Reaction & Review | Lock Up

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a movie from 1989. That movie is "Lock Up".

Now, I honestly don't know a whole lot about this movie. The only things I know about it is that it stars Sylvester Stallone, and from what I skimmed over on the back of the DVD case, he plays a prison inmate who's trying to survive his remaining time there, but he has to contend with some evil warden who wants to ruin it for him for some reason. I don't know why exactly, but I do know that the warden is played by the late Donald Sutherland. So that's kinda interesting to know.

But aside from that, guys, I don't exactly know what to expect from this movie. I do know the film's a little under 2 hours long, so it shouldn't drag out too long, hopefully. I'm hoping that it's really good, but the only way I'm gonna know for sure is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Lock Up".

13 minutes later

OK, I have a question that I know will probably be answered later on, but I want to ask it anyway. So, from before Stallone's character was being suddenly transferred over to prison, what was he doing there, originally, to begin with? So far, we haven't been given any real details about that, and I feel like we're kinda rushing things slightly. Mind you, none of it has been bad so far, I'm just curious to know why Stallone's character was even thrust into this situation in the first place?

20 minutes later

Sorry, guys, for not saying very much right now. It's just that this movie hasn't given me a whole lot to work with for the last while. Mind you now, the movie's been OK so far, I just don't have a lot to say about it right now.

9 minutes later

So, the reason why Frank Leone was put in prison originally was because some punks beat up his old man, and no one did anything about it. So, Leone took matters into his own hands, beat up the punks himself, and thus got into prison for 18 months due to aggravated assault. Well, at *least* they explained that much. It's kinda strange to know that the police didn't do *anything* about it to begin with, but I'll just chalk that up to corruption and leave it at that.

2 minutes later

You guys can't hear this for obvious reasons, but this song here that's playing right now is pretty good, actually. I'm gonna have to look it up later on what this song is, but I'm really kinda digging it.

10 minutes later

You know, guys, for a scene that has a car being smashed up to pieces, this sappy piano music that's playing right now is rather inappropriate. I would've assumed they would've gone for something a little more dramatic, but the fact that this sappy piano music is playing over the carnage seems really inappropriate to me. Just saying.

13 minutes later

OK, that's something new. I've never seen betting on cockroach racing before. And that's also something I never thought I'd get to say when I started doing this series, too. Go figure.

15 minutes later

You know, I'm a little surprised as to why Frank is even asking one of the guards, who's obviously evil, to let him use the phone to talk to his girlfriend, because she's in danger of getting killed. If he really thought that the guard was going to let him use the phone, then it kinda makes Frank a little bit on the dumb side, you know what I mean?

8 minutes later

You know, guys, for all the shit that Frank has had to go through throughout this entire movie, it's *really* satisfying to see him finally getting his revenge on one of these asshole guards by beating the shit out of him. It makes me curious to see if the warden will get his shit caved in too. I'm actually really curious to see if it will happen.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Lock Up". Let me go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK. So...where to begin with this one? Well, I am gonna say, first and foremost, that the movie is OK. It's certainly not one of Stallone's best films, but I can't say it's the weakest either. At least, in terms of his filmography that I've seen. So far, I would say the weakest film of his would probably be "Judge Dredd". Mind you, I really do enjoy that movie, however, in terms of his more serious films, this one is a step above that film. At least, for me it is.

So, why don't we go ahead and start this review off proper by first discussing the writing here. Writing here, for the most part, is a pretty standard film where Stallone's character, Frank Leone, is trying to survive being in prison for the next six months after a sudden transfer where he's being watched by an obviously evil warden played by Donald Sutherland. And throughout the movie, the warden is trying every other way to break Leone's mental capacity. Essentially, he wants Leone to mess up and cause enough trouble to where he gets an extended sentence. But with Leone, he has more of a calm and collected manner to where he's just trying to serve the rest of his time out. And it's also where he's making friends with some of the prisoners there. Now, of course, he also has to contend with some of the inmates who are in the warden's pockets, while also dealing with these asshole corrupt guards, who also work for the warden. So, Frank obviously has a lot to deal with in this movie.

Before I get into the problems that this movie does have, one thing I will say about it is that it feels very humane. And what I mean by that is that it feels very down to Earth with it's characters. Most of everyone that Frank befriends with in this movie feels like they're people that you can have a drink with and just talk about stuff for hours upon end. And that's the biggest strength that this movie has when it comes to it's supporting cast, is that they feel real to you. They may not have the greatest character depth in the world, but they still feel like friends that you can rely on. The best example of this is during the montage where we see them fixing a Mustang. Admittedly, it is a little bit on the cheesy side, but it still mostly works, as the friendship between Frank and the other inmates is very good here.

That said, there is something that I do want to talk about, which is gonna lead into one of the biggest problems that this movie has. And that problem is it's uneven tone. See, going into this movie, I kinda figured that, with a premise like this where it takes place in a prison, this was going to be a drama. And it mostly is. However, the movie does try to balance it out by injecting some humor. Now, I don't really have a problem with that in of itself. What bothers me a little about it is that it sorta comes in at the wrong time. One big example I can think of is right after that montage I mentioned a little while back. Shortly after they fix the car, one of the characters asks Frank if they could turn on the engine because they've never driven in their life and they want to hear it just once. Frank gives in, but only if it's for 10 seconds.

