Welcome, one and all, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna be covering a horror movie from 1978. That movie is "Mardi Gras Massacre".
I'm gonna tell you, guys, the only reason why I wanted to cover this movie was because of that title. That title sounds like cheesy, stupid bullshit that I actually might kinda like. I don't know anything about the plot to this movie, but I am gonna take a guess here and say that there is someone killing people during Mardi Gras. Or perhaps maybe they're killing people that are participating at the Mardi Gras parade. I have no idea. But that is what I'm guessing, just basing it off the title.
Now, while I don't know anything else regarding this movie's plot, I do know that this movie was banned in the U.K. for being too violent. And it was promptly labeled under Video Nasty. Basically, Video Nasty was essentially a term thrown out by the National Viewers and Listeners' Association in the U.K., because they thought that certain horror movies from the late 70's and early 80's were deemed as "too violent" for British audiences, and they were trying to outright ban them from getting a home video release. So, in a nutshell, they were the cancel culture of the 1980's. So this movie basically ended up getting banned in the U.K. and, as far as most people know, it hasn't seen seen a physical release in the U.K. to this day. Speaking of which, even though this movie ended up getting finished in 1978, it wasn't released in the U.S. until 1983, where it was given the controversial X rating. So this thing had a very hard time getting any kind of release for about 5 years until the MPAA decided to give it's X rating and was, probably, running in limited theaters for a time.
But regardless of all that, I am curious to see how this film is going to turn out. I have no idea how violent this thing supposedly is, until I see it for myself. But overall, I just want to see if this thing is any good at all. And the only way I'm gonna find out, is if I shut up, and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Mardi Gras Massacre".
6 minutes later
Wait, so this woman is actually going to lie down on this "bed", which doesn't even look like a bed at all, it looks more like a table. And she's not going to ask him WHY she needs to lay down on this particular bed in his apartment, while he goes and prepares for...something? Moreover, how the hell was this guy able to set this all up in his apartment? His apartment must be fucking huge, if he's able to have this much space and was able to set this "bed" up in his apartment. Guys, I totally understand that I'm probably getting ahead of myself here, but this movie's already leaving me with a ton of questions, and I'm probably not going to get an answer for any of them.
20 minutes later
So, guys, I didn't want to ask this, but is anything interesting gonna happen in this movie? We are almost a half an hour in, and I have not been given a reason to care about anything of what's been going on in this movie so far. I'm genuinely hoping that the movie's gonna get better as it goes along. But as of right now, I kinda have my doubts.
3 minutes later
All right, I feel like now is the time to bring this up. You guys can't hear this for obvious reasons, but this fucking wind noise is shit. I have heard this crap for the third time in this movie, and it's already starting to sound incredibly grating. If I have to hear more of this shit in this movie, then I fear it's going to be very torturous.
19 minutes later
Guys, I'm gonna ask this again. Is ANYTHING interesting going to happen in this movie? I have been struggling to find anything that's deemed as partially interesting, and I haven't even gotten that yet. This movie is fucking boring as shit, and I really hope something happens within the next...45 minutes or so. Otherwise, those 45 minutes are going to be torturous to get through.
11 minutes later
You know, guys, for a movie that was claimed to be incredibly violent, this is some of the tamest shit I've ever seen in a horror movie...ever. And it's mainly this same jackass who's been sacrificing women in the exact same order that he's been doing this entire movie. It would be kinda nice if this movie would change it up a bit, so we don't get the exact same kills every single time. But I have this strange feeling that I'm not going to get any of that by the time this movie's done.
12 minutes later
Wait a fucking second here. So Frank's partner, who looks like Riker from "Star Trek: The Next Generation", just stated that they don't know when or where this killer's going to strike next. Even though in the previous scene before that montage we just saw, Frank said that the killer strikes every Tuesday, every week, around at a certain time. Either this is the worst fucking detective in the entire history of detectives, or this movie is clinically fucking retarded, because the people who wrote this don't know the meaning of the word "consistency". I'm gonna take a safe bet here and shoot for the latter in this case.
