Reaction & Review | Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

 

Welcome, one and all, to the "Video Game Movie Marathon" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a movie from 2005. A movie that I REALLY don't want to watch, but circumstances being what they are, I'm kinda stuck with it. So yeah, as I stated, it came out in 2005. That movie is..."Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children". Oh lord...this hurts.

So, way back when I first started doing this marathon, one of the movies that I was gonna be reviewing this month was something that I wasn't looking forward to, and this is THAT movie. I've been dreading going into this movie, and there's a reason for that. You see, way back when I reviewed "Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals", I stated that I wasn't a huge Final Fantasy fan. I had only played a handful of the games, and I had only beaten one of them. One of those games I mentioned that I played was Final Fantasy VII. I never beat it, because I was missing some requirements in order to beat that game. And I didn't bother to go back and replay it, because I had long since traded it in. The game became incredibly boring, and I have no desire to ever go back to it. A bit of useless trivia, though. I mentioned back when I reviewed "Final Fantasy: Legend of the Crystals" that I was missing a certain ability that would help defeat Sephiroth. Well, the night after I uploaded that review onto my blogspot account, Sephiroth was announced for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. So, there's your useless trivia of the day.

But going back to this movie, the only things I know about it is that it's set in the world of Final Fantasy VII. And, I believe, this takes place several years after the events of that game. That, and I know this entire movie is rendered in CG. So, beyond that, I know nothing else about the content of this movie. What I DO know about it is how this film has been received, and thus will tie into another reason as to why I'm not looking forward to watching it. Apparently, this movie is incredibly polarizing among fans of the Final Fantasy series. Some people say it's pretty good, others says it's OK but it's nothing amazing, and other fans, especially fans of Final Fantasy VII, will admit that this movie is a piece of shit. So, this thing already has a spotty reputation going into it. And I don't think I'm the right person to cover this, because I'm not a fan of this particular game of the franchise. And you're probably asking yourself "Well, if you're not a fan of Final Fantasy VII, or a fan of the Final Fantasy franchise, then WHY are on Earth are you even covering this thing?" And the answer's real simple. I couldn't find anything else to put into this marathon. I couldn't find the specific film that I wanted to cover from Uwe Boll, and I REFUSE to watch the retarded-looking live-action Sonic movie, so I ended up picking this one. And yes, I do know that there are other Final Fantasy movies, but I don't want to watch ANY of those. Because I pray to whatever deity that's out there that this will be the last Final Fantasy movie I ever watch for this series.

Now, I know I'm going into this thing with a massive anti-Final Fantasy VII bias, but I still want to find something here that's decent. And who knows? Maybe, just MAYBE, I might end up really liking this thing. I have strong doubts about that, but I want to have some hope. Because if I don't have any hopes going into this thing, then I'm gonna hate it before I even push play. So, I may as well quit stalling, because I've stalled quite enough as is, and if see there's anything redeemable here. And the only way I'm gonna find out if there's anything redeemable about this movie, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. I don't really want to, but damn it, I'm gonna have to. So, without further ado...it's time to kick back...relax...and check out........."Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children".

4 minutes later

All right, I know this is still very early in the movie, but I feel like I need to make mention of this. You guys can't hear this for obvious reasons, but whoever they got to do this opening narration sounds really fucking bad. It's probably because they got some child actor to do this, and this child's narration is making me want to fall asleep. I REALLY hope this thing gets better, because already, we're starting off in a rather bad way.

19 minutes later

So, guys, I'm gonna ask this. Is ANYTHING interesting going to happen in this fucking movie? We're already in a fight scene between Tifa and this guy here, and it's boring as shit. I understand that I'm not a fan of VII, but you would at least think that the fight scenes would be cool and interesting. But it's not. At least, so far anyway. I'm kinda hoping, maybe, the fight scenes will get better as the film goes along. I'm certainly the movie itself actually improves on from here. But somehow, I kinda doubt it.

16 minutes later

Guys, I'm just gonna say this right now. The acting has gotten worse, which I didn't think was even possible, and the dialogue is complete shit. But do you know what's worse? This movie has just introduced Vincent Valentine. And that would've been fine...except he's voiced by Steve Blum. So...to summarize, you have horrible voice acting, and to top itself off, you bring in the godfather of bad voice acting in Steve Blum. Words cannot describe, right now, how much I hate this fucking movie, guys.

18 minutes later

So now they just brought in the entire cast from Final Fantasy VII in this movie. And you know what? I don't care. This movie is still boring as shit, and I am slowly losing the will to live with each passing moment. Can I please just stop watching this...?

20 minutes later

Oh boy, guys, we're now up to the 'big' final showdown between Cloud and Sephiroth. And I'm sure this won't be the same bullshit that we've seen many times from them before and after this. God, why is this movie not finished yet?!

5 minutes later

All right, so now Sephiroth has been defeated, I guess. So...can this movie end? No...? Why is there still another 20 minutes of movie left?! What the fuck else is left that hasn't been resolved yet? These 20 minutes better be worth it, otherwise, I'm gonna be really pissed.

The Review

Oh...thank you, God. This worthless, stagnant, dogshit is done. No...shut up! I am not sitting through 10 minutes worth of credits. Fuck you, movie! Well, guys, that was "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children"...you guys have no idea how happy I am to see a movie end. Jesus Christ, was that ever boring. And now I actually have to talk about this fucking thing.

I may as well just start by saying this. This movie was not catered towards me. I know that's a big shocker, considering that I am not a fan of Final Fantasy VII, but it's true. This kind of movie was intended for fans of Final Fantasy VII. Not totally sure about the entirety of the Final Fantasy fanbase, but I'm not gonna get into that. My point being that fans of Final Fantasy VII are, more than likely, gonna enjoy this. They'll definitely find something more out of this thing than I did. However...I am not here to judge this movie as it being a loyal sequel to Final Fantasy VII. If you're expecting me to bring up plot points and continuity issues from Final Fantasy VII, you're not gonna see that here. I'm here to judge this thing as a movie and whether or not it's entertaining. I have made that point abundantly clear back when I started doing this "Video Game Movie Marathon", and I'm gonna stick by that statement no matter what anyone says. I don't care if the movie is based off a video game or a comic book. If your writing is shit, and if you fail to deliver on the entertainment factor, then loyalty to the source material doesn't fucking matter. And in the case of this movie, that statement certainly rings true. Because there is nothing here that will grab your attention, especially if you're not into Final Fantasy. Because this movie is all style and no substance. And I know I'm kinda getting ahead of myself because it sounds like I'm getting into recommendations already, so I should probably back it up a bit and try to get into the movie itself first.