So the other guy who's in the car ends up driving the Mustang out of the garage and ends up driving the car around the area where all of the inmates are hanging out. This goes on for a while until he finally stops driving the car while Frank pulls him out. And from there, the warden decides to make Frank go in the box for 6 weeks, even though he didn't physically do it. But anyway, my point in all this is that before Frank is taken away, he gets to witness the car being battered and destroyed by the prison inmates. Now, aside from the inappropriate music that plays during this scene, it also feels like a tonal whiplash. Because, we had just gotten finished with a light-hearted montage of him fixing a car with friends, to one of them driving it recklessly out of the garage, to then it finally getting destroyed. Which, by itself, is already swinging from light to already dark within a few minutes.

But then comes the next sequence, where Frank is spending the next six weeks in solitary, which is probably the darkest scene of the entire movie. Because each time Frank is suppose to repeat his name and number tag, he slowly starts to get weaker, physically and mentally. And while I do think the scene went on a little bit too long here, it does get the point across where it shows that the warden will do *anything* to get Frank to his breaking point. Now while that's all well and good, it also, again, feels something like a tonal whiplash, because it had only been about, maybe, 10 minutes ago where we got to see Frank hanging out with his friends to him getting put into solitary for the next 6 weeks and him going through torture as well. Now perhaps, maybe, if this had been spaced out a little bit, I probably would've not minded it much, but it just seems like we rushed into it all pretty quickly, tonally speaking.

And speaking of which, that kinda brings me into the other problem with this movie, which would have to be it's villain, Warden Drumgoole. Yeah, I honestly didn't mention his name until now because he's honestly that forgetful of a villain. And the reason why he exists in this movie is because, prior to being the warden of this prison, he was also the warden of a different prison where Frank was also at. And it's there where we find out that Drumgoole wouldn't let Frank talk to his mentor, who was dying at the time. Which caused Frank to break out of that prison and tell the press about the mistreatment of the warden's prisoners back then, which is the only reason why Drumgoole is out for revenge. And while that's fine and everything, the character himself is not really all that interesting. He's hardly in the movie at all, and his personality is also very boring, too. And it's not just him either, the guards who work for him are obviously evil assholes, along with the inmates who are in his pockets, whom are also in the same boat. Basically, all of the villains in this movie are incredibly weak, personality wise. Which is a stark contrast, when you compare it to Frank's friends in this movie, when they're the most likable characters next to Frank.

So yeah, the characters in this movie are somewhat of a mixed bag here. That being said, despite all that, the acting here is what makes up for all of that. The acting in this movie is mostly fantastic. The only bit that kinda bothered me slightly is during the beginning where we first get to see Warden Drumgoole, I couldn't tell if Donald Sutherland was trying to give this guy an accent, because it almost sounded like he was trying to sound Russian. I don't know if that the was the case or if Sutherland was trying to improvise with his character some, but either way, it just sounded a little off to me. Now thankfully, he does drop the accent later on as he sounds a little more like himself. And as for Stallone, well, he definitely does sound rather natural here. But then again, I also feel like the supporting cast is what helps enhance his performance here. He looks and sounds very comfortable on camera, and I would say it's one of his better performances I've seen in a while. So yeah, the acting here is really solid for the most part.

Camerawork here is really good. The lighting here is lit well. The sound-mixing is fine. The music here is great. Again, not counting the sappy piano music that plays over what's suppose to be a dramatic scene. And I mentioned earlier about that song that plays during the montage of Frank and his friends fixing the Mustang. Well, I *did* look it up as promised, and the song is called "The Ides Of March". And it's a really good song, too. In fact, the score here is also really good as well. But then again, this is from the same guy who did the scores for both the "Rocky" and "Karate Kid" films. So I kinda sorta expected this. But regardless, the music here is really good for both score and soundtrack.

And with that all said, guys, am I able to recommend "Lock Up"? Yes, I certainly can. It's not a great film, mind you, as I've seen far better from Stallone, both before and after this, but it's still a pretty good movie overall. If you're a fan of Stallone's films, then it's possible that you've already seen this one and probably already own it on VHS, DVD, or Blu-ray. If not, then go ahead and find a copy of it somewhere. Or find it on streaming, if you can't find a physical copy of it. Whatever the case, go ahead and check it out. It is certainly worth your time. And for myself, well, I'm obviously gonna hold on to it to rewatch it again at some point. And speaking of which, I'm probably just gonna go watch one of the "Rambo" movies I already own, because I'm kinda in the mood now to watch something more with Stallone in it. So, that's what I'm gonna go do next once I get done with this review.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Heavy Metal 2000

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering a Canadian adult animated film from 2000. That movie is "Heavy Metal 2000".

Now, for those of you who don't know, this movie is a sequel to a cult animated movie from the early 80's called "Heavy Metal". And I did watch it a long time ago back before I started doing this series. And...I thought it was OK. It was weird as hell, and I didn't really understand any of it, but I still sorta liked it. Mind you, again, it was a long time ago when I saw that movie, so my memory of it is a little hazy at best. What originally drew me to it was when I first saw that one "South Park" episode where Kenny was trying to get high off of cat piss and somehow ended in up in a different world with a different animation style, which was mostly inspired from "Heavy Metal". It was a weird episode, even for "South Park", but the episode was still pretty good overall.

Now since I did end up watching the first "Heavy Metal" movie, I sadly can't cover it for this series. As per rule for this series, I can't review movies I've seen before on my own time, unless there's some sort of exception to it all. But that's where things get interesting, because tonight's movie, like I said before, is a sequel to "Heavy Metal". And unlike the first one, where it's heralded as a cult classic, this one I haven't heard many positive things about. I'm not sure why, exactly, other than it's not as good as the first movie. Which doesn't really give me a whole lot of info to go on, but that makes things better for me because I like to go into a lot of these movies blind anyways.

