Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to an all new Reaction & Review. Tonight, guys, I'm gonna be checking out an action flick from 1999. That movie is "Simon Sez".
No, guys, you are not mis-seeing things, this is an action film starring Dennis Rodman. I'll get more into him in a second. But first things first, that title sounds *incredibly* stupid. I don't know if it's meant to mean something, or if it's just some idiotic attempt to pluralize the letter Z to make it sound "edgy" and "cool". And if it's the latter, then it fails miserably at it.
Now, skipping past the stupid title, let's get back into talking about our film's star here. I don't really know anything about the movie, plot wise, other than the fact that it stars Mr. Rodman here. And the only other film I can recall ever seeing him in was when he teamed up with Jean-Claude Van Damme in "Double Team". And for the record, "Double Team" really kinda sucked. So you'll forgive me if I'm going into this one with very low standards, considering Rodman is flying solo here.
I have no idea if this thing is going to be any good at all. I have strong doubts that it's probably not going to be, but maybe, just maybe, Dennis Rodman could actually surprise me here somehow. Again, my doubts on that are incredibly low here, but there *is* that slight chance that it could be sorta interesting. Really though, the only way I'm gonna find out if this movie is interesting at all, is if I shut up and I push play, and I'm gonna do that right now. So, without further ado, it's time to kick back, relax, and check out "Simon Sez".
10 minutes later
Guys, I'm just gonna state this right now. Even though these two dipshit buddies of Simon have barely been on screen for about a few minutes now, I'm already beginning to get annoyed by them real quick. I'm hoping maybe that we'll get to see less of them as the movie goes on. But right now, these two idiots have already left a negative impression on me.
7 minutes later
So, guys, I may just have to rescind my statement from earlier, because I have just found the most annoying character in this entire movie. Nick Miranda. This guy is becoming aggravating with each passing minute that he's been on screen, and it's becoming very tiresome, very quick. And the more that this guy gets screen time, the more that I just want him to fucking die! I have a sneaking suspicion that he won't die, but god damn it, I gotta have a little bit of faith here in the hopes that it does happen.
19 minutes later
OK, I have a legitimate question here. So, Simon's car has the ability to lean right, meaning that it'll just drive on the right two wheels of it's side. Now I normally wouldn't care about this, seeing as it's just an action film, but is it normal for a car to lean like that while driving? I could maybe understand if it did that for like, a few seconds or so before falling back on all fours, but it's *still* going at only two wheels! You would think that the damn thing would've just tipped over by now, but no, it's still somehow able to keep going like that. Well, *was*, but now it's finally back on all fours. Still though, you can only suspend your disbelief for so long before you start question it's intelligence.
10 minutes later
So, guys, we're now being treated to...I guess, it's suppose to be a mixture of a sex scene and a soft-core porno flick between Simon and this chick. I can't really tell what it's suppose to be, because the lights are flickering and the music is shit on top of it. Granted, the woman that Simon is supposedly banging is sexy as hell. But sadly, I don't really give a fuck about this scene, so...go figure, I guess.
18 minutes later
You know, guys, it's kinda funny that the only character in this movie that I sorta like is our villain, Ashton. Why? Because he acts a little bit cartoonishly, but not to the point where he becomes ridiculously annoying. Unlike our supporting characters, who are all ridiculously annoying. That is kinda sad to admit when the only character that is even likable at all is the one villain who you're not suppose to be rooting for. That's just classy, guys.
The Review
Well, guys, that was "Simon Sez". Thank god it's over. Let me this garbage movie off here...OK. Christ almighty, that was terrible...well, where the hell do I even start here? I knew, going into this movie, that it was gonna suck. Except I didn't think it was going to suck this badly. Sure, I had low expectations from the start, but this movie didn't even meet those standards! That's how bad it really is.
Let's just go ahead and get right into this thing. Let's start off with the writing. And I'm not gonna spend too much time on the writing here, because well, it's an action film, and most people don't really care about that kind of thing when it comes to this genre of film. Which is funny, because the story here is incredibly bare bones. Essentially, our main character, Simon, is an Interpol agent who gets tasked with rescuing a girl from an arms dealer named Ashton, who, in exchange, wants a disc that contains secrets to a weapon that'll be used to destroy shit. And joining him on this little adventure is his painfully annoying partner, Nick, who I'll talk more about in a moment. His two, almost equally, annoying friends who assist mostly as his tech support, his hot ex-girlfriend who's accent I can't determine if it's either French or Russian, and the kidnapped girl's boyfriend, whose name I don't fucking remember because he is just that forgettable. So yeah, story wise, this movie is doing nothing new or different, and it's something we've seen done many times beforehand in plenty of other action movies.
I may as well just stop side-stepping the issue here and start talking about the characters. Now, there are 3 types of personalities you're gonna find in this movie. You are either gonna be painfully annoying, such as Simon's two friends or Nick. You are gonna be personality free and boring as shit, such as the case with Simon himself. Or you're just gonna be fucking forgettable, such as the case with the boyfriend of the kidnapped girl or Simon's ex-girlfriend. All of these characters don't have any depth or range of likability to them whatsoever. The worst of this has to go Nick Miranda. The best way I can summarize this character is if you had that one friend who *really* wants to hang out with you, wants to have a good time, and is suppose to be the life of the party. But in actuality, that friend is just being ridiculously annoying and that you just want to spend some time by yourself. That is honestly the nicest way I can describe Dane Cook's character in this movie. He essentially likes to chew up the scenery when he's on screen, but he does it in a way where it's not charming in the slightest. That is how much his character in this movie sucks.
