this movie.

Special effects are mostly really good, but there are two instances of CG that I do have to touch upon. The first has to do with the tentacles on Okada's arm whenever he's brandishing the Benizakura sword. The tentacles themselves surrounding Okada look kinda like shit. Like, every time that I see those tentacles, it looks far too much like CG, to a point where it doesn't look very believable to be around Okada's arm. However, that's mostly when viewed at certain shots. I still noticed them, though, so make of that what you will. The other bit of CG I have to make mention of, and this one is going to be rather divisive, involves Sadaharu, AKA, the huge white dog that we see with our heroes. I don't know what it is about this dog, but part of feels like, at first, I didn't mind the dog being there. However...the more that I kept seeing this dog, the CG on it just looks...incredibly off-putting to me. I don't know, maybe it has to do with either it's fur, or maybe it's face. But every time that this dog appeared on camera, part of me feels like the CG on this dog looks...kinda terrible. Now again, it's probably just me that's only bothered by this CG dog, but something about Sadaharu just didn't look right to me. But anyway...setting aside that, the CG on just about everything else looked really good. Our costuming here is done perfectly. All of the characters look like they came from the manga. Which is certainly a nice touch. Blood effects here are decent, but they're also nothing to write home about. So overall, the special effects are mostly good, save for a couple of bits of questionable CG.

Camerawork here is really good. The lighting is lit very well. The sound-mix is mixed perfectly. The soundtrack and score here are also fine. Speaking of which, there is one piece of the score that I do want to bring up. It ties back into the Studio Ghibli reference I mentioned earlier. Again, without going too much into spoilers, there's a piece of music that they play that, I swear, sounds like it came from that movie! I don't know if that's the case or not, because, admittedly, it's been a long time since I last watched that movie. But if it is, then to hear it in this movie is actually really cool. Again, I don't know if that's the case or not, but it definitely sounded like it to me. Otherwise, like I just said, the score here is fine and the soundtrack is pretty good, too.

Overall, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Gintama"? I would say that if you were a fan of this particular franchise, then I would say most likely yes. I mean, it's very well possible that they've already seen it. But if you haven't yet, then I would definitely recommend it to that particular crowd. If you're someone like myself who hasn't seen or read the manga, and you're curious about this movie, then I would probably recommend it as a rental first. Because I can't guarantee that you'll like it enough to buy it on DVD or Blu-ray. And since this movie does not have an English dub, that might also turn off some viewers. But if you can overlook that, and if you do enjoy this movie enough, then go ahead and find it on either format. Or somewhere else online if you can find it. As for myself, I was kinda surprised by how this movie turned out. I may eventually get this thing on DVD, because I did rent this movie from my local library. So I may eventually have to track a copy for myself and add it to my DVD collection. For now, though, I'm gonna go and watch a different movie. And I'm gonna go and watch that certain Studio Ghibli film that was referenced in this movie. Again, I'm NOT gonna tell you what it is, because I would rather you go and watch the movie yourself to find out what they were referencing. But anyway, I'm gonna go and do that next.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Vixen: The Movie

Welcome, one and all, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering an animated film from 2017. That movie is "Vixen: The Movie".

Now, this movie is a little bit of an oddity for this series. And it's not because of the fact that it's based off a character I've never heard of. No, it's more so about how this movie got made. You see, this thing was originally a web series that you could watch off something called the CW Seed. And some of you are probably wondering what the hell that even is? Basically, it's an app made in association with the CW Network, in which you could watch exclusive shows and movies that you wouldn't normally see on the CW Network. Yeah, I had no idea that was even a thing until I started doing research about this movie. But what I'm even more surprised by is the fact that the CW Network is even still a thing in 2023. I really thought that their popularity peaked back when I was still watching "WWE Smackdown!" well over a decade ago on their network. Nowadays, I don't really watch a whole lot of TV, so the fact that they're still around today almost baffles me.

Now aside from that, as I just stated, this movie was originally a series from the CW Seed. And what DC and Warner Bros. did was that they combined the first two seasons of the "Vixen" web series and turned it into a full-length movie. They also advertised about 15 minutes worth of extra footage, so it basically rounds up to about 75 minutes long. I don't know what this extra footage is gonna consist of, but what I can say is that, for the very first time, I'm gonna be covering a movie that was originally a web series from the CW for Reaction & Review. Wow...and me just saying that sounded really fucking weird. But regardless, it still might prove to be interesting.