So, I'm gonna see if this movie has any kind of redeeming qualities to it. I'm certainly hoping for it to be good, but I won't know for sure unless I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Heavy Metal 2000".

8 minutes later

You know, guys, when I heard from the beginning that anyone who touches the key will drive anyone insane...yeah, they meant it. Because Tyler has already killed most of his crew, leaving one to do the navigation duties. And considering he's voiced by Michael Ironside, you probably couldn't have asked for perfect casting, because he is nailing his role so far.

18 minutes later

Guys, I'm gonna comment on this later in the review, but so far, the music here...really hasn't been all that great. It's not completely awful or anything, but none of it has been all that memorable either. It's just kinda weak, really. I'm hoping maybe it'll get better within the next hour or so, but I'm not totally sure if it will.

4 minutes later

Well, guys, I just learned something new today. Sex robots, at least the one I'm seeing right now anyway, has bigger boobs and also has a vocabulary of over 200 dirty words. I'm not sure if that's something I needed to know, but at least it's something, I guess.

12 minutes later

I just saw two lizards humping each other. No, guys, I'm not joking about that, that it is a thing that *literally* happened. It's...different, I'll give it that much. But it's something that I definitely didn't need to see either. Just...what the fuck, man?

15 minutes later

OK, I have a question here, and I know it's a stupid one, but I want to ask it anyway. How does Tyler not recognize who F.A.K.K.2 is? I mean, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter to him, considering he's incredibly horny most of the time, but I'm still rather curious as to how he doesn't recognize her, considering she was the one who shot him "dead" way early on in the movie. Just something to consider is all.

4 minutes later

So this crazy doctor apparently has the robot aesthetics of the T-1000. Never would've guessed that, honestly.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Heavy Metal 2000". And we're closing out with an actual halfway decent song. I know you guys can't hear it for obvious reasons, but this song here doesn't sound too bad. Well, as much as I'd like to listen to more of it, I still have to review this thing. So I'm gonna go ahead and shut the movie off here...OK.

Before I get into the review, I need to give you guys a little bit of a history lesson in regards to the first "Heavy Metal" movie. And don't worry, this will be prevalent later on when I actually get to talking about its sequel. Now, as I stated at the beginning of this thing, "Heavy Metal" was a cult hit and was very successful, financially speaking. The thing is, despite it being a big hit, it was never really released on home video for the longest time. Now that's not to say that the movie was never shown again after it was released in theaters, it did mostly air throughout the 80's and early 90's on HBO. So if you were someone who grew up during that time, you probably had a better chance to watch it back then, as it was considered more of a special event. Mainly because it never did get a home release for a really long time.

Now, the main reason as to why it never got a home video release was mainly because of all the licensed music that was featured in that movie. And to give you guys some clarification, "Heavy Metal" was released in theaters in 1981. The official home release of this movie didn't come out until 1996, when Kevin Eastman, one of the co-creators of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", bought the rights to Heavy Metal magazine a few years prior and was actually able to release the movie with all of the music intact. And if you're not familiar with Heavy Metal's soundtrack, it is a *big* cast of music, mainly rock music, from artists like "Journey", "Black Sabbath" and Sammy Hagar, to list a few examples, it was an all-star soundtrack. And if you guys have never heard any of the songs from the first "Heavy Metal" film, go ahead and give them a listen to at some point. It's definitely worth your time, especially if you're a fan of classic rock music like I am.

So what exactly is this leading into, you might be wondering? Well, this is a good time to perfectly segue-way into this by talking about the biggest major flaw with this movie, which is the soundtrack. Because, one of the big things about the first "Heavy Metal" that a lot of people know about it is what I already mentioned, the soundtrack. The soundtrack for the first movie was really awesome. Even for someone like myself who had lukewarm thoughts about the first movie, I could at least say that it did have a great soundtrack to it. Most of the songs there were amazing, and it's one of the things that has aged really well about that movie. Including the animation, but that's besides the point. Point is, the movie had an amazing soundtrack.

This movie, however, doesn't really have anything resembling a memorable soundtrack. If anything, it's probably the most forgettable thing about this movie. I was hoping for it to get better the moment that I first mentioned the music not being all that great, but sadly, that's the not the case here. Mind you now, it does have a *lot* of songs from various artists, but none of them are memorable, aside from the ending credits song that I sorta listened to before shutting the movie off. In fact, looking up the soundtrack for this movie, I only recognized two artists in particular. One of them is Billy Idol, who also voices one of the characters in this movie. The other group is a somewhat infamous rap group known as the "Insane Clown Posse". Now, I haven't listened to a whole lot of their music, but from what little I did listen to from them, "mixed-bag" is probably the best way I can describe their music. That's *really* the best way I can summarize their music in a nutshell. How you interpret their music is up to you, of course. But yeah, even with those two names, they don't really do anything to help enhance this movie. Everyone else I honestly don't really recognize. Which if that's any indication, it just further proves that their music in this film is just so fucking forgettable that it almost hurts.

Now, I could go on and on about the music, but to give you guys the short version, the soundtrack is, by far, the weakest thing about this movie. Which is gonna be seen as a huge detriment, especially to fans of the first movie, who really adored the first movie's soundtrack. Now, another big change from the first movie to this one is how the writing is approached here. Now, before I go into more detail about this movie's writing, one of the other things that most people remember about the first "Heavy Metal" movie was that it was an anthology film. And if you're somehow not familiar with the term, an anthology film is basically where you take a bunch of shorter films that normally wouldn't reach the runtime of a feature length film, and you stitch them together to form an anthology movie of sorts. And that's what "Heavy Metal" was. It was a rock anthology that pretty much sold itself on it's own concept.