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Mardi Gras Massacre". Thank fucking god, it's over. I'm gonna shut this garbage off...OK. That ending was complete shit. Wow...I've never been left this speechless in a movie in a long time. What to even start with first?
I'm gonna start with something different. I'm gonna talk about the worst problem this movie has, which is the music. And it's not so much that the music is terrible. Well, except for one piece of it, but I'll get to that in just a moment. The worst part about the music in this movie is that this film does not know when to shut the fuck up. I swear to God, guys, almost every single scene in this movie has music playing in some fashion. And it takes you out of the movie, because this movie almost never has a silent moment for anything. Not for character depth, or when to build tension, nothing in this movie is given the silent treatment, because this movie doesn't know how to properly utilize music correctly. The only time that this would make sense is when the Mardi Gras parade is going on. And I'm going to assume that this was an actual Mardi Gras parade, rather than just being there for the sake of this movie. But almost every other scene in this movie has music playing, and it even has music playing when it's not even calling for it. Guys, I have seen plenty of shitty horror movies for this series, but even they know how to utilize music properly. They don't just let music play in almost every fucking scene in their movies as if it's a musical orgy. But this son of a bitch will do just that. It doesn't care that there is music playing, even in scenes that are either unnecessary or if it's cranked up to a tee, because the volume is just too fucking loud. Now, that either may be a technical issue on my end, or I just had the music played up at full volume without even realizing. But either way, the music in this film is not properly utilized, and it will take you out of the movie, because of it's over abundance of having it play in almost every scene. The only instances I can think of when music is not playing is when we have scenes that take place at the police station, or when our killer first invites his victims to his apartment, in which the latter only stays silent for about a minute or two. Speaking of which, I want to touch upon that fucking wind music. Actually no, I'm not calling it music, because it's fucking noise. And it is some of the most grating and irritating shit you will EVER hear in this movie. It was trying to be all suspenseful and creepy, but it's not. It's fucking noise, and, like I said, it is some of the most grating shit you will ever listen to. And it plays quite a bit in this movie. Even towards the very end of the film, it will still play that shitty, fucking noise. And by the time the movie was ever, I was so thankful that it was done. Because I never have to listen to that awful fucking noise ever again. I understand that I'm probably beating a dead horse by this point, but this music is shit. And it probably would not have been shit, if it wasn't utilized so fucking poorly.
Now...setting aside that issue, because I could be here all night talking about how poorly the music was handled in this movie, I'm gonna move on and talk about the writing. I want to start with pacing, because this has got to be one of the worst paced films I ever seen in a long time. Because we have scenes in this movie that pads itself out into nothingness. One example I can think of is when our two main characters, Sherry and Frank, spend time together. And this is gonna tie back into music, because we have montages that go on for ages, and nothing of value comes from them. It probably would've helped if they cut the fucking music out, so maybe the movie could focus on trying to develop our characters. Which didn't fucking work, because neither one of these characters are likable in any way. In fact, I couldn't tell you a single likable character in this movie, because nobody has any real character depth. I totally understand that this thing is suppose to be a cheesy horror flick, and you don't need mountains of depth in these kinds of films. But as I've stated time and again in this movie, and I'm going to continue to beat this fucking horse until filmmakers get this shit right, you NEED characters that are worth caring about. If you're not going to go out of your way to give them any level of depth, then, at the very least, give me a reason why I should care about these characters. Give me a reason why I should worry about when these prostitutes are going to be sacrificed by this fucking jackass who is sacrificing women to this Aztec God. Speaking of which, let's touch upon our killer. I have never seen a horror movie this bad, where our killer has no fucking personality or depth to him whatsoever. So, this entire movie has him going to bars and night clubs, so that he can find prostitutes that are considered 'evil'. He pays them money, because of course you need to for a prostitute, and brings them to his apartment. He then ties them up, as they are stripped naked to his bed, and he begins his retarded little ritual. Why does he do this? Well, this movie's not quite clear on that. At one point, when our two police detectives visit this ESP doctor, he thinks that the rituals are more common here in the U.S., and he believes that they or he, because at that point, they don't know if it's just one person or a cult that's doing the killing, are doing this so that they can get god-like powers from some Aztec God. But then later on, sometime after our killer sacrifices his next victim, he is worshiping this Aztec Queen, and says that he's going to kill 3 women on Mardi Gras, so that he can resurrect her to life or something. So which is it? Is he wanting to get god-like powers, or is he trying to resurrect some Aztec Queen for the fuck of it? I don't know. But this movie is not clear on that shit. Hell, it's not even clear as to why this killer is doing all this in the first place. You see, guys, even other horror villains such as Freddy, Jason, and Chucky, have some level of character and motivations. This guy doesn't even have a backstory of sorts as to why he got into this Aztec shit. You could write it off as he's just a religious nutcase, but even religious nutcases have more personality than this jackass does. When he's at nightclubs and bars trying to search for hookers that are considered 'evil', he kinda reminds me of Andrew Divoff as the Djinn from the "Wishmaster" series. Except, you take away all of the charm and personality that Divoff gave to the Djinn from those movies, and you replace it with a boring, sack of waste with no personality to speak of.