I'm gonna start with writing. And I'm gonna be honest with you when I say this, this movie borders on being plotless. Hell, I could be lazy and say that this movie is another plotless action movie. Which is something I didn't think would be possible with Final Fantasy, but lull and behold, this movie certainly accomplished that. The only thing we have to a plot is that we have this biker gang lead by our villain Kadaj. And throughout this entire movie, they are looking for something called Mother. What Mother is, they don't really explain. I'm guessing it's suppose to be something related to JENOVA, but I really couldn't make heads or tails on that. But I can tell you that they were after some green liquid that was being held in a container by some guy in a wheelchair. And once Kadaj gets a hold of it, he's somehow, someway, able to turn into Sephiroth. I think Vincent, at one point, mentioned that they were some physical remnants of Sephiroth, and that they were trying to get revenge on the world by forming themselves as Sephiroth after they get the green liquid that they were trying to find. Guys, NONE of this shit makes any sense. And since this pretty much is a plotless action movie, there's nothing else that resembles a story. What's shocking about that is that this movie is suppose to be a sequel to Final Fantasy VII. And regardless of how I felt about that game's story, at least it had something resembling a plot that you could possibly engage yourself in. This movie, however, has nothing for you to engage with. This movie relies heavily on action that you're not gonna care about the fucking story in this movie, because it loves to rely on it's boring action scenes. And yes, they are boring. Which is a HORRIBLE thing for an action movie, because you should never have boring action scenes for an action movie. And the reason why they are so boring is that there SO MUCH of it in this movie! To a point where it gives barely any time for the story to flesh itself out. And top of all that, it brings the pacing of this movie down to a screeching halt. The worst example of this is when Kadaj and his gang release this monster in the city, and the main cast of Final Fantasy VII start to fight it. That entire sequence took WAY too fucking long to get through, because it eats up so much time from the movie. And it doesn't get any better from there, as most of the latter 40 minutes of the film has nothing but more action. And it's boring as shit. Hell, guys, the action scenes in this movie make the action scenes in "The Ninja Mission" look like Lupin the fucking 3rd! Process that for just a moment! How dull do your action scenes have to be when a video game movie such as this makes action scenes from a shitty Swedish action film look like gold? That sounds fucking impossible, but this movie actually accomplished that! The pacing in this movie is fucking garbage.

As for our characters, well...I'm gonna summarize it like this. If you have never played Final Fantasy VII, and if you're hoping to get a better understanding of who these characters are, then you're shit out of luck. Because this movie does nothing to make you care about these characters. The only thing that this movie does to try and bridge the gap that this thing is a sequel to Final Fantasy VII is that, in the prologue, they show an abridged version of the climax of Final Fantasy VII. They don't tell you anything about the characters, aside from Sephiroth. And this movie doesn't try to make you care about who our main protagonists were from Final Fantasy VII, because they just show up to fight this monster in this city. And once it's destroyed, they don't do shit for the rest of the movie. And what's funny about this is that fans of Final Fantasy VII will probably even think that they're inclusion in this movie is just so forced and non-existent that even THEY are going to forget that they even appeared in this movie. And as I stated earlier, non-fans are not gonna care about these characters. Basically, if you didn't know that Cloud and Tifa are childhood friends, or that Barret has an adopted daughter named Marlene, then you're not gonna give a fuck about any of these characters. It also doesn't help that their dialogue, not just from them but almost the entire movie, is complete shit. This is some of the most stilted dialogue I have ever heard from a movie in a LONG time. Nobody in this movie talks like a normal person, nobody in this movie has any natural dialogue, nobody sounds like they're in a normal conversation with each other, because it all sounds so horribly stilted and completely robotic that it has no natural feeling to it. And that can be all attributed to the acting. But before I can get into that, I want to state that the writing in this movie is complete shit. And even for a plotless action movie, it fails on delivering anything that could be considered partially interesting.

But now, I want to get into the acting. Oh dear heavenly fuck the acting...I have a LOT to talk about with this subject. But I want to get the minor stuff out of the way first. Steve Blum still phones in the same lifeless, bullshit acting he's been doing for a very long time in his voice acting career. So, it's nothing new here. Plus, he doesn't have a whole lot of dialogue in this movie, so I'm willing to give some of his shitty acting a pass in this thing. Also, I didn't know that the character known as Cait Sith had a Scottish accent. But then again, considering that he's never had a voice up to that point, I guess you learn something new everyday. I don't recall that character's dialogue in Final Fantasy VII having any hint of a Scottish accent, but again, at least it's something unique. Not good, mind you, but it's still somewhat unique. But for everyone else...oh dear god, where do I even begin? Well, Cloud's voice actor sounds like he took a heavy dose of sleeping pills before he decided to record his lines. Which is rather sad, considering that we're suppose to follow him as the main character, and he sounds like he REALLY wants to fall asleep. We have acting that ranges from being wooden to sounding like it's incredibly lifeless. We even have a couple of actors in this movie, and I'm not kidding when I say this, trying to imitate the acting style of William Shatner. Now, for those who don't know, William Shatner is one of the most hammiest actors in the world of film. So much so that it's been parodied through movies and television to a point where it becomes incredibly memorable. This movie tries to imitate that acting style, and it fails miserably, because the dialogue is just so shitty, that the acting actually hurts the performance more so than helps it. But then again, I could also just say that no actor is ever going to outdo the hamminess that is William Shatner's acting.

While I'm on the subject of acting, there's two particular actors that I need to bring up. One of them is whoever they got to voice Marlene. I would love to tell you who voiced Marlene, but I can't. I can't, because even Wikipedia doesn't list who voiced her. Which is a rather telling sign, because that tells me that they didn't want to give this actress any recognition due to her horrendous performance in this movie. Now I did state earlier that the person narrating the prologue was a child actress. But I don't know if that's truly accurate or not, because I don't have the information on who voiced Marlene. But if it is, then this child actress is one of the WORST child actors I've ever heard. It really sounds like she's reading off a script while sounding incredibly tone deaf at the same time. I understand that may not be saying much, given that child actors are not very good to begin with, but I've heard both good AND bad child acting in the past, and even they turn in better showings than the actress voicing Marlene. I hope this actress has taken extensive acting lessons after this, or if she's stayed far, FAR away from a fucking recording booth because she does not know how to act. Speaking of which, the worst actress in this movie goes to the actress voicing Tifa Lockhart. I don't know what the hell went on during her recording sessions for this movie, but she does not know what the hell she's doing in this movie. Because almost every single line of dialogue she gives out sounds incredibly robotic. She does not know when to express an emotion at the right time. And on the rare when she IS doing that, it sounds so fucking unnatural that it kills whatever impact the movie was trying to show. She is easily the worst actress in this entire movie. So much so that I almost wanted to switch this movie over to the Japanese dub. But I didn't, because I wasn't in the mood to switch over dubs, and I wanted to see if the acting in this dub got any better. Well...it sure as shit didn't. This movie has one of the WORST English dubs in the history of any dub, be it for live-action or anime. This dub is complete garbage. And if you seriously have to watch this movie, I highly recommend you watch it with the Japanese audio. At the very least, the acting will be less painful than what was present for this English dub.

As for the animation, well, it's perfectly fine, for the most part. The CG in this is, essentially, something you would view out of a PlayStation 2 cutscene. In fact, what you're watching for the hour and 41 minute runtime of this movie is one giant PlayStation 2 cutscene. Everything here is animated very well. Granted, some of the visuals look rather dated. However, you also have to understand that this movie came out right before the seventh generation of video game consoles were released, such as the Nintendo Wii, Xbox 360, and PlayStation 3. And back then, we didn't have a lot of the modern realistic cutscenes that you see in a lot of games released today. So, for a movie to look like this back in 2005 is actually pretty cool. Like, I can dump on the fucking writing and atrocious acting, but I can't really say much of anything bad involving the CG in this movie. Again, some of it looks rather dated by today's standards. But it still looks really good for 2005 standards, so the CG in this movie works really well.