Speaking of the CW, there is one more thing I want to make mention of before I start watching the movie. You see, this movie is supposed to be a part of the Arrowverse. Which is essentially a universe that is centered around TV shows based off characters from DC Comics that you'd normally see on the CW Network. And according to the back of the DVD case for this movie, it's from the executive producers of shows such as "The Flash", "Arrow", "DC's Legends of Tomorrow", and "Supergirl". It even goes so far as to mention that the actors from those shows actually reprise their roles for this movie. Now, I obviously don't know a whole lot of them. The only one that I'm familiar with is Stephen Amell, who is the star of "Arrow". And I remember his name mostly because he had an angle in WWE at one point in 2015, where he actually wrestled in a tag team match at Summerslam with Neville, as they took on Stardust (AKA Cody Rhodes) and Wade Barrett. And no, I am not kidding about any of that, that was actually a thing. I haven't seen the match, so I can't really comment on the quality of it, but regardless, that's how I knew about Stephen Amell.

So anyway, I should probably just quit stalling and see if this movie is any good. I'm hoping that it is, because DC usually puts out a lot of quality into their animated films. Well, most of the time anyway. I have no idea if this thing is gonna have that same kind of quality, but the only way I'm gonna find out is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Vixen: The Movie".

8 minutes later

So this professor theorizes that Mari's necklace gives her the ability to tap into the wildlife of any animal that she conjures up during a fight. So basically, she's Beast Boy without the shape-shifting abilities. All right...that's sorta interesting. Kinda hoping that the movie expands upon this later on as it continues.

3 minutes later

Wait, so Vixen gets her name because Barry Allen's friend thinks that she's hot? That's...kinda stupid, really. I mean, granted, she IS kinda sexy-looking, but it does seem a little bit childish to me that you'd name a meta-human like that mostly because of her looks. But hey, maybe that's just me.

12 minutes later

OK, that is one of the creepiest looking-lion's I've ever seen! I didn't know even that lions had that much black shading around their eyes, but damn does it make that lion look fucking creepy as hell.

18 minutes later

Well, guys, I think I can officially say that Cesar is my favorite character in this entire movie. He might just be a gorilla, but he's kind of a badass gorilla, too. There's just something really charming about that.

7 minutes later

You know, guys, a thought just occurred to me. So, it's been reported that one of these lost gems was stolen from the museum last night. We know it, because we actually got to see it being stolen by this one person. And the thief whole stole the gem wasn't wearing any gloves. Have the police not checked for any fingerprints on the glass from when that guy came down from the ceiling? I think that if they did that, then they could make run through of who it was pretty quickly and you'd be able to identify the thief really pretty easily, too. I don't know, MAYBE they might do that later on, but it's just something that I'm wondering about, you know?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Vixen: The Movie". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off...OK. So...what to begin with here? Well, I guess I can say that, going into this thing, I was expecting this thing to be pretty good. I mean, after all, it is a DC animated project, and I usually like a majority of those. And I can say that, overall, it is pretty good. However, when compared to the other animated films that I've seen from DC, it's nowhere near as good as they are. Mind you, it's not a bad movie, it's just a little bit weak when compared to those films.

But I should probably get into this proper by talking about the film itself. Let's start with the writing. The writing here is halfway decent, for the most part. Being that this was taken from a web series, and adapting it into a feature length movie, it does a decent enough of stitching those first two seasons together into one part. Now this is not the first time DC and Warner Bros. have done this sort of thing. They did this "World's Finest", which was originally a 3 part episode from "Superman: The Animated Series", and turned that into a movie. They also did this with "Justice League: Starcrossed". Which was the last multi-part episode they did for the "Justice League" cartoon and turned that into a movie known as "Justice League: Starcrossed The Movie", which I also covered last year for this series. However, the difference between those movies and this one is that both those movies had time to flesh out their stories and characters. Mind you, both of those movies had shorter runtimes than this movie did, but they were still able to work in a lot with what they had to work with. And while I can see that this movie was trying to do the exact same thing, a part of me feels like that this thing tried to rush through it a bit. And to me, it doesn't quite work. Now when I say it's rushed, I don't mean the ENTIRE film feels rushed, but I will say that the first 30 minutes of it definitely feels rushed.