Moving on from the characters, our story also has logic issues that make no fucking sense. For example, when our killer is done sacrificing these prostitutes, he's somehow able to move their bodies and put them on railroad tracks. First of all, how the hell does no one see him do this? By that, I mean how the hell was no one able to see him move their bodies towards these railroad tracks? Better yet, how come no one in the police force thought to maybe keep an eye on the railroad tracks, in case this guy goes around there to dispose of their bodies? I ask this, because Frank realizes that this is the same M.O. He kills on a Tuesday, at the exact same time, at the exact same week. So how come Frank, or someone else, didn't think about maybe putting an officer or two near the railroad tracks at a stakeout? You would think maybe they would get something out of that. But nobody does that. Instead, the police commissioner just tells our two detectives to go find him, without even knowing who they're looking for. The only thing that they know about our killer is that he wears a particular gold ring. And then it leads to a 5 minute montage sequence which goes absolutely nowhere, other than to pad itself out. Which is a running theme for this movie, in case you didn't notice. Now, here's where this makes no sense. When they do eventually find someone who does know about the gold ring that our killer wears, because the guy who knows about it is the same guy who delivered Chinese food to his apartment, the detective that looks like Riker from "Star Trek: The Next Generation", rather than going to the apartment IMMEDIATELY knowing this information, instead decides that they should stake out at a bar and wait for backup. Which makes no sense, because the day that they find out about this crucial information is also happening during Mardi Gras. Which is also the day that the killer is going to kill again. Motherfucker, no! If you KNOW that this killer is hanging out at his apartment, and you know he's going kill again, you should take his fucking ass down now, rather than wait for backup! Oh, but wait, it gets better! You see, when they made the stupid decision of waiting for backup at this bar, one of the bar owners from early on in the movie rushes in and says that he knows where the killer is, because he saw him with three women that went into his apartment. Mind you, we don't know WHEN he saw this happen. But that somehow gives our detectives enough of an edge to go after him at his apartment. Because going to check this apartment back after being told when the Asian guy delivered the Chinese food was not enough of a motivation for them. Guys, the police force in this movie are quite possibly the WORST police force in the entire history of film. So much so that they make Clint Howard from "Santa with Muscles" look like Dirty-fucking-Harry! Process that for just a moment! How low do you have to be when Clint Howard is able to outdo you in terms of being a better cop? That is just...wow, that is mind-blowingly sad.
Guys, the writing in this movie is a fucking joke. And it's not even the fun kind of bad writing I would get out of a cheap horror movie. This is just...horrifically bad. Speaking of which, the acting is also terrible. Most of the actors in this movie sound very wooden, that they just phoned it in and did not care at all. Which makes sense, considering that you can only do so much when you're given a script that is this fucking terrible. Speaking of which, the worst actor in this entire movie goes to whoever played our only female cop. She has only one scene of dialogue, and it is so terrible, because she is stumbling through her dialogue as if she was given this kind of script for the first time. In fact, I think this actress has never acted a day in her life. So much so that I have a theory that someone from the casting department decided to pull some Joe schmo off the street and asked them if they wanted to be in a movie. And, lull and behold, she got the part, and doesn't know the first thing about acting. I hope she has never set foot in front of another camera after this movie, because that is some of the worst acting I have ever seen in a LONG time. Mind you, as I said, the acting was terrible from, just about, the entire cast, but that one actress stood out the most, because it was fucking painful just seeing her give out her only line of dialogue.