Sound-mix here is mixed fine. The music here is a lot of rock music that is OK at best. There are some songs in here that are remixes from Final Fantasy VII, such as the fight scene I mentioned earlier involving Tifa and that one guy, where the remix is from a standard battle scene in Final Fantasy VII. Granted, it's nowhere near as good as that song was, but it's still passable. Of course, the only song that is memorable to anyone who knows about Advent Children is Sephiroth's theme. In fact, the DVD menu pretty much plays Sephiroth's theme. Which tells me anyway that the movie didn't really have any actual memorable songs other than that one lone piece, so they figured they would play that to get the viewers attention. But that's just me nitpicking about stupid bullshit. But anyway, the soundtrack and the score here is fine.

Ultimately, guys, can I recommend "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children"? Um...only if you liked Final Fantasy VII. Non-fans are not gonna understand ANYTHING about this. And for those who didn't like Final Fantasy VII are not gonna want to watch this either. I only sat through it because I couldn't find anything else to cover for this marathon, and I wanted to see if it would make for a decent episode. I would say it totally does, but that would just be me tooting my own horn. But I still wanted to find something redeemable about this movie. Even though I didn't like Final Fantasy VII, or even finished the game to begin with, I still wanted to find something decent out of this movie. I wanted to find something that would be classified as redeemable. However, what I got was the exact opposite. The writing is almost non-existent that it hurts, the characters all suck, the voice acting (at least for the dub) is absolute garbage, and as a plotless action movie, it also sucks. That being said, can I recommend this for fans of plotless action movies? Um...God, I don't really know about that. I guess, maybe, if you have a morbid curiosity...then sure. Knock yourself out if you're dumb enough to watch this thing. As for myself, I am just so happy that I never get to watch this piece of shit ever again. In fact, I'm gonna go on record and state that I am officially putting the ban hammer on every single Final Fantasy movie from here on out. I am done covering any more films from that series. And the sooner I'm able to trade this stupid movie in the better. God, this movie was torturous to get through. Um...I'm gonna go watch a better action movie. I think I'm just gonna pop in a 007 movie. I don't care which one at this point, I just want to watch a better action movie that's actually gonna be interesting and entertaining. Which is far more than what I could say about this movie.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad

 

Welcome, one and all, to the "Video Game Movie Marathon" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a Japanese zombie film from 2008. That movie is "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad".

Now, when I first read that title and saw the cover art for it, my mind was instantly thinking of "This has got to be some over-the-top goofy Japanese film". And reading the back of the DVD case, it looks to be just that. But what also caught my interest was that this movie was based off a video game franchise with the same name. I know this, because the tagline states this thing as "The Cult Video Game By World-Leading Developer D3 Is Now Blockbuster a Live Action Film". Sure. It's such a cult game that...even I have never heard of it.

Well, there actually is a reason as to why I've never heard about the Onechanbara series. You see, this video game franchise came to life back in 2004 on the PlayStation 2 in Japan. And the games never got released outside of Japan, up until about 2009 when the first Onechanbara game came out on the Xbox 360. And funnily enough, the game was entitled "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad". Which is also the same name as this movie. So, I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that this movie is a straight-up adaptation of that very same game. I could be totally wrong on that, seeing as how I've never played any of the Onechanbara games, but that's what I'm sticking with. Anyway, on that very same year, we also got another Onechanbara game on the Nintendo Wii of all things. Then later, there was another game released in 2015. And the last one to come out here in the U.S. came out in 2020. So yeah, we've gotten a pretty short hand when it comes to this franchise. Now, mind you, there are quite a bit more Onechanbara games than the ones I just listed, but like I said, most of those didn't come out in the U.S.

I should also note that, I believe, this is the first time that I'm ever watching a Japanese zombie film. I've seen a handful of zombies films in my time, but most of those were indie films. I don't think I've ever seen a Japanese zombie movie in my life. So, you know what? I'm in for a very interesting experience tonight. I don't know if it's gonna end up being a GOOD experience, but the only way I'm gonna find out if this thing is any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad".

2 minutes later

Wait, so the opening credits states this thing was based on "The Onechambara"..? *picks up DVD case and reads the cover* You know, your movie is called Onechanbara for a fucking reason, right? You don't call it 'Onechambara', when your fucking title states it as Onechanbara! That makes no fucking sense at all, guys.

17 minutes later

Well, guys, I think may have regretted my decision in watching the English dub. This dub, at least so far, kinda sucks. I'm genuinely hoping that it gets better as the movie goes on. But if it doesn't, then I'm gonna be in for a bit of a painful experience here.

4 minutes later

So, we just got hit with Aya's backstory about how her father was killed by her little sister. And yet, as we just saw with her flashback, there were a few people who surrounded her father that ended up killing him instead. I couldn't tell you if Aya's sister was one of them, because everyone of them was covered up in head to toe with hooded clothing. I understand that the movie is trying to build up suspense, but because everyone was covered up in clothing, it could be ANYBODY wearing that stuff. I'm sorry, guys, but I feel like we're not getting enough details out of this, you know what I mean?

20 minutes later

And thus, Katsuji has made the ultimate sacrifice by killing his zombie sister. And you know what? I don't care. This movie has been painfully boring. And I have been struggling to stay the fuck awake because nothing of interest has happened within the past 20 minutes or so. I'm really hoping that this movie gets better as it goes along. But, as of right now, I really don't think it's going to.

16 minutes later

All right, guys, I think now might be a good time to mention this as any. This movie's CG blood looks like shit. It really does. And it's taking a rather boring movie and making it just a little bit worse.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad". Let me shut this thing off here...OK. God, that movie was a chore to get through. Yeah, so...if that wasn't any indication, this movie was shit.

I'm just gonna get into the writing. And I want to start with the movie's tone. Now, way early on, I mentioned the movie's title and the cover art, and I really thought that this thing was going to be some wacky stupid bullshit that I might end up really liking. Because I am a sucker for horror comedies. And I, honest to God, thought that this movie was going to be some silly horror comedy that wasn't going to take itself too seriously. And for, like, the final act, it does end up being a little bit silly. Unfortunately, everything before that is a straight-laced zombie film that takes itself INCREDIBLY seriously. And that's where this movie's writing suffers from the most. This story is taken so seriously that it doesn't leave any room for humor. I mean, come on, would anyone look at a title like "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad" and think that you're gonna get a serious story out of it? Chances are, no. Because it sounds so fucking cheesy and goofy that nobody's gonna view this movie and think that it's gonna take itself seriously. Well, guess what? It DOES just that! It plays itself like a standard, by the numbers, zombie film that it ends up becoming boring as shit. Now, some people might think that there's no difference between a bad movie and a boring movie. Well, I'm gonna counter that argument right here. A bad movie is something that you can watch and still have some fun with. Because I've seen plenty of bad movies in my lifetime, both for this series and on my own time, and I was still able to have some with them. Case in point would be the "Street Fighter" movie from 1994. I've mentioned this movie MANY times for this series, but damn it, it's such a cheesy, lovable film that I can overlook all of the problems that movie had. It hardly ever took itself seriously, and that's what made that film so lovable to begin with. Now, in the case of a boring movie, it's worse. Because if you watch something that just feels lifeless and is putting you to sleep, then your movie has a huge problem. And, big shocker here, "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad" is perfect proof of this. A movie with that kind of title shouldn't sound like it would take itself seriously, but it does. Now, as I stated earlier, I haven't played any of the Onechanbara games. But I'm gonna tell you, if this movie was even partially loyal to the video games, then the writing in those games are fucking garbage. The gameplay might be fun. I can't really judge the gameplay of those games. But if the writing in those games are anything like THIS, then I'm probably gonna hate the writing in those games.