Which then leads me into this movie, because this movie ditches the anthology aspect and goes for a more traditional, straight-forward story. And to be honest, I'm perfectly OK with this because, again, I thought the first "Heavy Metal" movie was just OK at the time that I watched it. So I'm totally cool with this movie going for something a little more traditional with it's storytelling. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys when I say this, the writing in this movie is halfway decent. I can actually say that the story here, despite a couple of issues, is honestly sorta engaging. It's basically just a revenge story where our main character, Julie AKA F.A.K.K.2, is set out for revenge on our villain, Tyler, who ends up becoming a possessed, insane madman who wants the power of immortality. And Julie is out for revenge, not because of those reasons, but mainly because Tyler and his army destroyed most of her planet's people and kidnapped her sister. And she is joined by another character named Odin, who is the character that is voiced by Billy Idol that I mentioned a while ago.

And I guess this will also segue-way into the characters. Characters in this movie are mostly a mixed bag at best. There are 3 of them that are even worth mentioning. The first one is Julie. Julie is the one character here who has the most depth, as you know why she's out for revenge. I mean, she lost most of her family and friends, and with her sister being kidnapped, that's mostly enough for someone to set out for revenge. So, on that end, it works fine. And while her character is somewhat one-noted in terms of personality, she can also be sexy and badass at the same time, so it kinda balances itself out there. Odin is definitely the weakest character here, because he mostly ranges on being foil to comic relief. He was formerly a part of Tyler's army and got ditched by Tyler after Odin tried to help Julie's sister out of some rubble. But aside from that, he really doesn't have any redeeming qualities to him that makes him memorable.

Which then leads me into talking about the movie's main villain Tyler. Tyler, by himself, is admittedly somewhat of a bland villain as his only conquest is to become immortal after touching a crystal, which is also the key, that leads him into wanting to become immortal. And he's also incredibly horny, too. Which, for some people, might see this as a bit of a turn off, but I honestly think that kinda makes his character a little more charming to watch. But what helps it the most is the acting, which I'm gonna perfectly segue-way into, because if there's one thing that this movie does very well on is the acting. The best one, by far, has to go to Michael Ironside. The man is awesome at just about everything that he's in. No matter the role, he can make it into gold. And while his performance as Darkseid is gonna be the best voice acting role I've heard him from, his performance here in this movie is still really good. As is everyone else, of course. All of them really turned into amazing showings for their performances. So I can't really fault anybody here in terms of their voice work, as they all did an awesome job here.

Now onto the animation. And I'm gonna divide the animation into two bits, because while this movie is mostly hand drawn animation, it also does utilize CG, which I'll get to in a moment. As for the 2D style, the animation here is pretty good. Now, while it isn't as impressive-looking as how "Heavy Metal" looked with it's animation and art-style, what is here still works fine, as it tries it's best to be as weird and provocative as how the first "Heavy Metal" was. So essentially, you'll have a lot of shots where girls are nude, and they have their tits and ass showing. Which, again, I know might turn some people off, especially if you never saw "Heavy Metal" to begin with, as they also did the same thing there. But as with the art-style here, it's not too bad. It's not great, and while it doesn't completely replicate Heavy Metal's original art-style and animation, it's still decent enough on it's own standards, both in art-style and it's animation.

Now let's talk about the CG, and I am gonna say, for the standards of 2000's CG, it looks really solid for the most part. Now, of course, if I were to compare this to today's standards, I would say that it looks dated and really kinda shit. However, you would have to be a complete retard to compare the CG from the year 2000 to today's standards. Which I know may seem somewhat debatable nowadays to some people, but you get my meaning at least. So yeah, the CG for the ships and the layout mostly looks really solid...except for one thing. Now, I can't really go into too much detail on this one due to spoilers, however, I will say that the model for this and the way that it's rendered looks absolutely *horrible*! This is, by far, one of the ugliest-looking things I've ever seen rendered in CG. Which is saying a lot, considering I just talked about this sort of thing a couple of weeks ago in my review for "Recess: School's Out". And to be honest with you guys, the CG in that thing looks a hell of a lot better when compared to the one bit of CG that I witnessed in this movie. It looks like fucking shit! So much so that it would've looked terrible by 1990's standards rather than 2000's. It really is *that* bad. If you want to know what I'm talking about, well, go watch the movie for yourself if you're really that curious about it.

But aside from that one awful moment, the CG here is pretty solid, again, at least for 2000's standards. The sound-mix here is mixed fine, and I've already went into great detail about the film's soundtrack, so I'll just leave it as is.

Ultimately, guys, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Heavy Metal 2000"? It's a tough film for me to recommend. Because there's certainly a lot to like here for certain, but there are things that somewhat stops me from recommending it entirely. For starters, as a sequel to the first "Heavy Metal" film, soundtrack wise, it's definitely not as good as that film's music was. So don't really expect an awesome soundtrack from this movie if you plan on watching it. And also, if you have seen the first "Heavy Metal" movie and you loved it, chances are you're probably not gonna enjoy this movie, as it takes a completely different approach from it formerly being an anthology flick to a standard revenge story. That said, if you're somehow able to go into this movie and you're not comparing it to the first movie, you might possibly find some enjoyment here. I can't entirely assure that, but it is still possible. The writing here, even though it's completely different from the first "Heavy Metal" film, is still decent on it's own standards. And as for myself, well, I still enjoyed it, despite it's flaws. I don't know if it will be enough to watch on multiple viewings, but I might get another viewing out of this and see if it's worth holding onto or not. But until then, I think I'm gonna go watch something else. And seeing as how I've been talking about how this film took a departure from it being an anthology film, I think I'm gonna go watch an anthology film right now. I'm weighing my options between "Robot Carnival" and "Memories", so I'll pick one of those two and go watch them, because they're both really solid movies.

So anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Chinese Speaking Vampires

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out a film from 2021. That movie is "Chinese Speaking Vampires".

I'm gonna tell you guys, I know almost nothing about this movie. In fact, I didn't even know this thing even came out in 2021. I really thought it came out somewhere in the late 2000's or something. But no, it actually just came out a few years ago. So, go figure, I guess.

Now beyond the fact that it came out in 2021, I don't really know much else about the movie. I know it has something to do involving vampires, and I know that they speak Chinese in this movie as well...for some reason. I don't know what the context is beyond that. And yes, I could look at the back of the DVD case I own to read about the plot to this thing, however, as I've done with a lot of movies in the past, I want to try and go into them as blind as possible. And this film is gonna be no different.

So, I'm gonna hope for this thing to be at least decent. Or perhaps it could wind up surprising me and be really good. I don't know. The only way I'm gonna find out if it is any good at all, is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Chinese Speaking Vampires".

1 minute later

OK, guys, two things I need to bring up here, in regards to this opening narration. One, there existed a group of "Kung-Fu Vampires" who have the power of super speed, strength, and immortality. I'll get to that last one in a moment. And it's said that their greatest weapon of all was making their victims speak fluent in Mandarin. I don't know how that's suppose to victimize someone, but I'm really curious about that regardless. And two, in 1937 the Japanese army captured them and tried to make them fight for their side in the war, to no avail. And it's said that the Japanese army slaughtered them all in response...even though we were just a told a second ago, that these vampires were apparently "immortal". So...what exactly was their weakness, then? Did the Japanese army just use their weapons on them constantly until they died? Or did they have some sort of kryptonite to use against these vampires? I'm really curious about this now, guys, and it's really gonna start bugging me now the more that this movie goes on. I'm hoping that it gets answered at some point during the film, but for now, it's just really gonna bug the shit out of me.

8 minutes later

All right, I have kind of stupid a question here that I want to ask. So our main character, Tony, is given one month to speak Mandarin by taking a class that will help him speak the language within a month just so he can re-audition for the movie role that he was trying to go for earlier. Now, as someone who's never spoken another language before, don't you think that speaking another language would roughly take about a couple of years at best? I don't know, perhaps *maybe* it's possible to fluently learn a new language within a month, but I just don't see it, guys. I think it would take a lot longer than a month, if you ask me.

16 minutes later

So, one of the vampires gets skewered with, predictably, a wooden stake and dies. Never expected they would turn into dust, but whatever. At least that kinda answers one of my questions from earlier. Still doesn't really explain why they make their victims speak Mandarin, but still, at least they were kind enough to answer that much so far.

17 minutes later

OK, I have another question that I'm really curious about here. So, this teacher has been biting the necks of some of these female students, so now they can speak only Mandarin and are now vampires. If that's the case, then where the hell are their bite marks? Because the teacher was biting the right side of their necks, and there are no signs of bite marks *anywhere* on the right side of their necks. Either these vampires can hide their bite marks after getting bitten, or the person in charge of the make-up effects were too lazy to make decent-looking bite marks to show that they've been bitten. Well, considering how boring this movie has been so far, I think I'm gonna go for the latter in this case.

20 minutes later

Guys, I'm just gonna come out and say this right now, I'm actually really happy that the movie's almost over. The movie has about 18 minutes left to go, and I cannot wait until it's finished, because I have been struggling to stay the fuck awake. That's how boring this fucking movie is! I seriously cannot wait for it to end.

The Review

Thank you god, it's over. Well, guys that was "Chinese Speaking Vampires", and I'm gonna shut this piece of shit off here...OK. So...where the fuck do I start here? I'm trying to figure out where I even start with this thing, because this movie is just shit from top to bottom in just about *every* aspect.

Well, I guess, when in doubt, start with the writing. And to begin with, this movie has a bit of an identity crisis. See, this movie claims to be a horror comedy, along with it being an action movie. But the problem with that is that this movie is neither scary nor funny in the slightest. Every attempt this movie tries to go for as a joke falls flat on it's face, so none of it will make you laugh. It even tries to go for some racial humor. And I would be totally cool with that, if this movie were written in a way that's actually funny. But it's not. It's just casually racist, at best. The movie, like I also mentioned, is not scary in the slightest. But then again, you're reading this from someone who's kinda numb to these types of movies, so make of that what you will. And the action here does exist, but it's done incredibly poorly. However, I'll get into all that later when I talk about the fight choreography. But yeah, this movie is catered to *nobody*. It fails as a horror movie, it fails as a comedy, and as someone who prefers horror comedies over straight up horror movies, that's really disappointing to say.

Now, as for the actual writing...well, what fucking writing? There is no story here that is compelling, or that it will make you care about what's going on. What little story we did have at the beginning revolves around our main character, Tony, who's trying to audition for a movie role which requires him to speak in fluent Mandarin. Except, he's not really good at it, so he's later given a month to go to a Mandarin speaking school where he can learn the language within a month so that he'll be prepared enough to audition for the role again, and hopefully land it. Unfortunately, that subplot gets dropped, until the very end of the movie, where he's seen taking the classes, while also kinda getting accidentally involved in the whole vampire plot that happens later on. See, the girl that he likes, Susie, finds out that one of her friends ends up getting a "private lesson" from the teacher, Mr. Ma, who ends up turning her into a vampire, so that she can speak full-fluent Mandarin. And, in case you really give a shit about Susie, she also ends up becoming a vampire thanks to her best friend.