And again, the only character who actually seemed somewhat likable was our main villain, Ashton. Like I said before, he ranges on being a bit cartoony, but at the very least, he has something resembling charm to his character. Mind you, his character in this movie is not really good either, but he doesn't tread the path on becoming painfully annoying, unlike Nick, who just doesn't know when to shut the fuck up at times. While I'm kinda on the subject here, the movie also tries to be a comedy. And I'm gonna tell you right now that the comedy in this thing fails miserably because none of this shit is funny at all. I didn't laugh when Dane Cook was making those stupid-looking faces the first time he goes against Simon's ex-girlfriend, nor did I get a laugh out of Simon's two idiotic friends. Nothing about the humor here works. Most of it comes from Dane Cook's character, Nick, but like I said, all of it is unfunny, especially coming from him. I don't care if his character is suppose to be inept, it still made me despise him every time he showed up on screen. Which, unsurprisingly, makes him the worst character of this entire movie.
Now since I've been mostly focusing on the characters here, let's actually talk about the acting next. Most of the acting here sucks. The worst actor by far, would have to be our main star Dennis Rodman. Which really shouldn't come as a shock to nobody, considering Rodman's "illustrious filmography" and all, but the reason why he's the worst one here is mainly because his acting borders on being wooden and he honestly sounds really fucking bored, too. Which, I'm not totally sure if that's how he naturally sounds when attempting to act, but regardless, he easily phones in the worst performance. Second place would have to go Dane Cook's character, Nick, for all of the reasons that I explained already. Nobody here really tried very much. But then again, there is only so much you can do when given a script that is this fucking poor to begin with.
Special effects in this movie suck balls. But before I comment on why, I will grant the movie two things. The fight choreography was halfway decent, and the squib work on the guns were OK, too. That's it. Those are the *only* two positives I can grant this movie as a whole. But getting back to the shitty special effects, I was originally not gonna comment on this one very much, because the only things that I happened to notice were a mechanical CG fly and bee that were used to serve as spy cameras made by Simon's two friends. And if it were just those two instances, then I would've said that the CG on them isn't all that amazing, even by the standards 1999. But that's when we get towards the very end of the movie, in which Simon is escaping from a building, and the building explodes. And what comes afterwards is when we get to see the fire effects as Simon is walking away from the burning building. To put it simply, guys, the fire effects during that scene are *horrible*! Like, this is genuinely some of the worst-looking CG fire I have ever seen in any movie in a long time. I don't care if this was made on a low budget, there is no excuse to have CG fire that looks this fucking bad! So much so that, that one scene made me push the special effects into becoming shit as a whole.
Let's talk about editing next. Oh yes, guys, the editing in this movie is horrible. The best example of how bad the editing is in this movie is during a scene in the third act, where one of Simon's friends, who was also the fat Caucasian monk, trembles over a bridge after a fight scene and is holding on for dear life. Simon goes over to rescue him after getting involved in a shootout with Ashton's men, and it's here where we get to see the failures of the editing come into play. So as Simon is running over towards him, you get to see a wider shot of the fat guy holding onto the bridge railing. And as this shot happens, you get to notice the size difference of the actor that's suppose to be holding onto the railing, because it shows the guy looking incredibly skinny. And again, I would like to remind you guys that the actor is fat. So, when you show a skinny-looking guy trying to disguise himself as a fat guy, it kinda makes you question why exactly didn't they hire a stunt double to try and match the size of how the fat one looked? I understand that it would be kinda difficult for someone who is obviously overweight to try and hold onto a bridge railing for so long, but you could've possibly filmed it in a way to where the overweight actor doesn't have anything to fear from falling. So for them to just say "fuck it" and hire an obviously skinny stunt double to, in no way, look like the same overweight actor, just comes off as incredibly lazy on the filmmakers part.
Camerawork here is OK for what it is. The lighting here is mostly fine, save for that one scene I mentioned earlier where Simon and his ex-girlfriend were banging each other. Sound-mix here is mixed fine, and the music here is shit. At times, it tries to go for techno music, and the techno music here sucks. But then again, techno music isn't really that good anyways, so it's whatever really. The rest of the music that isn't techno is incredibly forgetful, too. So really, you're not missing here when it comes to this movie's music.
So overall, guys, when everything is said and done, am I able to recommend "Simon Sez"? No. Fuck no. This movie is garbage on just about every conceivable level. There is nothing about this thing that I could consider worth watching, unless if you're someone who really likes these kind of shitty action movies with little to no plot whatsoever. And if that *is* your thing, then you might something here that you'll really like. But as for myself, well...no. I am never gonna be watching this stupid thing ever again. Because, one, I like to have most of my action movies have something resembling substance. And secondly, I'm hoping and praying that I *never* have to watch another movie starring Dennis Rodman in anything else. This movie proved, to me, that the man cannot act, if just by the viewings of both this and "Double Team" are anything to go by. So yeah, guys, I'm done talking about this movie. Right now, I just want to go watch something different. Perhaps maybe I'll watch the 1993 "Judge Dredd" movie starring Sylvester Stallone. While that is kinda stupid as well, at least there's something resembling substance in that thing. So that's what I'm gonna go do next after I get done typing this review up.
Anyway, guys, with that we come to the close of another Reaction & Review. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, take care, and I will see you all later. Peace.