To start with, the first 30 minutes of the movie is basically an origin story for our main character, Mari, who ends up becoming our main title character. And she gets her powers through this necklace that she wears around her neck, which gives her the ability of any animal that she taps into. For instance, if she wants to run fast, she gets the ability of a cheetah. If she wanted the ability to crush any thugs, then she would get the ability of an elephant. If she wanted to fly, then she would get the ability of a hawk. Basically, like I said earlier, it's Beast Boy from the Teen Titans without the shape-shifting abilities. And that's perfectly fine. I have no problems with how those powers work. What I find funny about her origin story is that she tells her foster father that her necklace might be the key to the answers of her past and possibly find out who she really is. And the reason why I find that funny is that it reminded me of "Yu-Gi-Oh!". The first series, anyway. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, in the first series, Atem, which is the Pharaoh's spirit that travels with Yugi, was trying to find the answers to his past, and the Millennium Puzzle was one of the many elements that was going to help him unlock his past self. And that's what Mari's backstory kinda reminded me of when I first heard her say that. And to be fair, we do get a little bit more of an explanation about this necklace that she wears, which is mostly referred to as a totem than a necklace, but that's beside the point. And all of that is OK.

However, this does lead me back into talking about why this movie feels a bit rushed. You see, we start off with the first 15 minutes with two scenes that get repeated with Green Arrow and the Flash chasing Mari around the city. The first time is because it leads into a prologue which took place 3 days ago before all that happened. And then later, when she first starts discovering what her necklace can do, the Flash and Green Arrow meet up with Mari's foster father, Chuck, to see her. And it's not because they want to capture her or anything, it's more so that they want to talk to her in hopes that they can work together so that they can help control her powers. But she refuses, and tries to do it on her own. And most of that takes up about 15 minutes of the movie. And then we get to the second half of that, where Mari's dealing with her sister, who kidnaps her and takes her back home to Africa, and then they start their own little fight over Mari's totem. And all of this just feels so fucking rushed, to a point where the characters feel like they don't get enough time to develop. It's, like, here's the conflict between Mari and her sister, Mari gets her ass kicked, she gets help from her family and friends, she goes back to kick her sister's ass, and wins the day to keep her necklace. Now, I know that the version I gave out is a very abridged version of it, because they kinda explain more about the stuff involving her family and friends being there, but it still feels very rushed, and it feels like the movie just wanted to get through this as fast as they possibly could. Like I said earlier, one of the reasons why "World's Finest" and "Starcrossed" worked was because they were given more to work involving their stories and characters, even though the runtimes on both those movies were a little bit shorter. This thing was given 75 minutes to work with, and they just decided to rush through Mari's backstory as if it meant very little to them. Mind you, again, the story that we're given out isn't necessarily bad, it just felt like it wasn't properly developed is what I'm saying.

Now unfortunately, this isn't the only time that this movie feels rushed, which is gonna lead into the characters. Because even though this movie advertises such characters as the Flash and Green Arrow, they are BARELY in the movie at all. And sometimes, their inclusions in this movie don't really add up to anything. The biggest example of this is when Mari gets a call from them to help out against a villain known as the Weather Wizard. Which, for those who don't know, is a Flash villain. And Weather Wizard is on the verge of drowning Central City by causing a gigantic tidal wave. So Mari comes along to help stop him, and at one point during the fight, the Weather Wizard actually gets the upper hand over Mari by shooting lighting from his hands which causes her to fall into the sea. And then, for some reason, she ends up at the hospital, to which her foster dad greets her when she wakes up. Which makes no sense at all, because we never get to see the conclusion of the fight against Weather Wizard. I'm going to assume that things went well, since it NEVER gets brought up again, but it feels rather pointless to have it in here if we didn't get a proper conclusion to that fight. And since I mentioned earlier that the Flash and Green Arrow barely get any screen time, we also get introduced to the Atom and Black Canary, and their inclusions also feel pretty damn pointless. OK yes, it's cool to see them in action against the main villain, Benatu Eshu, for this movie, but they don't really do a whole lot here, and most of the fighting comes to down Eshu and Mari. So ultimately, their inclusions in this movie, much like Green Arrow and Flash, are mostly pointless.