In fact, why don't we just get the characters out of the way here, shall we? There are no characters here that are worth caring about. Tony has probably one of the most thinnest personalities I've seen in a movie in a *long* time. There is not a shred of depth or personality that makes him interesting whatsoever. The most you get out of him is that, again, he's an actor trying to audition for a Mandarin speaking role, but aside from that, there's nothing about Tony that's gonna make you care about him, or his efforts in trying to get hitched with Susie. And on the latter part, there's a montage in the middle of the movie where it shows him texting with Susie while taking his classes, and it all plays off as some cringy romantic comedy that, much like I said earlier, isn't funny in the slightest. Then again, I despise a lot of romantic comedies in general, so it's just more of a reason for me to hate this movie as much as I do already. There's also these redneck priests that have these shirts that reads "America First! Chinese Vampire Slayers!". I don't know if that was suppose to be a dig at one of President Trump's slogans or not, but either way, it also wasn't funny either.

So yeah, guys, the characters in this movie are all shallow and pigshit. And the story here really is kinda stupid and plotless at best. There is nothing about the writing here that I can comment on further that could be considered a positive. So, why don't we go ahead and move onto the acting here. The acting here is mostly terrible from the entire cast. Now, I can't really comment on when the actors are suppose to be speaking Mandarin, because I'm not very familiar with that language. So, I have no idea if the actors in this movie who were speaking Mandarin were fluent at all, or if they were just making it up as they were going along. I don't know, so I'm just going to assume it's a little bit of both. Either way, the acting here is still terrible. Most of it is very flat and phoned in. Almost nobody here actually tried to act like they gave a shit about their performances. The only actor I'm giving a slight pass to is the actor playing our villain Mr. Ma, since his accent gives me the impression that he doesn't speak English very well. So, I'm not gonna hold that against him. Everyone else, no. All of the acting from them is shit from across the board.

Now let's talk about the special effects. And, oh boy, the special effects here are complete shit. Now, I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that this movie was filmed on an ultra low budget. And you can *totally* tell that the people who made this movie went for the ultra cheap here when it came to it's effects. The most noticeable one is the lack of make-up effects on any of the actors turned into vampires. Because when you see a vampire biting on someone's neck, there is no bite mark on their neck. The closest you'll get to that is the girl you see with Mr. Ma in his office, but even then, it's just a slight mark that you'll barely notice and doesn't really look all that good on her anyway. Which tells me the people in charge of the make-up effects didn't bother to even try to add anything resembling bite marks on their necks. It's cheap as shit, much like every other special effect in this movie. Stuff like when vampires turn into dust or the blood effects all looking cheap, and looking like shit. So yeah, special effects in this movie are complete shit.

And speaking of which, let's talk about the fight choreography. First of all, if you look up the DVD cover for this movie, you might happen to notice some of the vampires in this movie holding weapons that they never use. For instance, there's a girl vampire in the middle holding both a wooden stake and a gun. Wooden stakes are used in the movie, but only to kill the Chinese speaking vampires, obviously. There's also a katana that Tony is wielding, along with another vampire girl holding a shotgun. And again, none of these weapons are ever present or used in the movie. Instead, most of the fighting is taking place in the third act, and the fight choreography here is definitely a joke. None of it has any natural flow to it, and it's all clunky and half-assed. I would almost say it's on par with the awful fight choreography I saw in movies like "Panther Squad" and "The Russian Ninja". Which is saying a lot, because I can't think of any other movies I've seen that have had awful, terrible fight choreography than those two movies.

What makes the fights even more annoying is the editing and camerawork. I normally don't mix these two in very much, but for this movie, I have to make exception here. You see, most of the fight scenes are done in the third act, and most of it is just one gigantic brawl between the vampires, both the villains and heroes. And the camerawork during all this is jerky, it's shaky, and for whatever fucking reasoning, at times, they will even do these odd zoom-ins whenever someone gets hit or inflicted with damage. It's stupid, annoying, and it ruins the flow of all the fight sequences here. If you want fight scenes that are done right, or at least better than this crap, go watch movies like "Bloodsport", where the fight sequences there are done one at a time in a tournament fashion. It gives everyone who was in that tournament a chance to show off their skills, and the camerawork there doesn't ruin the flow of the fights either. This shit, on the other hand, doesn't know how to showcase fight sequences properly here. Like I said, it's all poorly done, and none of it feels natural in the slightest.

Now what about the editing? Well, similar to what I just talked about, not only are the fight sequences poorly done, but they're also poorly edited, too. Because most of the fights in this movie are done with jump cuts, and there are so many of them here that it almost made my head hurt. In fact, thinking about it, there was one other movie that I reviewed a *long* time ago that did almost the exact same shit, and that was a movie called "Valentine: The Dark Avenger". A movie that I honestly had forgotten about until just now when I was talking about the fight scenes and how poorly done they were. This movie is no different with it's jump cuts. The worst bit of editing comes from the final fight between Tony and Mr. Ma. Because the fight between them is either shot during the day...or at night. Yeah, so what happens here is the two will fight, but in some cuts, it will show the sun coming up, and in another cut, it will show them fighting during night...and then during sunrise...and then nighttime again. It's all very inconsistent, which makes this fight quite possibly the worst fight scene in the entire movie! That's how bad it really was.