Now, setting aside the movie's tone, what about the characters? Well, in the case of our main character, Aya, she has no personality to begin with. Now, it actually kinda makes sense, believe it or not. Because, at one point, her friend Katsuji explains that because her father was killed, she's not able to smile or be sad, because the death of her father impacted her personality. In fact, she BARELY has any lines in this movie, which is shocking, considering that she is the main character and all. But overall, I can kinda give her a bit of a pass. Speaking of Katsuji, I really couldn't tell you anything memorable about him whatsoever. He's Aya's friend, and he mentions that his sister, Asami, was kidnapped when they were teenagers by Saki, who is Aya's sister that also killed their father, and he wasn't able to protect his sister. I kinda already spoiled this, in case you didn't read it, but he ends up killing his sister after she ends up becoming a zombie. What I find a bit funny is the fact that he tries to talk some sense into her and get her to realize that she's attacking her brother. Um...I'm sorry, but if she's a zombie then there's a STRONG chance that she's not going to listen to you at that point. I'm just saying, it's a bit too late to talk some sense into her, you know what I mean? And then we have Reiko, who uses a gun as her weapon to fight off zombies. Now, this is a minor thing, but this sorta bugged me a bit. Her gun makes a VERY loud sound. And naturally, since this is a zombie film, don't you think that if you fire that thing, you're gonna attract the attention of a lot of zombies? I understand that it's a trivial, and stupid, thing to be bringing up, but, like I said, it was something that kinda bugged me a bit. As for her, the only thing we know about her is that her daughter ended up becoming a zombie. And she had to end up shooting her so that Reiko's daughter wouldn't end up becoming a lifeless zombie. Well...sort of. You see, in this movie, our villain, Dr. Sugita, is a mad scientist who kidnaps people so that he can turn them into controlled zombies for his resurrection project, and take over the world. And these zombies are your standard, typical zombies that offer nothing new or different when compared to other zombies from different medias. The only thing that's kinda new about them is that they can jump. Other than that...not much else. These zombies are boring, and, as I just stated, offer nothing new to the zombie mythos. And as for our villain, he is a very stereotypical mad scientist that wants to control zombies. And he also wants the blood of Aya, because her family bloodline has some powerful blood that he wants for his resurrection project. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's still there, I guess. Overall, guys, the writing in this movie is so boring that it actually makes the movie worse than it should. Again, a cheesy, stupid title like that sounds like it shouldn't take itself seriously. But because this movie committed a cardinal sin in actually taking itself so seriously that it actually kills what little fun there is in this movie.

So, with that being said, what about the acting? Well, I opted to watch the English dub, because I noticed there was an English dub as an option for this movie. And I'm gonna tell you, guys, I probably should've switched over to the Japanese dub. This English dub is just shit. I honestly thought it would've gotten better, but it didn't. There are two noticeable actors I need to make mention of. The first actor is whoever is voicing Katsuji. He easily turns in the worst showing of this dub, because he sounds so fucking bored giving out his lines that I honestly thought the actor voicing Katsuji was on sleeping pills when he was recording his lines. That's how bad he really sounded. The other actor I have to make mention of is the actor voicing our villain. Now, I don't know if this was intentional or not, or maybe it was just me that noticed this, but I swear that the actor voicing Dr. Sugita sounds like he was trying to give out his best impression of Vincent Price. I don't know WHY I thought that, but that's what I was thinking of the more times he appeared in this movie. The only thing he's missing from his impression is the charm and personality of Vincent Price. But then again, no one's ever going to match what Vincent Price was able to do during his time. Anyway, the acting in this dub is terrible. And nobody else here even tried. Which makes sense, because you can only do so much with a script that's written like shit. And because of that, everybody here phoned it in for this dub. So, I can't really say anything else beyond that, because I can only say so much about writing for an English dub.

Moving onto special effects. There's no way I can get around this, if I don't get the only bad effect out of the way. The CG blood in this movie is terrible. I know I've already stated that, but it shows. There is a LOT of digital blood in this movie, and I wouldn't have had a problem with it, if the digital blood actually looked good. But it didn't. And what's even sadder is that it outnumbers the practical blood in this movie, which looks pretty good. I mean, granted, it's nothing amazing, but it's certainly a lot better than the digital blood that's in this movie. And what makes the digital blood worse is that you don't get to see any blood from the zombies after they die. Like, you don't see any of their blood that's on the ground or what have you. I understand that you'd probably have to go out of your way to get all of that blood to show, but it would still kinda help. The only time that you get to see blood splatter anywhere is when, on a few shots, some blood will splatter on the camera as Aya is just cutting down zombies. Anything else, it's just blood that splatters from the zombies and disappears as soon as they're dead. I know it might sound like a minor complaint, and it probably is, but I just think digital blood, in a lot of cases, does not work. And it probably would've been better if they used more practical blood. Speaking of which, as I just stated, the practical blood is pretty good. Again, it's not amazing, but it's still good for what it is. Makeup effects on the zombies are fine. Costuming here is decent. Overall, the special effects are decent, save for the usage of digital blood.

Camerawork here is pretty good. Lighting here is decent. Sound-mix is OK. The soundtrack and score are incredibly forgetful. Nothing about it is going to stick out at you, and it's just a forgetful score in the end.

Ultimately, guys, am I able to recommend "Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad"? No. Hell no. There is no way I can recommend this, unless if you're someone who's really into zombie films. But other than that, I can't recommend this thing to anyone else. As I stated earlier, I have no idea if this movie was even loyal to the Onechanbara games, but I'm going to assume that they're a hell of a lot better than this. At least, I'm going to assume that based on the gameplay. The writing might still be garbage in those games, but the gameplay might still be decent. But if there is anyone who is a fan of the Onechanbara games, and you HAVE seen this movie, then I'll ask: Was this movie at all loyal to the source material? I'm a little bit curious there. Also, if you absolutely have to find a copy of this movie, make sure you find it at a more reasonable price. Because I spent $12 to get this movie. I know this, because I still haven't bothered to take off the price tag for this movie after I bought it well over a year ago. And the fact that I'm still seeing that $12 price tag makes me feel like I was ripped off...which I was. So, I'm gonna happily trade this thing in the moment I get that chance. But, for now...I'm gonna go watch a better zombie movie. And the first thing that instantly comes to mind is "Dead & Breakfast". I'm gonna go watch that, so I can, hopefully, get this stupid movie out of my mind.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Rampage

 

Welcome, one and all, to the "Video Game Movie Marathon" here Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be checking out a film from 2018. That movie is "Rampage".

Now, I have a bit of a story about this movie. You see, when I was originally scheduling what movies to cover for this "Video Game Movie Marathon", I wanted to save a spot for Uwe Boll. Because it wouldn't be a "Video Game Movie Marathon" if I didn't cover at least ONE movie from him. For those who don't know who I'm talking about, Uwe Boll is a very infamous German filmmaker, who was notorious for making movies based off video games that, ironically enough, had next to nothing to do with the actual games they were based off of. And there was one of his movies that I wanted to find and review for this marathon. Sadly though, I was not able to locate it. So, a little bit of a spoiler here, you're not gonna see any movies from Boll in this marathon.