The only character who really does get a ton of depth is Mari, or Vixen if you prefer. And even though I kinda railed against this movie for having a pretty rushed story, what is here is still pretty good. The characters are mostly rather likable, even if their inclusions in this movie don't add up to anything. The only ones who don't have a ton of depth are the villains. Most of them are pretty damn flat and feel kinda lifeless, too. So, there's really nothing note-worthy to say about the villains. They're just pretty bland and generic. So overall, I can definitely say that the writing here isn't great, but it's not awful either, because it still has enough quality to where I can overlook some of the rushed story. Speaking of quality, the acting here is pretty good, too, Like I mentioned earlier, the actors from most of the DC shows that you'd see on the CW Network reprise their roles for this movie. And they do a really good job here. Now admittedly, I don't know if this is the same kind of acting that would be present on shows such as "Arrow", "The Flash", or "DC's Legends of Tomorrow", but regardless, the acting here is still really good. And I can't really comment much on the acting beyond that.

The animation here is also really good, too. That being said, there is one minor thing that caught my eye, and you'd really have to notice it like I did in order to catch it. So right around when Mari gets first captured, she still has her necklace on. However, in a couple of close-up shots, you don't see the necklace wrapped around her neck. Now I don't know if they were trying to hide that fact intentionally, or if it was because the animators forgot to add in a small detail such as a black string being wrapped around Mari's neck. But again, you'd really have to notice that kinda detail like I did. And even then, nobody's gonna really notice it, or even care about it, because I'm kinda nitpicky like that sometimes. But anyway, the animation here is great. The animation here is very fluid, the character designs are great, and the color palettes are pretty good, too. On the subject of character designs, since this movie is supposedly a part of the Arrowverse, part of me wonders if the likenesses for both Stephen Amell and Grant Gustin were used for this movie, since they were both reprising their roles for these characters? I don't know if that's the case or not, or if they just decided to go with their own original designs for this movie. But regardless, the character designs are on point, and the animation, like I just said, is great also.

Sound-mix here is mostly mixed well. The score here is, honestly, nothing to write home about. There's nothing ultimately wrong with it, but there's nothing here that's going to keep you humming to this movie's score. It's just there, really. And at the very least, it does it's job well enough to be serviceable.

So overall, guys, can I recommend "Vixen: The Movie"? Um...I suppose if you're wanting to watch a different kind of movie from DC Comics that doesn't feature either Batman or Superman, then yes, I suppose I could recommend it there. If you're someone who likes DC's animated films, then this movie is certainly going to be up your alley. Mind you, this thing is nowhere near as good as some of the other animated films that DC and Warner Bros. have put out, however, it's still a decent movie. Sure, the story feels pretty rushed at times, and most of the characters feel pretty flat save for Mari, but I could still recommend it to watch, at least, once. And I suppose if you're one of the few people who use the CW Seed app, and you wanted to watch this movie in front of your TV and not from the app, then yeah, I could also recommend it there, too. As for myself, it's a pretty decent movie. I'm not totally sure if it's something I'm gonna be watching multiple times over, or even a second time, but it was definitely worth watching once. However, there is another positive to this movie. You see, this version of the movie on DVD has two bonus episodes from "Justice League Unlimited" that were picked out by Bruce Timm. And as some of you may know, I loved "Justice League Unlimited". So you know what? I'm gonna go watch those episodes right now, because even though this movie was just OK, anything with "Justice League Unlimited" attached to it is an instant win in my book.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Red Sonja

Welcome, one and all, to "Tales of the Longbox" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentleman, I'm gonna be covering a fantasy film from 1985. That movie is "Red Sonja".

Now, I'm not too familiar with the character of Red Sonja. From what I could gather, she started life back in the 1970's over at Marvel Comics. And Marvel published comics about Red Sonja up until about 1986. I'm gonna get back to that part in a bit, because I have a theory about something regarding that. But anyway, aside from a single one-shot that Marvel published in 1995, this character really didn't get much of any spotlight up until Dynamite Entertainment came along and took the character under their wing, and they've been publishing Red Sonja comics all the way through today. At least at the time that I'm writing this review, anyways.

So anyway, aside from comics, in regards to movies, there's only about 2 Red Sonja movies that exist. One of them is an animated film that I had no idea even existed up until I started to do research going into this movie. And speaking of which, there's also this movie that I'm gonna be watching tonight. I don't know a whole lot about this movie other than who stars in it. One of them is Brigitte Nielsen, who plays our lead character. And the other cast member is Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have no idea if that's gonna be a good thing or not, but I'll find out eventually when I start watching the movie.

