Welcome, one and all, to the "Video Game Movie Marathon" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a Japanese zombie film from 2008. That movie is "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad".
Now, when I first read that title and saw the cover art for it, my mind was instantly thinking of "This has got to be some over-the-top goofy Japanese film". And reading the back of the DVD case, it looks to be just that. But what also caught my interest was that this movie was based off a video game franchise with the same name. I know this, because the tagline states this thing as "The Cult Video Game By World-Leading Developer D3 Is Now Blockbuster a Live Action Film". Sure. It's such a cult game that...even I have never heard of it.
Well, there actually is a reason as to why I've never heard about the Onechanbara series. You see, this video game franchise came to life back in 2004 on the PlayStation 2 in Japan. And the games never got released outside of Japan, up until about 2009 when the first Onechanbara game came out on the Xbox 360. And funnily enough, the game was entitled "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad". Which is also the same name as this movie. So, I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that this movie is a straight-up adaptation of that very same game. I could be totally wrong on that, seeing as how I've never played any of the Onechanbara games, but that's what I'm sticking with. Anyway, on that very same year, we also got another Onechanbara game on the Nintendo Wii of all things. Then later, there was another game released in 2015. And the last one to come out here in the U.S. came out in 2020. So yeah, we've gotten a pretty short hand when it comes to this franchise. Now, mind you, there are quite a bit more Onechanbara games than the ones I just listed, but like I said, most of those didn't come out in the U.S.
I should also note that, I believe, this is the first time that I'm ever watching a Japanese zombie film. I've seen a handful of zombies films in my time, but most of those were indie films. I don't think I've ever seen a Japanese zombie movie in my life. So, you know what? I'm in for a very interesting experience tonight. I don't know if it's gonna end up being a GOOD experience, but the only way I'm gonna find out if this thing is any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad".
2 minutes later
Wait, so the opening credits states this thing was based on "The Onechambara"..? *picks up DVD case and reads the cover* You know, your movie is called Onechanbara for a fucking reason, right? You don't call it 'Onechambara', when your fucking title states it as Onechanbara! That makes no fucking sense at all, guys.
17 minutes later
Well, guys, I think may have regretted my decision in watching the English dub. This dub, at least so far, kinda sucks. I'm genuinely hoping that it gets better as the movie goes on. But if it doesn't, then I'm gonna be in for a bit of a painful experience here.
4 minutes later
So, we just got hit with Aya's backstory about how her father was killed by her little sister. And yet, as we just saw with her flashback, there were a few people who surrounded her father that ended up killing him instead. I couldn't tell you if Aya's sister was one of them, because everyone of them was covered up in head to toe with hooded clothing. I understand that the movie is trying to build up suspense, but because everyone was covered up in clothing, it could be ANYBODY wearing that stuff. I'm sorry, guys, but I feel like we're not getting enough details out of this, you know what I mean?
20 minutes later
And thus, Katsuji has made the ultimate sacrifice by killing his zombie sister. And you know what? I don't care. This movie has been painfully boring. And I have been struggling to stay the fuck awake because nothing of interest has happened within the past 20 minutes or so. I'm really hoping that this movie gets better as it goes along. But, as of right now, I really don't think it's going to.
16 minutes later
All right, guys, I think now might be a good time to mention this as any. This movie's CG blood looks like shit. It really does. And it's taking a rather boring movie and making it just a little bit worse.
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad". Let me shut this thing off here...OK. God, that movie was a chore to get through. Yeah, so...if that wasn't any indication, this movie was shit.