So yeah, camerawork and editing here are complete shit as well. The lighting here is...OK...I guess. The sound-mixing here is passable. And music here is shit, too. There's some rock music, along with night club music, which takes place in the first half hour of the movie. It sucks completely. But then again, club music in general sucks, so I guess that's to be expected. But yeah, the score here is shit, as is the soundtrack, too.

So...when all is said and done, guys, am I able to recommend "Chinese Speaking Vampires"? What the hell do you think? No, I am not gonna recommend this movie to *anybody*. It sucks as a horror comedy, the action sequences are dogshit, combined with the horrible editing and piss-poor camerawork, it all just leads into a fucking disaster of a movie. If you see this thing anywhere on DVD or online, do not waste your time in buying this or giving it a single viewing. It's 80 minutes of movie that you'll never get back, and it's definitely one of the worst horror comedies I've ever had the displeasure of watching. It sucks from top to bottom, and it kinda makes me yearn for a better horror comedy, because I haven't really run into one of those in a while. So, until I find another decent one, I'm just gonna go find one of the ones I already have on DVD. Perhaps I'll watch something like "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" and if I'm for up it later, I'll watch "Dead & Breakfast" afterwards. So yeah, I'm gonna go do that next, so I can feel a little happier for myself.

And with that, guys, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.

Reaction & Review | Recess: School's Out

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be covering an animated film from 2001. That movie is "Recess: School's Out".

Now, I know I stated way back in my review of "Treasure Planet" that I would not be covering any more of Disney's animated movies. And I still by that statement, because when it comes to their main line-up of animated films, there is not a single one that I haven't seen yet that I have any interest in. And the less said about any of their live-action remakes of said animated movies, the better.

Now with that said, that doesn't mean I'm excluding any films outside of that, and that includes this film. And the reason why I wanted to cover this movie was because I did watch "Recess" back in the day when it was still airing on TV. And I do remember enjoying it very much. However...this is one of those occasions where, while I did watch it, I don't remember much of *anything* about the show, outside of it mostly centering around our band of students, AKA our main characters, at their elementary school. And unfortunately, on top of all that, I don't really remember most of the names, outside of T.J, the kid in the red cap, and Gus, who I *think* was the fat kid...or might've been the kid with glasses. I don't remember, honestly. Seriously, it really has been *that* long since I last watched it.

Which then brings me to this movie, which I do remember the ads for this thing airing on TV back in the day. However, unlike the show, I never wound up watching the movie. And if I did, it might've been, like, once, and I never saw it again. So yeah, my memory of this show is incredibly hazy at best. But still, I am really curious to see if the movie did the show any sort of justice. I don't know if it will or not, but the only way I'm gonna find out for sure is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Recess: School's Out".

3 minutes later

Oh my god...OK, guys, I know this is still early in the movie, but we just got through with the opening prologue, and what I am seeing right now is a panning shot of, what I'm going to assume is Third Street, and the CG that's rendered here looks *horrible*! Like, this is some of the worst-looking CG I've seen in a long time, especially for something that came out in 2001. I'm hoping that we get to see less shots of it as the movie goes on. But I just wanted to let you guys know now that the CG I've seen so far looks like complete shit.

16 minutes later

So...Principal Prickly just got zapped into nothingness, I guess, and the only thing that remains of him are his shoes. Well, that was certainly interesting. Kinda morbid, but still, I wasn't exactly expecting that.

14 minutes later

OK, I have a legitimate question here, and I know it's probably not gonna be answered, but I want to ask it anyway. How long has Randall, the guy's who's always reporting misdeeds to Miss Finster, been hiding in Detweiler's trash can? Was it during the moment T.J. brought his friends back home from camp? Or has he always been hiding there simply because he likes being the ass kisser of Miss Finster? I really want to know this, and again, I have this strange feeling that this movie's not gonna answer that whatsoever.

14 minutes later

So, Benedict's principal office from back in the day essentially just had a bunch of hippie decor, along with the office looking wildly colorful for it's time. I gotta say, that's actually sorta cool. Granted, it looks a little bit gaudy for my tastes, but at least it does look a little bit cool.

8 minutes later

So...let me see if I understand this retarded plan of Benedict's. The way he's gonna get rid of summer vacation is to control the moon's orbit in a specific way so that summer will be a thing of the past, as will summer vacation. And just based on what he said a moment ago towards the end, he's essentially trying to mimic what Mr. Freeze tried to do in "Batman & Robin" in his own stupid way by freezing the Earth to death. I'm...almost speechless, guys, I really am. That is just retarded on levels that I didn't think were even possible to begin with.

The Review

Well, guys, that was "Recess: School's Out". And we're closing out with...a rather odd psychedelic song that's also sung by the "Recess" cast...interesting. Well, I think now is a good time to shut the movie off here...OK. So...where do I even begin with this movie?

Well, I suppose I can start by saying this. As someone who hasn't seen the show in over 2 decades, I gotta say that this movie is, and I don't use this term very often, a time capsule movie. This is a kind of movie that shows it's age. And I don't really mean that as a knock at the movie, I mean that as a compliment. It's one of those movies where you could watch it and be brought back to a point where the internet and phones weren't really a thing very much. They existed, sure, but they weren't as relevant as they are today. This is one of those movies that very much fits into the time capsule genre. Now, of course, I know that there are plenty of movies from way back when that could be considered examples as time capsule films as well, though more on a nostalgic level. But for me, this is one of those movies that, at least to me, fits well into that genre. Especially for someone like myself, who did end up watching the show as a child, even if I didn't have much of a memory for it back then. So, on that end, this movie was able to accomplish that sort of feat.