Now, while I wasn't able to find the movie I originally wanted to cover, I did happen to remember that Boll also made a movie based off the Rampage series. And I've heard good things about it, because, apparently, it was one of the only video game movies that people spoke fondly of, whenever they think of Bolls films. So, I thought, why not? I can probably find that and give it a fair shake. Now, here's where this story gets a little interesting. You see, I actually did end up finding a movie called "Rampage". However...it wasn't Bolls version of it. No, no, no. The version I found was THIS "Rampage" from a few years ago. Which, I totally forgot even existed. So...you know what? I may as well just stick with what I got, even if it wasn't intentional. And it is still based off the video game, so I can still count it for this series.

Now, for those of you who have never heard of "Rampage", the video game, the game's premise was that you get to control humans that get turned into monsters, and you just destroy shit for fun while trying to survive against the military. It was one of those old school games that you mostly played on the arcades. I didn't play it on the arcades, though. I played a little bit of it from one of those collection games for the GameCube. And it was pretty fun for a game that was originally released on the arcades.

As for the film itself that I'm covering tonight, like I said, I totally forgot that this movie even existed. I know that it stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and that's about it. I have no idea if he's the right person to be in this kind of film. I don't even know if this thing is loyal to the games. Considering that it is a live-action movie, chances are that it's not gonna be the case. But you know what? I'm still hoping for this thing to be entertaining. And that's really all I care about for movies is if they're entertaining or not. Good? I don't know. But the only way I'm gonna find out if this thing is any good at all, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Rampage".

11 minutes later

All right, well, that's something I've never seen a gorilla do. I've never seen a gorilla use their middle finger to give the bird to someone. It was...kinda funny. Not ha-ha funny. But still, it was sorta amusing.

19 minutes later

So, George has been shot down by the tranquilizers from the helicopter. Well...honestly, at this point, it was probably for the best. Because what the fuck else was Davis gonna do if George was able to get away? Calm it down to death? I don't know, but, honestly, it makes Davis a little bit stupid. And, so far, the only character I actually like in this movie is George. Everyone else...not as of yet. I'm hoping that changes as the movie goes on, though.

4 minutes later

OK, that was sorta cool to see that wolf monster just jump at the helicopter and grab the pilot with it's mouth. I will say that bit there was pretty cool.

9 minutes later

All right, I have a question and I'm probably gonna regret asking this, but I want to ask it anyway. We KNOW where George and the wolf came from. Are they gonna explain at all about where the crocodile came from? Because we haven't heard a peep about it since it took a bite out of one of those canisters from early on in the movie. I know I'm probably asking a lot from a movie based off a video game, but I still want SOME kind of explanation. It's really starting to bother me a bit.

11 minutes later

So, let me if I understand this. The reason why Davis dislikes people is because poachers killed George's mother when he was a baby gorilla, and that, somehow, makes people look bad to him? I mean, OK, what they did George's mother was fucking horrible, but it's also a really shallow and kinda stupid reason to dislike people in general. I'm sorry, guys, but it makes the Rock's character look rather unlikable. And, at this point, I kinda hope he gets what's coming to him. I strongly doubt it, considering he's the main character and all, but damn it, I got to have some hope.

12 minutes later

Well, this is it, guys. We're finally getting to the part where the title of the movie is actually living up to the video game. Took the movie over an hour to get to that point, but hey, at least it's better than nothing, right? Even though the movie has mostly been boring as shit, and there's still no sign of the fucking crocodile monster. I'm not too happy about that part. But who knows? Maybe the last 40 minutes will actually make up for all that time and actually start to get interesting. I strongly doubt it at this point, but still, I can always be proven wrong.

9 minutes later

Wait, she actually shot Davis? OK, well, hopefully that's the end of the Rock's character. I may regret saying that later if he ends up turning alive, but, for now, I just want to enjoy my moment of "I called it", because I kinda want to be right for once.

2 minutes later

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a fucking second here! So, Davis ends up turning alive, which I figured he would anyways, and his explanation was "Well, I think they missed all of my vital organs". Um...I'm sorry, but he was SHOT! Unless if he was wearing a bulletproof vest, then his explanation is the equivalent to "fuck you, that's why"! God damn it all...I'm really to starting to hate Dwayne's Johnson's character at this point. And I really can't wait for this stupid movie to end.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Rampage". Thank God, it's fucking over. I'm gonna shut this thing off...OK. Well, I kinda had my expectations set pretty low, but I still wanted it to be interesting. And I'm gonna tell you, now, the few interesting bits in this movie are overshadowed by the bland, boring, and stupid bullshit that happens in this movie.

So, I guess I should start by talking about the writing. And I'm gonna start with pacing. I've often talked about this in the past, but pacing can either make or break your movies. And in the case of "Rampage", they certainly do the latter justice. Do you want to know how long it takes for this movie to live up it's title? The answer to that is an hour and five minutes! That is WAY too fucking long to actually get to the part where it's suppose to live up to the video game. Because before that, we don't get to see very much rampaging outside of a few skirmishes that really don't amount to much other than some decent visuals of the monsters. And, of course, we have our bare bones plot. Which, to be fair, the video game didn't really have much of a plot anyways, so I wasn't expecting Oscar worthy material here. But because this is a big budget film from Warner Bros., they had to stretch it out to almost an hour and 50 minutes, so we can have something resembling a story. And that would've been fine, expect, again, the pacing for this movie is fucking awful because of how long it takes to get to the actual part where it lives up to the video game. Now, to give you a comparison, I'm gonna compare this with another movie put out by Warner Bros. that came out a year prior to this one. And that would be "Suicide Squad". You see, in "Suicide Squad" it took over half an hour to get that group together so that they can form the Suicide Squad. But the difference between this movie and that one is that, in "Suicide Squad", they actually took the time to establish who our characters are, their backstories, and why they were chosen. And it took roughly about 35 minutes to do that. Now, could they have shortened the time? Oh, most certainly. That was one of my only issues I had with that movie at the time. But looking back on it, I actually think it helped fleshed out the characters more. And then after that 35 minutes goes by, the film actually kicks off it's plot. Now, I know a lot of people really didn't care about "Suicide Squad", but I actually thought the movie was pretty good. Again, they could've shortened the time to get the actual group together, but, overall, it was just a minor complaint in the end. So, "Suicide Squad" handled it's pacing pretty well for the most part. This movie, on the other hand, just feels way too fucking long. And when you take over an HOUR to get to what your movie was living up to, then you have already set yourself up for failure, because your pacing is fucking dogshit! And that is depressing on a whole host of levels.