I'm just gonna get into the writing. And I want to start with the movie's tone. Now, way early on, I mentioned the movie's title and the cover art, and I really thought that this thing was going to be some wacky stupid bullshit that I might end up really liking. Because I am a sucker for horror comedies. And I, honest to God, thought that this movie was going to be some silly horror comedy that wasn't going to take itself too seriously. And for, like, the final act, it does end up being a little bit silly. Unfortunately, everything before that is a straight-laced zombie film that takes itself INCREDIBLY seriously. And that's where this movie's writing suffers from the most. This story is taken so seriously that it doesn't leave any room for humor. I mean, come on, would anyone look at a title like "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad" and think that you're gonna get a serious story out of it? Chances are, no. Because it sounds so fucking cheesy and goofy that nobody's gonna view this movie and think that it's gonna take itself seriously. Well, guess what? It DOES just that! It plays itself like a standard, by the numbers, zombie film that it ends up becoming boring as shit. Now, some people might think that there's no difference between a bad movie and a boring movie. Well, I'm gonna counter that argument right here. A bad movie is something that you can watch and still have some fun with. Because I've seen plenty of bad movies in my lifetime, both for this series and on my own time, and I was still able to have some with them. Case in point would be the "Street Fighter" movie from 1994. I've mentioned this movie MANY times for this series, but damn it, it's such a cheesy, lovable film that I can overlook all of the problems that movie had. It hardly ever took itself seriously, and that's what made that film so lovable to begin with. Now, in the case of a boring movie, it's worse. Because if you watch something that just feels lifeless and is putting you to sleep, then your movie has a huge problem. And, big shocker here, "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad" is perfect proof of this. A movie with that kind of title shouldn't sound like it would take itself seriously, but it does. Now, as I stated earlier, I haven't played any of the Onechanbara games. But I'm gonna tell you, if this movie was even partially loyal to the video games, then the writing in those games are fucking garbage. The gameplay might be fun. I can't really judge the gameplay of those games. But if the writing in those games are anything like THIS, then I'm probably gonna hate the writing in those games.
Now, setting aside the movie's tone, what about the characters? Well, in the case of our main character, Aya, she has no personality to begin with. Now, it actually kinda makes sense, believe it or not. Because, at one point, her friend Katsuji explains that because her father was killed, she's not able to smile or be sad, because the death of her father impacted her personality. In fact, she BARELY has any lines in this movie, which is shocking, considering that she is the main character and all. But overall, I can kinda give her a bit of a pass. Speaking of Katsuji, I really couldn't tell you anything memorable about him whatsoever. He's Aya's friend, and he mentions that his sister, Asami, was kidnapped when they were teenagers by Saki, who is Aya's sister that also killed their father, and he wasn't able to protect his sister. I kinda already spoiled this, in case you didn't read it, but he ends up killing his sister after she ends up becoming a zombie. What I find a bit funny is the fact that he tries to talk some sense into her and get her to realize that she's attacking her brother. Um...I'm sorry, but if she's a zombie then there's a STRONG chance that she's not going to listen to you at that point. I'm just saying, it's a bit too late to talk some sense into her, you know what I mean? And then we have Reiko, who uses a gun as her weapon to fight off zombies. Now, this is a minor thing, but this sorta bugged me a bit. Her gun makes a VERY loud sound. And naturally, since this is a zombie film, don't you think that if you fire that thing, you're gonna attract the attention of a lot of zombies? I understand that it's a trivial, and stupid, thing to be bringing up, but, like I said, it was something that kinda bugged me a bit. As for her, the only thing we know about her is that her daughter ended up becoming a zombie. And she had to end up shooting her so that Reiko's daughter wouldn't end up becoming a lifeless zombie. Well...sort of. You see, in this movie, our villain, Dr. Sugita, is a mad scientist who kidnaps people so that he can turn them into controlled zombies for his resurrection project, and take over the world. And these zombies are your standard, typical zombies that offer nothing new or different when compared to other zombies from different medias. The only thing that's kinda new about them is that they can jump. Other than that...not much else. These zombies are boring, and, as I just stated, offer nothing new to the zombie mythos. And as for our villain, he is a very stereotypical mad scientist that wants to control zombies. And he also wants the blood of Aya, because her family bloodline has some powerful blood that he wants for his resurrection project. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's still there, I guess. Overall, guys, the writing in this movie is so boring that it actually makes the movie worse than it should. Again, a cheesy, stupid title like that sounds like it shouldn't take itself seriously. But because this movie committed a cardinal sin in actually taking itself so seriously that it actually kills what little fun there is in this movie.