Before I do that, though, there is a theory that I do want to touch upon. Mind you, this is all just a theory, so you have to take it for what it's worth. You see, as I mentioned earlier, this movie came out in 1985. And about a year after this movie came out, Marvel stopped publishing comics about Red Sonja. And I can't help but wonder if this movie was the one responsible for damaging this character's reputation? Because not a lot of people were very kind to this movie, both fans and critics alike. And because of this film's negative reception, part of me wonders if this movie was so bad that Marvel was forced to stop publishing Red Sonja comics to a point where they had to, basically, shelve this character for almost 20 years, before Dynamite Entertainment came along and gave the character's reputation back? I don't know, and I could be totally wrong on all this, but it does leave me very curious.

I don't really know what to expect from this movie, guys. I kinda have my doubts about this thing being any good, what with it's questionable reputation and all, but it still might be interesting on a laughably bad level. I have no idea if this movie is gonna end up meeting those standards, but the only I'm gonna find out is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Red Sonja".

16 minutes later

All right, guys, I think now is the perfect time to mention this as any. The costuming in this movie looks like shit. Most of the armor on all of these knights look terrible, the helmets look overly detailed, and the costuming on this old guy that I just saw looks ridiculous as all hell. And the worst about this is that I'm gonna have to get use to this horrible costuming for the next hour and 10 minutes or so.

7 minutes later

Jesus Christ, the acting in this movie is fucking terrible. Mind you, I was kinda expecting this from Arnold, but shockingly, the acting from Brigitte Nielsen is even worse! Holy shit, guys...I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to get use to this horrible acting, especially if it's coming from our two main leads. This is gonna hurt...

13 minutes later

Wait, are those guys wearing blue jeans? It's kinda hard to tell, but it really looks like a couple of these guys are wearing blue jeans. I didn't know jeans existed back in the middle ages, but hey, I guess you learn something new everyday, don't ya?

18 minutes later

You know, guys, you would think that a scene where our heroes battling for their lives against a sea creature would be kinda cool and interesting, but no. It's fucking boring as shit. Then again, this entire movie has been boring as shit, and I still haven't been given a reason to care about anything as to what's been going on. I really hope as we get closer to the final act, it's gonna get more interesting from there, but somehow, I really don't think it's going to.

18 minutes later

Guys, I'd just like to state right now that out of all the characters in this movie, Prince Tarn is the one I want the most dead. He has been painfully annoying since he's been on camera, and I just want him dead. I totally understand that it's probably not going to happen, but I can at least dream of it, can I?

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Red Sonja". Thank god, it's over. Let me go ahead and shut this crap off...OK. Jesus Christ, that was boring. So...um, what to even start with? So...you guys happen to remember my theory about how this movie supposedly damaged this character's reputation to a point where Marvel stopped publishing comics about this character for a long time? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if that theory turned out to be true. Because this movie is just garbage, and it's not even the fun kind of garbage you can laugh at for almost 90 minutes.

So anyway, let's just get into this movie by talking about the writing. Now, going into this movie, I originally thought that this story was going to be an origin story for our main character Red Sonja. Because since it is a common trope for comic book movies, you would expect that kind of thing to happen here, too. And while that does happen, it's very one and done. Because we're first introduced to this ghostly spirit that visits Sonja, who explains to her that her home was burned down and her family was killed by Queen Gedren's forces. Sonja tried to fight back by leaving a cut mark across Queen Gedren's face after she refuses to be in her army. And then she's met with what I just mentioned, along with her being raped by Queen Gedren's soldiers and then leaving her for dead. And after that happens, the ghostly spirit tells Sonja that in order to get vengeance against Queen Gedren, she's going to bestow her the ability to fight, as long as she never falls in love with a man until she's beaten in a fair fight by him. By the way, I should mention that we NEVER learn about anything about this ghostly spirit that visits Sonja. Like, how is she able to grant Sonja the ability to fight? Where did she originally come from? Is it normal for this ghostly spirit to just grant anyone powers to someone who's gone through hell by Queen Gedren and her soldiers? Or is it just because fuck you, that's why? I don't know. My guess would be the latter option, but I have no idea if that was a thing in the comics or not. If it was, then I kinda hope there's a better explanation for it. Otherwise, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Now the reason why I say that Red Sonja's origin story is just one and done is because that entire explanation I just gave out happens within about five minutes, and then the story kinda kicks off from there after we get through the opening credits. I say 'kinda', because the story then becomes a very safe, by the numbers fantasy movie. Where it's not really doing anything new or different, so it ends up becoming a very standard fantasy movie. And if it was just that, then I wouldn't have had a problem with that. However...there really isn't much of a story here. This movie is damn near plotless, outside of a talisman that was stolen by Queen Gedren's soldiers that's able to destroy the world, and Queen Gedren wants it for herself for it's power. And we learn all that from Sonja's sister, who ends up dying after she tells all this to her, and that she has 13 days to destroy the talisman, otherwise the world will be destroyed. And once she's been told all this, the story just comes to a dead stop because nothing of interest really happens here. Our characters are all fucking shallow and lifeless. You'd think after what we learned about Sonja's backstory, we'd have a reason to care about her. But no, her personality in this movie has all the likability of a kitchen sponge. And it barely, if at all, changes throughout this entire movie. Then we have Kalidor, who is Schwarzenegger's character in this movie. What's funny about him is that even though he takes up most of the space you see on the front cover, he's BARELY in this movie. He shows a few times in the beginning portion of the movie. He then later disappears throughout the entire middle of it after fighting some soldiers wearing some really goofy-looking fish armor, which I'll talk about later when I get to costuming. And then he comes back randomly during the third act while our other characters are trying to fight off this sea creature, who is actually a machine. Don't ask why, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense.