Now, as for the writing itself, something really bothered me as I was watching the film. And I mentioned it earlier, but I have to mention it again here. And to explain this, I have to start at the beginning. So, at the beginning of the film, we see a survivor trying to escape from a space station that was about to explode. But she can't escape unless she retrieves these canisters that contain pathogen. So, she does go and retrieves three of the pathogen canisters. Keep that number in mind for a little later. Now, she's not alone, because there was some mutated monster that was experimented on this space station that's still alive. So our lone survivor makes it, and the space station explodes along with the monster. However, because the monster did so much damage to the window of the shuttle, it ends up breaking apart as she's killed, and then the three canisters all get shot to different parts of the U.S. One of them lands at a Wildlife Sanctuary in San Diego, which is where Geroge is living. Another one lands in the middle of bumsville Wyoming, where the wolf presides. And the other lands in some swamp, where the crocodile eats it. Now...about that crocodile. I am not kidding when I say this, but before it reaches Chicago towards the big climax of the movie, NOBODY mentions this fucking crocodile at all from anyone! They mention George and the wolf, but not the crocodile. I have no idea WHY they don't mention it. Because remember, there were exactly three canisters of pathogen that were shot towards the U.S. And our lone survivor was told to retrieve all three of the canisters. Did our two painfully evil corporate villains at Energyne forget that there was a third canister that had entered Earth's atmosphere? I guess they must've suffered brain damage, because they don't even bother to go and try to find the location of the third canister. Now, one could say that "Well, the crocodile ate the third canister, so there was no need to go find it". Yet, they were able to use their resources to go and locate George and the wolf, who were exposed to the pathogen, mind you, but nobody bothers to go and find this crocodile. Hell, even when the movie finally explains where this fucking crocodile was located, nobody before that bothers to mention that there's some giant monster swimming around the coast of Florida. Why did nobody around the Florida area bother to mention that there's some huge monster swimming around the coast? Better yet, why didn't anybody in Florida report any of this shit to the military? I honestly have no idea. My guess is that it was either the monster was swimming deep underwater that nobody could see it, or the people in Florida are really that fucking stupid. Again, I have no idea, but that shit really bothered me, because it's something that should not have been overlooked.

As for our characters, well, just about all of them incredibly shallow and lifeless. And, you know what? For an action movie, that is totally fine. Because you're not really expecting a ton of depth when it comes to this type of genre. But at the same time, you still want a reason to care about these characters. And I'm gonna tell you, the only character who has any semblance of depth and likability is George the gorilla. Because you really do end up caring about George, especially knowing that he ended up getting caught up in this pathogen bullshit that made him go on a rampage (pun intended of course). And you hope that he ends up getting cured in the end. Well, I'm not gonna spoil that part if you're really curious about seeing this movie. But on the other hand, you really have to get through the other characters. And on that note, I have to talk about Dwayne Johnson's character Davis. Davis is a primatologist who communicates with George through sign language, and he actually is his friend. And some of that is OK. But it's where his reasoning for not liking people is something that I kinda have a problem with. You see, as I mentioned earlier, we get a flashback to when George, as a baby gorilla, sees his mother being killed by poachers. And Davis is explaining this to Kate, one of our other main characters. He says that because of that moment, and because he had been in wars and killed a lot of people, he realizes that people can go to any lengths to get what they want. And that, somehow, is enough to make him want to dislike people. Now again, I am not going to defend the actions of the poachers that killed George's mother. I am NEVER going to defend that. However, I also can't defend Davis's reasoning for disliking people. Why? Because poachers are a fucking minority group. I don't care what anyone tells me, poachers are a minority group at best, and that shouldn't be enough of a reason to dislike people in general because of one horrific action that happened. Now, he mentions that he was in wars back when he was a member of the military, and I can't really answer that part as to why he dislikes people, but again, this one lone reason shouldn't be enough of a reason for him to dislike people. Because when he's at the Wildlife Sanctuary in San Diego, he's interacting with other people that are interested in studying animals. So obviously, he has some kind of a bond with those people. And that, at least to me, kinda kills this "disliking people personality" because he's getting along with other people at the Wildlife Sanctuary.

Oh, and I can't forget the most obvious thing that bothered the shit out of me in regards to what happens to him, such as when he got shot by our painfully evil villains. He ends up getting shot from a pistol, and he falls to the ground. And then about 2 minutes later, he's back up and running like nothing's happened to him! Mind you, he was SHOT somewhere around the stomach area, so that tells me that he should've been bleeding like crazy. That, or he was wearing a bulletproof vest after he and Kate left the military base. Well, guess what? He wasn't wearing one, and his answer as to why he's still standing is because "Oh, well, I guess they must've missed all of my vital organs". I'm sorry, guys, but there's this thing called 'the suspension of disbelief'. And you can only suspend that for so long, until a movie like this starts to insult your intelligence! When a character is up and about with no real explanation as to how he survived a fucking gunshot wound, then the only answer that the movie wanted to give out was fuck you that's why. And that is bullshit! Not only that, but it makes Davis look like a Gary-Stu. Unless, again, he was wearing some sort of bulletproof vest that we never see, and the fact that we never saw him bleed from that gunshot wound. But since the movie wanted to give out the half-assed reasoning of fuck you that's why, then that makes Dwayne Johnson's character all the more unlikable. While I'm on the subject of characters, well, like I said, nobody here has any real depth or personality. Which, again, for an action film, that's totally fine. But you still want to have a reason to care about these characters. And the movie couldn't do that. We have Kate, who's pretty much along for the ride. Russel, who has a Texan accent, and is a federal agent. And we have our two painfully evil corporate villains at Energyne. In fact, they're so painfully evil that they would've been laughed out of COBRA if they attempted to join up with them. So yeah, our characters mostly suck, with the one lone exception being George.

So, with writing out of the way, let's get into the acting. Now, I will start by saying that I'm not the biggest fan of Dwayne Johnson's film career. When compared to his stuff during his days in the WWF/WWE, it's almost non-existent. Because when he was "The Rock", his promo work was so fucking legendary, that it made him one of the top stars during the Attitude Era. Unfortunately, by the time he left WWE, his acting in his movies were definitely toned down. And most of his acting sounds very stale to me. Now, when I say it's stale, I don't mean all of his acting is horrible, but what I'm getting at is that I'm not a fan of his acting style. It just feels so standard and safe that he really doesn't stand out to me as this big actor that should feel more important. And I would probably feel more out of his performance if he actually tried. But in this movie, it just feels so bland and uninspired that it really feels like it was phoned in. And I don't know if it was because of the script he was given, or if he wasn't given enough to work with for his character. But either way, the acting from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just doesn't feel right to me. As for the rest of the cast, most of them did OK, but it wasn't anything that I would call memorable. At least some of them were trying to work with their given characters. And even though just about all of them were completely shallow, they were still able to try and make them work. And that's kinda sad, especially when you consider that Dwayne Johnson gets the top billing in this movie, and he phones in the weakest showing. Words cannot describe how depressing that is.

Special effects in this thing are great. Obviously, all of the monsters are rendered in CG, and all of that looks really good. I really liked some of the shots in this thing where you get to see the monsters just do what they do best, and that is to destroy shit. The wolf monster actually kinda surprised me a couple of times, such as when we get to see him jump towards a helicopter and use his mouth to pull out the pilot, and watch as the helicopter goes down. That looked pretty cool. What I'm also impressed by, and I don't know if this was accurate to the games or not, is when the wolf monster, at one point, sprouts out wings. That shit almost took me by surprise. Now I admit, it's been a long time since I last played the Rampage video game, but I don't remember the wolf monster ever sprouting wings. I could be totally wrong on that, but again, it still looked really fucking cool for, like, the one time that it did that. Who knows, maybe I might look up some gameplay videos of Rampage and see if that was actually a thing or not. But anyway, the special effects in this thing are great. And the final act is certainly pretty cool, if you're able to tolerate the horrendous pacing to get to that point.