So, with that being said, what about the acting? Well, I opted to watch the English dub, because I noticed there was an English dub as an option for this movie. And I'm gonna tell you, guys, I probably should've switched over to the Japanese dub. This English dub is just shit. I honestly thought it would've gotten better, but it didn't. There are two noticeable actors I need to make mention of. The first actor is whoever is voicing Katsuji. He easily turns in the worst showing of this dub, because he sounds so fucking bored giving out his lines that I honestly thought the actor voicing Katsuji was on sleeping pills when he was recording his lines. That's how bad he really sounded. The other actor I have to make mention of is the actor voicing our villain. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, or maybe it was just me that noticed this, but I swear that the actor voicing Dr. Sugita sounds like he was trying to give out his best impression of Vincent Price. I don't know WHY I thought that, but that's what I was thinking of the more times he appeared in this movie. The only thing he's missing from his impression is the charm and personality of Vincent Price. But then again, no one's ever going to match what Vincent Price was able to do during his time. Anyway, the acting in this dub is terrible. And nobody else here even tried. Which makes sense, because you can only do so much with a script that's written like shit. And because of that, everybody here phoned it in for this dub. So, I can't really say anything else beyond that, because I can only say so much about writing for an English dub.
Moving onto special effects. There's no way I can get around this, if I don't get the only bad effect out of the way. The CG blood in this movie is terrible. I know I've already stated that, but it shows. There is a LOT of digital blood in this movie, and I wouldn't have had a problem with it, if the digital blood actually looked good. But it didn't. And what's even sadder is that it outnumbers the practical blood in this movie, which looks pretty good. I mean, granted, it's nothing amazing, but it's certainly a lot better than the digital blood that's in this movie. And what makes the digital blood worse is that you don't get to see any blood from the zombies after they die. Like, you don't see any of their blood that's on the ground or what have you. I understand that you'd probably have to go out of your way to get all of that blood to show, but it would still kinda help. The only time that you get to see blood splatter anywhere is when, on a few shots, some blood will splatter on the camera as Aya is just cutting down zombies. Anything else, it's just blood that splatters from the zombies and disappears as soon as they're dead. I know it might sound like a minor complaint, and it probably is, but I just think digital blood, in a lot of cases, does not work. And it probably would've been better if they used more practical blood. Speaking of which, as I just stated, the practical blood is pretty good. Again, it's not amazing, but it's still good for what it is. Makeup effects on the zombies are fine. Costuming here is decent. Overall, the special effects are decent, save for the usage of digital blood.
Camerawork here is pretty good. Lighting here is decent. Sound-mix is OK. The soundtrack and score are incredibly forgetful. Nothing about it is going to stick out at you, and it's just a forgetful score in the end.
Ultimately, guys, am I able to recommend "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad"? No. Hell no. There is no way I can recommend this, unless if you're someone who's really into zombie films. But other than that, I can't recommend this thing to anyone else. As I stated earlier, I have no idea if this movie was even loyal to the Onechanbara games, but I'm going to assume that they're a hell of a lot better than this. At least, I'm going to assume that based on the gameplay. The writing might still be garbage in those games, but the gameplay might still be decent. But if there is anyone who is a fan of the Onechanbara games, and you HAVE seen this movie, then I'll ask: Was this movie at all loyal to the source material? I'm a little bit curious there. Also, if you absolutely have to find a copy of this movie, make sure you find it at a more reasonable price. Because I spent $12 to get this movie. I know this, because I still haven't bothered to take off the price tag for this movie after I bought it well over a year ago. And the fact that I'm still seeing that $12 price tag makes me feel like I was ripped off...which I was. So, I'm gonna happily trade this thing in the moment I get that chance. But, for now...I'm gonna go watch a better zombie movie. And the first thing that instantly comes to mind is "Dead & Breakfast". I'm gonna go watch that, so I can, hopefully, get this stupid movie out of my mind.
Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.
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