Now with that said, that doesn't mean that the movie is either great, or anything spectacular. This film is most certainly flawed, but I'll get into all that in a moment. For now, though, I'm just gonna start the review off proper by getting into the writing. And the first thing that I need to mention is something that I've kinda mentioned already a couple of times, which is me having very little memories about watching "Recess". So, going into this movie, I didn't really know most of the character's names, nor was I really familiar with most of the storylines that was going on in the show at the time. The latter, in which, still holds mostly true, because aside from maybe, like, a couple of episodes here and there, I didn't really remember most of any of the episodes in general. Though to be fair, I don't really think the show had anything like that at the time. It was just there to be a silly, goofy cartoon set around kids getting into mischief and having fun together. At least, that's what I remembered from it.

Which then brings me into the next thing that I'm going to say about this movie. The writing here feels like it was intended as a finale to the show. Because you have the characters, aside from T.J., mentioning that they're going to summer camp so that they can fulfill their own dreams of what they want to become when they're adults. Although admittedly, this part I have to question a little bit, because, I could maybe understand that if this series were set during middle school and they would be going into high school, then I could see them maybe having this conversation with each other. But I find it a little bit hard to believe that these kids, who haven't even reached middle school yet, are having these conversations about wanting to become what they want to be when they grow up with each other. T.J. is the only exception to this because he wants to go do stuff with his friends during the summer that kids would normally do. Like fishing, or go play baseball. Stuff that kids his age *should* be doing. Thinking about what you want to do with your future *is* something to consider, but not when you're still a kid. At least, that's how I saw it, coming from personal experience of never having these kinds of conversations during my days at school.

But setting aside that little questionable detail, most of the characters here are obviously carried over from the show. And this is where one of the biggest flaws with the writing comes in. Not just because the characters feel a little bit flat here, but it also ties into something that I'll mention later when I get to recommendations. But basically, guys, the depth that these characters had in the show doesn't really carry over here. So if you're hoping to know about these characters, you're not gonna find that here. This movie doesn't really do very much with them, character wise, outside of them mentioning that they're going to summer camp to become what they want to be when they grow up. For example, Vincent, the black kid, wants to become a baseball player, Penelope wants to be a pro wrestler, and Gus wants to become a drill army sergeant. None of this is ever really important, until the very last act of the movie where they go up against the villain of the movie Benedict.

And speaking of which, this is where I'm gonna transition it over into the acting. The acting here is really good, especially since that everyone that was a part of the "Recess" TV show reprises their roles here, it would make sense as to why the acting here remains really solid. And to add onto that, we also have our villain, Benedict, being voiced by James Woods. He makes this character worth watching, considering the man has a lot of range within his voice. He could be smarmy and cool at one moment, and then being hammy and over-the-top the next. He really is that good at what he does. But then again, James Woods is the kind of man who could take any kind of script and turn it into gold. So, it's not that surprising to me, but it is still cool to see here. 

Now let's move onto the animation. The art-style here is very reminiscent, if not the exact same kind of animation that was from the animated series. The only difference here is that this one feels like it has a slightly bigger budget to work with. And on that note, I need to talk about the usage of CG here. Now thankfully, there's not very much CG here at all. It's only present at the beginning and at the end of the movie. And if the way I've been talking about it is any indication, the CG in this movie is dogshit. It is quite possibly some of the ugliest usage I have ever seen. It's mainly just used for panning shots of the entire town of Third Street, which is the town where "Recess" takes place, and it just doesn't look good at *all*. The houses, buildings, and the school all looks terribly rendered here. And what's really strange about all this is that the "Recess" animated series was mainly hand-drawn. So the idea that they tried to implement CG into something that really didn't need it to begin with feels incredibly out of place here. And yes, I totally understand that they wanted to be all *cinematic* and stuff. Which I would'be been fine with, if the CG was halfway decent, but like I said, it wasn't. Now again, the CG doesn't appear very much here, so it's not gonna be a huge problem in the long run. Just at the beginning and near the end.

But aside from the ugly-looking CG, the animation here is perfectly fine. The art-style is pretty much the same kind of animation that was from the show, and the color palettes are used very well too. So, overall, the animation is very good here. Sound-mix is mixed fine. And the soundtrack is also pretty good, too. There is a decent variety of songs from popular 60's artists and songs from Steppenwolf, Jimi Hendrix, and Martha and the Vandellas, as a few examples. All the songs here are mostly classic songs and they're pretty good. Personally speaking, they're not exactly favorite songs of mine, but they're by no means terrible either. So yeah, again, the soundtrack here for this movie is pretty good.

Ultimately, guys, when all is said and done, am I able to recommend "Recess: School's Out"? Only if you were a fan of the show. If you never watched it, or have never even heard about it until now, then you can probably just skip this one. This movie is mainly for fans of "Recess". And as for someone like myself, who didn't have much of a memory of it myself despite watching it, this actually did unlock some memories of my time watching the show. And despite some of the flaws that this movie does have, I still quite enjoyed this thing. Like I said earlier, it is a really decent time capsule kind of movie, and I do plan on watching it again at some point. In fact, as soon as I'm done with this review, I'm probably gonna try to look up some episodes of "Recess" on YouTube and see if they're available to watch somewhere. I'm curious to see if any of the episodes have held up all these years later for me. And who knows? I may end up enjoying the show a lot more than how I did when I originally watched it.

Anyway, guys, with that, we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.