Camerawork here is great. Lighting is great. Sound-mix is mixed perfectly. The music is incredibly forgetful. I couldn't tell you a single piece of music that was memorable. It was just a very generic score that you're not gonna remember the film by. So, all of the technical stuff works fine. But then again, this is a big budget film from Warner Bros., so someone over there would have to commit a horrible sin if they got any of the technical shit wrong.

But I also have to consider that, even though all of the technical stuff works great, it's not really gonna be something that nobody is going to remember this film by. The one thing that matters most in movies is the writing. And that's where this movie falters completely. So, with that being said, can I recommend "Rampage"? No. Unless if you're someone who is a die-hard fan of Dwayne Johnson's film career and you absolutely have to watch every movie that he stars in, then there's no reason for you to watch this thing. As a video game movie, it sucks. As an action film, it sucks. It's just a shitty, boring action movie. And after thinking about it, I kinda wished that I found Bolls version of "Rampage". I doubt it would've been good, but it certainly would've been better than what we got here. And after I said that I totally forgot that this film existed, well...I kinda wished it would've stayed that way, because this thing just sucked ass so much that I'm gonna have to find something else to watch that will, hopefully, get this horrible thing out of my mind. And you know what? I just recently bought "Godzilla: The Series", which was an animated series that I happened to remember watching back in the day, and I ended up rather liking it. So, I'm gonna go marathon a few episodes of that. Because since it does involve monsters and destruction, it's probably gonna be a hell of a lot better than what was shown in this movie. And I can't wait to trade this stupid thing when I get the chance.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Halo Legends

 

Welcome, one and all, to the "Video Game Movie Marathon" here on Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering an animated anthology film from 2010. That movie is "Halo Legends".

Now, I've played quite a bit of Halo in my lifetime. I played the original "Halo: Combat Evolved" with a friend of mine years and years ago. Although, at the time, I didn't really care that much about it. I thought the campaign was a little too long for my tastes, and while the multiplayer was fun, and the story was pretty good, it wasn't really my kind of game. However, I did get the Anniversary Edition on the Xbox 360 about a decade ago. And while I still think the campaign is a little long, my appreciation for it has grown just a little bit. I then played "Halo 2", and I loved it. I loved the campaign, the story was really good, and I still play it to this day. In fact, "Halo 2" stands, at least to me, as one of my favorite games of all time. That's how much I loved "Halo 2". I wasn't too big on "Halo 3", mainly because of the campaign. It was just far too short. I played a little bit of "Halo: Reach", but I never completed the campaign, mainly due to me being lazy. That, and my backlog of unfinished games have piled up since then. And I haven't played "Halo 4", so I can't really comment on that.

So overall, my experiences with Halo are pretty good. And, of course, Halo doesn't just exist through video games. It inspired online series such as "Red vs. Blue", and that show was great. Well...the first 5 seasons were great. Everything after season 5 was complete shit. I also know this series has novels. However, I have never read any of the books, and to be completely honest, I don't care to read any of them. And, of course, it has also spawned through television and movies. Speaking of which, that leads us into tonight's movie. The one thing I do know about this movie is that it's an anthology film. Which I find to be a bit funny, considering that I covered another anthology film for this series not too long ago. That film, of course, being "Terror Eyes". So, to already cover another anthology film shortly after that one is kinda funny to me.

I'm certainly hoping for this thing to be better than "Terror Eyes" though. Because "Terror Eyes" really sucked. And considering that the subject for tonight's movie is centered around Halo, it's probably gonna be decent. But I really won't know if it's going to be decent unless I quit stalling, and I start watching this thing. So, the only for me to do at this point, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Halo Legends".

6 minutes later

Well, guys, I'm not able to say very much about the movie so far. But I will say that I am really liking the art style in this first story. It looks really cool. Plus also, the animation is really good, too. So yeah, we're off to a pretty good start.

8 minutes later

OK, guys, this story here is pretty good and everything, but I do have a bit of a problem with it. It just seems like we're missing a ton of details as to when we got caught up with our desire of wanting destruction on our planet, so that we could discover other worlds to prosper and thrive. I understand it sounds like a minor detail, but it kinda bothers me a little bit. Because we're being summarized on a lot of things here and not getting a lot of context to them. And I feel like we're just rushing through everything with this story, you know?

13 minutes later

All right, I was sorta hoping that I wouldn't have to bring this up already, but the CG, and the entire look of this third story, looks absolutely hideous! It also doesn't help that the blurriness is really distracting the art style, too. I'm kinda hoping that this story will still be good, regardless of the art style, but holy shit, is that gonna be a challenge.

12 minutes later

Thank God, that story is finally done. Seriously, if I had to keep looking at that blurry CG any longer, then I probably would've hated that story more than I should've. That shit was distracting as hell.

10 minutes later

Wait, so that scientist is actually a female? I genuinely thought it was a male, considering the structure of the character's design. But no, it's actually a female. I'm kinda surprised, really.

14 minutes later

You know, guys, I am really surprised by the level of comedy that is in this story. It actually is rather funny. And the fact that they combine it with some music from "Halo 2" actually makes it better. I'm actually kinda loving it.

16 minutes later

All right, well, you know what? Even though this story is rather weak, I will say that the aftereffects from that explosion that suit gave off looked really fucking impressive. I gotta say that much.

11 minutes later

Well, holy shit! Seeing Master Chief finally in action against a brute, without a weapon mind you, is pretty badass. Now I'm kinda curious as to why we haven't seen a Halo game where the Chief can just beat down an alien of sorts with his bare hands. Still though, that was really cool.

4 minutes later

O...K. I guess I was wrong into thinking that this was Master Chief. Apparently, it's a different spartan that happens to look like Master Chief. Not totally sure what to think about that, honestly. Still though, at least it kinda caught me by surprise.

11 minutes later

You know, guys, I kinda appreciate that they're going in first person with a few of these shots here. It actually feels like I'm playing a game of Halo. I'm kinda impressed by that.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Halo Legends". I'm gonna shut the movie off...OK. As much as I'd like to listen to more Halo music, I can do that later. Right now, I'm gonna go ahead and review this movie.

I'm gonna approach this review a bit differently. Because, as I've done with all the anthology films that I covered for this series so far, I would usually give a brief summary of every story for their respective films. I'm not gonna do that for this movie. Because most of these stories range from being OK, to not being very good. And when I say that they're not very good, I mean that there's just not much of a story there. And there's two examples I want to bring up. One of them is the story known as "Prototype". The story for that is that there's this marine sergeant known as Ghost, and he's holding a wounded female soldier who tells him to try and become human instead of just being a nameless ghost with no personality or feeling. Because he had lost his squad during that battle. And so to make up for it, he tries to take down a bunch of members of the Covenant inside this giant mech, so that he can fulfill his mission and not let anymore of his soldiers die. And it doesn't really work, because his character is so fucking shallow and lifeless. And I don't want to hear that it was 'intentional' to make him shallow, because that's just a cop-out excuse. I feel like that the story only existed so that the movie can pad itself out to it's, nearly, 2 hour runtime. It really just felt like a shoehorned story that might've been taken from one of the Halo novels, and they tried to adapt it within such a short time. Now, I have no idea if any of these stories were taken from the books. However, as I've stated earlier, I have never read any of the Halo books, so I can't really say if that's accurate or not. But if it was, then it was done in a really lazy fashion, because there really isn't much of a story here for "Prototype". And I can easily say that this story was the weakest of the bunch, because it just feels so fucking shallow, that you could've replaced it with anything else, and it might've been done better. Or you could've expanded this story much longer into a mini-series. However, I'm gonna get more into that in a bit.