Now we come to the special effects. Well...before that, I have message for the National Viewers and Listeners' Association. If you thought that this shit was too violent for British audiences to handle, then you must be the biggest fucking pansies I've ever seen, because this shit is some of the most tamest violence I have seen in almost any horror movie ever. I have seen more violent shit happen in "Tokyo Gore Police" and "The Machine Girl", two VERY exploitative movies that had more violence than this fucking thing does. And mind you, both of those were aiming for comedy, as well. This movie has only ONE kind of kill. Which is, once more, our killer, who is sacrificing these women to this Aztec Queen. He ties them down onto his bed after they're stripped naked, he pours what looks to be like holy water, then ends up stabbing their hand, foot, and cutting up their body, just so he can grab out their heart and place it in front of the altar, I guess. It's not really clear as to what he does to those human hearts after he gets them out of their bodies, but that doesn't really matter. Now I will say that the first time you see this, it is rather gruesome and kinda nasty. But then they repeat this same method of killing two more times, which makes the shock factor less shocking because the filmmakers were too lazy to be creative with their kills. By the way, a bit of a spoiler, in the entire hour and a half movie, he only has a body count of 3 women. That's it. You know, for a movie that's entitled "Mardi Gras Massacre", the word "massacre" is a bit of a stretch. You would think that maybe if he had killed more women, it would actually live up to our movie's title. However, that's not really the case here. But that's really just a minor thing. Now, even though the kills are the exact same thing, I will say that the blood effects are pretty good, and the gore is not too bad either, especially knowing that this movie was filmed on a rather low budget. It's kind of a pity that they didn't put that effort into anywhere else that should've mattered in this movie, but still, the special effects are rather decent.
Camerawork here is fine. Lighting is fine. I've already touched upon the music, so there's no need to mention it again. Sound-mix, however, is kinda shit. And this honestly might be the version of the movie I watched on YouTube, but the sound-mix is just not well done. I was thinking about this earlier, but there are some scenes where the volume on the music is really loud in some areas, so much so that they can sometimes drown out an actor's dialogue. And there was one scene I could recall early on in the movie where Sherry and Frank are at a restaurant, and they are being attacked, I guess, by two random people. One of them Frank has close to a wall, and when the camera is up close to them, the sound will definitely pick up...on the left side of movie. The right side, however, almost disappears. And it's so jarring to hear this, because it could definitely take you out of the movie. However, again, that might just be the version of it I watched on YouTube. You kinda have to take it for what it's worth. Beyond that, the sound-mix here is just not that good.
Overall, guys, am I able to recommend "Mardi Gras Massacre"? No. Hell no. I can't recommend this movie to anyone. Especially this version of it on YouTube, because, I swear, there are some scenes in this movie that are either spliced up that they don't mesh well together, or there might've been some scenes cut out abruptly without even giving it time to finish. Either way, this movie is unwatchable. The writing is terrible, the acting is terrible, the music is so poorly utilized in this film, and it's just an overall horrific movie. And considering that this movie had a very hard time getting any kind of release after getting a home video release banned in the U.K., and not getting a release shown here in the U.S. for about 5 years, this movie should've probably never seen the light of day because of it's horrendous fucking writing. I can't even recommend it to horror movie fanatics, because they're gonna find this shit to be awful as well. And not even the cheesy kind of awful like you would sometimes get out of bad horror movies. This thing is just borderline unwatchable. And you can certainly find better horror movies to watch than this fucking thing. Speaking of which, I brought it up earlier, but I'm gonna go watch "The Machine Girl". Because that movie certainly lives to up being very violent, but also very fun at the same time.
Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all in the near future. Peace.
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