Speaking of which, that leads into our other two characters, Prince Tarn and his aide Falkon. Jesus Christ, this prince is one of the most irritating child characters I ever came across in this entire movie. And what's sad about all this is the fact that we have to put up with his annoying ass throughout a majority of the entire movie. I really thought that, since Schwarzenegger was advertised for this movie, he would be more of a focus and that we might see some conflict between him and Sonja. However, that gets kneecapped because the two writers for this movie thought it would be a much better idea to have an annoying young prince be more of a focus than Schwarzenegger. And sadly, nothing really bad happens to this prince, which I'm not too happy about, personally, but whatever. What I'm also not happy about is the dialogue. Let's talk about the dialogue, shall we? Dialogue in this movie is fucking horrible. Most of that could be attributed to the terrible acting, but what also makes it terrible is that, on certain occasions, our characters would state the fucking obvious. For example, when Sonja is first about to choose her sword, the Grand Master that teaches her in the art of combat states that a good swordsman needs a good sword. Really now? Next thing you'll tell me is that she needs the fucking Master Sword to defeat Queen Gedren for all I know. But anyway, there is that. Also, when her sister finally dies after telling her that she needs to go to Queen Gedren's castle and destroy the talisman, Kalidor puts a hand on her shoulder and tells her that she's dead. Thanks Kalidor, I NEVER would've known that if you hadn't told us. And my favorite one of the bunch has to be when Sonja and Kalidor are battling the sea monster. After they rip out it's eyes, Kalior tells Prince Tarn and Falkon to get out of here, because the sea creature is blind. No shit the creature's fucking blind, Kalidor! Anyone with a pair of functioning eyes could've seen that for themselves!

Jesus Christ, guys, the writing in this movie is fucking terrible. Combine all that with characters who are shallow and bland as all hell, and dialogue which is just terrible beyond words, and you have, basically, a really poorly written movie. And top of all THAT, we also have the acting. Oh dear heavenly fuck the acting...where do I even start with this? Well, I guess I should state that I wasn't expecting miracles from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because his acting, at least to me, has never been that good. And because he wasn't in this movie for a good portion of it, I can give him a slight pass here. The same, however, can't be said for anyone else. The acting from everybody else in this movie is just awful. The two noticeable ones have to go to Prince Tarn and Sonja. Prince Tarn's actor falls into a trap that a lot of child actors fall into. You see, I've stated before that if you're working with a child actor, and that child actor is gonna be the focus of any movie that you work on, you better make damn sure that your child actor can at least put on a passable performance. Because if they don't, then you're running the risk of them bringing your entire movie down. And, lull and behold, Prince Tarn's actor falls into that category very easily. He is a terrible child actor, and his acting did not improve as the film went along. And yet, somehow, he's not the worst actor in this movie. That honor goes Brigitte Nielsen as Sonja. Now, guys...I am not kidding when I say this, but every single line of dialogue she gives out sounds overly stilted and incredibly robotic. There is no emotion in her voice when she's giving out her lines, and all of it sounds fucking painful to listen to. Now, I have no idea if that's how she naturally sounds like when acting, or if the material she was given wasn't good enough for her character, but she was in no way the right person to play Sonja. OK yes, she has the red hair of Sonja, but you could've gotten anybody else in that role, and either dyed their hair red, or get a wig for them, and they could've turned in a better showing than what Brigitte Nielsen could do here. She was just awful in this movie, and the same could be said for just about anyone else. Nobody here turned in a decent showing, and because of that, it makes a really bad movie even worse.