Another example I want to bring up is the second part of the origins story, which would be "Origins II". First of all, I should mention that both Origin stories are narrated by Cortana, as they are the first two stories of this anthology film. In the first part, she explains about how the Flood came to be and how the Forerunners tried to preserve the lifeforms of everyone that lived and moved them to different planets before they 'destroyed' the Flood, and then sacrificing themselves. Now, I will say that "Origins I" was really good. It was told really well, and we got some really nice animation out of it. However, in "Origins II", a lot of it feels really rushed. Because we're told that humans have had this desire and power to destroy each other, and that we always go to war with each other. However, and this is where the story felt so rushed, is that we somehow came to realize that we could look beyond our planet and to seek other worlds, so that we can preserve our life there and put an end to our senseless fighting. Basically, we had to boldly go where we hadn't gone before. (And yes, I am totally proud of that reference) Now, a couple of problems arises. First of all, I really like how Cortana says that ALL of humankind decided that we should look beyond our lonely planet and to look towards others because there are too many people living on Earth. So...what exactly is wrong with Earth, anyways? So fucking what if there's billions of people that live on that planet? I get that she wanted to say that we should look to preserve our race for other planets, but she never really explains what makes Earth so bad, other than "Oh no, humans fight each other through war" and all this horseshit. That's not really a viable excuse of wanting to ditch Earth for other planets. Speaking of war, even though humans did move to other planets and made our own civilizations there, guess what? Another war broke out and we fought each other again. But it wasn't until the Covenant invaded, and we decided to finally ban together against a common enemy. And from there, she basically summarizes what happened in the first 3 Halo games. But I feel like, again, this story just feels so rushed. But then again, I could also say the same thing about a couple of the other stories such as "Prototype" and "Homecoming". Both of those stories felt really rushed, too. And going back to my comment about "Prototype" being a mini-series, I really feel like what they should've done with most of these stories is turn it into a mini-series and run it on, say, HBO. Give it about a season and let these stories flesh out. Because putting them into this anthology film actually brings the quality of these stories down a bit. I'm gonna tell you guys, I only liked about, maybe, half of this anthology film. The stories I liked were "Origins I", "The Babysitter", "Odd One Out", and "The Package". The other half was mostly shallow and kinda shit. And that's disappointing, to say the least.

So, the writing for this anthology film is a mixed bag at best. As for the acting, well, the acting is actually pretty good, for the most part. There were, maybe, like a couple of actors that sounded like they phoned it in. One of them was whoever was voicing one of the kids in "Odd One Out". I don't know if they got an actual child actor to do the voice for it or not. But regardless, they sounded pretty terrible. And the other bit of acting comes from whoever voiced Daisy, our lead character in "Homecoming". The actress voicing her sounded rather robotic at times. Now, mind you, I am judging this movie by the English dub's standards, because that's the version I watched going into this movie. But aside from, like, two actors, everybody else did a pretty good job. So, I can say that this dub is rather good for what it is.

Now, let's get to the animation. Oh boy, I gotta lot to talk about here. First off, I should mention that just about every story in this movie was made by a variety of different Japanese animation studios. And most of them have a rather unique look to them. In fact, "Odd One Out", which was my favorite story from this anthology film, was made by Toei. Which actually made sense, because the art style in that short was very reminiscent to stuff like Dragon Ball. In fact, that entire short felt like a Saturday morning cartoon, which kinda made me like it all the more better. Now, even though I say that most of these short films have a unique look to them, that doesn't mean that they all look good. The best example goes to "The Duel". Oh. My. God. Where the fuck do I even start with this short film? How about the fact that the CG looks fucking awful? And that it probably would've not looked awful if there wasn't so much pixelated blurriness around every single Elite? I have no idea what the hell they were going for, in terms of the art style for this short film, but the pixelated blurry bullshit actually brought that entire story down! So much so that I couldn't really focus much on the story. It probably would've looked better if they got rid of that pixelated bullshit around the Elites. I'm not saying that it would've looked great, but it would've looked a hell of a lot better than this. While I'm on the subject of the Elites, every single Elite character has these awful-looking mouth movements. Now, when I say that, I am not referring to any syncing issues with an actor's dialogue that is trying to match the mouth flaps. I'm referring to the actual mouth movements on these Elites. The mouth movements look so fucking janky that it looks like they might've been modeled out of some fourth-rate animatronic from Chuck E. Cheese, and they decided to green light that shit in hopes that it would look good. Well, guess what? It looks horrendous. And that entire story could've benefited from better-looking CG and less on the pixel blurry bullshit, and the god-awful mouth movements. Christ, that short film looked so fucking bad. Speaking of CG, the CG in the last story, which was "The Package", looks decent. But I will admit that the CG looked rather dated, too. And I mean it looks REALLY dated, even by the standards of 2010. But at least the story was pretty good, and I was able to look past the dated CG. Overall, guys, the animation is pretty good, as long as you're willing to look past the horrendous CG in "The Duel".

Sound-mix is mixed perfectly. The music is also fantastic. But then again, a lot of it is music that you would hear from the Halo games. In fact, I mentioned it earlier, I heard a couple pieces of music in "Odd One Out" that were from "Halo 2". In fact, I believe they used a lot of music from the Halo games and inserted it into this movie. And I, personally, loved it. No matter the game it came from, Halo's music is the one thing I absolutely love from this series. It always sounds great. In fact, when the DVD menu popped up, one of the tracks came from "Halo 2". Which kinda made me want to go back and play "Halo 2" again, honestly. I'm not totally sure if I will do that after I put this review together, but it is certainly possible. Overall, guys, the music in this movie is absolutely amazing.

So, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Halo Legends"? Only if you're a fan of Halo. I, personally, can't recommend this to non-fans, obviously. And I think newcomers who want to get into Halo would probably be turned off by this movie, because there is so much history and lore to this franchise that you would be totally lost on a lot of this. And because of that, I don't think this movie would be a good start for any newcomers to Halo. If you really want to get into Halo, my advice would be to play any of the games. Whether you play them on the original Xbox, the Xbox 360, or even the Xbox One. If you have any of these systems, go play Halo on those. And if you really like what you played, then check out this movie. Otherwise, your best bet is to avoid this thing. It really is only for fans of Halo. And as someone who likes Halo, such as myself, I honestly don't even know if I would want to watch this thing a second time. Because, as I stated earlier, I only liked half of this anthology film, and the other half of it kinda sucks. Mind you, I liked watching it once. However, it's not something I'm gonna jump the gun on and watch it multiple times over. Now...I was debating on whether or not I should play "Halo 2" again. Well, as tempting as that sounds, I kinda want to play "Halo: Combat Evolved" again. Because I haven't played that in quite a long time, and I feel like it needs another playthrough. So, I'm gonna go do that, because I'm kinda in the mood to play some Halo.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.