I normally don't ever talk about this very often, but I want to touch upon the costuming next. Because this is something that really bugged the shit out of me while watching this movie. I hinted at it at the start of this thing, but the costuming in this movie is almost complete shit. I say 'almost', because our main characters are the only ones who wear any type of normal clothing in this movie. Everyone else, though? Good lord, where do I even start? Well, a lot of the costumes in this movie, for some bizarre reasoning, are overly detailed. Two of which I can think of right off the bat are the Grand Master and Queen Gedren. I don't know what the hell the costume designers were going for here, but for some reason, the Grand Master has these ridiculously long wires that are just popping out of his shoulders, which also supports, I think, flag banners as well. I don't know if that's suppose to be his swords or what have you, but they had NO reason to be that fucking big. And Queen Gedren is not all that better. Because outside of having a ridiculous mask over face, she also has a cape that she wears, which is made entirely out of beads. To me, that just looks really impractical, but she does indeed wear that for some stupid reasoning. But then there are all the soldiers in this movie. Every single one of them either is ridiculously over-detailed, or it just looks really stupid on them. A couple of the helmets I saw some soldiers wear looked liked BDSM helmets. Don't ask me why I thought that, I just did. A group of them I mentioned earlier were ones that were wearing some really goofy, really stupid-looking fish armor that looked like rejects that came from fucking Atlantis. One particular helmet that REALLY looked out of place was during the beginning of the movie. We get to see some of Queen Gedren's soldiers moving the talisman away from this sanctuary after killing the priests there, and the helmets that they wear have horns that are just RIDICULOUSLY big. How big, you may ask? Well, this might sound like an over-generalization, but, to me, they looked like they were about 5-6 feet long! That is just incredibly unnecessary! I don't know how many people were involved in the costuming department, but they went WAY overboard went designing these costumes. And to me, anyway, the costuming in this movie is just shit because it was just trying way too hard to look interesting.

Special effects are really nothing to write home about. The effects here are mostly cheap. The only effect I could say that looked kinda decent was the sea creature. It wasn't anything amazing, mind you, but at least the sea creature looked halfway decent. So, I can at least give the effects that much. Camerawork here is OK. The lighting here isn't too bad. Sound-mix here is mixed fine. The score here is, actually, the one thing I could say that this movie did mostly well on. And that's mainly because the score for this movie was composed by the legendary Ennio Morricone. Unfortunately, even I can't say it's all that great, because I've heard far better from Morricone, mostly from the Dollars trilogy. But again, I want to stress that the score here isn't bad, it's just not very memorable, especially coming from Ennio Morricone. But that's just me, personally. Anyway, the score here is, honestly, the only real positive I can give this movie, mostly because it had Morricone's touch to it.

So anyway, when all is said and done, guys, can I recommend "Red Sonja"? No. I really cannot recommend this movie, unless if maybe, just MAYBE, you wanted to watch this thing on a bad movie night with some friends, and you want to just riff on something for about 90 minutes. If that's the case, then you go right on ahead and check it out for that reason alone. But if you're honestly looking for a good movie, then hell fucking no. This movie is fucking garbage from start to finish. There really is nothing here that will keep you invested, because the story is almost non-existent, the characters all feel bland and lifeless, the dialogue is complete shit, and the acting is even worse. Nothing about this movie works, save for the music. But that's really not enough of a reason for you to watch this thing. I may not have read the Red Sonja comics, but even I feel offended by watching this, because this movie was just that bad. And not even bad on a fun level, it's just...awful. Now...I'm gonna go and watch something better. And seeing that this was a fantasy movie, I think I'm gonna go and watch my copy of "The Last Unicorn". Because I need to feel happy after watching...this. Just...oh god, I'm sorry I even wasted the time on this fucking thing. So yeah, I'm gonna go and do that next.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.